Random Junk Mail Quote of the Day

From an unsolicited packet, marked DELIVERY MONITORED! to appeal to paranoid occupants like me, advertising an air purifier:

Oxygen is nature’s beneficial element. It is what makes the sky blue. It is what nature uses to get rid of everything harmful on earth.

Well, oxygen is a key component in fire.

So this thing wants to pump ozone into your house to make your household air pure; it calls ozone “activated oxygen” and pretty much implies they’re throwing in an extra atom of oxygen into when you buy an atom of O2.

What the hey, have another quote:

The electronic spark ozone air purifiers use an electric spark to produce ozone. The electric spark produces oxides of nitrogen that form an acid in the air which is corrosive and toxic. The electric spark can cause explosions and it can interfere with radio and T.V. signals.

I understand explosions can also adversely impact radio and television reception by themselves.

Perhaps I should read more junk mail. It’s making my afternoon.

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Ding, Dong, Ditch, and Do Time

Kids arrested in Port Washington, Wisconsin, for Ding Dong Ditch.

So make sure you’re always on the stoop after you ring the bell, or they’ll get you for Attempted Ding Dong Ditch or Conspiracy to Commit Ding Dong Ditch. And if that’s not enough, they’ll make subsidiary charges like Wearing Sneakers During Commission of Ding Dong Ditch.

Because everything changed on 9/11.

Okay, I am done now.

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Contract and Constitutional Law Taught By Pacers Player

Professor O’Neal explains:

Indiana center Jermaine O’Neal said the NBA’s desire to put an age limit in the next collective bargaining agreement could be driven by racism.

“In the last two or three years, the rookie of the year has a been a high school player. There were seven high school players in the All-Star game, so why we even talking an age limit?” said O’Neal, who was drafted out of high school in 1996 by the Portland Trail Blazers.

“As a black guy, you kind of think that’s the reason why it’s coming up. You don’t hear about it in baseball or hockey. To say you have to be 20, 21 to get in the league, it’s unconstitutional. If I can go to the U.S. army and fight the war at 18, why can’t you play basketball for 48 minutes?”

Heh. And that’s a mean heh.

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Spot the Absurdity

No, I don’t mean the obvious absurdity of Illinois distributing scratch ‘n’ sniff cards so authoritarian figures can reference the scent of methamphetamine ingredients. No, look beyond it and find more subtle absurdity in the following:

The cards, when scratched, would emit the odor of anhydrous ammonia, an ingredient used in the methamphetamine production process that smells distinctively like cat urine. They would be distributed, by the Illinois State Police and the Board of Education, to teachers, school employees and day-care center employees to help them identify children who have been exposed to meth, the bill says.

“Most people haven’t smelled meth,” said state Rep. Michael P. McAuliffe, R-Chicago, who introduced the bill in late February, adding, “Not too many people know about this drug, and it’s everywhere.”

McAuliffe said last week that despite the rapid growth in meth use and production in Illinois, few people can detect the signs of addiction or exposure, particularly exposure to children. Many children, McAuliffe explained, live in homes where meth is produced or smoked and absorb the smell in their hair, skin and clothes.

“The teacher might say, ‘How many cats do you have at home?'” McAuliffe demonstrated. “The student could say, ‘We don’t have any cats.'”

Which is more patently nuts?

  • The paradox of this statement: “Not too many people know about this drug, and it’s everywhere.”
  • The thought of a child’s teacher sniffing the child’s hair and, if the teacher thinks the hair smells like this card, the authorities launch a full drug enforcement investigation, possibly culminating in no-knock raids with weapons out.

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Police Call 9/11

A Best Buy customer is handcuffed and taken to jail for paying with $2 bills, and the police call 9/11:

For Baltimore County police, said spokesman Bill Toohey, “It’s a sign that we’re all a little nervous in the post-9/11 world.”

That’s right. Overly aggressive and inappropriate police behavior threatening to cause a stain on the public trust? Just call 9/11!

(Link seen on Instapundit.)

UPDATE: John Cole had the same thought.

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Book Report: Needlepoint on Plastic Canvas by Elisabeth Brenner De Nitto (1978)

All right, so I read this book; I even bought it, although I couldn’t tell you if I bought it at a garage sale or very cheaply at a used bookstore. I bought it, though, because I’ve done needlepoint on plastic mesh before and will do so again before they stop me. Besides, once purchased, it was on my to-read shelves and represented an easy browse to removal. So I flipped through it enough to satisfy my interia criteria for having read a book, and now I’m reporting on it.

The book includes a number of projects one can do with needlepoint taking advantage of the new plastic mesh canvas which apparently came on the marketplace at about that time; the book lists several suppliers and brand names. Now, I walk into Walmart and just buy whatever cheap sheets my Walton cousins stock. But back in the day, undoubtedly this was the hot new technology, like .NET for crafters. The introduction chapter talks about the transition from fabric canvas, and I laughed out loud when I realized that I took for granted a two-step stitch–once down through the canvas and once up–to which fabric crafters, who were used to folding the canvas for a single-step stitch, would have to adjust.

Undoubtedly, Lileks could do a number on the patterns in this book, but I won’t; I will, however, comment that my mother was a Creative Circle representative, and she used to hold Tupperware-style parties to sell patterns, yarns, kits, and whatnot to housewives. This was almost thirty years ago, in the early 1980s, and I remember a certain number of craftesque gifts exchanged and some crafty things around the house and the houses of people whom I visited. Is it just me, or is the number of home-crafted things in decline? I don’t know many of my generation/peerage who sew or do crafts. Acourse, we’re all geeks who spin yarns called computer programs and the assorted effluvia of the IT industry, so perhaps my perspective is skewed.

So what did this book gain me? I have a listing of other stitches I can use on plastic canvases. I don’t think I’ll use the patterns within it, nor did they particularly fire my imagination for projects. I did, however, finish book #31 for the year, and I still have the collection of Dick Tracy cartoons in reserve for if I fall behind my desired pace.

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Step 3: (Government) Profit!

So we’re driving north on Interstate 39 in the middle of Illinois when there arises from the plain an almost unearthly sight. Dozens of towers break the horizon, each with spinning blades:

Wind farm near Paw Paw, Illinois

I don’t remember those spires from my frequent trips up the highway, and sure enough, they’re new:

Step 1: Anything innovative that moves human progress forward.
Step 2: …
Step 3: (Government) Profit!:

It really wouldn’t surprise many La Salle County officials if a wind farm sprung up on someone’s property in the county within the next couple years.

So in an effort to plan ahead and gather more revenue, county development committee officials Friday agreed to add a $25-per-foot inspection fee for all towers built in the county into its proposed commercial, industrial and multifamily building code ordinance.

“We need to do something quick-like because they’ll be here before we know it,” said committee member Richard Foltynewicz (D-Ottawa).

Because La Salle County officials have seen the construction of a wind farm in neighboring Lee County, they’ve gotten ahead of the curve and want to implement the tax before they actually have anything to tax.

Oh, sorry, it’s a $25-per-foot inspection fee. An arbitrary number that doesn’t account for the amount of time an inspector would have to spend on the site nor on the actual productivity of the wind farm or profitability of the company collecting the energy. No, it’s on the height of the windmill, which makes about as much sense as taxing a company based on the number of letters in its name.

So keep that in mind, gentle reader, whereas your elected officials want you to think they share your goals for cheap, renewable energy and less dependence on foreign oil, they really do, but they have their priorities. And the top of the list is getting more of that sweet, sweet tax money that will hinder progress and which will eventually come from your pockets.

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You Might Be a Felon If….

(Inspired by this book and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy….)

  • If you have ever poured a cleaning agent or solvent down your drain without first consulting the Material Safety Data Sheet and EPA regulations….you might be a felon.
  • If you have ever told a law enforcement official that you have committed a crime, even if you were joking or being a smart ass…..you might be a felon.
  • If you have ever put a sack of potting soil in a flowerbed before checking with the Army Corps of Engineers to find out if you’re on an officially-designated wetland…..you might be a felon.
  • If you have ever had trouble with a Federal form so you call their helpline and they tell you which box to check and you turn it in, but the helpline people were wrong….you might be a felon.
  • If you are a doctor and your receptionist’s 1s look too much like 7s to a Medicare data entry clerk…..you might be a felon.
  • If you have ever displayed a pellet or BB gun in such a fashion that someone can see it…..you might be a felon.

If only it were a comedy routine and not the law of the land.

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The Bray Dissent

Missouri State Senator Joan Bray (D-University City) also dissents from Go Directly to Jail by wanting to make a felony crime in the state of Missouri to not disclose a criminal record when getting a mail order bride:

Missouri men seeking a “mail-order bride” from a foreign country might soon have to disclose their criminal records and previous marriages to the prospective fiancee.

A bill before the Legislature would require the full and accurate disclosure of such information. The measure would apply equally to a woman who sought a husband from another country. A violation would be a felony.

The bill, sponsored by Sen. Joan Bray, D-University City, is an attempt to stop the abuse of foreign women who suddenly find themselves in a strange country married to violent men.

A ham-fisted attempt which probably wouldn’t protect that many foreign women in a strange country married to violent men. But hey, felonies don’t cost anything to legislate!

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The Sensenbrenner Dissent

Apparently, congressman F’n Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI) dissents with the themes in Go Directly to Jail as he wants to pass a law that mandates show a boob on television, go to Federal prison:

Rep. F. James Sensenbrenner III, R-Wis., told cable industry executives attending the National Cable & Telecommunications Assn. conference here on Monday that criminal prosecution would be a more efficient way to enforce the indecency regulations.

“I’d prefer using the criminal process rather than the regulatory process,” Sensenbrenner told the executives.

