Author: Brian J. Noggle

Book Report: From the Corner of His Eye by Dean Koontz (2000)

Brian J. Noggle

I cannot believe I read the whole thing.

This book clocks in at almost 600 pages, overwritten the whole time as though Dean Koontz single handedly has to support a struggling simile factory in southern Georgia. He layers his similes like an onion; even when you peel away all the layers of the metaphor, it’s still an onion. To Stephen King’s Shakespeare, Dean Koontz is not even Ben Jonson; he’s that other guy they don’t even offer survey courses for.

Let’s see here, there’s a plot: a guy murders his wife for no reason (no, it’s because he’s a psychopath trying to broaden himself by killing the woman he loves); he becomes obsessed with the name Bartholemew. Also, he raped this one underage girl, who has a baby girl. A woman who’s pregnant has an auto accident on the way to the hospital that kills her husband; his last request is that she name the boy Bartholemew. The underage girl dies giving birth, so an aunt raises the girl. The children are prodigies who can also go other places. The boy goes blind. A cop chasing the psychopath gets left for dead by said psychopath instigates psychological warfare against the psycho. And the psycho kills people.

Meanwhile, Koontz dedicates many pages to similes, many paragraphs to minor characters with only roles as extras, and we navigate through several plot lines ultimately related but whose relationships are not too compelling. Then, after 500 pages, we get a three page sudden climax, and then we can roll over and go to sleep for the 40 page denouement that is supposed to tell the rest of the story about the kids and their powers. But come on. I could have almost read Anna Karenina by the time I was done with this book.

I liked Odd Thomas well enough, tolerated Mr. Murder passingly, and just read Forever Odd. However, this book really has me dreading reading any of the other Koontz volumes on my shelves, and that’s not a good kind of dread for a horror/thriller writer. It spills over to the unread John Saul books who are painted by being too close to the Koontz books.

Don’t bother with this book. Let me be a lesson to you.

Books mentioned in this review:


 

 

 

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Also, Your Dogs Must Now Be Trained To Sniff Explosives

Brian J. Noggle

Everything you own, citizen, is at the government’s leisure and at its disposal. Or some government officials think:

American cell phones can already check e-mail, surf the Internet and store music, but they could have a new set of features in coming years: the Department of Homeland Security wants them to sense biological, chemical and radioactive material.

Putting hazardous material sensors in commercial cell phones has been discussed in scientific circles for years, according to researchers in the field. More recently, the idea gained support among government agencies, and DHS said publicly in May that it wants businesses to start coming up with proposals.

No doubt the wireless carriers are all behind this proposal because they’ll have an excuse to make everyone upgrade to new, more expensive phones and to charge all customers new monthly fees to support the mandatory program.

Not to worry:

Like the built-in GPS function many cell phones now offer, customers would have the option of turning the sensors off, McGinnis said.

Got that, citizen? For marketing e-mail, you have to expressly opt-in, but for intrusive government surveillance programs, you have to expressly opt-out, with that opt-out no doubt going to a database of people who suspiciously opted out.

I have no problem if this becomes a netcentric program like SETI At Home, but the government and its cronies in corporations don’t play like that. Because the government knows what’s best for you!

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Don’t Forget To Cut the State-Funded Violins Announcing Each Program Cut

Brian J. Noggle

The San Francisco Chronicle laments the death of a wasteful tax-funded project:

For just 10 cents a day per child, California public school kids are getting to eat fresh apples, oranges and strawberries along with their Pop-Tarts and doughnuts at school breakfast.

At least, that’s been true for the last two years under the pilot Fresh Start program, designed to steer kids away from obesity and diabetes and toward healthy foods.

But Fresh Start is in jeopardy just as preliminary reports are showing its initial success. In an effort to cover a $366 million funding gap in the education part of the state budget, the Legislature recently cut the $11.1 million that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed to keep Fresh Start going in the next school year and make it permanent.

The cut incensed child nutrition specialists and advocates.

California has accidentally done the fiscally responsible thing and eliminated a goofball project that steps outside the bounds of the government’s responsibilities. Notably, those who received the largesse are upset.

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Things I Can Do That My Father Cannot

Brian J. Noggle

Blogs are getting a lot of pixel inches out of an essay entitled I Can’t Do One-Quarter of the Things My Father Can, which plays into an Instapundit narrative about the loss of traditional male skills. In my defense, I’d like to point out that I know how to do a number of things that my father can’t do. These include:

  • Order a Starbucks drink just the way I want it.
    Face it, it’s only a triple venti cap, but I not only know the sizes of the cups, but I know the order in which the barristas call it. My generation knows how to express its drink preferences in ways the Greatest Generation or Baby Boomers can only dream of, which is probably why they mostly still drink coffee.
  • Hook up any game console to any television or entertainment center.
    What, you don’t have the cables? Brother, I have all sorts of cables and transformers so I can still hook that old Nintendo Entertainment System to your Yamaha receiver.

