In the June 2003 issue of Esquire, Ilene Rosenzweig writes “10 Things You Don’t Know About Women” which offers the following sage advice:
10. Women judge men by the way they drive. If you aren’t at least ten miles per hour over the speed limit, we think you’re a wimp with no ambition. Heavy foot on the brake? Too neurotic and can’t dance. We also analyze your sexual potential at mealtime. Drive fast. Eat slow.
I’ve been looking for a new philosophy, so I decided this one was it: Drive fast. Eat slow. Especially when trying to impress a babe.
I conducted some surreptitious research on this new axiom while trying to impress a beautiful woman last weekend and can offer the following corollaries:
- Do not use the red four-cylinder “sports” car owned by the babe when proving you’re not a wimp and that you have ambition.
- When assertively and decisively changing lanes, remember to leave a distance approximately equivalent to the 6:15 Freight Express, that is, about four train cars and a locomotive, between you and the vehicle in front of you. Particularly if you’re driving the red “sports” car.
- Don’t utter, at about 85 dB, invectives to the other drivers.
You can call these the Brian J. Corollaries, if you wish, and you may use them at will in geometric proofs as necessary. Follow the corollaries as the axiom, and you will lead a more fulfilling life.
Oh, and one more hint, but this one doesn’t earn corollary status: order the couscous. You cannot eat couscous quickly without using a spoon.
