Category: Headlines

Catastrophic cold comes to Britain!

ICEBOX BRITAIN UK weather forecast – Snow to hit this weekend as temperatures plunge to bone-chilling 1C

Sweet Christmas, 1C is just a little above absolute zero, where all motion stops! Britain will be devastated!

Wait a minute, someone has just informed me that 1C is actually just above freezing. 1 K[elvin] on the other hand, is very cold indeed.

You know, I read somewhere that Britain once was a globe-striding colossus and that its photographers once scaled the Himalayas practically barefoot for fun, but I’m having trouble believing that when its newspapers hype up 1C temperatures.

You know what we call 1C in Wisconsin? Late spring.

I went to pick up my boys from school today, and it was 1C and raining. And I didn’t put on a coat.

Anthony Todt, accused of killing family in Celebration, Florida, ordered held without bail.

As any student of Dr. Russ Reising could tell you, todt means dead in German.

Which means that schieß dem Fenster is not the only German I know.

World’s first fully autonomous robot cat is programmed to be aloof

You get it? “Ay, no.”

I gotta explain my gags sometimes.

The biggest mistakes people make when they move to San Francisco

The biggest, not included? Moving to San Francisco.

Headline: E.P.A. to Limit Science Used to Write Public Health Rules.

Reality:

A new draft of the Environmental Protection Agency proposal, titled Strengthening Transparency in Regulatory Science, would require that scientists disclose all of their raw data, including confidential medical records, before the agency could consider an academic study’s conclusions.

So, basically, no more regulations made based on tl;dr interpretations of single, unrepeated studies.

So, you know, basically limiting science to science and not desired interpretations leading to desired law.

Kincade Fire burns through California

Yes, I know, the “Painter of Light” spelled his name differently. But why let that get in the way of a wry quip?

Bed Bath & Beyond names new CEO

Behold, Suburbianal IV!

St. Louis used car dealership employee scammed customers of $89,000, charges say

Or was she fired for not being good enough?

Someone has killed 42 wild burros in the Mojave Desert, and there’s a $50,000 reward.

That’s only like $1000 per donkey. I can see why the killer isn’t bothering to collect the reward.

A portion of Highway 65 is planning to reopen.

Just what else does this portion of a highway have in mind for the future?

Police: Landlord, friends used ‘scare tactics’ to force Bay Area tenants out

‘Shark Week’ starts off with another Cape Cod beach closing:

As viewers around the country begin to sink their teeth into Discovery’s annual “Shark Week,” the aquatic predators continue to lurk around the Cape, causing numerous beach closures over the weekend.

Another shark sighting shut down a Cape Cod beach Sunday, this time at Marconi when a lifeguard saw a shark fin about 40 yards from the shore. The beach was then shut down for an hour starting at 11:45 a.m., per the Atlantic White Shark Conservancy’s Sharktivity app.

Cape Cod rentals are having an unexpectedly slow summer:

Happen to have this week off and no plans? You might still find a vacancy on Cape Cod.

A Truro cottage set atop a coastal bluff with stairs to a private beach was still available on Friday — at a $1,100 discount. It was the first time in three decades that a summer week at the cottage went unclaimed, the owner said, and it’s not the only week still available.

A mystery for the ages!

Actually, the second article does mention the shark sightings.

Me, I’m worried because shark attacks were all in the news during the summer of 2001. Then some people did something that knocked the sharks out of the headlines.

Springfield Cardinals balk at parking fee hike

Query: Did the headline writer know that the verb in the headline has a very specific meaning in baseball?

Speculate among yourselves.

All 5 Arkansas medical marijuana plants under construction

Additionally, I question whether five plants is enough for a whole state.

Southwest Airlines abruptly grounds 34 planes

You know what can ground planes really abruptly? Gravity.

I make jokes like this to cover my fear of flying.

For those without mulch, Hurricane Michael is going to be bringing lower prices.

Sorry. I pass a local tree service company’s lot often, and they have mulch for sale, so when I see a downed tree and I think of mulch.

I know it’s unexpected that a headline gives the completely wrong impression, but on the home page of the Springfield News-Leader, we get this:

“Hawley will review Springfield Catholic files”.

The headline on the actual story page is much clearer: Springfield-Cape Girardeau diocese to cooperate with Hawley’s clergy abuse investigation.

What’s the problem?

Springfield Catholic generally refers to the Catholic high school in town, as this other News-Leader story shows: Tyson Riley’s heroics give Springfield Catholic a thrilling win over Seneca.

The short, pretty headline on the home page makes it sound like the state Attorney General is reviewing the school’s files in particular, which it is not.

Poor form, Peter.

Ark. Veteran Saves Mom and Child After Car Crashes into Beaver Lake

No problem for a seaman used to rounding up orangutans that have gone overboard.

A 100 pound meth ring?

Sweet Christmas, when I wed, I gave my beautiful wife a much smaller ring. I paid more because the diamond had but a few very small inclusions.

But her ring is only a couple of ounces.

I must try harder.

Man gets prison time for 11-pound cocaine bust in Strafford

Maybe he should have stuck to ice sculpture.