Freelancing for John Kerry

William Squire posted some ghostwritten jokes for John Kerry, who recently bombed with a "botched joke":

You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.

Whereas I do not think Mr. Squire was entirely ingenuous (or whatever the opposite of disingenuous is), I wholly sincerely offer up my own services as a humorist for Mr. Kerry. Here, then, are my sample jokes:

    Why did the uneducated soldier fiddle with his car radio’s FM dial?
    Because it was stuck on 96.7 Z-Rock, and he was looking for some of that hillbilly music they listen to in the Midwest.

    Why did the firemen need the jaws of life for the uneducated soldier who was fiddling with his car radio’s FM dial?
    Because he lost control of his vehicle, rolled it down an enbankment, and was stuck in his IROC.

    Why didn’t the uneducated, not trying to be smart soldier give Senator Kerry the ascot the Massachussetan asked for?
    The uneducated soldier didn’t know it was stuck on the tie rack!

See, I’m marginally more amusing than the senator’s current writers.

I’m available for low, low rates!

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Book Report: Whodunits by Pocket Puzzlers (2000?)

I know, what’s next, book reports on Dell mini mags? But I read this book and it’s 96 pages, so it’s thicker than some of the tracts I’ve covered here. It’s a tiny little octo or whatever you would call it with a number of crime-related puzzles. You’re supposed to figure them out and look up the answer in the back to see if you’re right. The book’s stories are split between logic puzzles, the kind you’re supposed to draw grids for and mark off the inferences from a finite number of statements of fact such as “One of the suspects is a liar,” and the more Encyclopedia Brownish spot-the-inconsistencies. I prefered the latter, mainly because I read this in bed often and didn’t have pen and paper to do the logic puzzles.

I paid a quarter for it at a book fair (Carondolet 2006? Oh, it’s so hard to tell). It’s worth it if you can get a cheap copy if you remember Encyclopedia Brown fondly.

Books mentioned in this review:


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A Little Inference Never Hurt Nobody

When you’re married, sometimes you let a little inference work for you. It’s not deception, exactly. For example:

    I said: Should I take the leftover Halloween candy to work?
    She inferred: To share with coworkers.
    I really meant: For lunch.

Everyone’s happy. Except maybe my coworkers.

UPDATE: Number of SweeTarts that it takes until you begin to hallucinate: 597.

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What’s Better Than A Group of Midgets Dressing Up and Singing Like KISS?

KISSing UP:
Small in stature, tribute band lives large in honor of Gene Simmons and company
:

Almost exactly a decade ago, Joey Fatale had the idea for MiniKISS, the “littlest KISS tribute band in the world.”

He was moving and, in the process, going through his vinyl records when he came upon his copy of “Alive!” the 1975 live album that helped make KISS a legend.

“I thought it would be great to have a band of little people dressed up as KISS,” Fatale said. “I threw it together as a fluke.”

The only thing that could make it better is realizing it’s not the only one:

MiniKISS clicked with Comedy Central’s mock-news program “The Daily Show,” which recently did a broad parody involving the “rivalry” between MiniKISS and Tiny Kiss, another KISS tribute band with a little-people lineup. On the MiniKISS Web site, Fatale has more or less foreclosed on commenting on Tiny Kiss, but he’s taken marketing precautions.

Isn’t this country great?

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St. Louis Not Really Most Violent City, Says Mayor SLAY

Slay disputes St. Louis ranking as most dangerous city:

Mayor Francis Slay makes no bones about it: Morgan Quitno Press is dead wrong to call St. Louis the most dangerous city in the United States.

“It’s bogus,” Slay said of the group’s annual ranking released Monday. “To suggest that St. Louis is more dangerous than Miami, New Orleans, Los Angeles and Chicago — it just doesn’t make any sense. I will beat anyone who says that to my face within inches of his life, and then I will take his wallet to help fund some sports venue or another.” [Emphasis, actual words added]

Police Chief Joseph Makewar concurred.

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Defining "Denounce" Up

Apparently, it’s getting easier to denounce things. At least in headlines: Voters denounce handling of page scandal by Shimkus, Hastert. Denounced on soapboxes, in rousing speeches, in vehement letters to the editor, or in protests? Not quite.

