Category: News

Another ad in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch from yesterday, with my markup in red for your approval:

Social Security

If we feel like gambling,
WE’LL PLAY THE SLOTS
AND WE CAN, BECAUSE WE HAVE

THIS FREE GOVERNMENT MONEY WE CAN PISS AWAY.

Let’s not turn Social Security into Social Insecurity. While the program needs to be strengthened eradicated, private accounts that take money out of Social Security are not the answer on Jeopardy! since you have to answer with a question and will hurt all our generations, the only one with any real hope of dying while Social Security is solvent. There are places in your retirement planning for risk, but Social Security isn’t one of them, and you can take our word for it since we’re wise enough to rely on continued government largesse and taxpayer benevolence for our retirement instead of, you know, intelligence of any sort. Call your legislators at 1-800-307-8525 and urge them to oppose private accounts that put Social Security at risk.

AARP The power to make it better ourselves richer at the expense of those damn kids, many of whom are in their thirties by now.

I would tell you what I think about the AARP, but the language might get me banned by some filters, and I wouldn’t even know about it to cash in on the persecutional publicity. Let me say that I respect my elders and I respect any other human until such time as he, she, or it tries to violate me, my family, or my property. Which is really what the AARP wants, my earnings to fund its members’ continuing and unplanned for existence.

Advertisement, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Sunday, January 9, 2005:

January, 2005

Dear Missouri Legislators and Honorable Governor Blunt,

We send our best wishes as you prepare for the upcoming legislative session. We look forward to opening a dialogue that will build consensus about the direction in which our state is moving.

Many of our coalition members have been involved in the creation and support of state programs that help children, the elderly, people with disabilities, and working people of Missouri. We want to join in your efforts to improve state services and inform the public about the vital role of the state in promoting a healthy, productive workforce and strong families.

Our government has the capacity and the ability to serve Missouri residents efficiently and fairly. The foundation of a responsible, compassionate society is that all citizens have access to basic human services such as education and health care.

Our goal is to work with you on proposed changes to state programs and to ensure that government delivers the high standards of service you have promised Missouri residents.

Governor Blunt, the coalition especially appreciates the commitment you have made to keep Medicaid and the Children’s Health Insurance Program intact and to fully fund education. On behalf of those who need health care and cannot afford it–and on behalf of our children who deserve quality public schools–we promise to work with you to uphold your commitment to the well-being of all Missourians.

Missouri Budget Program (www.mobudget.org)
Missouri Coalition for Budget & Policy Priorities

Scrawled on the bottom, in crayon, the Noggle addendum:

And get me a jelly sandwich ’cause I’m hungry, and it’s your duty to ensure continuous homeostasis for all beings, whether human or otherwise (except for some flora). And you, productive members of society, business owners, and corporations: put on the fezzes and dance for me! Dance while I chew the lotus blossoms provided by Mother Socialism until I giggle myself to contented sleep and stupidity. Because I wanna, and there’s a lot of coalitions who want me to!

In his column today, Richard Roeper responds to respondents:

Apparently, Republicans aren’t the most introspective people in the world. In a column earlier this week, I asked them not to contact me — but to ask themselves if they would have criticized Bill Clinton if he had been as indecisive as President Bush was last week in reacting to the tsunami.

Within hours of the column appearing, at least 200 Bush-backers e-mailed or called me to react (often with obscenities and name-calling) to an item in which I specifically requested that they not contact me.

Hilarious.

I mentioned this story before, and let’s recap Roeper’s exact words on this matter:

To my Republicans friends:

So the people he wrote him are Republicans, but not his friends. Although I can’t imagine he has many Republican friends, I’ll bet it’s a fairly exclusive group, and they probably didn’t say a word.

In a shotgun blast of a column today, Richard Roeper pulls together a series of musings on the tsunami in Southeast Asia (mostly potshots at the West, its citizens, or the current administration) and poses this question:

To my Republicans friends: Be honest now. If Bill Clinton had waited three days to make a public statement about the worst natural disaster in a generation, how would you have reacted? If Clinton initially pledged $35 million in relief even as we were hearing that his inauguration parties were going to cost $40 million, would you have slammed him for that?

Don’t contact me; I’m just asking you to be honest with yourselves. If you’d find fault with Clinton for such behavior, why didn’t you criticize Bush for his slow and uninspired response?

Roeper doesn’t quite understand the way our Republican hearts work. If Bill Clinton had offered any relief at all, we would have accused him of trying to distract the media from his latest scandal.

The question elevates a trivial topic to a completely new level of trivial trivialism. The whole “Bush waited three days” nonsense would grate on me if I took it seriously, as seriously as some people (including, apparently, Richard Roeper) do. Who cares what Bush did? He’s the President of the United States, for crying out loud, not the Great All Father from whom all teachings and wisdom is derived. He could have said less, or nothing, and my wife and I would have contributed what we contributed. But we’re independent people who don’t need direction from Annan or Bush.

