Category: Headlines
Is Our Headline Writers Nouning Verbs?
Dems put divides aside, rally behind Biden at convention
If only English had a noun that means the parts after you divide something.
Ah, well, it’s devolving into nothing but grunts and emojis anyway. So what use would it be?
When News Readers Go Bad
Is Our Headline Writers Inventing New Sports?
Volleyball soccer? I am not sure I can wait any longer to see that played at the collegiate level.
Actually, I note that the comma appears correctly atop the online story. But that won’t stop me from funnin’ on it.
Springfield-News Leader Uses Ethnic Slur
Springfield boy says woman yelled racial slurs, tried to run him over
I believe to remain in compliance with all possible speech codes, the headline should be Springfield young man says woman yelled racial slurs, tried to run him over. Assuming, of course, they asked his gender before making that assumption.
Most Homes Not Level 4 Virus Labs, Study Finds
To Be Fair, Coffee Could Have Replaced Some Of My Bosses
Red Bull Replaces Top U.S. Executives Amid Internal Tensions.
Not my current bosses, of course. Or my past bosses who might become my current bosses by the time they read this. And all of my future bosses are very stimulating too.
Why That Prefix?
One male found deceased in Gainesville, Two people now in custody
Why is the prefix “de” on deceased? Given that we are nothing and when we die we return to nothingness (or dust, if you will), why isn’t the word we’re looking for receased?
Is Our Headline Writers Metaphoring?
St. Louis Post-Dispatch headline sez: 1969: A wild night on the Mississippi as the Becky Thatcher breaks free, and the Santa Maria sinks like a tub:
To be honest, I cannot conceive of how a tub sinks. Perhaps the headline writer is a fan of the 1986 film The Money Pit:
Just kidding. The headline writer was probably not even born in 1986.
But it’s just as well that the Santa Maria replica sank in 1969. Otherwise, in 2020, someone would have to sink it for hatred and indigenous genocide donchaknow.
In other news, I probably saw The Money Pit once in the 1980s. How I can remember that the tub sank through the floor is a miracle of teenaged neuroscience.
A Better Headline
Woman who kept husband’s body in freezer sues Joplin Police Department
The better headline would be Woman who kept husband’s body in freezer wants freezer, husband’s body back.
Because that is true.
Is Our Headline Writers Even From Around Here?
The other day on the Springfield News-Leader‘s home page:
Come on, you fresh product of j-school elsewhere, do some local history research.
Greene County, Missouri, named after "Mean Joe" Greene, has an e at the end of the name.
I am pretty sure the forefathers of this great county were Steelers fans. Or Coke fans.
Is Our Headline Writers Learning?
On an education article, no less:
This Calls For A Complete Economic Shutdown
MSHP urges caution as Missouri traffic deaths up 7% from last year
If it saves just one life.
Good Boi Is Recovering
Scientists Create Antibody That Defeats Coronavirus in Lab
I would have to infer from the headline that the Pekingese didn’t make it.
(Headline stolen from a friend’s Facebook page; my schtick recreated here for your amusement.)
That’s Not Exactly What It Says
Headline: DOJ says to ‘expect action’ on religious gatherings and social distancing regulation.
The news item comes from a tweet:
The Federal government is not going to act on religious organizations; it is looking to monitor lower governments’ actions, that is, state and local governments’ enforcement on social distancing as it regards to religious organizations.
No doubt this is in response to anecdotal stories about governments ticketing drive-in services and whatnot.
However, the oversimplification in the headline makes it sound like the Federal government itself is getting ready to crack down on churches and synagogues. But that is not my reading of it.
I Believe The Word Is “Nightmare”
Wildlife ranger mauled to death by shark on Great Barrier Reef was doing “dream job”
To be honest, I’ve never been mauled by a shark in a dream, but if I did, I would probably startle myself awake when the shark got really close.
There’s a reason that I’ve chosen a home thousands of miles from sharks.
Missouri Governor Burns Executive Orders
ICYMI: Gov. Parson says he singed a sixth execute order during daily COVID update.
Our governor is so small government that he lights edicts on fire.
Wait, a minute, this just in: Naw, apparently it’s a typo in the headline. He signed the thing. Although it’s an order suspending late penalties for concealed carry licenses which is Missouri enough.
Grim Death Toll In Britain
Apparently, in Britain, embarrassment is 10% as deadly as Coronavirus.
Zombie Cops Shamble Slowly, You Know
The headline on and the article itself are a little more clear that it wasn’t the cops who were killed fifty years ago.
When It’s -458 Degrees Outside
Catastrophic cold comes to Britain!
Sweet Christmas, 1C is just a little above absolute zero, where all motion stops! Britain will be devastated!
Wait a minute, someone has just informed me that 1C is actually just above freezing. 1 K[elvin] on the other hand, is very cold indeed.
You know, I read somewhere that Britain once was a globe-striding colossus and that its photographers once scaled the Himalayas practically barefoot for fun, but I’m having trouble believing that when its newspapers hype up 1C temperatures.
You know what we call 1C in Wisconsin? Late spring.
I went to pick up my boys from school today, and it was 1C and raining. And I didn’t put on a coat.