  • Operate video game controllers.
    Let’s face it, when confronted with keys marked with triangles, squares, and Xs, my father would totally be lost.

  • Time shift my television viewing.
    I’m no longer bound to watching Lost on Wednesday nights, which means I can watch something else, probably something I had to record because I was watching a recorded episode of Lost.
  • Insightfully quote culturally meaningful films.
    Because a proper quip from Office Space or catchphrase from Napoleon Dynamite identifies the user as intelligent and witty enough to use canned touchstones instead of uttering original thoughts or keeping my mouth shut and sounding smarter.

  • Blithely ignore the implications of my dependence.
    Mommy State and Daddy Professionals are only a phone call away if I’m not afraid of ceding my rights to free thought and using all of my revolving credit on lifestyle maintenance.

So there you go. Maybe I do lack some basic skills required at the root level for survival, but I have mad skillz to mindlessly enjoy the fruits of an increasingly fragile modern civilization.

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Fighting Words Threshold Lowered

Brian J. Noggle

China says U.S. warning on toothpaste irresponsible:

China has branded a U.S. warning against using its toothpaste as irresponsible, saying low levels of diethylene glycol (DEG) were not harmful.

“So far we have not received any report of death resulting from using the toothpaste. The U.S. handling (of this case) is neither scientific nor responsible,” China’s General Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine said in a statement posted on its Web site over the weekend.

This from a government who thinks bumping an electronics surveillance plane is responsible piloting.

In some quantum universe, this is one of the beginning shots in a war between China and the United States. When its exports collapse because the Chinese Administration of Quality Supervision (motto: Good Enough For Government Work Is Good Enough For Everything) doesn’t actually stop the country from exporting poisonous substances as consumables and customers die, China’s economy collapses. To save face amongst its preening ruling elite, the country makes its desperate gamble for Taiwan and thar she blows.

Part of my gift as a writer and a paranoia shidoshi is the joy of extrapolating the worst possible scenario from a bad press release.

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Fun With No Parking Signs (I)

Brian J. Noggle

Here’s a little personality test for you:

No Parking personality test

If you look at that and think, “Wow, couldn’t they have said that with a single no parking any time sign?”, you obviously are one of those people who see the world in black and white, in parking and no parking. You cannot wrap your mind around the shades of grey, the layers of nuance between No Parking Any Time and No Parking Here To Corner.

But then again, not everyone can go to college and get a ::sniff:: humanities degree.

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MfBJN’s Water Conserving Tips

Brian J. Noggle

Instapundit linked to a list of Top 10 Great Ways to Save Water. This list was useless to me for the most part because it was geared to water wastrels in the first place. Criminey, here’s the list:

  • Apply no more than 1 in. of water per week to your lawn in two applications.
    For Pete’s sake, if I water the lawn, I will have to mow the lawn. If Mother Nature wants me to have a pristine lawn, it will rain nicely to support it, and Mother Nature will make sure that the poison ivy that invades the yet-unnamed Noggle homestead in Old Trees needs the disappearing honeybees for pollination.
  • Use a sprinkler timer to avoid over watering.
    I have never owned a sprinkler in my life.

  • Use drip irrigation hoses in flower beds, covered by a thick layer of mulch.
    Great Caesar’s ghost! How does one get a thick layer of mulch to adhere to drip irrigation hoses in the first place?

  • Replace deteriorated flapper valves in toilets.
    I could do this because I actually have toilets, but I also have a poorly-constructed drain system in my house that could use an extra goosing from some additional clean water flow from time to time. Also, I’m lazy and don’t want to get into it.

  • Use a solar cover on the swimming pool when it’s not in use.
    A swimming pool? Lords of London, I don’t have a swimming pool. Who does in these days where you’re liable not only for drowning, but for the cases of West Nile disease that could have been borne by mosquitos bred in your pool?

  • Repair dripping faucets.
    Always a good plan, but my relatively new faucets don’t drip.