When asked whether they approve of how Republican leaders in general — and Hastert in particular — handled the issue, two-thirds of the poll respondents said they disapproved.

When questioned specifically about Shimkus’ decision to privately tell Foley to stop e-mailing pages without taking further action, more than three-quarters of respondents said that wasn’t the correct response.

Denounced, expressed disappointment through canned answers to a survey, same difference (if you’re disapproving of Republicans).

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It’s Not Just A Good Idea… Well, Apparently, It Is, If You’re The Governor of Illinois

When do you not have to comply with the law? When you are the law:

Attorney General Lisa Madigan ordered Gov. Blagojevich’s administration Thursday to release copies of all subpoenas issued by federal investigators probing corruption under the governor.

But Blagojevich’s office late Thursday indicated it would not abide by Madigan’s order, setting up a possible constitutional showdown between two of the state’s top Democratic officeholders.

“We didn’t request an opinion on this topic, but we appreciate the attorney general office’s advisory input,” Blagojevich spokeswoman Abby Ottenhoff said.

Well, at least they were polite about continuing in their coverup of potential wrongdoing.

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Defense Mechanism

The New York Times offers a helpful hint on protecting yourself from vapid people who would call themselves your friends:

Jim Coffman, 40, a Democrat in Chicago, said he and his wife have not pursued a friendship with another couple whose three children are the same ages as theirs after seeing photographs of President Bush on the other couple’s refrigerator. He said they have discussed with other friends “being so amazed that we could have so much in common, and yet be so diametrically opposed” when it comes to politics.

We have used this mechanism to deter people who use politics as the determining factor for populating their high-school-like clique with other “cool” people so they can look down upon the nerds together. Except in the midlife cliques, the nerds are evil.

So when people come into my home and see the collection of fundraiser photographs, only to determine they don’t want to pursue a deeper friendship because I’m obviously evil or stupid by their reckoning, they’re doing me a favor.

(Link seen on Althouse.)

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The Milwukee Witch’s House

Early in the morning, the mists rising from Lake Michigan creep over its shorelines and extend their tendrils into the nearby yards and neighborhoods, giving a feeling as esoteric and eldritch as any New England setting from an H.P. Lovecraft story. If one takes a curving road along the lake shore in Fox Point, Wisconsin, one’s headlights trickle over the foliage until the most pagan of sites emerges from the gloom. Concrete totems lurk behind a chain link fence topped with barbed wire. As many generations of Milwaukee-area residents know, this seemingly calm, semi-secluded area is the Witch’s House. A guide, if present, will insist with as much vehemence as a raised whisper can allow that everyone roll up the windows and lock the car doors and will exhort the driver not to stop.

Some whisper that a woman lived in the home with her husband and young son. One day, the husband and son took the family boat out onto the Great Lake and capsized just offshore. Her family drowned within sight of the woman, and she was powerless to help them. The woman thought that the spirits of the water would come to take her to join her husband and son, so she began to make warding statues to keep the water spirits at bay. Another story claimed that she killed her husband and child herself and hid them among the statues.

The real story of the Milwaukee Witch’s House is more benign. Artist Mary Nohl, born in 1914 and a graduate of the Art Institute of Chicago, inherited the family land and cottage in the 1960s. She began to create an art environment, crafting sculptures in such media as concrete, tree branches, sand, and other items that washed ashore on her property. Given her influences and preferred subject matter of whimsical and mythic figures and the fact that she remained single fueled the spooky rumors that drove young spectre seekers to her neighborhood late at night. By all accounts, Ms. Nohl did not mind the underground attention she received, as she didn’t prosecute trespassers and once remarked, as a group of young people viewed her work from outside the fence, that they had good taste.

Although Mary Nohl died in 2001, the house remains an art environment to this day. Mary Nohl donated the land and millions of dollars to the Kohler Foundation, and the foundation would like to open the house as a museum so visitors can enjoy the works of Mary Nohl without the mystery and foreboding. However, other residents of the Fox Point neighborhood are taking steps to prevent the land from becoming a museum, undoubtedly tired of decades of nocturnal visitors of the teenaged sort.

For at least a short time, restless wayfarers can drive by the site at the witching hour with unwitting companions and continue to embellish the tale of the Witch’s House and to view the works in the traditional method, with all of with the mystery and foreboding young imaginations can ferment.

