So last year (he said in italics because it was only last week, but he runs a bit behind on blog posts and wanted to emphasize how behind he runs), I picked out this film on one of those “I want to watch something, but not something too weighty or important or, well, most of the things I’ve bought over the last 20 years” moments. Which differ from the “I want to watch this movie which I’m sure I own but cannot seem to find, so I doubt that I own it and think I’ve rented it or recorded it to the DVR back in the days when that was an option” moments which lead me to watching nothing at all. On Any Movie nights, I pick something out. Well, I do about half the time these days; the other half, I still think “Do I want to invest two and a half hours (counting wandering to the bathroom, to fold laundry, or whatnot breaks) in this film?” Well, kismet or something like it led me to this film a week ago. And the answer is (spoiler alert!), “Nah.”
So.
I bought this film in September 2023, so it’s not like it’s “First In, First Out,” although…. Yeah, with as many films as I watched in 2024, it kind of is. I bought it because it’s a Van Damme film, and I’ve watched one or two in my lifetime (Univeral Soldier, and…. okay, maybe one), and I was thinking about Steven Seagal films recently, and probably picked this film out (it’s not Under Siege or Under Siege 2: Dark Territory which I thought about after having watched Die Hard and Die Hard 2 this holiday season). Okay, yeah, so I hoped for an 80s action film or a 90s throwback, but no.
Van Damme plays a boxer from 1925 France (which explains his accent, badly) who is asked by Downton Abbey‘s Mr. Carson (with his French accent from Top Secret! intact)–well, he’s told to take a dive in the second round for a bunch of money. Mr. Carson, or the French gangster equivalent, has a moll who is Van Damme’s character’s former fiancéé (being this movie is set in Francé, thé éxtra apostrophés and accénts should bé éxpéctéd). But! Van Damme (forget the character dodge) does not take the dive! He knocks out the opponent, and he hopes to escape to America (frog, yeah!) with the girl. But! Pursued by the gangsters, he finds himself in the foreign legion’s recruiting office (staffed, of course, late at night). And he signs up to the foreign legion to escape.
So he ships off to North Africa, where he meets and gets on with, eventually, many different diverse types, from an American black man escaping from 1920s racism to bad Germans to Englishmen escaping their pasts and Italians trying to impress their girls families. UNFORTUNATELY! a photo from a newsman is seen in France by Dark Mr. Carson who sends killers to enlist in the Foreign Legion to find and kill Van Damme. AND! They catch up when Van Damme’s group is going to an outpost to defend it or be slaughtered by the Berbers or Barbers, whichever looks the least like Perry Como.
So! They march out there, get ambushed, have to trust each other, and all die except Van Damme whom the Berber leader says has “courage” and finis!
Wait, what?
Yeah, no, it ended abruptly. After the battle of Rorke’s Drift, uh, that cheap set, the credits roll. We don’t get any resolution of the triggering story, the boxer and the girl, but someone said she went to America (in the 1920s, not the 19th century, so not in colonial times, mate). No resolution with Deja Vu Dark Carson. Nothing past the speech that the West were occupiers in northern African (whose leaders kinda look Arabic) lands. Honestly, I thought the film was made a decade (or maybe but a half) later with a message that seemed anti-War on Terror. But I guess the message resonates among the “Western” entertainment industry past 1990 or so which thinks history starts somewhere in the (late?) 20th century and ignores all the part before we became the baddies according to popular culture.
So. Not a good film. Ech.
On the other hand, I have it on DVD, so I can watch it whenever I want. Which is ultimately less than once now that I have seen it.
