Someone Of No Consequence Disses Renoir

Renoir’s Problem Nudes:

Who doesn’t have a problem with Pierre-Auguste Renoir? A tremendously engaging show that centers on the painter’s prodigious output of female nudes, “Renoir: The Body, the Senses,” at the Clark Art Institute, in Williamstown, Massachusetts, sparks a sense of crisis. The reputation of the once exalted, still unshakably canonical, Impressionist has fallen on difficult days. Never mind the affront to latter-day educated tastes of a painting style so sugary that it imperils your mind’s incisors; there’s a more burning issue. The art historian Martha Lucy, writing in the show’s gorgeous catalogue, notes that, “in contemporary discourse,” the name Renoir has “come to stand for ‘sexist male artist.’ ” Renoir took such presumptuous, slavering joy in looking at naked women—who in his paintings were always creamy or biscuit white, often with strawberry accents, and ideally blond—that, Lucy goes on to argue, the tactility of the later nudes, with brushstrokes like roving fingers, unsettles any kind of gaze, including the male. I’ll endorse that, for what it’s worth.

Technically, I guess that counts as two people of no consequence.

The writer then goes on to say the nudes of Picasso and Matisse are a breath of fresh air after looking at the Renoir. So he is also a man of no taste.

(You know what I think of Matisse, which I do infrequently and that’s too much.)

(Link via Instapundit.)

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Brian J.: Jazz Poseur

How much of a poseur at jazz am I? I am using the French spelling of it, aren’t I?

Also, I score 0 of 100 on this GQ article which would serve as a quiz if I had any of the answers: The 100 best jazz albums you need in your collection.

I mean, I have numerous albums and collections by artists who appear on this list, but I don’t have any of the individual records on this list.

Which is explained by:

  • Their collectibility–I don’t find the records at library book sales or thrift stores.
  • I rarely seek out old recordings on CD, and you don’t find the CDs out in the wild, either.
  • The list does not contain a lot of jazz/torch singers, which is the kind of CDs I do seek out.
  • I am a poseur.

I think about getting Miles Davis’s The Birth of the Cool from time to time, but that’s about it.

Perhaps it’s not so much that I’m a poseur; perhaps I’m not a GQ hipster. It has been decades since I subscribed to that magazine, which I did as part of my late 1990s “I need to dress better and be more sophisticated by following magazine diktats” phase. None of the diktats, though, included dropping a lot of foreign words in italics in conversations. Which is just as well. I wouldn’t have followed it if it had, much as I did not follow the clothing, music, book, or movie fashion tips I gleaned from the short-lived subscriptions.

(Link via Ed Driscoll at Instapundit.)

UPDATE: Now that I have replaced my failed record player(s) and have gotten back to walking my fingers through my collection, I discovered that I do have Dave Brubeck’s Time Out (I also have Time Further Out and Jazz Goes to College). So I have 1 out of 100. I am a hipster.

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A Musically Unbalanced Summer

It was March when I last updated you, gentle reader, as to my musical purchases and checked to see how balanced they were between heavy metal and jazz songbirds.

I’ve been a little naughty in buying CDs here recently, so I thought I’d go back through time to see how I’m doing.

In the last six months, I’ve purchased:

  • True Love by Jessy J
  • Second Chances by Jessy J
  • Rewind, Replay, Rebound by Volbeat
  • Cherry Blossom by Keiko Matsui
  • A Drop of Water by Keiko Matsui
  • Another Place by Hiroshima (I already own it on vinyl, but want it available when I am not at a working record player.)
  • Meliora by Ghost
  • Crossfade by Crossfade
  • All I See Is War by Sevendust
  • Storyteller by Morgan James
  • Hunter by Morgan James
  • We’ve Only Just Begun by Ashley Pezzotti
  • Core by Stone Temple Pilots
  • No. 4 by Stone Temple Pilots
  • The Purple Album by Stone Temple Pilots
  • Shangri-La Dee Dah by Stone Temple Pilots
  • Tiny Music…. by Stone Temple Pilots
  • Storyteller by Tine Thing Helseth

In my defense, the Stone Temple Pilots CDs came in a set that cost as much as a single CD.

