Category: Headlines

Is Our Headline Writers Metaphoring?

Brian J. Noggle

St. Louis Post-Dispatch headline sez: 1969: A wild night on the Mississippi as the Becky Thatcher breaks free, and the Santa Maria sinks like a tub:

To be honest, I cannot conceive of how a tub sinks. Perhaps the headline writer is a fan of the 1986 film The Money Pit:

Just kidding. The headline writer was probably not even born in 1986.

But it’s just as well that the Santa Maria replica sank in 1969. Otherwise, in 2020, someone would have to sink it for hatred and indigenous genocide donchaknow.

In other news, I probably saw The Money Pit once in the 1980s. How I can remember that the tub sank through the floor is a miracle of teenaged neuroscience.

That’s Not Exactly What It Says

Brian J. Noggle

Headline: DOJ says to ‘expect action’ on religious gatherings and social distancing regulation.

The news item comes from a tweet:

The Federal government is not going to act on religious organizations; it is looking to monitor lower governments’ actions, that is, state and local governments’ enforcement on social distancing as it regards to religious organizations.

No doubt this is in response to anecdotal stories about governments ticketing drive-in services and whatnot.

However, the oversimplification in the headline makes it sound like the Federal government itself is getting ready to crack down on churches and synagogues. But that is not my reading of it.

When It’s -458 Degrees Outside

Brian J. Noggle

Catastrophic cold comes to Britain!

ICEBOX BRITAIN UK weather forecast – Snow to hit this weekend as temperatures plunge to bone-chilling 1C

Sweet Christmas, 1C is just a little above absolute zero, where all motion stops! Britain will be devastated!

Wait a minute, someone has just informed me that 1C is actually just above freezing. 1 K[elvin] on the other hand, is very cold indeed.

You know, I read somewhere that Britain once was a globe-striding colossus and that its photographers once scaled the Himalayas practically barefoot for fun, but I’m having trouble believing that when its newspapers hype up 1C temperatures.

You know what we call 1C in Wisconsin? Late spring.

I went to pick up my boys from school today, and it was 1C and raining. And I didn’t put on a coat.

Geophrenology Only!

Brian J. Noggle

Headline: E.P.A. to Limit Science Used to Write Public Health Rules.

Reality:

A new draft of the Environmental Protection Agency proposal, titled Strengthening Transparency in Regulatory Science, would require that scientists disclose all of their raw data, including confidential medical records, before the agency could consider an academic study’s conclusions.

So, basically, no more regulations made based on tl;dr interpretations of single, unrepeated studies.

So, you know, basically limiting science to science and not desired interpretations leading to desired law.