A Gentle Reminder

Remember, dear reader, the number 1 hit song from C+C Music Factory was not entitled “Everybody Dance Now” even though that’s what “Zelma Davis” shouted several times during the song, between Freedom Williams’ rapping. The correct title for this song is “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)“. Please remember to request it by its full name the next time you’re in a honky tonk.

Tidbit: The reason I enclosed Zelma’s name in scare quotes is because VH1.com asserts that she merely lip synched vocals performed by others. Talk about a thing that makes you go hmmmm.

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Reader Survey Response for Speakeasy Magazine

As some of you know, I fancy myself a “Writer” who dabbles in fiction but also keeps his or her, sorry, Proper Writer Ettiquette sneaking in, MY eyes on more literary fiction, just in case I write a short story in which no crimes occur, no swords are swung, and nobody disappears into a quantum universe. Market research, don’t cha know?

So anyways, I picked up a copy of Speakeasy, a writers’ musing kind of magazine which contains a bunch of personal essays typically grouped around a theme by professorial writers. I liked it well enough to subscribe, so now I get this magazine delivered every week. Of course, since I was once voted by the Marquette University English Deparment staff as the Most Likely Not To Return To the University (I think I was the only one in the program, and certainly I seem to hold that distinction), I’m not a typical subscriber.

In fact, I work for a living. Well, I write software documentation, and it’s true you can put an analogy on the SAT that says Work:Technical Writing::Play: and make the correct answer b.) Napping. I spend 40 hours a week, 49 weeks a year, turning the great Corporate Millstone. Oh, and I vote Republican. So I’m not exactly a typical Speakeasy subscriber.

So I was ever so pleased to read my May/June 2003 “Speak Out! Voicing Dissent: A Special Section On Writing and Politics” issue. Not only does it amuse me to read the prognostications and pre-emptive outrage for the coming war with Iraq that these sorts of magazines provide (read any Harper’s from the winter and spring for fun), but it included the Speakeasy Reader Survey.

I have such a blast shattering stereotypes of typical readership that I had to respond:

How do you get Speakeasy?

 X I subscribe
 _ At the newstand or bookstore
 _ Borrow from a friend
 _ At the dentist’s or doctor’s office
 _ I’m a Loft member
How do you read Speakeasy?

 _ From cover to cover
 _ I’ll finish reasing most of the issue before the next arrives
 X I might read a few articles that catch my eye
What do you do with your copy of Speakeasy?

 _ So far, I have been saving them
 _ I pass it on to ____ (this # of) friends
 X It goes out with the recycling
Are you…..

 _ A writer
 _ A reader
 X A writer who reads
 _ A reader who writes
If you consider yourself a writer, what do you like to write?

Genre fiction, essays, user’s guides
Where do you write (in a café, at home, in the garage…)?

In a home office
Has your work been published?

 X Yes

 _ No
As a reader or writer, what do you value most in Speakeasy? Why do you read Speakeasy?

I enjoy the brief, lightweight musings.
Which of the following actions has Speakeasy inspired?
[I assumed they meant in me]

 _ I bought a book reviewed or advertised in the magazine
 _ I developed a colossal case of writer’s block
 _ I read more by a consulting author
 _ I brought a Speakeasy theme into my writing or discussion
What types of books do you like to read (poetry, mysteries, fiction, cookbooks…)?

Mysteries, science fiction, fantasy, nonfiction
Where do you typically get your books?

 _ Library
 _ Borrow from friends
 X Purchase
Where do you purchase most of your books?

 _ Chain Bookstores

 _ Independent, local bookstores
 _ The Internet
 _ Catalogs
 X Garage Sales
How many books (of all types) did you buy last year?

 _ Less than 5 [sic]
 _ 5 to 9
 _ 10 to 14
 _ 15 to 19
 X 20 or more
What else do you like to shop for?

 _ Clothes – I’m a fashion maven

 _ Music – I love (circle):
          Rock and roll
          Other: _______________
 _ Furniture, housewares – my home is my castle
 _ Anything, but only on the Internet
 _ The parking lots? The crowds? I’d rather read
 _ Other __________________
Where do you buy most of your food?

 X Supermarket

 _ Farmer’s market
 _ Co-op
 _ Health food or specialty store
 _ Other ____________________
What is the ideal beverage to accompany your reading or writing?

