Author: Brian J. Noggle

Subdivision’s 17 mph speed limit marks life in slow lane:

Road signs in Heritage of Hawk Ridge make some drivers in the subdivision do a double take, and that’s just what developers wanted.

The posted speed limit in the retirement development is 17 mph.

It’s so novel that it warrants a story in the paper even though it’s not a legally-enforceable limit. It’s as much a novelty sign as the Trumpet Parking Only sign my wife hangs in her office–but the Post-Dispatch writes the story anyway, trying to convey that it’s a neat idea and an attention-getter, and the Post-Dispatch has by now gotten the attention of innumerable aldermen, councilmen, and perhaps even a selectman or two.

And why the hell not change the speed limits to some fool off-five number to get attention of motorists, most of whom will continue to drive at speeds on the five s because that’s where the line on the speedometer is. Ah, hell, laws and rules of the road are enacted catch as catch can to bolster revenues and to respond to infrequent accidents anyway.

I just wish the Post-Dispatch would be more consistent in lauding creativity in law enforcement that accosts and captures actual felons if they’re going to be so happy about things that ensnare normal people.

In Illinois, they’re going to make it illegal to embellish your past:

People who pretend to have earned some of the nation’s most prestigious military medals, including the Purple Heart, the Medal of Honor and others, could pay a fine of up to $200 under a bill being considered today by the state Senate.

Jumping merry jesophat, I think it’s odious, but criminal?

Sure it starts with pretending about having served with distinction in the military, but there’s nothing different, really, about lying about military service, lying about playing sports in high school, or lying about your sexual conquests.

“For one in our society to falsely represent themselves as having received that very, very important recognition, I think is a serious offense not only in law but to our morality,” said Rep. Dan Burke, D-Chicago, the bill’s sponsor.

I tell you what, Representative, let’s expand that bill a bit more to extend to embellishments or insincere promises made by politicians because I think that’s a series offense not only in law but to our morality.

The solution:

Federal prosecutors say the use and manufacture of methamphetamine by a Jefferson County man contributed to the death of his infant daughter in 2003. If a judge agrees, 28-year-old James G. Hayes could spend 30 years behind bars.

The problem?

The death of 4-week-old Jersie N. Hayes was reported to authorities on Jan. 21, 2003 by Hayes’ girlfriend, Kristy Toczylowski, who is the mother of four children with Hayes. The child was found in bed at the couple’s home on Treeview Lane, south of Fenton.

[redacted by blogger] even though an autopsy on the child proved inconclusive.

The missing ingredient, the magical summation that this blogger withheld to demonstrate the absurdity of the charge?

Prosecutors believe the dangerous chemicals use to make meth contributed to Jersie’s death, even though an autopsy on the child proved inconclusive.

Holy crimoly, I hope that the freaking toxicology and pathology classes that they teach in law school to students with political science undergraduate degrees include actual autopsies so that the ADAs can get diggin’ in the morgue to overcome what the actual coroner says.

Because I’d hate to think our legal system relies upon creative higher-office seekers and the various incarnations of television’s CSI for this illumination.

Revelation:

A minor league hockey team plans to spoof Vice President Dick Cheney’s recent hunting mishap by handing out orange hunting vests with the words, “Don’t Shoot, I’m Human.”

However, note again how the Cheney responded by not responding:

WE DEMAND THAT DICK CHENEY STOP HIS PATTERN OF DECEPTION AND IMMEDIATELY RESPOND TO ANY AND ALL SATIRE DIRECTED AT HIM! Anything less shows contempt for the American people and the media.

Is it that time again to discover that the game of Assassination is being played upon city streets?

I guess so:

A large-scale combination of “Hide and Seek” and murder is being played on the streets of major U.S. cities with water pistols.

“StreetWars: Killer” allows grownups to play out fantasies of being assassins, the Los Angeles Times says. The game began in New York, where Mayor Michael Bloomberg said that one of the founders, Franz Aliquo, “could use some psychiatric help.”

Party like it’s 1985!

UPDATE: UPI has also learned that some young people play games with paper and dice around kitchen tables while drinking copious amounts of Mountain Dew. Unconfirmed reports indicate that these people worship the devil!

In an article entitled "Some Finding Perils in Online Real Estate, the New York Times finds innumerable ways to blame eBay for unscrupulous sellers who will unload crap properties on "investors" who will buy properties unseen and then will pay contractors recommended by the sellers thousands of dollars for repairs. For example, the New York Times offers this bit:

Sam Hoyt, a Democratic state assemblyman and co-chairman of the Buffalo mayor’s task force on real estate flipping, whose aim is to educate consumers on the destructive effects of the practice, blames eBay, saying it enables dishonest flippers to lure buyers.

Mr. Hoyt said he had repeatedly appealed to eBay officials, asking the company to make specific changes, like informing sellers that they must comply with New York State disclosure laws and requiring a copy of written sales contracts. But Mr. Hoyt said he had received little cooperation from the company.

“What eBay is doing, in my opinion, is immoral,” he said. “They have a responsibility to not facilitate activity like this.”

I mean, Buffalo has a task force on the problem of capitalists trying to turn a profit with property, and this publicly-funded entity has determined that eBay is immoral for posting real estate listings.

No doubt the New York Times has issued a retraction for all of the overly-optimistic classified ads it has run in its history.

But hey, the NYT is "even-handed," as we can see from the "opposing viewpoint"

Representatives of eBay say the company has few legal obligations to buyers of real estate on the site. “The people responsible for house flipping,” an eBay spokesman, Hani Durzy, said, “are the people selling these houses and the people buying them sight unseen. How these sellers and buyers are connecting is not as important as the fact that the buyers are not doing the proper due diligence when buying a property.”

eBay pretty much understands the physics of the situation: fools share the same negative electrical charge as their money, and the fools will inevitably cast off their excess dollars.

The paper, on the other hand, only understands that somehow, somewhere, something is not regulated or legislated, and its heroes, the legislatures and regulatory agencies of government, should do something.

We at MfBJN, on the other hand, turn to the sublime koans of Master Kuni, who meditated: “You took the box? Let’s see what’s in the box! Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You’re so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!”

Because instead of trying to outlawing stupidity, we prefer that it remain a personal choice, punishable by mockery.

In Missouri, some retail developers have mechanisms for levying surcharges on purchases within their developments. They can then use this money for things such as keeping up their developments, leaving the rent they charge the retailers available for more important things, such as their salaries and profit.

But the state is starting to look at this practice since, you know, these transportation development districts allow for the levying of taxes without accountability. The schizophrenic St. Louis Post-Dispatch cluck clucks the practice, which is odd since the paper lauds unelected boards pushing for taxes and conferring tax breaks for airports, sports teams, and myriad other things–so long as it’s not businesses who wield this ripe-for-abuse power, it’s okay with the Post-Dispatch.

But we here at MfBJN applaud Jerry Ebest, director of real estate for Dierbergs grocery stores, who tells the public it should just lie back and enjoy it:

“If you’re a consumer and you live very close to anybody’s store that is in your municipality, would you take time out of your schedule to drive to another city with a lower tax rate?” he asked. “My suspicion is you would not.”

Thank you, Mr. Ebest, for explaining how rising tax rates lift all boats.