So we’ve got 8 jazz songbirds, although Hiroshima is a stretch even with Barbara Long on the vocals and Morgan James considers herself to be a soul singer and not a jazz singer. We’ve got 9 metal albums. So it’s not as unbalanced as I thought. Also, one classical trumpeter who might be the second prettiest trumpeter in the world.

But it doesn’t make up for the jazz-heavy winter and spring, but there’s a new Hellyeah! album coming out next month. Which will help. Also, my opportunity to listen to metal has been curtailed. I’ve not been going to the gym that frequently lately. My job has frequent phone meetings which interrupt. And I’m not driving far enough to listen in the car.

So perhaps it is just as well, although it’s just as sad.

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Repeating What I Have Been Thinking

Although tied to recent news: The 1519 Project: How Early Spanish Explorers Took Down A Mass-Murdering Indigenous Cult.

Let’s take a brief recess from the 1619 Project to explore another project. Call it the “1519 Project.” A full century before The New York Times’ proposed re-dating of the American founding and 2,200 miles southwest of Jamestown, European contact sparked a native uprising against a gruesome cult of cannibalism and mass murder.

Graphically described in the 1855 book, “Makers of History: Hernando Cortez,” John S.C. Abbott paints a picture of desperation for a tiny band of Spanish soldiers and their native allies. Next year marks the 500th anniversary of the Battle of the Dismal Night, where an initially successful Cortez was nearly crushed by superior Aztec forces.

Hugh Thomas described the human sacrifice with some approval, calling them “astonishing, often splendid, and sometimes beautiful barbarities”, in his book Conquest: Montezuma, Cortes, and the Fall of Old Mexico. Since then, I have been on Team Cortez.

Ignorance of history is what they teach in history classes these days.

(Link via Ace of Spades HQ.)

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Good Book Hunting, Saturday, August 24, 2019: ABC Books

It’s been a month and a half since ABC Books had a book signing, which is okay since I’ve only just now started one of the books I bought on my last sojourn up there, and I got plenty last weekend without a trip up north.

But this weekend, they had a book signing with Billy Pearson, a fellow who had only started writing at age 80 and has nine books in print.

I picked up four of them and a little extra.

I got:

  • Frontier Woman, the account of Billy Pearson’s aunt after she moved to Colorado with her husband in the 1880s.
  • Chronicles of Hickory County, historical anecdotes from people that Pearson knew.
  • The Chemistry of Love, a novel. I told the proprietrix that it would go well with The Physics of Love. And that I would be looking for the Biology of Love and The Geology of Love when they get them in stock.
  • Missouri Short Story Adventures which might be fiction or anecdotes.
  • Karate!, a 1970s paperback by Russell Kozuki.
  • Complete Karate by J. Allen Queen, a more textbook-sized book of karate.
  • Flight of the Golden Eagle: Tales of the Empty-Handed Masters by Terrence Webster-Doyle which looks to be lessons from martial arts that are not necessarily martial arts strikes.

That should keep me going until next time. And beyond.

I’m interested in the karate books as I have toyed with the idea of starting to study another discipline part-time as I’ve advanced to a level in my satori studies where progress is going to be slow, and I might want another style to keep it fresh.

At any rate, my oldest boy picked up a couple of YA scary story titles, and my youngest didn’t want to stop reading the book he had in the truck to come in and pick new books. So perhaps that’s a lesson I should learn.

Maybe not.

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Speaking of 80s Movies

Since we were just talking about 80s movies, I saw this image on Facebook and thought it would make a good quiz:

I won’t bother to type them all out because I am lazy, but allow me to identify the ones I have not seen and why.

  • Friday the 13th: I think in my slasher movie days, which is to say in the days when my friends wanted to see slasher movies or my friend’s father wanted to watch slasher movies so he rented a couple for us when we slept over at his house, that I might have missed the first in the series although I caught most of the middle of the first ten.
     