Other reading:
Kohler Foundation description of the Mary Nohl Site:
http://www.kohlerfoundation.org/new_NohlSite.html

Wisconsin Trust for Historic Preservation, 10 Most Endangered Properties list including Nohl House
http://www.wthp.org/10_most.htm

Wisconsin National Register of Historic Places Entry for Mary Nohl Art Environment:
http://www.wisconsinhistory.org/hp/register/viewSummary.asp?refnum=05001109

Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel columnist Jim Stingl column “Pilgrimage to ‘witch’s house’ was a rite of passage”:
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=11655

Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel news item “Artist’s legacy lingers: Some residents fight preservation of woman’s quirky lakefront home”:
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=304368


Sound like a piece you would find on Damn Interesting? Well, yeah, it was one of my sample pieces. It was not accepted, and it wasn’t doing anything on my hard drive, so there you go.

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Cardinals Provide Hangover For World Series Win

Last night, while watching the postgame celebrations, the Fox commentator stuck a microphone in the face of Bill DeWitt, business frontmn for the St. Louis Cardinals. After he finished his planned platitudes, I quipped in a mocking voice, “And can we have $100 million dollars?”

Well, like so much humor, this was unfortunately on the money, so to speak:

The Cardinals owners, their developer partner and city officials capitalized on the World Series euphoria Friday as they unveiled a model of the Ballpark Village project they hope will change the face of downtown.

Fortunately, elected officials remain resolute, unaffected by trying to latch on to the ephemeral success of a professional sporting event by determining public policy to support a freakin’ pastime run by a for-profit entity:

“It is much bigger and better than what was originally talked about,” St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay said at a news conference Friday afternoon. The $387 million development would rely on more than $100 million in public funds to finance the project.

Oh, well, maybe not.

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The Midwestern Way

In a story in yesterday’s Wall Street Journal (sorry, no link) entitled “‘Honey, I’m Thinking of Having an Affair’: Therapists Advise Confessing Temptation”, we get a sidebar advising how to “Affair-Proofing A Marriage”:

To guard against damage from affairs, experts suggest couples:

  • Acknowledge the risk of an affair occurring
  • Discuss circumstances that might pose a risk
  • Agree to talk about temptations before acting
  • Disclose any affairs promptly
  • Agree not to counterattack if a spouse strays
  • Learn to ask, give and receive forgiveness

These sentiments and the bolding itself might embolden Manhattanites to stray and to talk about it with their therapists and therapist-talking, possibly cheating spouses. However, here in the Midwest, in circumstances where loving your spouse or remaining faithful out of moral obligation don’t hold enough power, the following single tip can help to affair proof the marriage without the mumbo-jumbo:

Remember, your spouse knows where your family keeps the guns, knives, hammers, baseball bats, and other Improvised Blunt Traumatizers (IBTs), and you have to sleep sometime.

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Book Report: Hundred Dollar Baby by Robert B. Parker (2006)

This is the new Spenser novel, released this week. I read it. Atypically for me, I read it over the course of two nights. Normally, it only takes one, but I completed The Night Crew, so I didn’t get a good run at it.

This book is another one featuring April Kyle, also of Ceremony and Taming a Seahorse. Like the Paul Giacomin cycle, these are trilogies of sorts. This time, April Kyle is back in Boston and is running a franchise brothel for Patricia Utley. When some men come along and want to take the business away from her, she turns to Spenser.

He has to investigate to find out who the men are and why they’re after April’s business. He finds that everyone’s lying to him, including April, and has to hang in there to find out the real story.

It’s a pretty good book, I guess, but after 20 years, it’s very familiar; the Sandford book was different in that I didn’t know what to expect. With this one, I knew pretty much how it would go and realized the storyline pretty early. Still, I shall always be loyal and serve Robert B. Parker as my master.

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Book Report: The Night Crew by John Sandford (1997)

As you know, I have discovered that I like John Sandford’s novels; I’ve reviewed a couple of Kidd novels and a couple of the Lucas Davenport novels. Last week, I assembled a couple more book cases so I could spread out my to-read shelves (now comprising more thn three complete bookshelves), and this book emerged.

