Category: Humor

September 19, 2014:

Q: Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

A: He’s 0K now.

On this date in 2010, I posted:

Brian J. Noggle wonders if nudists have nightmares where they have to speak in public and they’ve got their clothes on.

It got three likes, none of which was the vaunted Charles G. Hill.

From September 11, 2014:

Today, I accidentally invented a new egg dish that is halfway between the omelet and scrambled eggs.

I call it the omerta. But I’d rather not talk about it.

Kind of fits in with my recent viewing of The Godfathers.

Apparently, I have said some funny things on Facebook on this date in history.

2010:

Brian J. Noggle is preparing for a time when the road runners become our overlords. You know, when the meep, meep shall inherit the Earth.

2012:

Brian J. Noggle agrees that good fences make good neighbors. They’ve always got jewelry and the latest electronics at prices far lower than retail.

From 2011:

Brian J. Noggle is in his laboratory, working on a vending machine that plays music and offers tasty Greek sandwiches for purchase.
It will be a Juke. Box. Gyro.

Two years ago, I said:

Oh, no. In the silent auction, I wrote my phone number in the wrong column.

Now I owe almost nine million dollars for a peach pie and some chocolate cookies.

I was referring to the Republic Pregnancy Resource Center’s annual Bluegrass and Barbecue silent auctions (where I have shopped before).

It’s coming up this Friday, so I will have to shop very carefully.

And so it will at least through one calendar year.

Apparently, twelve years ago, I quipped:

Brian J. Noggle is actually a cygnic; he thinks that, deep down, all people are swans.

From 2015:

I have been telling the kids in my [martial arts] sword class that “uff da” is Viking for “Cut off his head!”

If they ever go to Minnesota, they’re going to think it’s the most dangerous place in America.

Also on this day in 2011, one of my best:

Brian J. Noggle keeps trying to create a splinter group of Pan’s followers, but he can’t get no satyrs’ faction.

You have to be 40 years old to be educated enough to get that joke.

From 2012:

Brian J. Noggle has given his garden implements names like fantasy swords.

For example, his weed trimmer is Spoliator Viridis.

2012? That was, what, three weed trimmers ago? One cannot think of that many exciting names.

Five years ago:

I want to die while napping.

Because I want to go out in a laze of glory.

True five years ago and every day since.

Well, maybe not my biggest hits, but June 2 has historically proven to be particularly good on my Facebook feed. Here are a couple of items from years (decades) past:

2014:

I’m starting a band called Meowy Vanilli, and we’re going to do nothing but meow covers of Milli Vanilli songs.
We’re going to be HUGE in Japan.

2011:

Brian J. Noggle doesn’t think he can actually explain what he meant when he told his three-year-old, “You’re such a cutie, you deserve a death cab.”

Brian J. Noggle complains, “Life has given me lemonade. What am I supposed to do with that?”

Well, maybe only two years in the past.

Over a decade ago, I said:

Brian J. Noggle insists earnestly that his child’s first doctor visit involved him getting examined by a vet.

And I explained in a comment:

Lt. Cdr Terrill USN, ret., had just gotten her first job outside the service. Being former Navy, she was used to treating babies, though.

Aforementioned baby is now, what, almost fifteen and in the JROTC. Not the Navy, though, since we don’t really have that much water around here, even in the wet springs.

A gag from, what, a decade ago on Facebook?

Brian J. Noggle thinks it’s a good thing that zaftig doesn’t rhyme with anything; otherwise, there would be a lot more sonneteers walking around with black eyes.

You know, I haven’t written a sonnet in a longer time than that.

Apparently, I said this a dozen years ago on Facebook:

Brian J. Noggle is so unsophisticated, he thinks cognac is a really big bear.

You know, I used to make pretty good quips, I think. Now, I’m relegated to Dad jokes.

What, you expected the picture of Shaft again?

Allow me to footnote this:

* MU-TH-UR is the name of the computer on the Nostromo in Alien, which I read just in time to be able to make this gag.

Apparently, twelve years ago, I quipped on Facebook:

Brian J. Noggle recommends you avoid tugging on Batman’s cape as well. To be honest, he’s more piquish than Superman.

Note:

• In those days, what you put into Facebook appeared right next to your name, so I often phrased my posts as though my name was the subject in a sentence. It’s not that Brian J. often refers to himself in the first person. Although, I suppose, if you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know I do.
• Hmmm, twelve years ago, I used peckish instead of piquish. I have corrected it here in the Revised Second Edition of this quip.

Also, I need to footnote this humor.

*

You damn kids.

Another quip I made, recycled from aeons ago on Facebook:

Brian J. Noggle is so vain, he thinks this song is about him and is sending him coded messages from The Messiah Team detailing the secret conspiracy of grocery store bread vendors against him. So maybe “vain” isn’t the operative word.

I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.

I am trying to raise my boys to be men, which means I like to pass on important life lessons to them.

For example, I am teaching my children young men:

• It is impossible to look tough while drinking through a straw. Humphrey Bogart would himself looked silly with a duck face as he tried to get the last of a frappé out of a plastic cup. When a drink comes with a straw, take it out and drink it like a man.
• Beans can be any meal. I know, I know; when I was a kid, I did not have a taste for beans, but now that I am a man, I find that you can have beans for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. And you can mix in other leftovers with beans to stretch them out. I attribute this, of course, to I read The Grapes of Wrath.
• Never, ever appear before your woman wearing nothing but socks. Especially black socks. Okay, they’re still a little young for this particular lesson, but it’s an important one.

Just a few little things, but they make adult life easier and better.