Category: Headlines

Missouri State High School Athletics Association awards Ozark baseball championships through 2031.

Akshually, by clicking through, I guess I see that they mean is that “mishuh” has determined where the games will be played, not which schools will win.

But, c’mon, man, this is the Internet, and we’re cynical and conspiracy-generating, so we have to ask or did they?

Yahoo Mail down worldwide as users rage over email app crashes

Up until recently, my Sam’s Club membership was tied to my Yahoo! email address from 25 years ago. I guess I could get into it if I really wanted to–if they haven’t turned it off as they oft threatened–but I did not tend to get anything but junk, and a couple years’ worth of junk is too much to sift through looking for something that might have been a real email.

When making the film of the story Mangled alligator corpses keep popping up in a Florida canal — and state officials have no idea why, you can use either one, or both, of the ideas from the title above.

Me, I’m sticking with freshwater cocaine sharks.

‘Cocaine sharks’ throng Brazilian waters as drug enters ecosystem

It could only be more Brazilian if somehow the word throng were replaced with thong.

Compromisation.

The Internet says it is a word based on a single usage of it on a blog somewhere, sometime, referring to making a compromise, not in the sense of a computer system security incident.

And now the AIs of the world are making it happen.

Mystery as California firefighters find two dead bodies inside ‘human-dug cave’ surrounded by ‘white powder’

These brave adventurers gave their own lives to dig a burrow for the chthonic demon and lured it in with themselves as bait before completing the protective circle to trap it (and them) forever, saving the world, and authorities don’t recognize it for what it is and loose the demon again as part of their “investigation”? Or are they serving their Dark Lord the Molevolent?

Reading the article:

Meh, drugs. Never mind.

The world in my head is so much more interesting than reality.

Biden urges Congress to pass Ukraine aid package while expressing openness to Mexico border changes

To be honest, I wonder if the next war that the United States is involved in is the 2nd Mexican-American War.

The life and work of James Luther Heckenlively, one of Springfield’s most prolific architects

Heckenlively. I would not make that name up for a test user or a fictional character. But there it is.

If that’s not what the story is about, I don’t want to know what it is about.

Eating two servings of red meat increases risk of diabetes: study

Although after seeing this headline yesterday, I had planned to buy some beef for dinner, but then I remembered that my beautiful wife had mentioned a hankering for pork chops earlier in the week. So I brought home pork chops to grill instead of steaks. But not because a headline steered me away. Because I love to please my wife. And we traditionally have steaks on Fridays.

I thought it was a meme, but maybe not:

Wyndham Clark celebrates US Open win with girlfriend Alicia

Maybe they met working at one of the resort chain’s boiler rooms call centers. We actually have one or more of them here in Springfield.

A total lunar eclipse is expected to occur next week

I mean, who can trust any of the science in 2022, amirite? This might not happen.

COME HOME TO ROOST My neighbours complained about my roosters being too loud – now council says I might have to KILL them… I’m devastated

Although the pronoun with a questionable antecedent does not make it clear whether the woman needs to kill her neighbors or the council.

Maybe the roosters, but it’s only one of three nounds in the subheadline (the capitalized headline has home and roost, none of which could be the direct object of the second).

(Note the article makes it clear they’re talking about the cockerels.)

You know what? I’ve been goofing on headlines like this for nearly two decades, but we’ve gotten to a point where I write posts like this, and I think Is this enough to serve as a pretext for a pre-dawn armed raid by the authorities because I’m posting calls for anti-authority violence? What an exciting world we live in now!

Hockey player uses skate as weapon in Canadian fight

Beloved monarch butterflies now listed as endangered by conservation group

It’s basically a press release from the International Union for the Conservation of Nature, but apparently the news story has quotes from ecologists not affiliated with the nonprofit saying the numbers of monarch butterflies have declined recently.

How recent counts match with history is impossible, because the prehistory–the time before written records were kept–of counting monarchs ended probably only decades ago–that is, all counts of monarchs, probably based on computer models rather than an actual census, began recently.

So science is probably only tangentially involved.

Bird flu arrives in Southwest after millions of birds die

Now, I am not a veterinarian or a zoologist, but I suspect the bird flu arrived just before the birds died, not after.

STL company to open 2nd HQ in Baltimore area

They mean:

STL company to plans to leave St. Louis

Although leaving St. Louis for Baltimore seems a bit like going from the frying pan into the free-fire zone.

Peloton to trial new subscription model

The verb you’re looking for is try.

Maybe the headline writer is just heeding Yoda’s advice.

Apparently, the greatest grave robbing crime in history.