Category: Headlines

A total lunar eclipse is expected to occur next week

I mean, who can trust any of the science in 2022, amirite? This might not happen.

COME HOME TO ROOST My neighbours complained about my roosters being too loud – now council says I might have to KILL them… I’m devastated

Although the pronoun with a questionable antecedent does not make it clear whether the woman needs to kill her neighbors or the council.

Maybe the roosters, but it’s only one of three nounds in the subheadline (the capitalized headline has home and roost, none of which could be the direct object of the second).

(Note the article makes it clear they’re talking about the cockerels.)

You know what? I’ve been goofing on headlines like this for nearly two decades, but we’ve gotten to a point where I write posts like this, and I think Is this enough to serve as a pretext for a pre-dawn armed raid by the authorities because I’m posting calls for anti-authority violence? What an exciting world we live in now!

Hockey player uses skate as weapon in Canadian fight

Beloved monarch butterflies now listed as endangered by conservation group

It’s basically a press release from the International Union for the Conservation of Nature, but apparently the news story has quotes from ecologists not affiliated with the nonprofit saying the numbers of monarch butterflies have declined recently.

How recent counts match with history is impossible, because the prehistory–the time before written records were kept–of counting monarchs ended probably only decades ago–that is, all counts of monarchs, probably based on computer models rather than an actual census, began recently.

So science is probably only tangentially involved.

Bird flu arrives in Southwest after millions of birds die

Now, I am not a veterinarian or a zoologist, but I suspect the bird flu arrived just before the birds died, not after.

STL company to open 2nd HQ in Baltimore area

They mean:

STL company to plans to leave St. Louis

Although leaving St. Louis for Baltimore seems a bit like going from the frying pan into the free-fire zone.

Peloton to trial new subscription model

The verb you’re looking for is try.

Maybe the headline writer is just heeding Yoda’s advice.

Apparently, the greatest grave robbing crime in history.

Lost memoir paints revered philosopher John Locke as ‘vain, lazy and pompous’

Just kidding. After the last season of that show, I can’t be arsed to rewatch or think much about it except to make gag blog posts.

(Headline via Powerline’s The Week in Pictures.)

‘New hidden world’ discovered in Earth’s inner core, bombshell study finds

But I was not standing shoulder to shoulder with her other fans: Loren Cook Fans protect Republic, MO Amazon Fulfillment Center

Just kidding. I have never heard any of her music. Is she any good?

One moment: I have been handed a note–apparently, this is a sponsored story by a ventilation company, not a group of like-aestheticked individuals coming together to stop looting.

Never mind, carry on.

Old and busted: Wine Moms.

New hotness: Wine Kids.

Winery owner to buy Missouri nursery

Wait a minute, I’ve been handed a note: The Springfield Business Journal headline is misleading. Apparently, the corporation owning the winery is buying landscaping companies.

Never mind, carry on.

And recognize that this might well be the very last time, at least according to the chronology of the writing, where you read Old and busted/new hotness.

Plymouth shooting gunman ‘is America obsessed gun nut who shared Donald Trump quotes’

Undoubtedly, his favorite was the one where Donald Trump said if you cannot get laid, you maybe should try injecting some lead into random people; it couldn’t hurt.

You might be forgiven, casual news glancer, if you started to connect Donald Trump and QAnon and Republican with anything bad ever happening anywhere on the planet.

Forgiven? Heck, you will be rewarded with up-twinkles.

Man killed his kids with spear gun because of QAnon conspiracy theories, FBI says:

A California father confessed to killing his two young children after researching QAnon and Illuminati conspiracy theories that led him to believe they had “serpent DNA,” according to an FBI affidavit.

Matthew Taylor Coleman, a 40-year-old surf instructor, has been charged with killing his 2-year-old son and 10-month-old daughter, the Associated Press reported.

The man killed them because he was crazy. Also, estranged from their mother.

But, gentle reader, if you got the impression from the headline that he killed them because he felt the 2020 election might have had some notable irregularities and because Donald Trump told him to inject spears into his children, well, the Right Thinkers are guiding you to the Right Way.

Full disclosure: I do not spread QAnon conspiracy theories. I spread QAoui conspiracy theories.

Losing wisdom teeth may enhance sense of taste, new research suggests

You should have seen the tie I picked for church yesterday. Clearly my sense of taste has not been enhanced by the removal of my wisdom teeth before my failed sedation dentistry experiment of 2000.

(Headline via Instapundit.)

Sheriff goes to hospital after motorcycle accident, suffers minor injuries

The headline makes it sound like he got the injuries from the trip to the hospital, not the motorcycle accident, ainna?

Texas officials race to administer 5,000 COVID vaccines after power outage

Although one would expect they would use cow sleds instead of dogsleds.

Program looks for teachers to bring program to rural schools

Just kidding. Government programs and charitable organizations have been self-aware and looking to live on like living organisms for a long, long time.

Still, it was a funny headline. Making the program the actor in this sentence instead of the direct object.