I forgot what exactly made me leap out of my bathtub and shout “Eureka!”, but I surely have discovered a scientific principle. Perhaps it’s all the Einstein and physics stuff that I have been reading but not really comprehending. But, my friends, I have come up with a scientifically proven system of awesomeness ranking.
It’s like the Mohs scale, but of cool. You know how on the Mohs scale of mineral hardness, every item a step higher can scratch a mineral not as hard, but not vice versa? A diamond can scratch quartz which can scratch talc, but talc can’t even scratch an itch? Well, things on the scale of awesome can make things below them more awesome, but the lesser things do not improve upon higher things in the scale.
Let me illustrate by going on the scale from things that are less awesome to more awesome:
Cool and all, but you know what makes them better?
Goat yoga is definitely cooler than plain yoga. While some people might try to convince you otherwise through appeals to emotion, goats do not make everything better, as we will see.
There might be a cultural bias in play here as I’m from Wisconsin, but cheese is more awesome than goats. Cheese on goat meat make it better–cheese makes all food better–but goats in my cheese? Not an improvement.
2. The Ford Mustang.
A Mustang makes a weak man strong and a strong man invincible, or so the old slogan goes. Well, the one on the wall of Mustang Sally’s, a short-lived bar in the Central West End that I frequented, and by “frequented,” I mean “went to once,” when I owned a 1984 Ford Mustang GT. With a 5 Liter, V8 engine and five speed transmission. Ay, what a car for a young man to drive for about five months. Now, a driving a Mustang to the store for cheese? Awesome. Cheese on the Mustang? Are you kidding? Mustangs among goats? Awesome! A goat in a Mustang? Trouble, and not awesome at all, unless it is a modern Esmerelda and her goat, but that’s more a function of the awesome of Esmerelda than the goat. Fun fact: When I met my beautiful wife, a modern Esmerelda surely, I was driving the Mustang. Was it the poetry or the Mustang that won her heart for me? Bet on the Mustang.
Metal music appears to be the strongest source of awesomeness on the planet. Listening to metal in a Mustang makes the Mustang better. Goats listening to metal probably provide better meat and milk (some experimentation still needed). To be sure, I’m not sure of anything that metal does not make better.
These are representative of the levels on the awesomeness scale, which is not completely heirarchical in nature. Some things are on the same level of awesomeness as other things, of course. For example, coffee is probably a 1 on the Noggle scale, as there is nothing that it cannot make better.
At any rate, here it is for scientific debate, and by “scientific debate,” I mean silly little conversations amongst friends. Or on the Internet if you don’t want to discuss it with your actual friends, who would think you daft for bringing this up.