Brian J.’s Recycler Tours: The Prophecy Is Fulfilled

From 2015:

I have been telling the kids in my [martial arts] sword class that “uff da” is Viking for “Cut off his head!”

If they ever go to Minnesota, they’re going to think it’s the most dangerous place in America.

Also on this day in 2011, one of my best:

Brian J. Noggle keeps trying to create a splinter group of Pan’s followers, but he can’t get no satyrs’ faction.

You have to be 40 years old to be educated enough to get that joke.

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Brian J.’s Recycler Tour’s Biggest Hits

Well, maybe not my biggest hits, but June 2 has historically proven to be particularly good on my Facebook feed. Here are a couple of items from years (decades) past:

2014:

I’m starting a band called Meowy Vanilli, and we’re going to do nothing but meow covers of Milli Vanilli songs.
We’re going to be HUGE in Japan.

2011:

Brian J. Noggle doesn’t think he can actually explain what he meant when he told his three-year-old, “You’re such a cutie, you deserve a death cab.”

Brian J. Noggle complains, “Life has given me lemonade. What am I supposed to do with that?”

Well, maybe only two years in the past.

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Brian J.’s Recycler Tour Comes To Your Town

Over a decade ago, I said:

Brian J. Noggle insists earnestly that his child’s first doctor visit involved him getting examined by a vet.

And I explained in a comment:

Lt. Cdr Terrill USN, ret., had just gotten her first job outside the service. Being former Navy, she was used to treating babies, though.

Aforementioned baby is now, what, almost fifteen and in the JROTC. Not the Navy, though, since we don’t really have that much water around here, even in the wet springs.

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Brian J.’s Recycler Tour (III)

Apparently, twelve years ago, I quipped on Facebook:

Brian J. Noggle recommends you avoid tugging on Batman’s cape as well. To be honest, he’s more piquish than Superman.

Note:

  • In those days, what you put into Facebook appeared right next to your name, so I often phrased my posts as though my name was the subject in a sentence. It’s not that Brian J. often refers to himself in the first person. Although, I suppose, if you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know I do.
  • Hmmm, twelve years ago, I used peckish instead of piquish. I have corrected it here in the Revised Second Edition of this quip.

Also, I need to footnote this humor.

*

You damn kids.

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Brian J.’s Recycler Tour (II)

Another quip I made, recycled from aeons ago on Facebook:

Brian J. Noggle is so vain, he thinks this song is about him and is sending him coded messages from The Messiah Team detailing the secret conspiracy of grocery store bread vendors against him. So maybe “vain” isn’t the operative word.

I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.

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Getting Along With Little Doggies

The Ozarks Multisport Club is holding its duathlon series in person this year, way up north of Springfield, so I shan’t attend this year as it would be an hour in the car each way before the suck occurs.

Since it’s not virtual, that also means that this little guy over on FR 190 will miss me as I won’t be passing by at speed every weekend.

Although, to be honest, he’s a bit lazy; its the cattle on the other side of the road that would run along the fence line inside the pasture that as I ran or rode by. Although, to be honest, it’s not just the horns one must fear.

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Life Lessons from Brian J.

I am trying to raise my boys to be men, which means I like to pass on important life lessons to them.

For example, I am teaching my children young men:

  • It is impossible to look tough while drinking through a straw. Humphrey Bogart would himself looked silly with a duck face as he tried to get the last of a frappé out of a plastic cup. When a drink comes with a straw, take it out and drink it like a man.
  • Beans can be any meal. I know, I know; when I was a kid, I did not have a taste for beans, but now that I am a man, I find that you can have beans for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. And you can mix in other leftovers with beans to stretch them out. I attribute this, of course, to I read The Grapes of Wrath.
  • Never, ever appear before your woman wearing nothing but socks. Especially black socks. Okay, they’re still a little young for this particular lesson, but it’s an important one.

Just a few little things, but they make adult life easier and better.

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Brian J.’s Recycler Tour

I can’t believe I wasted some of my best lines on Twitter and Facebook, making money for the Boy rather than as an attraction for you, gentle reader, to come here for the wit and make me money by clicking one of the (blocked) ads or the Amazon links, even though I was booted from the affiliate program when Amazon had tantrum about people making money in states that threatened to collect Internet sales taxes before they had a footprint in that state. Now, of course, Internet sales taxes are a fait accompli and Amazon has big footprints in the state, but when I applied for reinstatement, not enough people ordered through my affiliate link, so I got discharged a second time. Maybe I’ll try again when I get up to fifty readers a day consistently–they’re mostly search hits for old book reports anyway, the kind of place where an affiliate book link might make sense.

But I digress.

Apparently, I posted this gem on Facebook ten years ago:

Momma always said life is like a box of Kafka’s.

Now more than ever, ainna?

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Time To Resuscitate An Urban Legend As Journalism

It looks like all the news stories about Wuhan Flu Parties are a year old.

It’s time to resuscitate them as real news, but with an anti-vaxxer twist.

Homeschoolers Hold COVID Parties to Avoid Vaccines

Anti-vaccination religious homeschooling parents have begun holding COVID parties to infect their children so the poor abused cishet spawn can develop immunity without the benefit of a vaccine provided by President Joe Biden.

“I want my eight children to develop immunity the way Geezus intended,” said Rebecca Leah Christiansen, hostess at one such party in rural Arkansas.

C’mon, twenty-three-year-old Journalists. I’ve given you a head start!

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I Shall Also Spread The Misinformation

You know this is a joke. I know this is a joke. The Internet knows this is a joke.

You know who doesn’t know this is a joke?

The algorithms.

And those who have been programmed to believe that jokes are not jokes when you can use them against the person making the joke.

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We’re The Internet; We Know The Real Reason

Jennifer Aniston shares the meaning behind her ‘11 11’ wrist tattoo

I’ll be honest: I didn’t glean the “reason” from the article. Her birthday and the year her dog died?

C’mon, man. We’re the Internet. We know the real reason. If you draw a little line connecting the first and the second 1, and then the third and the fourth one, you know what you have? That’s right, two Hs. And what does that mean? You know what it means. Heil, Hitler! (I am not up on my German; what does ‘Heil’ actually mean? Should there be a comma between them or not?)

Oh, her friend has a matching tattoo, hey? Well, 1+1+1+1 plus 1+1+1+1 = 8. What’s the eighth letter of the alphabet? Aw, yeah, H. Times 2 friends. Don’t you see?

And the common stereotype is that people with English degrees are not good at math, but look how I solved this word problem!

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