  • Steel Magnolias because it’s a chick flick and no chick I’ve been with since the 1980s has insisted upon watching it with me.
     
  • Raging Bull which is more of a 70s film according to zeitgeist, ainna? At any rate, I just haven’t come across it cheaply at a book sale or anything.
     
  • Broadcast News because it looked kinda preachy, and I haven’t sought it out.
     
  • Mystic Pizza. See above comment about Steel Magnolias.
     
  • Flashdance. A dancing movie. To be honest, I’ve not seen Footloose either. I guess I dodge movies that look to be dancing movies that were made after, what, 1960?

That’s six movies I’ve not seen out of 36, which is 30 of 36 or 83%.

Not bad since the ones I mentioned are chick flicks and whatnot.

I’ve seen Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Weird Science, and Die Hard within the last year. I’m hoping to see The Goonies and Top Gun with my children soon. A couple others on the list I’ll consider revisiting. A couple, like The Evil Dead and Heathers I’ll probably never need to see again. Of the ones I have not seen, Flashdance and Raging Bull are most likely and Friday the 13th is the most likely to not.

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Meanwhile, At The IMAO T-Shirt Babe Reunion

As I mentioned in the book report for Who Built That?, we were thinking of going to see Michelle Malkin speak. Last night, we did.

I spent the whole evening telling the various high-powered other attendees of the annual Vitae Foundation event that my beautiful wife once modeled a clothing line with Ms. Malkin.

WHICH IS TRUE because they both appeared in the IMAO Peace Gallery wearing Nuke the Moon shirts.

Were they wearing clothing for promotional purposes? Yes. AKA modeling a clothing line which only had one offering, so it was geometrically more of a clothing dot.

As I’m relying on pictures of my beautiful wife as Rule 5 material here on the blog so much recently, I’ve started to wonder if I’m turning into an Instagram husband. But in my defense, I had to remind myself that the previous picture was from a local business magazine.

Yes, yes, the headline is misleading. Technically speaking, Sarah K. was the IMAO T-Shirt Babe and won the grand prize, marriage to Frank J. So I guess she’s Sarah K.J. now.

And, yes, I could have said I modeled a clothing line with Michelle Malkin as I was in the Peace Gallery, too, but, come on. That does not flatter my beautiful wife, with whom I dispute whether she was any higher than result #3 on the Google Image Search for legs back in the day. She says she was higher, but when my co-worker told me about it, she was #3. Unstated: Why my co-worker was searching Google image searches for legs. I would have mentioned that fact about my wife at the Vitae event, but that might have mortified her.

Thank you, that is all.

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Wasted Ingenuity

I always find stories like this interesting: Fugitive lived in isolated bunker for 3 years to evade arrest in Wisconsin:

His hideout was near the Ice Age Trail, a 1,000-mile footpath that winds through Wisconsin woodlands. It’s a rustic trail, still partially in development, and in remote places like Ringle sees very little foot traffic.

Button began digging out the bunker, lining the walls with cardboard and tarps. He made a roof out of tarps and logs. When it was finished, he started moving in supplies one backpack load at a time. He bought half a pallet of canned food and brought in a TV.

When it was time for Button to finally disappear, he said he left his car, wallet and ID at his mother’s house in Richfield, along with a note that he was moving to Florida. He hopped a train in Stevens Point and covered himself with coal in one of the coal cars to avoid detection. He got off the train in Wausau, and it took him two days to walk to his bunker.

Over the years, he was able to ride a bike to the landfill to collect food, clothes, tools, electronics and other supplies.

Tennessee escapee: Affidavit says fugitive Curtis Ray Watson strangled, sexually assaulted Tennessee corrections employee

Button attached a TV antenna to a tree outside the bunker and used a system of eight solar panels and numerous car batteries to power the TV, other electronics, lights and fans. When he needed more electricity, Button pedaled a bike attached to a homemade generator.

He did better than that kid in Alaska.

I dunno why the stories of fugitives hiding out in the woods fascinates me more than kids wandering into the woods and dying. The relative success (that is, the fugitive lived)?

