Musings from Brian J. Noggle

One might posit that this sort of patriotic, heroic movie of the American Revolution could not be made in the 21st century or perhaps not during a Republican administration, but one might have an easier time defending the first thesis given the cinema’s profitable embrace of patriotism during the Reagan presidency. But one would have to go to more serious outlets of movie criticism were one inclined to tease out those arguments. Personally, I just muse on what I’ve seen, and those are two thoughts that came to mind. After 2000, we have the George W. Bush presidency, the attacks of 2001, and In the Valley of Elah and Lions for Lambs. I guess some more patriotic themed films have snuck into the theaters from time to time, but they’re not the standard fare. Not that I would know, I guess: Although I saw this film in the theaters in the pre-child days, I have only seen, what, two films in the theater in the last five years? So don’t mind the musings that follow. Just click More to see the actresses.

So: In this film, Mel Gibson plays a widower Carolina farmer who had served in the French and Indian War speaks out against a war against Britain but, as the revolution erupts, he’s drawn into the conflict when a particularly brutal British officer kills his son and fires his home. When he sees that American generals, trained in the British army, are trying to use British tactics to fight the country which perfected them, he builds a small militia force for guerrila tactics and harrasses the British, but not without a cost. Gibson does some incredibly action hero things, but main characters are definitely at risk, and many die before the war is over.

So a bit slower paced than more modern actioners (or even some actioners for the time) as it pauses every once and again for speeches about liberty and whatnot. A couple splashy gore effects, mostly from cannon fire. Good for rewatching every couple of decades, and perhaps a springboard to re-learning about the American Revolution–the expedition that Gibson’s character would have been part of took place about the same time that Benjamin Franklin, whom I “studied” a bit last year (see The Life and Times of Benjamin Franklin and The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin), served in the Pennsylvania militia during the French and Indian War. Does that mean I’m going to start a study of that era in 2025? Probably not, as the Nogglestead stacks are (relatively) light in material.

But, now to the More part.

Continue reading “Movie Report: The Patriot (2000)” →

So last year (he said in italics because it was only last week, but he runs a bit behind on blog posts and wanted to emphasize how behind he runs), I picked out this film on one of those “I want to watch something, but not something too weighty or important or, well, most of the things I’ve bought over the last 20 years” moments. Which differ from the “I want to watch this movie which I’m sure I own but cannot seem to find, so I doubt that I own it and think I’ve rented it or recorded it to the DVR back in the days when that was an option” moments which lead me to watching nothing at all. On Any Movie nights, I pick something out. Well, I do about half the time these days; the other half, I still think “Do I want to invest two and a half hours (counting wandering to the bathroom, to fold laundry, or whatnot breaks) in this film?” Well, kismet or something like it led me to this film a week ago. And the answer is (spoiler alert!), “Nah.”

So.

I bought this film in September 2023, so it’s not like it’s “First In, First Out,” although…. Yeah, with as many films as I watched in 2024, it kind of is. I bought it because it’s a Van Damme film, and I’ve watched one or two in my lifetime (Univeral Soldier, and…. okay, maybe one), and I was thinking about Steven Seagal films recently, and probably picked this film out (it’s not Under Siege or Under Siege 2: Dark Territory which I thought about after having watched Die Hard and Die Hard 2 this holiday season). Okay, yeah, so I hoped for an 80s action film or a 90s throwback, but no.

Van Damme plays a boxer from 1925 France (which explains his accent, badly) who is asked by Downton Abbey‘s Mr. Carson (with his French accent from Top Secret! intact)–well, he’s told to take a dive in the second round for a bunch of money. Mr. Carson, or the French gangster equivalent, has a moll who is Van Damme’s character’s former fiancéé (being this movie is set in Francé, thé éxtra apostrophés and accénts should bé éxpéctéd). But! Van Damme (forget the character dodge) does not take the dive! He knocks out the opponent, and he hopes to escape to America (frog, yeah!) with the girl. But! Pursued by the gangsters, he finds himself in the foreign legion’s recruiting office (staffed, of course, late at night). And he signs up to the foreign legion to escape.

So he ships off to North Africa, where he meets and gets on with, eventually, many different diverse types, from an American black man escaping from 1920s racism to bad Germans to Englishmen escaping their pasts and Italians trying to impress their girls families. UNFORTUNATELY! a photo from a newsman is seen in France by Dark Mr. Carson who sends killers to enlist in the Foreign Legion to find and kill Van Damme. AND! They catch up when Van Damme’s group is going to an outpost to defend it or be slaughtered by the Berbers or Barbers, whichever looks the least like Perry Como.