But to continue dragging Clinton and Clinton bashing into any backlash against left-of-the-aisle trivial carping? Bill Clinton’s presidency ended five years ago. To ask what we would have done in 1998, during an unprecedented economic expansion, if a tsunami had hit and had Bill Clinton somehow not managed to publicly bite his lip for three days? What’s the point of the exercise?

Other than justification for inane commentary about the three day period in which the president might have, you know, been educating himself to the scope of the disaster, deliberating about the proper response, and perhaps even calculating how much of the United States government’s deficit should be spent on non-citizens and its relation to the incredible sums voluntarily given by American citizens to private relief efforts.

What would Clinton have done, and how would his critics responded? Who cares? Unlike some people, I have matured and have moved on.

A BBC piece entitled “Tribe shoots arrows at aid flight” features a number of illustrations about how pronoun abuse hurts everyone:

Officials believe they survived the devastation by using age-old early warning systems.

No, I think that the officials survived the devestation by being elsewhere when the devestation occured.

Scientists are examining the possibility to see whether it can be used to predict earth tremors in future.

The last sentence represents the worst sentence I have seen in a long, long time. “The possibility” doesn’t really have an antecedent in the preceding paragraphs; I think the author meant that scientists were going to examine the actual actions of the tribes to determine if, possibly, they have a line on predicting tsunamis that won’t cost money.

But the idea of using a possibility kinda scrums me. It sounds kinda Star Trek, ainna? But Captain, we can use the Solar Possibility to metaphase the Enterprise back in time four days….

On a side note to the natives who tried to shoot the planes with bows and arrows: although you, too, have watched the computer players’ spearmen hold off your tanks in Civilization III, it’s not that easy in real life.

This certainly didn’t happen in Florida after the hurricanes:

The main airport at Indonesia’s Sumatra island has reopened after an accident that dealt a severe blow to efforts to deliver aid to the region worst affected by the tsunami disaster.

The crucial airstrip in Banda Aceh — the province’s only runway — was closed for much of Tuesday after an aircraft carrying relief supplies hit a water buffalo on the runway.

The Humane Society of the United States called the other day to drum up some extra cash in light of the tsunami in southeast Asia as part of the Relief Efforts for Animals Difficult after Catastrophic Tsunami campaign.

Compounding the human tragedy unfolding in South Asia after a massive tsunami swept across the Indian Ocean, animal victims are now beginning to emerge as well. While the impact of this natural disaster on animal populations is currently very difficult to assess, Humane Society International (HSI) and its partners in the region are working to support disaster relief efforts in the affected countries.

Undoubtedly, countless animals died and were washed out to sea by the initial tidal waves, while the bodies of thousands of others litter the beaches and fields of devastated areas, complicating the disaster relief process. The necessity of disposing of both human and animal remains to contain the spread of diseases like cholera and typhoid is still critical.

And while the relief efforts of animal welfare workers in Asia understandably remain focused on human victims of the disaster, many are preparing to spend the coming days and weeks fighting disease and helping as many victims as possible—both human and animal.

It’s not a joke. To some people whose livelihoods depend upon raising funds for animal welfare, I guess this represents a reasonable opportunity to show animal compassion.

In light of the unimaginable human suffering, though, I find it crass.

94-year-old lottery winner doesn’t want to wait for her cash:

A Massachusetts woman says she wants her lottery winnings now — because she’s 94 and isn’t likely to live another 20 years.

Louise Outing won $5.6 million in September.

But it’s the policy of the Massachusetts lottery to pay out jackpots from its Megabucks game over 20 years. In this case, that would be about $200,000 a year.

Outing’s lawyer is asking a judge to force the lottery to pay her now in a lump sum, minus taxes.

Personal call for attorneys:

Dear sirs, the policy of the Missouri lottery is that it won’t pay out a lottery jackpot until you win it. However, given the astronomical odds, it will take me thousands of years playing the same number every week to win a jackpot. As I shall probably not live to see that day, please litigate on my behalf to force the Missouri lottery to force an immediate payout minus taxes. Thank you.

San Francisco lawyer and trainer of international prosecutors and other internationalist muckety-mucks Robert S. Rivkin asks:

So — where is the imagination in our national leadership?

Unfortunately, Rivkin’s “imagination” only extends to more taxation on Americans for two years (come on, permanently–taxes don’t go away that easily, or we’d be done wiring rural areas for phone by now) to rebuild southeast Asia:

For example, the president could propose a flat $50 surtax applicable to every American tax return with an adjusted gross income of between $25,000 and $40,000; a flat $75 surtax on every tax return with an adjusted gross income between $40,000 and $80,000; $100 for incomes over $80,000, and so on. This small assessment for two years would produce many billions of dollars, which could be placed into a fund which would support infrastructure repair and development over a period of at least 10 years in the stricken countries.

Hey, you want imagination? How about this proposal: Now, some tribes in devestated areas are probably not that far–maybe a generation or two–from head hunting and cannibalism. How about we send a couple of San Fransisco attorneys to tide them over? We’ve got a surplus here in America, and it’s awful stingy of us to let them simply grow old and die when they could sustain a family for a month.

