Defending Wal-Mart

In today’s St. Louis Post-Dispatch, David Nicklaus defends Wal-Mart. Good to see someone with a proper capitalist attitude writing on the business page.

Sample:

Wal-Mart may be a danger to competitors or even to retail clerks’ unions. But it’s hard to imagine the retailer damaging an entire state.

Yet that’s the claim of the National Trust for Historic Preservation, which last week listed Vermont among the nation’s 11 most endangered historic places. The threat, the National Trust’s news release said, is “an invasion of behemoth stores that could destroy much of what makes Vermont Vermont.”

Preservationists should stick to saving historic buildings and neighborhoods from the bulldozer and wrecking ball. When they try to keep one company out of an entire state, they’re really fomenting class warfare.

Not class warfare. They’re trying to foment a Marxist revolution.

Solving the Cruising Problem

The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reports on a new initiative to curb cruisers: advertisements on the back of city buses which are meant to be seen by people driving in cars. That’s the kind of innovative thinking that would put abstinence-education information on condom wrappers, which someone somewhere surely thinks the government is not funding enough.

But speaking of cruising, a resident intones:

The common notion of cruising is “totally inconsistent,” with what really occurs, he said.

McNeely said the cruising he sees goes far beyond high school kids heading up and down Highway 100 on a Saturday night.

“You have the loud, loud music going. People getting in and out of cars. People riding down the street hanging out of the sunroofs, hanging out the windows,” McNeely said.

And it’s often lewd, he said, with cruisers stopping to urinate in yards, and young women flashing their breasts from passing cars.

“It’s likely they’ll be topless as well as bottomless with a thong on,” McNeely said.

What, loud music, obnoxiousness, and chasing members of the opposite/preferred sex? What is McNeely’s idea of cruising, riding along in a calaboose?

Pah! I Got Nothin’!

When I read this post at protein wisdom, I wanted to break into song:

Looking out at the words rushing out of my keys
Looking back at the commas gone by like so many speakers’ fees
In ninety-one I was sophomore in English 101
I don’t know what my point is now, I’m just running on

Running on – running on sentence
Running on – running fine
Running on – running outta thoughts
But I’m writing more lines

Gotta fluff what can when you’re paid for each word
Trying not to cut your check by up to two thirds
By twenty-nine, I was pundit one and I called the Web my own
I don’t know when those clause ran into the clause I’m on

Running on – running on sentence
Running on – running fine
Running on – running outta thoughts
But I’m writing more lines

Everything I know, everything I type
People keep on reading my low tripe
I don’t know about anything but me
I can go all night, that’ll be all write
If I can get me a book deal before I leave

Looking out at the words rushing out of my keys
I don’t know how to tell you all just how badly this verb feels
I look around for editors I used to turn to shut me up
Looking into their cubes I see them running too

Running on – running on sentence
Running on – running fine
Running on – running outta thoughts
But I’m writing more lines

Buddy you really stet me
You know the way I wrote was fine
I’d love to stop it now but I’m writing more lines
You know I don’t even know what I’m hoping to find
running outta thoughts but I’m writing more lines

Peh. I got nothing. Apologies to Jackson Browne.

My New Money-Making Scheme

So I saw this sign along the side of the road, and I knew it was my ticket to wealth:

 
$25-$500 Fine
For Littering
 

I may have an English degree, but I know my math. $25 – $500 = -$475. Since that’s a fine of -$475, that must mean the government will have to pay me $475, or give me a tax credit or something, each time I litter!

I can’t wait to get started.

KMOX Contributes to National Security

Kudos to KMOX radio for an on the scene report of a possible sighting of a potential person of alleged Middle Eastern complection today. I think it was Kevin Killeen, reporting live from Illinois, who filed this report, transcribed from memory and appropriately snarked-up:

I’m reporting live from <highway> and <highway> where several acres’ of petroleum storage facilities sit unguarded behind a chain link fence. This morning, witnesses saw an SUV parked by the side of the road taking pictures. Inside the SUV, a dark-complected man with dark hair and a woman sped off at a suspiciously high rate of speed when approached. Authorities are investigating.

That’s it, fellows. You get the gist of the report there. Something suspicious was reported, but nothing is known yet, but we’re going to broadcast it live to prove we have a news team here comprised of three people and a van. Also, we’re going to identify in great detail the location and how soft the target is. Back to you, Carole.

:: snort ::