 _ Hot cocoa
 _ Orange juice
 X Beer
 _ Wine
 _ A good martini or two
 _ Coffee
 _ Other _____________
While writing or reading, do you like listening to music?

 X Yes

 _ No
What kind of music?

What other magazines do you read regularly?

 _ Poets & Writers
 _ Utne

 _ The Sun

 _ Outside

 _ The New Yorker

 _ Bon Appetit

 _ Rolling Stone

 X Other

    The Atlantic Monthly, Harper’s, Family Handyman, Handy, St. Louis Homes, Intercom, Technical
    Communicator, America’s 1st Freedom, Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, Spin, Esquire, FHM,
    Writer’s Digest, The Writer

    [I had to include an attachment to list these, which represent only my current active
In the last year, how many times did you attend the following cultural events?

Live music? _1_
Live theater? _0_
Art gallery or museum? _1_
Movies? _10_
Publication reading? _0_
Spoken word event? _0_
Book group? _0_
Writers’ group? _0_
Environmental group? _0_
Political forum? _0_
Political demonstration? _0_
Other _0_
[Heck, I didn’t even go to that many hockey games this year.]
Have you ever written a letter to the editor of your favorite newspaper or magazine?

 _ Yes

 X No
[Of course, my current favorite magazine is The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction.
You don’t write too many responsive letters of outrage to genre digest magazines. It has, however,
rejected my short fiction submissions.]

What kind of television do you watch?

 _ Only the news

 _ Cooking shows – as many as possible
 _ I indulge in the occasional sitcom or dram–a good story is a good story
 _ Sports
 X TV? I never touch the stuff, give me books!
[Apparently, this question refers to what type of television content you watch, not
what kind of television upon which you watch it. We use a 25″ Sharp.]

What is your favorite literary moment involving a car?

[Who can name any literary moment involving a car?]
What kind of car do you imagine yourself driving?

 _ Honda sedan

 _ BMW convertible
 _ SUV
 _ Hybrid vehicle
 X Vintage muscle car
 _ Why drive? I own a bicycle
[I doubt by “hybrid vehicle” they mean like a
DUKW, but that would be a cool vehicle to
have. Of course, by “Vintage Muscle Car, I mean a 1984 Ford Mustang GT with a 5.0 liter

What kind of car do you actually drive?

GMC Sonoma pick-up
What’s your favorite travel activity?

 _ Theme parks

 _ Cruises
 _ Hiking/biking
 _ Ecotourism
 _ Gambling
 X Activity? I prefer to lie on the beach [or sit in a coffeeshop] with a book
Where have you traveled in the past year?

 X The continental United States
 _ Canada
 _ Alaska, Hawaii, or the Caribbean
 _ Central or Latin America
 _ Europe
 _ Asia
 _ Africa
 _ Other ____
[Nobody tell Tim Blair that
Australia doesn’t get its own check box, the same as Antarctica.]

How do you make travel plans?

 _ I’ve had the same travel agent for years

 X Internet, Internet, Internet
 _ Plans? I point wes (east, south, north) and drive
[Better answer for me: Say “Okay” to
beautiful wife.]



 X M

 _ F

 X High school
 _ Technical school
 X Some college
 X Undergraduate degree
 _ Advanced degree
[An undergraduate degree in philosophy leads one to recognize that an undergraduate degree
or an advanced degree would require some college as a prerequisite.]


 _ Professional

 X Technical

 _ Business owner

 _ Educator or academic

 X Writer, artist, or other creative field

 _ Self-employed

[I wanted to check “academic,” too, since no one really reads the friendly manuals so my
job is largely academic, but I doubt that’s what they meant.]

Household Size

 _ 1 adult

 X 2+ adults _0_ Number of children

Annual household income

 _ Up to $30K

 _ $30K to $40K

 _ $40K to $50K
 _ $50K to $75K
 _ $75K to $100K
 _ $100K to $250K
 _ More than $250K
[It says check one, but what do you do if you make $30K a year? There are two check boxes!
Note that I have not filled this out for you, dear readers, because as my maternal grandfather, Grampa
Naperschevski, used to say, “Do not reveal sensitive financial information on the Internet.”]