So! They march out there, get ambushed, have to trust each other, and all die except Van Damme whom the Berber leader says has “courage” and finis!

Wait, what?

Yeah, no, it ended abruptly. After the battle of Rorke’s Drift, uh, that cheap set, the credits roll. We don’t get any resolution of the triggering story, the boxer and the girl, but someone said she went to America (in the 1920s, not the 19th century, so not in colonial times, mate). No resolution with Deja Vu Dark Carson. Nothing past the speech that the West were occupiers in northern African (whose leaders kinda look Arabic) lands. Honestly, I thought the film was made a decade (or maybe but a half) later with a message that seemed anti-War on Terror. But I guess the message resonates among the “Western” entertainment industry past 1990 or so which thinks history starts somewhere in the (late?) 20th century and ignores all the part before we became the baddies according to popular culture.

So. Not a good film. Ech.

On the other hand, I have it on DVD, so I can watch it whenever I want. Which is ultimately less than once now that I have seen it.

Ah, gentle reader, I just watched the first two Crocodile Dundee movies, wherein just is somewhere between 2015 when I bought the first at a garage sale and when I started dilligently writing movie reports (2021 or so?) and now. Or maybe I only watched the first; when I picked this from the library, I thought it was the second of the Crocodile Dundee films, so either I didn’t watch the second five or eight years ago, or I kind of blended the plots. Because, c’mon, man, the plots are secondary: They’re movies about an outback Australian in the big city.

In this case, Sue Charlton (Linda Kozlowski) has been living with Mick Dundee and their son Mikey in Walkabout Creek, Australia, but her father has a proposition for her: To run the Los Angeles paper, where the previous editor, an investigative reporter, died pursuing a story. So she brings Mick and Mikey along, and they live in Beverly Hills whilst she tries to discover the secret behind a movie studio that loses money but keeps making sequels to its flops which are partially filmed in Eastern Europe. Mick, in between his fish-out-of-water antics, gets a job on the set of the movie studio and works undercover. Suddenly, Mick is discovered, leading to his being hunted on movie studio back lots, and finis!

So, yeah, a film that really probably only got made because Paul Hogan wanted it and maybe because it came with some Australian government money. Much of the material seems recycled from the earlier films or otherwise tired and maybe a little fish-out-of-date. It did make me think about watching the first movie again, though, which rather captured a bit of lightning in a bottle, but it was the 1980s, man.

The film profferred Kaitlin Hopkins as Mikey’s school teacher.

Continue reading “Movie Report: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001)” →

You know, a couple of years ago, I reported on a rewatch (mostly) of all the Conan movies, but apparently this one escaped my notice. Although the main character is Robert E. Howard’s Kull the Conqueror, the IMDB entry indicates this was to be the third Arnold Schwarzenneggar Conan film, but he turned it down–so the De Laurentiis family got Kevin Sorbo, who was doing the Hercules television series at the time, and changed it to Kull so he would not have to play a continuation of the character. It blends elements from several Howard properties, but I’m not going to tease them out for you. Instead, you can read up about it on IMDB or Wikipedia.

Kull tries to join the army of Valusia, but he’s showed up a bit and is called a barbarian by the general who notes the army is all noble blood. He (Kull) somehow gets into the palace when the king is slaughtering kinsfolk who he says are conspiring to take his throne. Kull tries to stop him from slaying others, and in the ensuing fight, Kull kills the king, which should make him king, but the king’s kin don’t think that’s right. But the dying king bequeaths his crown to Kull, who starts to throw off the slaves shackles and bring a more modern barbarian sensibility to Valusia until he is corrected by the crown’s eunuch (played by the head of Rekall from Total Recall). Kull is smitten by a fortune telling slave (played by Karina Lombard), but the scheming kin of the previous king raise an ancient goddess (played by Tia Carrere) who seduces Kull but fakes his death so she can assume the crown. Kull, the fortune-telling slave, and a priest of an another god escape to find the quest object which can stop the goddess.

It blends a lot of Conan history and elements from the Hour of the Dragon but with a prettier antagonist. A scene takes place aboard ships, hearkening back to the hero’s days as a pirate and so on. It also has a sense of humor about the film genre’s conventions where the original Conan movies were more earnest–but by the 1990s, that sly humor was worked into entertainment. At one point, Carrere’s character says, “I’ve altered our pact. Pray I do not alter it further.” which is clearly a hollaback to The Empire Strikes Back.