  • When possible, relocate indoor potted plants outside on a deck if a gentle rain is expected.
    A deck? Brother, I moved to a neighborhood that has traffic and have put a front porch swing on my home to ensure I wouldn’t become one of those deck-dwelling creatures segregated to their own family units in the suburban zoo, so I don’t have a deck, thank you very much, and I am not going to construct one because Gaia whispered it in your ear. Also, a number of semi-feral cats have taken residence here, and they look at indoor plants as a salad bar whose contents should be retched upon the rug. So we don’t have indoor plants, either. If we want to talk to flora, we engage the poison ivy in witty banter.

  • Cover vegetable gardens with a layer of straw mulch to reduce soil evaporation.
    A good idea. I’ll keep this in mind when President Bush encourages victory gardens. Until then, I’ll get my fresh produce the normal way: putting on a bunny costume and raiding the neighbor’s yard.

  • Replace shower heads with low-flow types.
    That’s easy advice for office-job types, but some people need the flow to get real grime off of themselves. Not that I’m speaking for myself here, but I’m too lazy to do that myself and too cheap to hire a plumber.

  • Conserve water while car washing.
    I don’t have a car, thankyouverymuch, I have a truck. Also, I don’t wash it, for crying out loud; the dirt is an extra buffer between me and that BMW whose driver is arguing on a cell phone with a soon-to-be ex-husband.

Holy cannoli, that’s a lot of advice for the hoity-toity types with swimming pools and landscaping and/or water features on their grounds.

You want to conserve water? Here’s the MfBJN list for you, short form:

  • Drink more beer.
    Sure, you’ll flush the toilet more, but you’re adding water to the local system. Yeah, far away someone wasted water brewing it, but that’s not your fault. You’re only trying to rectify the mistake.
  • Stop bathing.
    Personal hygiene uses a lot of water. Stop shaving and brushing, too.

  • Club a baby seal.
    Do you know how much those things drink? Also, the pelt makes a nice mulch for your vegetable garden or flower bed, preventing premature evaporation.

  • Creative car maintenance.
    To quote the ever wise Jed Eckhart: “Well, when you grow up… then you’ll know these things, Danny. Now get up here and piss in the radiator.”

Now that’s advice the rest of us can effectively ignore.

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But I Am Not Fully Adjusted To The Life-Altering Segway Human Transporter Yet

Brian J. Noggle

Reader’s Digest hyperbolically identifies 25 Products That Will Change Your Life.

The list includes:

  • The Oregon Scientific Wireless BBQ Thermometer, a thing you can stick into your meat while it’s on the barbecue that has a wireless pager you can wear on your belt that will let you know when the food is done.
  • The Anycom HCC-210 Bluetooth Car Kit, a quick and easy speakerphone kit for cars.
  • Tech-Ezz Wackerchaps, some sort of overshoes for lawnmowing chores.
  • The InnoDesk Thermo-Cut Tape Gun, a packing tape dispenser with some cutting edge cutting edge.

And twenty-one more such things which will alter the very fabric of our existence and cause city planners to redesign their New Urbanist projects.

Unfortunately, they’ve only changed my life by removing the couple minutes I spent skimming the article. At least I got a blog post out of it.

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Overheard In Old Trees Coffee Shop, Saturday Morning

Brian J. Noggle

This morning, while out taking the morning constitutional with my boy, we stopped at an Old Trees coffeeshop for a pastry and caffeinated beverage. In the sofas by the window, four of the eight Republicans in Old Trees had gathered, even though we know we should avoid grouping in one place because we’re easier targets.

Because let’s face it, Old Trees is not a Republican enclave. The upper six figure and lower seven figure houses often sprout INSTEAD OF WAR, INVEST IN PEOPLE and NOT IN OUR NAME signs more frequently than dandelions in the lawns and many cars still bear Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers or the resulting sour grapes quotes like “So Many Republicans / So Few Jail Cells.” But the group was out in force, speaking loudly and excitedly. A partial transcript follows:

Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson. Rudy Guiliani or Fred Thompson. Front runner in 30 days. Fred Thompson. Ronald Reagan. Fred Thompson.

As I predicted. A candidate Republicans can embrace without asterisks.

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Book Report: The Use and Abuse of Books by Leon Battista Alberti (1999)

Brian J. Noggle

Of course, this work was originally entitled De Commodis litterarum atque incommodis before Renée Neu Watkins translated it for us. I picked this book up over a year ago at the Carondolet YMCA Book Fair for fifty cents. Even though it’s only 54 pages, it has taken me this long to power through it.