City of residence

Maryland Heights
State of residence


All right, it’s not the Political Compass quiz, but it’s something, and I don’t doubt I fit into the minority of subscribers who voted for Bush for president and will do so again.

I’ve subscribed to slicks every since I was a lonely conservative voice in Writing Intensive English program at college, when I spent twenty bucks on Harper’s instead of, well, textbooks. I hope that my answers to surveys like these remind the editors that a variety of viewpoints consume their material, and to remember that pick-up driving people in the reddest part of the red states can be thoughtful, inquisitive, and appreciative of good prose.

But it’s too easy for me to think that if the magazines do notice the low numbers who responded atypically don’t matter, or were merely shining them on.

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Bang The Dustbin Lid Slowly

Bono, one of the idle and bored rich, is looking forward to a campaign of civil disobedience until all national debt in the world is forgiven. Well, all national debt for the selected countries who have trouble paying their bills now.

Bono has not announced his plans for the period when welfare states in Europe and the rest of the Western world bankrupt themselves from coddling the impoverished everywhere, but he is expected to unveil a double standard whereby those nations should be held accountable for their debts.

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Fun With Statistics

Meanwhile, back in the Chicago Tribune, Steve Chapman comments (registration required) on President Bush’s trip to Africa and wonders whether we’re helping or hindering Africa’s case with monetary aid. Good question. Unfortunately, he includes this interesting factoid:

This week, he became only the third U.S. president to visit Africa in the last 25 years.

By my dead reckoning, since 1978 we have had only 5 presidents (Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush) serve, and of those 5, only 3 have served their complete terms. At very worst, of our last five presidents, 60% have gone to Africa. I’m not certain 60% merits an only.

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Send an Unsolicited E-Mail, Go To Jail!

CNN reports on the latest Congressional Zero-Intolergence law, which will throw spammers in jail for up to two years for a non-violent offense. That’s right. Send an unsolicited e-mail to someone, go to JAIL! I’ll have to watch my step when it’s time to send out next year’s Atari Party invitations.

The story says:

The bill also won praise from law-enforcement officials, who said spammers who now shrug off civil penalties as a cost of doing business may think twice when faced with a jail sentence of up to two years.

“We believe criminal sanctions will make a big difference in Virginia,” Virginia Attorney General Jerry Kilgore told the House subcommittee on crime.

  1. How many spammers have been identified and penalized civilly? Not many, but hey, if you’re going to fire aimlessly and not hit anything, it’s best to have a full quiver of punishment arrows so you can just keep firing.
  2. law enforcement officials“? But Jerry Kilgore is an elected politician, undoubtedly only stopping by the Attorney General’s office on his way to bigger and better elected offices.

Undoubtedly, unsolicited e-mail is annoying, but it’s a stupid target for legislation and law enforcement with the current state of deficits and the continued existence of violent crime which, you know, actually hurts people.

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My Kind of Month

According to the Onion today:

Shape Magazine Declares July ‘Let Yourself Go’ Month

WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women’s fitness magazine, has officially declared July “Let Yourself Go” Month. “You’ve toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season… Now it’s time for a meatball sandwich,” wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her ‘From The Editor’ column. “Come on, live a little. Don’t be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you.” Features in the issue include “Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly,” “Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You’ve Lived,” and “Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck.”

By reprinting this, I realize I have just become an R-rated blog. Sorry, Ms. Igert. But look on the bright side. Apparently, the Onion uses American rules for putting commas in quotes even when the commas don’t appear in the article titles, unlike certain stubborn son-in-laws.

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IO Error

Best of the Web Today links to a press release announcing a study by the Cato Institute. The report’s entitled Economic Freedom of the World: 2003 Annual Report, and the press release summarizes the report with the headline Report: Wealthiest Nations Have Freest Economies.

I think this title doesn’t capture the causal link between the two. Instead, perhaps it should say Freest Economies Create Wealthiest Nations.

But I am no economist, I am just a dude who takes the meaning and order of words seriously.

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Maybe They Have Heard About the Benefits Package

Drudge links to a story in USA Today headlined Report: Feds lacks bioterror experts. The lead goes something like this:

The government will have an increasingly hard time hiring and retaining biologists and others needed to prepare for bioterror threats, a report concludes.

The report, according to the story, shines its light on the usual suspects: government pay contrasted with private pay, the decline of science graduates, and retirements.

