Category: Headlines

Texas officials race to administer 5,000 COVID vaccines after power outage

Although one would expect they would use cow sleds instead of dogsleds.

Program looks for teachers to bring program to rural schools

Just kidding. Government programs and charitable organizations have been self-aware and looking to live on like living organisms for a long, long time.

Still, it was a funny headline. Making the program the actor in this sentence instead of the direct object.

Tesla’s new Boombox feature will let car owners fart at unsuspecting neighbors:

Tesla’s new holiday update will finally give people the ability to use a new Boombox mode, which can broadcast custom audio on the outside of the car (hence the name). As is common with new Tesla features, Boombox combines real utility with lowbrow humor: owners can use fart and goat sounds in lieu of normal, boring honking sounds car horns usually make.

(Link via Ace of Spades HQ.)

‘Growing Pains’ star Jeremy Miller slams Kirk Cameron for caroling events

If you’re using “star” to describe a supporting child actor in a television series from thirty years ago, perhaps you’re using the wrong word. Also, perhaps, you’re digging pretty deep–with reporting via email and reading tweets–to slam a Christian in or near Hollywood for engaging in Christmas activity.

Holiday season wraps up in a few weeks, Silver Dollar City officials remind guests

Basically, Silver Dollar City wants you to come visit it before it shuts down for the off-season.

Not that it had much of an on-season this year.

UK Weather: Britain braces for 48-hour snow bomb as temperatures set to plunge to -5C.

Maybe bomb cyclones only hit the Ozarks.

I am thankful to live in times and in a society where meterologists use bomb as a metaphor, and we are not so accustomed to the concrete realities of actual bombs exploding around us with enough frequency to see what a ridiculous metaphor that is for weather which is in the range of normal.

Cat’s priceless reaction to first beach trip leaves everyone in stitches

Wait a minute: Upon actually reading the article, I see that the cat did not actually claw people who then required medical attention. Apparently, its owners just took funny pictures of it.

Which is not what I, as the owner of sometime cantankerous cats, got from the headline.

Lamar Odom and fiancée Sabrina Parr call off engagement.

Technically, she is no longer his fiancée. I think the word the headline writer was looking for is “Somebody That He Used To Know”. Which is probably only one word in German, anyway.

By the way, I only sort of know who Lamar Odom is. I didn’t click on the story because I care. I clicked on the story to mock the headline.

Scant mention of brewing crises at Republican convention.

Dems put divides aside, rally behind Biden at convention

If only English had a noun that means the parts after you divide something.

Ah, well, it’s devolving into nothing but grunts and emojis anyway. So what use would it be?

Man hit and killed by an anchor at Lake of the Ozarks

Volleyball soccer? I am not sure I can wait any longer to see that played at the collegiate level.

Actually, I note that the comma appears correctly atop the online story. But that won’t stop me from funnin’ on it.

Springfield boy says woman yelled racial slurs, tried to run him over

I believe to remain in compliance with all possible speech codes, the headline should be Springfield young man says woman yelled racial slurs, tried to run him over. Assuming, of course, they asked his gender before making that assumption.

Many Milwaukee homes lack separate space needed for COVID isolation.

You don’t say.

Red Bull Replaces Top U.S. Executives Amid Internal Tensions.

Not my current bosses, of course. Or my past bosses who might become my current bosses by the time they read this. And all of my future bosses are very stimulating too.

One male found deceased in Gainesville, Two people now in custody

Why is the prefix “de” on deceased? Given that we are nothing and when we die we return to nothingness (or dust, if you will), why isn’t the word we’re looking for receased?

Woman who kept husband’s body in freezer sues Joplin Police Department

The better headline would be Woman who kept husband’s body in freezer wants freezer, husband’s body back.

Because that is true.

The other day on the Springfield News-Leader‘s home page:

Come on, you fresh product of j-school elsewhere, do some local history research.

Greene County, Missouri, named after "Mean Joe" Greene, has an e at the end of the name.

I am pretty sure the forefathers of this great county were Steelers fans. Or Coke fans.

On an education article, no less: