Category: Headlines

Southwest Airlines abruptly grounds 34 planes

You know what can ground planes really abruptly? Gravity.

I make jokes like this to cover my fear of flying.

For those without mulch, Hurricane Michael is going to be bringing lower prices.

Sorry. I pass a local tree service company’s lot often, and they have mulch for sale, so when I see a downed tree and I think of mulch.

I know it’s unexpected that a headline gives the completely wrong impression, but on the home page of the Springfield News-Leader, we get this:

“Hawley will review Springfield Catholic files”.

The headline on the actual story page is much clearer: Springfield-Cape Girardeau diocese to cooperate with Hawley’s clergy abuse investigation.

What’s the problem?

Springfield Catholic generally refers to the Catholic high school in town, as this other News-Leader story shows: Tyson Riley’s heroics give Springfield Catholic a thrilling win over Seneca.

The short, pretty headline on the home page makes it sound like the state Attorney General is reviewing the school’s files in particular, which it is not.

Poor form, Peter.

Ark. Veteran Saves Mom and Child After Car Crashes into Beaver Lake

No problem for a seaman used to rounding up orangutans that have gone overboard.

A 100 pound meth ring?

Sweet Christmas, when I wed, I gave my beautiful wife a much smaller ring. I paid more because the diamond had but a few very small inclusions.

But her ring is only a couple of ounces.

I must try harder.

Man gets prison time for 11-pound cocaine bust in Strafford

Maybe he should have stuck to ice sculpture.

Or Turkic, whichever the people from the tribe predominantly associated with the nation state of Turkey calls themselves:

Dan Rather launching newscast on The Young Turks network.

Perhaps his news magazine will be sandwiched between thirty year old episodes of The Golden Girls.

Although perhaps Dan Rather does represent “young” amongst people who watch television news.

Really, you would expect behavior from the Lions Club, but:

Elks gore 2 at St. Louis County park in just over 2 weeks

I can kid because both people survived, and possibly learned a lesson.

Also, note the park is Lone Elk Park. Perhaps it’s time to change the name to Murderous Multiple Elk Park to make things clearer.

Springfield boy receives gift of a lifetime in hospital from firefighter heroes

What do you get for that someone who has everything? A lifetime in a hospital.

Dates Announced for Free Flu Shots in Springfield

Bring that special someone.

YouTube ordered to pay more for music by Europe

Thank goodness this headline implies that Ace of Base is unaffected. Because, honestly, how much more would you pay to hear “The Sign” again?

Lightning strike kills more than 300 reindeer in Norway

Won’t the Norse gods think of the reindeer?

It’s a Breitbart.com story entitled Outsourcing Masculinity: Where Have All the American Action Heroes Gone?:

The ad at the bottom is for a movie/non-profit about educating girls.

Probably not the best placement for good clicks.

Internet hoaxers aren’t even trying any more.

An article on the Daily Mail (UK) Web site linked by Instapundit bears the headline Women DO judge men on their penis size: Researchers say it is ‘as important as a man’s height’.

However, one the Internet one should be skeptical of everything, especially those sourced like this:

Writing in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (a journal commonly known by its initials as PNAS), Brian Mautz, Bob Wong, Richard Peters and Michael Jennions use a clever experimental manipulation of computer-generated imagery – CGI – to test the effects of variation in penis size relative to height and torso shape (shoulder width relative to waist width) on the attractiveness of male bodies to women.

This cannot be real, can it?

I’ve looked at the universities listed with the authors, and only Richard Peters actually is at the place where it says he works (but he’s not in the Department of Zoology).

However, the study (and the news article) are three years old. So perhaps they moved on. If they ever existed.

You’re saying to yourself, Brian J. sure is working hard to discredit this study. Does it make him feel bad about himself?.

I’m not going to dignify that with a response.

Man, I hate Common Core word problems.

Is hundreds the numerator or the denominator here? Were hundreds of houses from x houses decimated, or were hundreds of houses decimated with x destroyed?

Missing king cobra snake found under dryer in Florida

The title, I don’t need to remind you, alludes to “Rikki-Tiki-Tavi” by Rudyard Kipling. I just read that story to my boys two weeks ago. Now, they’ll be chittering for a mongoose for sure.

Especially since Springfield, Missouri, had its own missing cobra scare in the 1950s.

The headline is Sweep, it is: Gordon, Volquez guide Royals past Twins 7-2.

Friends, countrymen, do you think the 20 something Web producer has mangled an allusion to The Jackie Gleason Show, where Jackie Gleason used the catchphrase “How sweet it is”? Do you think the phrase has been thrown into the blender of modern American culture over the last fifty years, divorcing it from its origins, so that people today almost repeat it without knowing where it came from?

If so, it’s quite the metaphor for modern America in so many ways, where current utterances and thoughts are far divorced from their origins.

Or I suppose the headline writer could have put those words together that way because Yoda would. But Yoda would have used the article in front of sweep.

San Francisco strikes a blow against sugary sodas

Way to play it straight, CNN. It’s not that San Francisco has raised taxes. It’s that San Francisco has attacked a beast or adversary of mythological scope.

Sting recovers collection of stolen car titles, keys

An unfortunate juxtaposition of headlines:

7 homicides recorded in just over 48 hours in Milwaukee
Metro Milwaukee home sales shoot up 25.6% in March

Perhaps if they could find those metro home sales responsible for all the shooting up, Milwaukee officials can curb appeal the violence.