Author: Brian J. Noggle

Because one’s inalienable rights fluctuate daily here in America, I thought I’d provide a quick cheatsheet of what is or is not allowed today, May 25, 2007. Please, go by the cheatsheet and do not try to reason out what the authorities will let you do from day to day nor try to apply common sense, as these two mechanisms will lead you astray.

• Your dog pooping on the lawn: CRIME.
  If your dog evacuates itself outdoors, as animals are known to do, you could be cited and given a ticket for it. In some areas, you can go to jail for not having a pooper scooper when you walk your dog.

• Leaving dog poop on a political opponent’s doorstep: LEGAL.

  Seriously. So dog poop is a bad thing, a health or aesthetic hazard when a dog leaves it behind as a matter of its lifecycle, but it’s not art. Or political metaphor. That, my friends, trumps health or ethical concerns regarding feces and urine.

• Flyers with, you know, words on them: CRIME.
  A felony, no less. Sure, the circumstances of the case are off-putting; it was a vendetta, and it expressed a moral sentiment that our revered betters in the government don’t often believe, but the girl is probably going to get jail time for pamphleteering.

Perhaps if you’re walking your dog, you will not be in trouble if you bring political flyers for it to poop on, or perhaps you’re protected from sensationalist hate speech prosecutions if you poop on your pamphlets before passing them around. Regardless, proper poop application seems to be the determining factor here.

Poop is protected speech, but words are not, except in those cases where poop is not protected speech. Ladies and gentlemen, the first amendment of your constitution as it stands today, May 25, 2007.

(One link seen on Instapundit.)

If you’re hoping to buy the latest Slayer CD this morning, forget it; it’s going to be sold out before today is done, as will a lot of Jack Daniels and black candles:

For the second time in a week and the sixth time in the past seven months, triple digits have been drawn in Pick 3. The numbers 6 – 6 – 6 were drawn in the May 22 evening Pick 3 drawing. This is the second time this combination has been drawn in the past two months. The triple 6 combination was drawn in the March 22 midday drawing.

Jeez, it’s bad enough that I have to worry about fools and the corrupt in the world. I’d rather those with demonic powers not revel in their power so obviously.

Well, that’s a relief, almost:

A big rig whose trailer was stolen was actually hauling 28 pallets of commercial “shop vac” style vacuum cleaners and not five tons of fertilizer as authorities had announced, police said Monday.

Until one begins to wonder how many shipments of bad things haven’t bothered the authorities because they only thought the criminals had gotten shop vacs.

Now that there’s a name for the honeybees’ disappearance:

It’s called colony collapse disorder.

The surviving honeybee population needs professional, certified help to allow it to feel its pain and to move on.

(Link seen via Instapundit, an academic blogging in Tennessee. Since he sent some traffic my way this weekend, I thought I’d return the favor.)

Let’s see here:

• A talk show host known for being acerbic and insulting says something stupid and insulting about a basketball team: fired.
• A talk show host and former political “leader” says he thinks a rival talk show host killed his mother, who died in an accidental fire: Suspended, replaced by his son, a current political “leader” under several clouds.
• A talk show host makes a humor bit about a crime in the community where the humor relies on mocking a local paper columnist: Fired, although the radio station was planning to replace her soon with syndicated material anyway.

In all of these cases, the target of the radio talk show host’s ire was of a different race. In one, the radio talk show host was suspended. Because of White Privilege!, he must have been treated differently.

They told us all along that reelection of George W. Bush would result in the further encroachment of fascism on the American public. Here’s a new proposal in Baltimore to give the mayor the power to set up checkpoints and block off whole sectors of the city for, well:

A city council leader, alarmed by Baltimore’s rising homicide rate, wants to give the mayor the power to put troubled neighborhoods under virtual lockdown.

“Desperate measures are needed when we’re in desperate situations,” City Council Vice President Robert W. Curran told The (Baltimore) Sun. He said he would introduce the legislation next week.

Under Curran’s plan, the mayor could declare “public safety act zones,” which would allow police to close liquor stores and bars, limit the number of people on city sidewalks, and halt traffic during two-week intervals.

Police would be encouraged to aggressively stop and frisk individuals in those zones to search for weapons and drugs.

You know, something’s missing in that story. All the stories on the wire just lack a certain detail whose omission is glaring. What is it? I can’t quite put my finger on it. Oh, wait.

“Desperate measures are needed when we’re in desperate situations,” City Council Vice President Robert W. Curran (D, District 003) told The (Baltimore) Sun. He said he would introduce the legislation next week. [Emphasis added, as well as a big blinking D]

I guess we know why some Democrats want the US troops out of Iraq: so they can set up checkpoints, conduct raids, and do their pacification in the United States.

Fortunately, another city councilman takes a bold stand for civil liberties:

Councilman Keiffer J. Mitchell Jr., a mayoral hopeful, said Curran’s idea was an interesting concept but it raised questions about civil liberties.

“We have to make sure we’re not declaring martial law,” he said.[Emphasis added]

An interesting concept? Forget it, we’re done.

And you know, I made a big deal about Curran’s party affiliation, but it’s not so much democratic party as it is the new Aristocratic party:

With strong family ties to politics (his brother is Attorney General J. Joseph Curran Jr., and his niece Catherine Curran O’Malley is the mayor’s wife and a District Court judge in Baltimore City), Curran was one of 10 council members to hire relatives for staff positions. Curran reportedly put a niece on the City Council staff payroll. Hiring a niece was legal, though the council found itself in ethical hot water because of it.

Like the Gores, Blunts, Carnahans, Bushes, et al., our country sure looks to be heading toward a rule by self-selected families instead of citizens, is it not?

Gorilla Injures 4 in Zoo in Brief Escape:

A 400-pound gorilla escaped from his enclosure and ran amok in a Rotterdam zoo Friday, biting one woman, dragging her around, and causing panic among dozens of visitors before he was finally subdued, officials and a witness said.

After all, he’s only fighting for a just cause: he wants to be recognized as a man.