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What We Did This Weekend

I’m pleased to see that the new sledge hammer and mauls work to split the logs left over from when a spring storm blew a large tree over, knocking down our security light. The utility co-op came along and cut the tree off of the broken light post, replace the lights, and left me with some firewood to split.

So I ordered some splitting wedges from Amazon since I couldn’t find them in the local hardware store. They arrived in a damaged box clearly labeled as “It Wasn’t Our Fault” by the delivery company, but fifteen pounds of pointy iron in cardboard isn’t going to ship well.

I went looking for my sledgehammer, but I believe my boys have taken them into the woods some years ago when they were into “mining” which meant tearing chunks out of the old railbed that serves as my neighbor’s driveway. So I bought a new one, and we were in business yesterday.

Briefly. It took me a while to get back into the swing of things, literally. Hitting off-center often sent the maul looping through the air, and the uneven ground often made the log topple when hit. It took us 30 minutes to split three of the logs which are pretty wet yet, and it was well over 90 degrees. So this is a chore to resume on a nice autumn day.

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Book Report: Miracle in the Ozarks by Chester Funkhauser (2004)

Book coverIn keeping with my recent spurt of Ozarkiana (Unto These Hills, The Willow Bees), I picked up this short novel.

In it, a grandfather still grieving from his wife’s death from cancer takes in his daughter and grandson as the boy suffers from leukemia and the marriage is on the fritz. The daughter takes a nursing job in town, leaving the ailing boy to spend the days with his grandfather in a cabin in the mountains. The boy starts talking about meeting the fairy people down, and his imaginative incidents almost make it sound believeable. But the boy gets lost in a thunderstorm, and the local crazy war veteran helps to find him, and the adventure results in reconciliation and healing all around.

It’s a short book–156 pages–and it’s one of the better of the local novels I’ve read. Although it’s not self-published, it’s apparently from a very small press, and the author is (or was) a grandfather himself who is pictured on the back with his wife and one of his large woodcarvings. So perhaps not a professional writer, but the story is well executed nevertheless.

Apparently, I bought this book four years ago at the Friends of the Christian County Library book sale, so it’s a relatively recent entry in my book stack. Which explains why it was in the front. Perhaps I should dust and turn-out the library again, but that would hide so many of my new acquisitions in the back. But it might turn up those Joshua Clark books I’ve hidden.

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Good Book Hunting, Saturday, August 17, 2019: LibraryCon 2019

Subtitle: Daddy’s been a bad, bad boy.

This is my third year going to LibraryCon, a little one day convention that the Springfield Greene-County Library puts together (see also 2017 and 2018). Last year, I bought more books than the previous year. This year? Boy, howdy.

I got a bunch.

We got there while many of the comic book artists were in a conference room, which limited my comic book and graphic novel intake, but it had a larger supply of authors than in years past.

So I got:

  • A Blade So Black by L.L. McKinney. The author, from Kansas City, tells me it’s like Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s adventures through the looking glass in Wonderland.
     
  • A Trial By Error by Susan Eschbach which looks to be a science fiction romance novel. I say this because some of the other books on the writing group’s table were genre/romance books.
     
  • Several books by Levi Samuel. When I got to his table, I thought he looked familiar, but I didn’t recognize the name or his series. When he waved to milk crates to his right with discounted books, I recognized Dammit Bre. This is the same guy using a pseudonym. Sorry, a nom de plume. So I bought a fantasy trilogy, the Heroes of Order (Izaryle’s Will, Izaryle’s Prison, and Izaryle’s Key) and an urban fantasy book, The Pandora Gambit, to join The Order of the Trident on my to-read shelves. At least these will be at the top.
     
  • The only two books so far in the Earthborn Legacy series by Matthew S. Devore, Earthborn Awakening and Earthborn Alliance where elves ruled the Earth before being wiped out by an enemy that has now come for man, who allies with a couple of elves who escaped destruction. Sounds interesting with some similar elements to a fantasy novel I started, and the author was a great fellow. I’m looking forward to reading these sometime in the next decade.
     