Within, a freelance news crew in LA works at night to find and film news. After one excursion in which they film an animal rights raid on a university lab and a jumper, someone starts shooting members of the crew. Someone seems obsessed with Anna, the leader of the group, and is killing the potential rivals in his sick pursuit of her.

Wow, you can sum books up pretty simply if you just tell the plot. Fortunately, this book has more to it; the main character has depth, the auxilliary characters have depth and individual agenda. I was interested in it and the book flowed nicely. It probably could even have done without the “eye of the mad criminal” inserts that Sandford threw in like eveyone does these days.

However, the climax was kinda tacked on and didn’t build any sort of excitement that made it worthwhile. A climactic shootout at a farmhouse. Ho hum. I actually put the book down in the middle of the drama and picked it up the next night. So the payoff could have been improved, but the denouement satisfied me.

So Sandford continues to prove worthy of the bucks I spend on his books. If I ever catch up with him, I might have to buy his books new, and that’s the best compliment I can give an author.

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True Urban Legend

In Octobers when the St. Louis Cardinals go deep into the playoffs, not only does the sales of Cardinals apparel spike in the Midwest, but sales of white clothing and underwear also spike as hundreds of thousands of Midwesterners wash their new apparel without bleeding it first.

It’s on the Internet, and you can take it to the bank.

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A Phrase Whose Time Has Gone

Attention all marketers, copywriters, and advertising folk:

Please, from this day forward, stop using the following phrase, because you obviously lack the logical skills required to infer the implication:

Second to None

I heard this phrase on the radio again today, and its earnest presenter assured me that a local grocery store’s pharmacy offered customer service that is second to none.

Oh, really, I thought; so the customer service presented by the cut-rate employees of the discount chain are actually not as good as when the store offers no customer service at all? I mean, that’s what none is; it’s the lack of the very thing offered, and when you say you’re second to none, that doesn’t mean that you’re first; it means that you’re lower than nothing at all.

Oh, I know, you’re going to try to convince me otherwise because you see the inherent logic in the clichés and catchphrases that you parrot in the pursuit of creativity, but really. Trust me, I have a degree in philosophy. You’re just wrong, and you can just as easily parrot some cliché or catchphrase that annoys me slightly less.

Thank you, that is all.

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Book Report: The Two Minute Rule by Robert Crais (2006)

Well, it’s been a year and a half since I read a Robert Crais novel (The Forgotten Man). I’d even forgotten this book existed, since it was behind a wall of unread books on my to read shelves. Now that I have a couple extra book cases, I have spread these books out, and it appeared.

I wasn’t that pleased with Crais’s later offerings leading up to this book, but I was very happy with this book. It centers on a convicted bank robber getting out and integrating into society. However, on the day before he gets out, his estranged son, an LAPD officer, is gunned down. The official story doesn’t make sense, and the ex-con turns to the FBI agent who put him away, now retired, for help.

Together, they try to find out why four police officers allowed someone to come up to them in a secluded riverbed without suspicion. They determine that the officers were looking for sixteen million dollars in unrecovered bank heist loot. Once they found it, a fifth man eliminated his partners. Someone in the police force wants the ex-con to be re-con to protect himself and his retirement.

The pace moves along well, the characters are interesting, and I rather liked the book. I got it as a gift from my beautiful wife, and it’s probably worth the money if you want to click the link below.

And based on this book, maybe I’ll even read any new Elvis Cole novels.

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Inventive Scam We Might Have Seen

SJ woman accused of house burglaries:

A 47-year-old unemployed San Jose woman allegedly has a broad definition of “open house.”

Police said today that they had arrested Susan Hjeltness on suspicion of stealing more than $200,000 worth of porcelain figurines, jewelry and other items after touring homes in the Silver Creek Valley Country Club area of San Jose during real-estate open houses and property showings.

Hjeltness, along with her 13-year-old son and an adult male companion, would pose as prospective buyers and tour homes, police said. They would steal items during the walkthrough or would unlock a door or window and return later, Detective Corey Green said.

When we were looking for our new house, we viewed one house a couple of minutes after the open house closed, and we found the back door unlocked. Was it another burglar in the same vein?

In either case, it was a realtor with a lack of attention to detail. Jeez.

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