Category: Headlines

Pilot ejects safely after F-16 crashes during training flight in Michigan

Lifelong Cardinals fans react to the last regular season game before rebranding:

As the Springfield Cardinals’ regular season comes to an end on Sunday, so does two decades of Cardinals baseball.

On Aug. 25, the team announced it would be changing its name, logo and uniform after 20 years under the Springfield Cardinals name.

Twenty years does not a lifetime make. Around here, twenty years counts as “recently.”

Baby delivered at Wonders of Wildlife before first responders arrived

Some people will do anything to avoid having to pay for an extra ticket.

Trump vows to ‘permanently pause’ migration from poor nations in anti-immigrant social media screed

But if they go beyond the words “President Trump,” I would be surprised.

Let me look:

Brief quotes from what was undoubtedly a much larger post leavened with the usual tropes of why he is a bad, bad man.

I would say, “Do better, AP,” but I am not sure they can at this point.

Link to the President’s post? Of course not. Don’t want to platform or normalize him, I guess.

Springfield is seeing less homicides this year compared to years past

To be pedantic, that should be fewer.

How many fewer? Looks like we’re down 18%. From 12 to 10.

Man, this is why I moved down here.

…this might be the heist of the century:

Police: Suspect breaks into Circle K, steals only beef sticks

Round up the usual Keto suspects!

Rapper D4vd, whose Tesla trunk contained dead teen girl, had ‘farm’ tools that ‘could be used to get rid of a body’: investigator

What tools?

“There were some items at the house that were still in their original manufacturing packaging that had been delivered that have no use in a home in the Hollywood Hills,” said Fisher, a missing persons investigator based in California.

“These are items that belong more on a farm than in a home. It would make no sense to even own these things,” he added, refusing to name the specific items so as not to interfere with the ongoing LAPD investigation.

Well, not pigs, clearly, as they would not be in their original packaging. But, heck’s pecs, farm tools covers a lot of ground from a shovel to a combine harvester or thresher–but those sorts of tools do not come in packaging. So your guess is as good as mine. But I guess the headline is clicknip to urban people who like celebrity news. And, clearly, backwater bloggers.

Pregnant Ohio woman’s body found stuff inside plastic bin leading to the arrest of two men

What stuff?

Matty Healy comforts crying mom outside LA restaurant after Taylor Swift jab

Especially if she gets her full body into it; that will give you something to cry about.

In related news, which is unrelated actually but is a funny story: My son and I re-certified for CPR two weeks ago, and we brought along my beautiful wife so she could also get a pretty little AHA card for her overstuffed wallet.

The captain in charge and the fireman assisting asserted we should lock our elbows and rock to get the full body into quality compressions on the adult mannikin. Then, they brought out infant-sized mannikins for us to practice little two-finger compressions. And when it came time to do the bit on a choking baby, it was two-fingered modified Heimlichs and pats on the back.

When it came time to try them on the mannikin, my black-belt-havin’ wife apparently gave the little mannikin a full martial arts palm strike on it that caused the mannikin to eject the electronic parts that light up to give feedback on your CPR compressions. They clattered to the floor at the feet of the captain, and she said, “Should I not put my hip into it?”

She passed, of course, as she was the only one in the class (and perhaps ever) to make the baby actually cough up anything.

Record-Sized Comet Seen Belching Jets From Surface as It Heads Our Way

C’mon, man, what kind of record? 12″ LP? A 45rpm single? A 78rpm disc?

There are different sized records, you know.

(Link via Instapundit.)

Shannon County, Mo., woman saves baby wild horse stuck in the woods

Maybe vocabulary scientists should develop a single word to capture the concept of baby horse.

I hammer on and on about this, but:

The state of Missouri does not have a Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV).

License offices are independently operated, often by charitable organizations, and all licensing fees go to the state’s Department of Revenue.

“DMV” comes from the pop culture, where it’s slang for the kind of thing Missouri license offices handle, presumably prevalent in California and/or New York, where movies and television shows have been made historically.

I have to be pedantic, since so much in the news just ain’t so.

Cardinals set date for Pope Francis’ public viewing and funeral

With the Bucks and the Blues down in their playoff races, one’s heart turns to baseball. How are the Redbirds doing? Oh. One’s heart turns to football?

I’m not sure if it was a human or a Large Language Model (LLM, not Intelligence) that wrote the initial headline this morning with the word “reigns” instead of “reins.”

I’m not sure if it was a human or a Large Language Model that corrected the headline since.

Does it even matter?

Chocolate recall upgraded to highest risk level: Consumption ‘could cause death’

Oh, noes! Poisonous chocolate beans? How could this happen?

Federal officials have upgraded a chocolate recall to the highest risk level over fears consuming the product could “cause serious adverse health consequences or death.”

Three products from Cal Yee Farm – Dark Chocolate Almonds, Dark Chocolate Apricots and Dark Chocolate Walnuts – have been given a Class 1 classification for containing undeclared milk, according to the FDA.

In other words, take them back if you have a milk allergy.

They are not likely to catch fire in your esophagus or anything.

UPDATE: Sarah Hoyt posted about this at Instapundit this morning, but I’d scheduled this post yesterday afternoon, so I didn’t forget a hat tip. Our snark is pretty similar, though.

Lindsey Graham, a top Trump ally, says pardoning Capitol attackers sends ‘the wrong signal’

I am not sure who but Lindsey Graham (and perhaps journalists who are either uninformed and not very attentive or who have their own reasons for making this assertion) would call him an ally of Trump at all.

Missouri State High School Athletics Association awards Ozark baseball championships through 2031.

Akshually, by clicking through, I guess I see that they mean is that “mishuh” has determined where the games will be played, not which schools will win.

But, c’mon, man, this is the Internet, and we’re cynical and conspiracy-generating, so we have to ask or did they?

Yahoo Mail down worldwide as users rage over email app crashes

Up until recently, my Sam’s Club membership was tied to my Yahoo! email address from 25 years ago. I guess I could get into it if I really wanted to–if they haven’t turned it off as they oft threatened–but I did not tend to get anything but junk, and a couple years’ worth of junk is too much to sift through looking for something that might have been a real email.

When making the film of the story Mangled alligator corpses keep popping up in a Florida canal — and state officials have no idea why, you can use either one, or both, of the ideas from the title above.

Me, I’m sticking with freshwater cocaine sharks.

‘Cocaine sharks’ throng Brazilian waters as drug enters ecosystem

It could only be more Brazilian if somehow the word throng were replaced with thong.