After a couple hours of off-and-on looking at the Mensa Intelligence Test, I’ll stand pat with 19, the minimum level for genius.
Underachiever
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When Nonfiction Writers Take Liberty
As much as I hate to admit it, I enjoyed Mark Morford’s column "I Wanna Be A Crackhead Author:
Hello, I am an ex-hooker heroin addict with AIDS who eats live puppies. Please read my book". A taste:
I shall start my story humbly, meekly, just like JT LeRoy and James Frey. Small town, somewhere in Idaho or maybe rural Montana, brought up by a sadistic pedophiliac Pentecostal preacher father who only has one good arm and a decimated colon, and a narcoleptic mother with 17 cats who sucks down cases of Tab and reads the “Left Behind” books as nonfiction and who passes out every night in a Percocet haze watching endless reruns of “Knight Rider.”
Me and my two sadistic, ADD brothers will sneak off to the local zoo for days at a time and sleep with the monkeys and torture penguins with fireworks. I will suck on my first bong at age 4 and will be stone drunk by 7 and will regularly black out by age 10, but not before impregnating my pothead babysitter and stealing her credit card to buy a Game Boy and a small Cessna, which I will promptly fly all the way to Mexico before crashing into a tortilla factory and breaking my spine in 12 places and rupturing my kidneys, which I will pay a Mexican mafia doctor named Mannie 50 bucks to swap with black-market kidneys stolen from unwary tourists. Oh my yes. I can see it now.
It’s not exactly discouraged in college narrative nonfiction writing classes that you enhance your memories or history to make a better narrative that’s more gripping, illustrative, or humorous than the events that have actually happened to you.
Why, even I, your humble unreliable narrator have embellished certain things in my own essays to make a point. For example, I created this whole beautiful wife thing out of whole cloth, culminating in a fictional pregnancy to increase my traffic (or I have invented the invention of her to prove a point about embellishing–sorry if this paradox has caused unKirkian patched PCs to shut down and free the Enterprise crew and Harry Mudd).
The key, though, is to know a limit between embellishing and fabricating. In one, you’re exaggerating for effect something that really happened, and in the other, you’re exaggerating for effect something that didn’t really happen.
I only hope that I know the line. If not, I hope to be very celebrated and successful with my undiscovered deception.
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Athletic Team Fears Offending Satan
At the least, it seems likely the word “Devil” will be dropped, as it already is in some official team references. Then a decision has to be made whether to continue associating Rays with the sea creatures or to connect with the sun. Or there could be a new name, such as the Tampa Bay Tarpons.
You know, that’s one redskin you don’t want suing you in the court of law. Because he sues for your soul.
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Blog Yee-Hawd
McGehee of Yippie-Ki-Yay, piqued because any time I feel like it I can beat him in Outside the Beltway caption contests, has decided that I am not worth trifling with:
Anyone getting more traffic than me wouldn’t notice me trying to pick a fight, and if I pick a fight with someone getting less traffic than me, he and I would be the only ones to notice.
Not true, sir; I proclaim this an official MfBJN Blog Yee-Hawd, and my glorious army of reader (singular) vow revenge!
Go get him, honey. He wouldn’t hurt a pregnant woman.
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Too Bad the Only Fan Here Is Pregnant
Jeez, one could get lit just from the promos during football.
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Conan O’Brien Skirts McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance Reform
By making fun of the elections in Finland:
Finland’s president finds her traditional support among women and the Social Democratic Party base, but lately to the surprise of many Finns — and her opponents in Sunday’s election — she has gotten an endorsement of a different sort.
The redheaded late-night talk show host Conan O’Brien has been promoting President Tarja Halonen’s re-election bid as part of a long-running joke about their supposed physical similarities.
“Why do I support Tarja Halonen? Because she’s got the total package: a dynamic personality, a quick mind, and most importantly — my good looks,” the comedian, whose show is broadcast on cable in Finland, said in a statement to The Associated Press.
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Another Trauma for Brett Favre
Man accused of using credit card of star NFL quarterback:
Phoenix man was arrested Thursday after allegedly using a credit card account belonging to Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre more than 40 times, authorities said.
Some Green Bay fans will go to extraordinary measures to ensure that Favre does not retire, including ensuring that he needs the paycheck to pay his credit card bills.
Doubtlessly, radio call-in shows in Wisconsin are now figuring this into their calculations about whether he will return next year.
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Another Award for Brett Favre
Readers’ List: Best acting performances by athletes.
Brett Favre wins it for his performance in There’s Something About Mary.
Doubtlessly, radio call-in shows in Wisconsin are now figuring this into their calculations about whether he will return next year.
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Where Were You When…..
Pairs long program: Baldwin and Inoue make skating history:
Change sometimes happens at a glacial pace, as in an ice age. At other times, it occurs in an instant, such as the meteor that hit the earth and eradicated the dinosaurs.