(Thanks to Jeff Jarvis for starting my morning off right–with indignation and head shaking.)

US Orders Probe of Air Travel Troubles:

U.S. Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta said on Monday he was launching a probe of air travel disruptions over the Christmas holiday weekend at US Airways Group Inc. and Delta Air Line Inc.’s regional carrier Comair.

Doesn’t normmineta sound like a bacterial gastrointestinal disorder?

Start with a large fortune, of course.

The New York Post details a number of charities in New York who lost money on fund raising campaigns last year.

Tips to charities who want to raise money from the Noggle household:

• Send us a couple of mailings a year so we have the envelopes, but cut out the bi-monthly, glossy campaigns. Our five dollars barely covers the costs of your printing and postage.
• Don’t bother selling our name to other charities and charity-facilitating for-profit corporations because we don’t respond to charities we don’t know, no matter how importantly the National Sisters of Animal Defense and Welfare fund takes itself, or how pretty we find its unsolicited and beautiful-but-no-salable-for-a-quarter-at-our-garage-sale calendar.
• For the most part, if you’ve got National, American, United States, International, Global, or Galactic in your organization name, save your bulk rate postage. We give precedence to local charities that don’t need to support national administrative costs so executives can attend meetings, lunches, and conferences on our five dollars. We give to the local Habitat for Humanity, not the conglomerated federated American effort, which needs to pay its salaries and costs before trickling down donations to local organizations. Sounds remarkably consistent with my position on the Federal Government spending, ainna?

Thank you, that is all.

According to the Riverfront Times, a St. Louis Post-Dispatch reporter was fired for blogging:

Following publication of an Unreal item in last week’s Riverfront Times, newsroom management at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch seized the computer hard drive of staff writer Daniel P. Finney and suspended him from reporting duties.

The Unreal piece, “Local Blog o’ the Week,” highlighted an online diary written under the pseudonym Roland H. Thompson. Though Finney did not identify himself by name in the blog, titled “Rage, Anguish and Other Bad Craziness in St. Louis,” he chronicled minute details of his life, including lengthy passages about his job as a Post-Dispatch features writer.

Of course, what’s a story about a blogger losing a job without an obligatory genuflection to the apparent patron saint and prostitute plucky promiscuous-and-enterpreneurial Washington insider, Jessica Cutler:

Firing employees for their private blogs is nothing new. U.S. Senate mail clerk Jessica Cutler made national headlines earlier this year when she lost her job after detailing her sexual escapades with Senate staffers.

Although the content might have been pithy, I doubt Finney’s blog detailed receiving anal sex for six hundred dollars per.

Man, if this blog ever leads to my dismissal or loss of business, I shall keep it quiet just so no one mentions my name and Jessica Cutler’s in the same article.

In this report about the murder in northwest Missouri, the poor writer would to have already solved the mystery:

Nodaway County Sheriff Ben Espey (pictured, center) said authorities are awaiting DNA testing to confirm the girl is the child of Stinnett, 23, who was found slain in her northwest Missouri home Thursday afternoon by her own mother.

The former Delta Airline stewardess who doesn’t understand the nature of at-will employment laments her firing and chooses some questionable peers:

That was when I began to hear stories about people like Heather B. Armstrong, of dooce.com, who was fired because of her blog in 2002. Then there was “the Washingtonienne,” who was fired earlier this year because of comments she entered in her blog.

One should not compare oneself to Jessica Cutler, as one always suffers by the mention.

In Ohio,Ralph Nader has filed suit to end corporate subsidies:

St. Louis built a $260 million stadium to attract a football team. MasterCard got $41 million of tax incentives to build its technology center here. Ford got $17 million to keep its Hazelwood plant open.

Public officials justified each of those economic development deals as a legitimate investment that created and preserved jobs. But each also could be labeled corporate welfare.

Would we be better off if such subsidies were banned? It’s an enticing thought to many taxpayers, and a chilling thought to politicians and corporate officials. But the debate has been largely theoretical until recently. Now, a court case in Ohio may make some tax incentives illegal.

He’s a better gadfly than commander in chief, that’s for sure.

The government has no business spending tax monies to either perpetrate itself or to aid corporations so that they might indirectly benefit citizens.

Our European friends again broaden themselves beyond their normal anti-Semitism to demonstrate their ‘superiority’ over blacks:

The IMG/Primus Worldstars tour of Europe was organized as a gesture of goodwill, but not all fans at their 5-4 win against the Russian Stars on Sunday felt the same.

A fan twice threw a banana on the ice when Worldstars forward Anson Carter was playing, once during the first period and again during the third. Carter, who is black, told ESPN The Magazine’s EJ Hradek that he noticed the racist act but did not alert game officials.

A bit of perspective that people are thugs and punks everywhere, not just here in the United States where over 150 years ago, certain sections of the country practiced a barbarism.