  • Two mystery/romances by Barbara Warren, Murder at the Painted Lady and Hidden Danger, from the same table as A Trial By Error Genre/romances and Christian from what one of the placards said.
     
  • Four books by Elton Gahr: Random Fantasies, a collection of fantasy stories; Random Realities, a collection of science fiction stories; Spaceship Vision: The Impossible Dream, a science fiction novel; and Middlemen: The Brother’s War, part of a fantasy series that is interconnected but not dependent on each.
     
  • Sharing a table with Gahr was a graphic novel guy, Seth Wolfshorndl. I bought a couple of graphic novels from him, including Rook City (with Gahr as the writer), and Duel! as well as a comic (Evil Ain’t Easy).
     
  • Comic work by Isaac Crawford, including the graphic novel Seven Dwarfs and Some Odd Tales as well as comics The Musical Mishaps of Cat & Fiddle (1-6) and The Boy and the Dragon.
     
  • A graphic novel A Passage to Black presented by Cullen Bunn.
     
  • Age of Bronze: A Thousand Ships, book one of Eric Shanower’s Trojan War tales.
     
  • Tales of the ShadowWood, a comic collecting stories about anthropomorphic fox warriors by Margaret Carspecken who also does vivid fine art pictures.
     
  • Three issues of Zombie Dave that have come out since I last saw Mark Decker.

I would tell you how much I spent, but I don’t want my beautiful wife to find out.

This year was a blast because I talked pretty easily with the authors–so many of them I recognized and whose works I’d enjoyed previously. No Shayne Silvers this year, which is just as well–I haven’t read the second Nate Temple book yet (the first is Obsidian Son).

I stopped by Joshua Clark’s table to say hello and to tell him I’m still looking for the books in his S.T.A.R. Chronicles that I bought two years ago and haven’t yet read. I also told William Schlicter that I had one of his Silver Dragon Chronicles books that I hadn’t read yet, so I was going to bypass his table this year.

And, you know, meeting these people who crank out a couple of books a year made me think about when I thought I was going to be a writer. And maybe they’ve inspired me.

They’ve certainly made me want to end this post so I can go read, so I shall.

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Book Report: The Willow Bees by Lucy Willoughby Jones (1994)

Book coverThis book is a bit of local color. It was written in the early 1990s by a woman who grew up on a farm outside of (but which is probably now in) Nixa, a little town south of Springfield. It recounts very short, three to eight paragraph slice-of-life memories about farm work, socializing, family relationships, and whatnot interspersed with numerous poems composed by the author, her family, or those in her social circle.

It was a pleasant read, and it made me consider writing something like this about my life. I mean, I’ve seen some things, and as a child of the last century, I have seen enough change that some of it would be novel to kids of today or tomorrow.

Assuming that any of them would want to read it.

At any rate, I enjoyed the book as you might expect. The author comes from a large family, and sometimes she name checks families who participated in an event or attended a (one room) school in Lone Hill (the actual town she lived in or near). When I read the list of names here (and in Unto These Hills), I wonder why the names of my relations from the Ozarks are not represented. But then I remember that they’re from Taney County further south and, in the early part of the last century, a whole world away.

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Amid The Ruins

As you know, gentle reader, I very rarely put down a book that I own and think that I will never, ever read the book completely.

I mean, aside from the sets and encyclopedias I have about (some of which I have a flicker of hope I will read from end to end like A.J. Jacobs).

But if I start a book and I’m not really into it or if it stagnates on a book accumulation point for too long (which is often years), I’ll throw it back on the to-read shelves for another go when twenty years from now or whenever I’m down to it, my last book.

But I have recently (which means in the last two years) come across a couple of books like The Ruins and the complete stories of Algernon Blackwood that I will not bother to read, and both of them I knew very, very early.