Apparently (the introduction tells us), Alberti wrote this tract early in his Renaissance career as a scholar because his wealthy family was begging for him to produce something to justify his existence as a freeloading scholar. This is his defense of freeloading: in it, he outlines that someone dedicated to books should seek only the higher knowledge and truth within and should not expect to get chicks, money, power, or reknown. Let’s face it, a real scholar hits the books for 20 hours a day, 7 days a week, in ill-heated Renaissance apartments wearing rags–because all of the scholars meager moneys go into books.

The book reads as though it was written by any stereotypical scribe from a fantasy novel, but it was written by a young man romanticizing the hair shirt he’d chosen for his wardrobe and trying to lower his family’s expectations. The prose is flowery and meandering, even where the text continues to say that the author is glossing over many things and is getting back to the point.

Still, the rhetoric comes from a different time, where arguments are advanced by reason without the intrusion of actual data points (although Alberti offers anecdotes, often at hearsay distance, to illustrate) or invective (which is the contemporary practice).

The book did not give me any advice on how to wean myself from book abuse, and it was my 50th book completed this year. I obviously need help.

Books mentioned in this review:


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Man Wastes Valuable Fuel

Brian J. Noggle

Mo. Man Burns Books as Act of Protest:

Tom Wayne amassed thousands of books in a warehouse during the 10 years he has run his used book store, Prospero’s Books. His collection ranges from best sellers like Tom Clancy’s “The Hunt for Red October” and Tom Wolfe’s “Bonfire of the Vanities,” to obscure titles like a bound report from the Fourth Pan-American Conference held in Buenos Aires in 1910. But wanting to thin out his collection, he found he couldn’t even give away books to libraries or thrift shops, which said they were full. So on Sunday, Wayne began burning his books protest what he sees as society’s diminishing support for the printed word.

He certainly drew attention to his store, which probably boosted traffic, and that, ultimately, was his point. But Wayne is a foolish wastrel.

Not that I am paranoid, gentle reader, but I do have a plan B for my extensive library. Not only do the books have excellent insulation properties, but they are a handy fuel source for fires should civilization collapse.

It’s not that I expect civilization to collapse that abruptly, but should it do so, I’ve got the books.

You can probably guess what Plan B is for the cats.

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Thousands Protest Unequal Proportion Of Women

Brian J. Noggle

Oh, sorry, no; since it’s a bad thing for a particular woman, society should perhaps take extra steps to not do it: Texas woman on death row still represents rarity:

A neighbor in a suburban Austin neighborhood appeared to be the perfect babysitter for Eryn Baugh’s infant son and his 2-year-old sister.

“She’s the most sweet, endearing person in the world and put forward this good Christian front,” Baugh said of Cathy Lynn Henderson, who lived two blocks away. “She could sell snow to an Eskimo.”

But just weeks after Henderson started working for the Baughs, 3-month-old Brandon was dead and Henderson had fled the state. The infant’s body was found buried 60 miles away with his skull crushed, wrapped in his yellow-trimmed white blanket and stuffed into a box that previously held Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers.

Henderson, 50, is set to die in less than three weeks for the 1994 slaying that made her one of the most hated women in Texas. She would be just the 12th woman among the nearly 1,100 convicted killers executed since capital punishment resumed in the United States in 1977.

Where are the people who complain about the fact that most corporate structures at the top favor men? For consistency, shouldn’t the underrepresentation of women on death row also be protested?

Silly boy; those who protest in their hearts of hearts often misquote Emerson: A consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

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Bring Back "Finders Keepers"

Brian J. Noggle

Oh, no; a dispute over a sizeable sunken treasure find could derail the EU and cause Spain to send a vast armada–both of its remaining warships–up the Thames in an all-out war to break the backs of the English sea dogs: Deep sea treasure trove launches trans-Atlantic dispute:

Odyssey has insisted it found the wreck in international waters in the Atlantic but has kept the exact site secret, but Madrid suspects the ship was discovered in Spanish territorial waters and a Spanish newspaper reported the vessel itself belonged to Spain.

“What we’re seeing here is a presumed incidence of plundering,” First Deputy Prime Minister Maria Teresa Fernandez de la Vega said Friday.

Spain opened a probe into the exact location of the wreck last week after the culture ministry became suspicious of the circumstances in which the cargo, worth an estimated 400 million dollars, was found.

Yeah, Spain, who probably minted the coins from stolen Incan or Aztec gold, is on record accusing the American treasure hunting company of plundering. But that’s apparently how it goes in 2007; any possession that was previously owned by someone from another country belongs to the previous owner as long as it’s old.

Bonus additional snark: Iranian officials also claim that the Odyssey was in Iranian national waters and regrets missing the opportunity to seize it.

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