So it did not do well at the box office–it’s more of a direct-to-video or direct-to-cable quality–and it’s a little slow, but 80s action films (which this really is despite its release date) were slower, too, so I guess that’s not much of a wash. Also, I found the fight scenes a little underwhelming–Kull prefers an axe to a sword–but in close quarters against lightly armored opponents, it’s likely to be a little more pokey than slashy. But I’ve never actually fought a real sword fight and the only time I’ve worked with weighted weapons, I’ve gotten my hands whacked a bunch. So who knows.

I enjoyed it, but it might not be for everyone.

The film also featured Karina Lombard as the card-reading slave.

Continue reading “Movie Report: Kull the Conqueror (1997)” →

In years past, I’ve not been able to enjoy this Christmas movie because we did not have a copy of it. Sometime last year or earlier this year, I stopped at Vintage Stock (whilst killing time, when buying gift cards for Christmas, or whilst spending a gift card received for Christmas), I picked up a copy. And my beautiful wife, my youngest son (who is 16 and a half at this point, so old enough for exploding gremlins), and I watched it over the weekend. It might represent only the second or third time I’ve seen it–which is not a lot considering I cheekily put it on the top five Christmas movies list (so maybe Night of the Comet will someday replace it).

At any rate, the plot: An inventor/tinkerer is trying to hawk his inventions and to buy a present for his son in a Chinatown when he comes to a hidden shop and discovers a small cutesy made-for-merchandising mogwai which the old man in the shop won’t sell him–but his grandson does, and who tells the man the three rules. C’mon, say them with me:

1. Keep them out of bright light; they hate it. And sunlight will kill him.
2. Don’t get them wet. Don’t give them a bath.
3. And no matter what, no matter how much they cry or beg, never, ever feed them after midnight.

Well, of course, that doesn’t happen. What does happen is that the son’s friend, played by a young Corey Feldman, spills water on Gizmo, the good mogwai; the water causes the mogwai to blister and spawn other mogwai; the other mogwai trick Billy, the son, into feeding them after midnight; and the mogwai go through a pupal stage to become gremlins, which then go on a rampage through town until Billy and his girlfriend-to-be save the day on Christmas.

I mean, there’s more to it than that–scenes of, frankly, shocking brutality and practical effects as gremlins are killed by a variety of kitchen gadgets and other ways. And the gremlins dispatch several sympathetic characters rather casually and has an unnecessary gruesome story featuring a basic misunderstanding of modern chimneys–this is a Steven Spielberg production, but it smacks of a different Stephen. My mother-in-law took her twelve-year-old daughter to see this film in the theaters, and that’s how she learned Santa wasn’t real.

Still, a family tradition of sorts might begin here, although the number of years I have with offspring at home is dwindling and the number of years I have until I can watch it with grandchildren should be at least fifteen years if not more. So maybe it will be me just watching it every couple of years.

Even if it does feature Phoebe Cates as Billy’s girl.

Continue reading “Movie Report: Gremlins (1984)” →

It’s not a Christmas movie, but I picked this movie up when I wanted to watch a movie instead of watch a particular movie (such as The Bishop’s Wife). When I want to watch a particular movie, I often fruitlessly search the media library for it and think I must have recorded it on a DVR or rented it from the video store (relatively recently). This happened recently with Dazed and Confused which my oldest wanted to watch; I hunted for it and could not find it, so we didn’t watch it, but I see one of the boys has found it because it’s now atop the cabinets instead of shuffled somewhere therein. I’ve done that a couple of times recently, such as getting in my head I wanted to watch No Country for Old Men which will remain hidden amongst the DVDs until I want to watch something else.

So I wanted to watch something after nine o’clock one night last week (my contract included evening meetings ending a little after 8pm, and I’ve been a little too wound up to go to bed at normal time). So I plucked this film from the box atop the cabinets, where it has languished for over a year along with other titles I bought at that particular Friends of the Library book sale.

The film opens with Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn as parents sending their last child overseas, leaving them empty nesters. Martin’s character has a job interview in New York, and he invites his wife along, but she declines. However, she shows up on the plane, and hijinks ensue. Their plane is diverted to Boston, their luggage is delayed (with no connecting flight or announced load out?), they miss the train, they rent a car and get lost coming into New York leading to a hijinkal crash on the docks, they’re mugged walking to their hotel and lose everything, they crash a sex addicts support group leading to the revelation that Steve Martin’s character has lost is job and needs the job for which he’s interviewing, and…. Well, other set pieces ensue, including Steve Martin’s character dosing on acid whilst in jail (how did the fellow prisoner get into jail with acid on his person?) which gives Steve Martin the ability to Steve Martin for a couple of scenes, and, well….