On the other hand, it doesn’t seem to mention the interest the government lavishes upon persons that it hires in this capacity.

Maybe they need a new hiring campaign slogan, such as, “Work on Bioterrorism for us, and we’ll take care of you.”

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Federal Government-Enforced True Competition Zone

The Federal Trade Commission, an appointed and not elected body, has determined that individual states do not have the right to pass laws regulating commerce within their borders when it comes to the Internet.

In a move my newly-Federalist friend El Guapo might approve, the FTC would lift bans on Internet wine purchases. Some states think it’s too easy for minors to get liquor off the Internet, so they want to prohibit Internet vendors from selling wine to consumers in those states via the Internet.

The FTC, however, has found another way to abuse the powers granted under the ill-conceived interstate commerce clause of the United States Constitution. Instead of letting the individual states handle moral issues (alcohol consumption) and logistical issues (keeping wine out of minors), Uncle Sam must be listening to the last lobbying dollars from vino dot coms.

“By allowing interstate direct shipping, states would give consumers the opportunity to save money on their wine purchases, and would let consumers choose from a much greater variety of wines,” the FTC said in its report.

It’s all for the betterment of the consumer, and it’s at the expense of the states, who lose more power appropriately left ot them and, ooops, lose all that sales and excise tax money which they cannot charge on Internet sales.

It’s oh so wrong in oh so many ways, I will leave it at that before I start foaming Les Bourheois Jeunette Rouge at the mouth and stain the keyboard.

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Obsessive Compulsive Behavior Saves Marriage, $29.95

New technology offers bountiful rewards as Arkon TL 129 His ‘n Her Motion Activated Toilet Night Light will automatically glow red if the toilet seat is up or green if the toilet seat is down, preventing those middle-of-the-night accidents that have caused many marriages to fail or combust in a blaze of murder/suicide glory. However, before this product became available, our marriage was guaranteed safe from this hazard by obsessive compulsive behavior.

You see, we always put the toilet lid down in our bathroom to prevent a flush from spraying germs in festive patterns across the fixtures and paraphernalia in the bathroom and to establish a certain procedure for toilet usage. You always lift the lid and/or toilet seat and then replace it/them when you’re finished. By resetting the Toilet User Interface to a common starting point, we assure that it’s in a known state each time we want to use it.

Our marriage is safe, and we’re not out $30 plus shipping and handling.

Perhaps I should patent the business process of obsessive compulsive behaviors and then make a mint from people who cannot help doing them! Sounds like a better retirement strategy than how my 401k plans have done the last few quarters.

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Coastal Marketing Types Can’t Be Wrong!

Looky here, according to iWon, network executives have realized that current television speaks mostly to the cosmopolitanly-inbred coastal types, that there are people with televisions in the hinterlands of America, and that The America Channel will attract Joe Working Man.

They say:

A new cable channel aimed at showing real American life between the East and West coasts is planned for launch next year, its top executive said.

“We think that Middle America has fantastic stories to tell, and we’re going to go out there and get them,” said Doron Gorshein, chairman and chief executive officer of The America Channel.

The channel, to be formally announced Monday, is aimed at filling a void created by television’s tendency to focus on life in New York and Los Angeles, Gorshein said.

I wouldn’t be so cynical if the channel were based in Chicago, St. Louis, Milwaukee, Des Moines, Lincoln, Wichita, or any of the other cities, yes, cities in the middle of America. However, this story’s dateline is Los Angeles, so I can only assume it’s going to be twenty-four hours, seven days a week of what cosmopolitanly-inbred coastal types think life is like in the rest of the country.

Sorry, bud, you have no road cred.

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Someone Start a James Lileks Beer Fund, Stat!

In today’s The Bleat, James Lileks admits:

I’ve lost a few pounds this summer, mostly because I cut out beer, and a few hours of grunting and strewing couldn’t hurt. [Emphasis mine.]

Lileks is too proud to admit it, but he might have cut out beer because Mrs. Lileks has lost her job, and good beer, such as Guinness Draught, costs almost an hour’s worth of “living wage” per six pack. Although a “Work Ten Minutes, Get A Beer” salary program sounds good to me, come to think of it.

Quick, someone set up a beer fund to help keep Mr. Lileks in the choicest of beers, and hurry, before he becomes emaciated.

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