The first, on the right, is Mark Merlis’ Man About Town. I picked that up last year at some point. I got that it was a Washington book, a novel about the goings on in the capital. The book started on in a Congressional hearing or something, and the narrator is an aide of some sort or policy expert. The narrator talked about his lover who had one of those ambiguous names that could be a boy or a girl, and a little while later it was revealed to be a boy. Okay, so the narrator’s gay. You know, I used to volunteer with a gay theatre company, and I have a certificate from one production proclaiming me to be the token straight man. So I’m not a flaming homophobe. But a couple pages later, the narrator is fantasizing about sex with a senator, and I’m gonna trust my squick on this one and put it down. Perhaps the author was hoping to shock the bourgeoisie, perhaps not, but I don’t want to read that. I’m in favor of keeping your private life private, and this book was not trending that direction early. As I mentioned, I started it last year and put it down shortly thereafter, and it’s remained on my paperback shelves where I put books and videos to donate and give away (it’s sitting there with the VHS version of Hitchcock’s Secret Agent which I tried to watch in March and found I also have on DVD). So the media accumulate there slowly, and I dispense of them as donations slower still.

But the small stack has this week been joined by Dark Star, a self-published novel about a murder mystery that erupts when a Hollywood lawyer/agent gives a new young lady a contract. I would read you the back material, which is the best edited part of the book. I started reading it, and it is bar none the worst-edited self-published novel I have ever encountered. It was so bad that I wondered if it was like the first part of The Sound and the Fury, told by an idiot, but the narrator is supposed to be a highly place attorney, for crying out loud. I read three pages of it, and I determined it was too much work amid the misspellings, grammatical errors, and Emily Dickinson capitalization to try to gut through the book in case it had an interesting plot.

So now I’m up to four books I’ve given up on as irredeemable. I feel like I’m getting awfully critical in my old age.

So to the top of my paperback bookshelves you go. To be donated to a church garage sale sometime in 2024 or when I get around to it.

Oh, and coincidentally, both of these books are dollar books from Hooked on Books. One has the red dot that they used to do and the other has the $1.00 sticker over the UPC that is the new paradigm. Come to think of it, The Ruins might also have come from Hooked on Books on the cheap rack. Perhaps I should not spend so much time (but not money!) there.

Also note that, although I gave up on The 1838 Mormon War In Missouri after a couple of paragraphs, that was a library book and completely different in this context.

Thank you, that is all.

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Book Report: Platoon by Dale A. Dye (1986)

Book coverThis book is the novelization of Oliver Stone’s Academy Award-winning screenplay. I’ve never actually seen the film, and I really haven’t watched a lot of Vietnam movies As I mentioned, I have seen the television program Tour of Duty and Forrest Gump, which is not really a Vietnam movie. I’ve also seen The Siege of Firebase Gloria (“That’s it, Nardo. The story’s over.”) and Apocalypse Now. But Platoon seemed to kick off a number of Vietnam films in the 1980s like Full Metal Jacket and Hamburger Hill (and including The Siege of Firebase Gloria). But I just never got into it. Kids in the 1980s didn’t get into playing Vietnam soldier like previous generations played World War II soldier.

So as a novelization of the screenplay, the book takes advantage of it and suffers from the disadvantages of the printed word. Let’s go with the disadvantages first: One, it’s an ensemble piece with a lot of different characters who are identified by name and a single distinguishing feature, and it is easy to confuse them (and the author refers to the protagonist both by his first name and his last name in different places, so you have to remember that these names are both one guy). On screen, that’s easy to see.

Another thing is that what must have been the spectacle of the film is lost a little.

But we do get more interior lives of the characters which the film would not convey; on the other hand, that turns a couple of seconds of screen time into a page or more.

So what’s the plot? The usual. A green recruit, a literate and educated young man, joins a platoon in the field where he gets mundane duties, gets into firefights, learns, sees death, and ultimately takes part in a pitched battle with massive casualties on both sides.

Not poorly executed, but mostly noteworthy as a study of turning a screenplay into a novel.

You know, I have a set of Tour of Duty DVDs–did I buy them for my father and then inherit them? Not likely–I think I bought them later. But I don’t know that I’m inspired to dive into Vietnam media based on this book alone. Unless the Marcinko books count.