Both types of changes occurred Friday at Savvis Center in the pairs competition of the U.S. Figure Skating Championships. John Baldwin, 32, is the oldest competitor in the field and has skated almost exclusively in obscurity for 21 years at nationals. But in one fell swoop, he captured a national title and berth on the Olympic team, pairing with Rena Inoue on the first throw triple axel completed in competition.
No doubt, this is a date which will define a generation.
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British Camera Surveillance Confirms No Explosives On Naked Woman
Another camera-based security triumph in Great Britain: Peeping tom CCTV workers jailed:
Two council CCTV camera operators have been jailed for spying on a naked woman in her own home.
Mark Summerton and Kevin Judge, from Sefton Council, Merseyside, trained a street camera into the woman’s flat.
Good on the bobbies for ensuring the boobies were natural and not semtex implants.
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Now Appearing In The Rob McCormick Fiesta Room
Lohan, Moss’ pole dance at topless bar:
New B.F.F.’s Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss shook things up at New York’s Scores strip club in the wee hours of yesterday morning putting on a bump-and-grind pole-dancing session for the club’s 400 shocked patrons, reports the New York Post’s gossip column ‘Page Six.’
Lohan, Moss and a few of their female friends descended upon the topless club just before 3:00 a.m. and went directly into the club’s famous Champagne Room, where the group downed a number of vodka shots, raspberry Kamikazes and beer and were treated to plenty of lapdances from the strippers that surrounded their table.
As other Savvis investors remember, this is where Rob McCormick spent $240,000, prompting his ouster as the CEO of the plucky little ISP that couldn’t quite.
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St. Louis Post-Dispatch Has Too Much Street Cred
Headline: Snitch’s death frees murder suspect
Regardless of the circumstances of the confession nor the nature of the man’s death, I think a professional journalist would have called the man an informant or a witness.
Instead, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch takes its street cred pose and applies the term popularized on the "Stop Snitching" streetwear.
Such shenanigans make me regret I had but one subscription to revoke for my disgust.
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Criminals, Regardless of Their Status, Must Not Be Treated As Criminals
Mexico Demands U.S. Allow More Immigration:
Diplomats from Mexico and Central America on Monday demanded guest worker programs and the legalization of undocumented migrants in the United States, while criticizing a U.S. proposal for tougher border enforcement.
Meeting in Mexico’s capital, the regional officials pledged to do more to fight migrant trafficking, but indirectly condemned a U.S. bill that would make illegal entry a felony and extend border walls.
“Migrants, regardless of their migratory status, should not be treated like criminals,” they said.
No doubt, the undocumented workers and migrants within our country would elect you to be our leaders. Too bad we’re a soveriegn country whose actual citizens get to elect our own feckless leaders.
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That’s Why I Read Cosmopolitan
Muslim bashing seemingly in vogue:
What in the world do dietary supplements have to do with turbans and terrorism?
That political head-scratcher confronted at least some vitamin buyers around the nation who found a flier with their mail-order nutrients carrying the bold headline, “Get a Turban for Durbin!”
An image shows Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Illinois, wearing the headwrap, common in parts of the Middle East and south Asia and sacred religious garb in some faiths, including the entire Sikh religion.
The flier’s kicker: “Keep Congressional Terrorists At Bay.” The flier was distributed last month by a pro-vitamin and supplement group.
Critics say the flier is yet another example of Muslim bashing. The designer of the flier, who has since pulled it, admits that it was over the line but said he put it out to draw attention to what he thinks is improper action by Durbin.
Got that, America? According to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, a cheap mimeographed flier from some unnamed vitamin and dietary supplier represents trend-setting political and social thought.
When it’s convenient for driving “news” articles into the well-traveled, predetermined concourses of thought.
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Subtitle Needed
A sequel without a subtitle is just no good. Ergo, Mrs. Doubtfire 2 needs our help.
My suggestions:
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Doubt Firer
- Doubtfire with a Vengeance
- Doubtfire: The Return of the Queen
- D2: The Mighty Doubts
- D2: Judged Bad Day
- For a Few Doubtfires More
- Doubtfire II: The Wrath, The Con
- Evil Doubtfire 2: Doubtfire by Dawn
- Doubtfirin’ 2: Electric Buggin’ Stu
- The Matron Reloaded
- Old Age Trans-G Doubtfires 2: Secret of the Ews
(Link seen on Ravenwood’s Universe, curse him.)
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The Question They Want to Ask
Judge Alito, assuming that your wife were raped by Satan and impregnated, would you not then support abortion? Indeed, would you not, for the betterment of mankind and service to God, use a spoon and a penlight yourself to rid this world of the demon spawn, even if your wife were in her third trimester?
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My Junk Mail Offends Me
Junk mail tonight:
I tell you what, Svetlana, you’ve already mistaken me for a Canadian and a European man. By the time you hit upon the truth, I’ll be less fooled than I would have been at the outset.