You know, the film stars Steve Martin and is “Based on a screenplay by Neil Simon,” which would sound good, but the actual screenplay for this film was by another guy. This is a remake of an earlier film from the 1970s, and much like my viewing of The Heartbreak Kid remake last year, the film underwhelmed and disappointed me and made me want to see the original to see if it had more point (1970s zeitgeist notwithstanding–but as a child of the 70s, I can appreciate it). This film was updated to include the acid trip, among other things, with the principals staying in New York whereas in the original, they turned down the opportunity to stay and returned to Ohio. Perhaps that was one of the stipulations of getting New York money or getting Rudy Giuliani to portray himself in the film. But the comparison between the then version and the now (also now a then version since this film is 25 years old–the portrayal of New York probably changed a lot between 1970 and 1999).

Also, I haven’t bothered with the character names because, c’mon, man, they’re fairly stock Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn characters. So you already know what you’re going to get.

At any rate, this film has mostly been forgotten, and it’s pretty forgettable. And, to be honest, I thought Date Night with Steve Carell and Tina Fey was a remake of this movie or its original as they’re similar plot-wise, but I guess not (and Date Night is atop or in the to-watch cabinet, so you’ll hear about it sometime in the future). Perhaps I thought it (Date Night) was a remake of this film because when I thought of Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn in a movie, I probably thought 1985 or 1989 instead of as late as 1999.

And although I said Goldie Hawn, no pictures for you, gentle reader. She falls into that uncanny valley of “Pretty, but she looks a lot like my mom’s sister” which makes one feel squicky in admiring too closely.

Last year, after watching Meet Me In St. Louis, I asked:

Now, do I dig out The Bishop’s Wife or go right into the action-oriented Christmas movies?

Clearly, I did not watch the film last year, gentle reader, or I would have let you know about it. And although I am pretty sure I set my DVD copy of the film atop the cabinets for easy access at the time (or maybe during the Christmas season in 2022), I could not find the physical copy the evening I wanted to watch it. I was pleased to find it was available on Amazon Prime. But with limited commercial interruptions. So, to recap: We’re paying a hundred and increasing number of dollars annually for “when we get to it” shipping (free to anyone on orders over $25) plus streaming now with commercials to watch a couple of football games and a couple of movies a year? Ah, Amazon Prime, you are definitely falling to about even on the worth it scale. And trending to not with the next rate increase or additional uninterrupted after this interruption.

At any rate: In this film, a bishop (David Niven), presumably Anglican since he preached at St. Timothy’s but is married, is hoping to build a grand cathedral, but he is at the mercy of wealthy donors who have their own ideas including putting a widow’s dead husband’s name on everything. He prays for help, and it arrives in the form of Dudley, an angel played by Cary Grant, who acts as the bishop’s assistant, but more importantly, focuses on the bishop’s wife (Loretta Young). Dudley helps the wife and daughter find joy in Christmas again and charms everyone he meets, including the wealthy widow whom Dudley convinces to give her money to more worthy charities instead of building the cathedral–thwarting the bishop’s plans, but returning him to a happier place in his life as a preacher at the aforementioned St. Timothy’s. And then Dudley leaves, and nobody remembers him, taking his example and works as their own inspiration.

I dispute a common take on one of the last scenes in the film, though. Wikipedia says:

As the climax to the movie approaches, Dudley hints to Julia his desire to stay with her and not move on to his next assignment. Although Julia doesn’t fully understand what he’s talking about, she senses what he means, and tells him it is time for him to leave.

He doesn’t hint–he comes on pretty strong. But I don’t think this was Dudley actually making a move on the bishop’s wife. Instead, I think he was trying to get her to realize she loves her husband and to excise any feelings she might have developed for Dudley or confusion before he left, and perhaps she had to send him away–that he was an answer to her prayer and not the answer to her husband’s prayer. I suppose I could watch it over and over again and pore over the screenplay and whatever production notes or materials I could find to make this case, but I’m not a serious student of film. So you get this paragraph, gentle reader.

So it’s a classic, and it’s a Cary Grant film, and it’s been too long since I rewatched it.

Especially as it contains Loretta Young as the titular bishop’s wife.

Continue reading “Movie Report: The Bishop’s Wife (1947)” →