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You Do Have To Show Them The Way

The Bank of Missouri has a series of ads with bankers inserted into various situations to illustrate that they’re more than bankers. They’re part of your community or something. One depicts a banker holding a fire hose along with the firefighters. So I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be all metaphor or not.

But this one spoke to me:

The banker is not awarding the kid first base for a walk. The banker is reminding the kid to go to first base.

Friends, with the young ones, this is often the case.

As I mentioned, I coached a little league team for a season, and I was the loud coach. I cheered for all the boys, and I shouted instructions all the time.

One of the most common instructions was “Run, run, run!” which I shouted when the batter made contact with the ball. Otherwise, the youngsters were prone to gape in wonder at what they’d done and to get thrown out or tagged out easily.

Hey, I know the feeling. I had the same reaction the first time I made contact with the ball in a league softball game. Although I was nineteen at the time. And this occurred a couple of minutes before I took a fly ball to the face resulting in an ambulance ride and my getting thrown out of the league because I was an injury risk. But just so.

My second most-shouted instruction was “Get it! Get it! Get it!” when an opposing batter made contact with the ball. Because they would often stand agape at that turn of events as well.

I don’t know how many of those kids benefited from my volume, but if none of them did, I must attribute it to the fact that I did not wear a suit with a green tie that is visible from space. Clearly, I was not taking it seriously. Why should they?

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Two Indicators I’m Getting Older

So the other night we went to a local bar and grill for dinner.

My boys were thrilled with the fact that they have video games and whatnot that they could mess with while awaiting the food.

I remembered the days of my own youth, although I didn’t hang around suburban bar and grills with a clean, urban industrial aesthetic. My father took me to taverns with scarred furniture and smoke. But they had video games, and they had pinball machines, and they had pool tables where I could roll the cue ball back and forth. So I know the little sense of freedom one gets from roaming around them.

At the bar, three male friends sang, in unison, something I recognized but couldn’t immediately place. One of them had brought his girl, and when they finished, one of the guys high-fived the other and then was left hanging by the girl who was amused by the men’s behavior in that way that they sometimes are and maybe are not, actually. These guys weren’t twenty, either–definitely in their thirties or older.

The next day, I placed the song. The Numa Numa guy.

From 2004. So these guys were definitely not kids.

You know what made me feel old most of the experience? The two things:

  • It took me a day to place the Numa Numa song.
  • I am no longer the kind of man who hangs out with friends at a bar and grill and gives high fives for silly things. I mean, I do athletic things, so I give high fives, don’t get me wrong. But they’re for doing some drill at martial arts or running some distance.

Actually, you know what makes me feel old most of all? Getting older.

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One Asterisk Guarantee

So I was looking at the Smooth Jazz Cruise 2021 because Keiko Matsui lists the 2020 cruise on her tour dates page, and my beautiful wife has been jonesing for a cruise for about a decade now. Unfortunately, the 2020 cruise with Keiko Matsui is sold out, and she does not appear on the 2021 roster.

But, Brian J., aren’t you more of a 70000 Tons of Metal cruise kind of guy? To be honest, they have not announced their 2020 music lineup yet, and I’ve already mentioned this as a possibility to Mrs. Noggle, and she was so hungry for a cruise that she entertained the possibility.

But the Smooth Jazz 2021 Cruise includes a number of artists I wouldn’t mind seeing, including:

I recognize some of the other names, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to see them.

Given the confluence of the aforementioned circumstances (wife wants a cruise, jazz acts I like to see are on the cruise), I clicked through to the pricing information, and I noted that, in addition to prices that made me go, “Erm,” we have this “guarantee”:

It’s billed as a No Fee Guarantee, but it says it’s really only one fee of $350.

It’s been a while since I took a logic class, but one fee is the direct opposite of no fee.

Ah, well. It’s not as though I was really going to book this cruise. Fortunately for me, my wife does not read this blog and will not be disappointed with this revelation at the end.

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