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Jumping the Fark
The January 2006 issue of Readers’ Digest reprints several clever headlines from Fark.com as one of the end-of-the-story page fillers.
So how do you feel now, keen modern Gen X, Y, or Zer, to know that when you laugh at a Fark headline, your grandmother laughs with you?
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A Strange Disturbance in the Internet
Was the Internet a little slow for you tonight? Blame Glenn Reynolds and his new Instapuncast. Yeah, I downloaded it:
Jeez, Louise, 16.5K per second down my T1? I’m almost flashing back to XMODEM days.
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Mighty Fine Fine Print
On Friday, I received a flyer in the postal mail telling me the HOT STOCKS ON THE STREET, wherein some unnamed entity has deemed Sniffex, Inc. (SNFX) as the stock to buy in 2006! A full eighth of the four page tome is dedicated to the disclaimer, reproduced here in its stunning glory:
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER & DISCLOSURE: This paid advertising issue does not purport to provide an analysis of any companies financial position and is not in any way to be construed as an offer to buy or sell and security. We are not investment advisors! This is paid advertisement and Sniffex inc (SNFX) is featured company Annecto Corporation (hereafter annecto) managed the publishing and distribution of this publication, annecto disseminates information via paid advertisements. Although the information contained in this advertisement is believed to be reliable, annecto and its editor make no warranties as to the accuracy of the description of any of the content herein and accept no liability for how readers may choose to utilize it. The information contained herein is being republished from already publicly disseminated information by third parties regarding SNFX and are assumed to be reliable, but annecto accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of such information. Annecto, or any of their assets, principals, officers, directors, partners, agents, or affiliates are not, nor do we represent ourselves to be, registered investment advisors, brokers, or dealers. Readers should independently verify all statements made in this advertisement. Annecto has a total production budget of over $500 000 and annecto is a non-affiliated third party, annecto is using its own money to disseminate this report. Annecto or its Affiliates own shares of SNFA and intend to sell them at a the open market. Be aware of an inherent conflict of interest resulting from such holdings due to our intent to profit from the liquidation of these shares. Shares may be sold at any time, even after positive statements have been made regarding the above company. Since we own shares, there is an inherent conflict of interest in our statements and opinions. Readers of this publication are cautioned not to place undue reliance on forward looking statements, which are based on certain assumptions and expectations involving various risks and uncertainties, that could cause results to differ materially from those set forth in the forward looking statements. This is not solicitation to buy or sell stocks. We are not registered investment advisors, this text is for informational purpose only and you should seek professional advice from registered financial advisor before you do anything related with buying or selling stocks, penny stocks are very high risk and you can lose your entire investment. This is not solicitation to buy or sell securities and this newsletter is not a registered investment advisor. Please make special note that Annecto reserves the right to sell any or all of its shares in any company profiled at any time, be that before the date of a profile, during the date of a profile, or at anytime after the date of a profile. Further, specific financial information, filings and disclosures, as well as general investor information about publicly traded companies like SNFX, advice to investors and other investor resources are available at the Securities and Exchange commission web site at www.sec.gov and www.pinksheets.com . Any investment should be made only after consulting with a qualified investment advisor and after reviewing the publicly available financial statements of the company and verifying thatch the investment is approved within the respective investors state. Investing in securities is highly speculative and carries a great deal of risk. Past performance does not guarantee future results. The information contained herein contains forward-looking information within the meaning of Section 27 A of the Securities Act of 1933 and Section 21E of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, including regarding expected continual growth of the featured company. The information contained herein includes forward-looking statements within the meaning of the safe harbor provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. Reference is made in particular to the description of SNFX’s plans and objectives for future operations, assumptions underlying such plans and objectives and other forward-looking statements included in the information provided. Such statements, which contain terms such as expect, believe, anticipate, suggest, plan, indicate and similar terms of uncertainty, are based on management’s current expectations and beliefs and are subject to a number of factors and uncertainties which could cause actual results to differ materially from those described in the forward-looking statements. Factors which could cause such results to differ materially from those described in the forward-looking statements include the size and growth of the market for SNFX’s operations, regulatory approvals, the ability to fund its capital requirements in the near term and long term .All statements relating to operational results are hereby qualified in their entirety by the companies filings, including its financial statement filings, under the Securities Exchange Act of 1934.
That, my friends, is 768 words of cobbled-together gibberish (I was going to include [sic] to indicate the grammatical errata, but I gave up quickly. Like a child repeating a mantra under the blankets to protect it from the boogeyman, Annecto seems to have swiped and pasted legalese from a number of sources to create the repetitive cantation to ward off lawsuits.
Not registered financial advisors? You don’t say! Based on the writing and editing skills contained within the forward-looking statements, I’d say that the authors/cobblers lack a diploma, much less whatever paperwork it takes to become a registered financial advisor.
No, Annecto looks more like a pumper and dumper from Yahoo! message boards with a desktop publishing program and a postage budget.
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