To be able to say "Noggle," you first must be able to say "Nah."
UK Weather: Britain braces for 48-hour snow bomb as temperatures set to plunge to -5C.
Maybe bomb cyclones only hit the Ozarks.
I am thankful to live in times and in a society where meterologists use bomb as a metaphor, and we are not so accustomed to the concrete realities of actual bombs exploding around us with enough frequency to see what a ridiculous metaphor that is for weather which is in the range of normal.
Cat’s priceless reaction to first beach trip leaves everyone in stitches
Wait a minute: Upon actually reading the article, I see that the cat did not actually claw people who then required medical attention. Apparently, its owners just took funny pictures of it.
Which is not what I, as the owner of sometime cantankerous cats, got from the headline.
Lamar Odom and fiancée Sabrina Parr call off engagement.
Technically, she is no longer his fiancée. I think the word the headline writer was looking for is “Somebody That He Used To Know”. Which is probably only one word in German, anyway.
By the way, I only sort of know who Lamar Odom is. I didn’t click on the story because I care. I clicked on the story to mock the headline.
Dems put divides aside, rally behind Biden at convention
If only English had a noun that means the parts after you divide something.
Ah, well, it’s devolving into nothing but grunts and emojis anyway. So what use would it be?
Volleyball soccer? I am not sure I can wait any longer to see that played at the collegiate level.
Actually, I note that the comma appears correctly atop the online story. But that won’t stop me from funnin’ on it.
Springfield boy says woman yelled racial slurs, tried to run him over
I believe to remain in compliance with all possible speech codes, the headline should be Springfield young man says woman yelled racial slurs, tried to run him over. Assuming, of course, they asked his gender before making that assumption.
Red Bull Replaces Top U.S. Executives Amid Internal Tensions.
Not my current bosses, of course. Or my past bosses who might become my current bosses by the time they read this. And all of my future bosses are very stimulating too.
One male found deceased in Gainesville, Two people now in custody
Why is the prefix “de” on deceased? Given that we are nothing and when we die we return to nothingness (or dust, if you will), why isn’t the word we’re looking for receased?
St. Louis Post-Dispatch headline sez: 1969: A wild night on the Mississippi as the Becky Thatcher breaks free, and the Santa Maria sinks like a tub:
To be honest, I cannot conceive of how a tub sinks. Perhaps the headline writer is a fan of the 1986 film The Money Pit:
Just kidding. The headline writer was probably not even born in 1986.
But it’s just as well that the Santa Maria replica sank in 1969. Otherwise, in 2020, someone would have to sink it for hatred and indigenous genocide donchaknow.
In other news, I probably saw The Money Pit once in the 1980s. How I can remember that the tub sank through the floor is a miracle of teenaged neuroscience.
Woman who kept husband’s body in freezer sues Joplin Police Department
The better headline would be Woman who kept husband’s body in freezer wants freezer, husband’s body back.
Because that is true.
The other day on the Springfield News-Leader‘s home page:
Come on, you fresh product of j-school elsewhere, do some local history research.
Greene County, Missouri, named after "Mean Joe" Greene, has an e at the end of the name.
I am pretty sure the forefathers of this great county were Steelers fans. Or Coke fans.
On an education article, no less:
MSHP urges caution as Missouri traffic deaths up 7% from last year
If it saves just one life.
Scientists Create Antibody That Defeats Coronavirus in Lab
I would have to infer from the headline that the Pekingese didn’t make it.
(Headline stolen from a friend’s Facebook page; my schtick recreated here for your amusement.)
Headline: DOJ says to ‘expect action’ on religious gatherings and social distancing regulation.
The news item comes from a tweet:
The Federal government is not going to act on religious organizations; it is looking to monitor lower governments’ actions, that is, state and local governments’ enforcement on social distancing as it regards to religious organizations.
No doubt this is in response to anecdotal stories about governments ticketing drive-in services and whatnot.
However, the oversimplification in the headline makes it sound like the Federal government itself is getting ready to crack down on churches and synagogues. But that is not my reading of it.
Wildlife ranger mauled to death by shark on Great Barrier Reef was doing “dream job”
To be honest, I’ve never been mauled by a shark in a dream, but if I did, I would probably startle myself awake when the shark got really close.
There’s a reason that I’ve chosen a home thousands of miles from sharks.
ICYMI: Gov. Parson says he singed a sixth execute order during daily COVID update.
Our governor is so small government that he lights edicts on fire.
Wait, a minute, this just in: Naw, apparently it’s a typo in the headline. He signed the thing. Although it’s an order suspending late penalties for concealed carry licenses which is Missouri enough.