You know, perhaps I could support the concept if we extended the definition of boob to publicity hound, power-mad elected official.

Also, perhaps this explains Sensenbrenner’s strong anti-immigration stance. He wants to save them from indecency on American television.

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Book Report: Go Directly to Jail: The Criminalization of Almost Everything edited by Gene Healy (2004)

As some of you know, I recently bought this book on Amazon for like full price because its description indicated the book echoed themes I’ve raised before on this blog. And so it does.

Some people get a chill from horror novels. I’m working on Stephen King’s It, and a killer clown in the sewers bothers me less than The Three Billy Goats Gruff did back in the day. When I want to self-impose fear, I pick up a book like this.

The book runs 150 pages, which includes extensive end notes. It comprises an introduction and six essays. The essays do tend to focus on crimes that companies or more powerful people could commit–environmental crimes, medical crimes, violations of business laws. Of course, these sorts of crimes would certainly interest the contributors to the CATO Institute, who put this book together. Although I’m not planning to do any industrial dumping, the implications of these new classes of crimes frightened me enough when I realized that charges for these crimes can apply to the individual as well as the corporation if a prosecutor or law enforcement official wants them to do so. Black magick.

Two other essays in the book deal with:

  • Project Exile, which allowed for federal enforcement of gun law violations; although I started the essay disagreeing with the premise that Project Exile was bad (hey, how could it be bad to keep guns from felons?), the essay convinced me. The government’s goal is worthy, but its tactics are frightening. Spending federal money to hire federal prosecutors to prosecute essentially local crimes and do nothing else leads to creative, aggressive pursuit of the goal. High conviction rates don’t necessarily mean success; they could mean creative application of the process and law in pursuit of the goal.
  • Federal Sentencing Guidelines, the Byzantine set of documentation that dictates how federal judges must impose sentences based on complex computations established by an unelected commission. The essay explains how this came about and its effects, including creative fact-bargaining and prosecutors holding back evidence from the trial to present during sentencing to increase the perpetrator’s time.

The book didn’t touch too much on layering–the prosecution of the same crime at many levels of government–although it did mention it. Also, it didn’t touch on nonsense measures that outlaw things that offend vocal minorities, hate crimes, or the criminalization of non-criminal acts that criminals sometimes perform as precursor or part of another crime. Perhaps it’s just as well this book didn’t take on those topics; I’m having enough trouble sleeping as it is.

Tone of the book is reasoned essay, unlike stream-of-consciousness screeds you get out of popular broadcast journalists who write political books. These essays build cases and take their time to get to the conclusion. Many of them are actually condensed from longer pieces. So it’s not a quick read, but it’s a thoughtful book, and since it’s only 150 pages, it’s a good week of reading.

Now I’ve read the book, I just need to be an influential about the ideas presented.

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Cross Checking the Cross Section

Support grows for beefing up U.S. forces: Some see situations where volunteers may not be enough

The lead:

The war-strained all-volunteer U.S. military has a growing manpower problem and a cross-section of Washington policymakers has proposed a solution — increase the size of the regular military by 30,000, 40,000 or even 100, 000 or more.

While just about all the proponents maintain they want to achieve the increase by offering recruits bigger financial incentives or through appeals to patriotism, lurking in the background is a possibility that for now remains anathema to all but a few. The military draft, which coughed up its last conscript in 1973, could make a comeback if recruiting doesn’t pick up and if America’s commitments in Iraq and Afghanistan turn into long-term occupations or if the Bush administration’s tough-minded foreign policy means military action in places like Iran or North Korea.

Edward Epstein, Chronicle Washington Bureau, writer of this piece begins blurring the line early; the first paragraph is about increasing the size of the army, and the second draws its circle, shakes its depacapitated chicken, and reanimates THE DRAFT!!!

So while Edward Epstein, Chronicle Washington Bureau, tries to confuse his readers by lumping those who want a bigger military in with those who want a draft, let me help by breaking them out:

Wants a Draft/Thinks Draft Might Be Necessary:

  • Rep Charles Rangel, D-N.Y., and Rep. Pete Stark, D-Fremont — both military veterans — want all 19-year-olds to do a year or two of national service.
  • “The argument for a draft is political hot air,” said Daniel Goure, a military analyst at the Lexington Institute, a Washington think tank that supports a smaller role for the federal government.

    But he warned that if the Iraq occupation drags on, other foreign military operations are launched and a half-million more soldiers are needed, “I don’t think we can get there without a draft.”

  • But Phillip Carter, a retired Army captain who is now a lawyer, writer and commentator on military affairs, said there may be little choice but to reinstate conscription. “The all-volunteer model can’t produce the numbers that might be needed,” he said.

    He favors the national service idea, and says that in his vision those who opt for military service would only serve as military police, truck drivers or in homeland security posts.

Those Who Want Bigger Military:

  • Sens. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb. and Jack Reed, D-R.I., have proposed adding 30,000 soldiers to the Army.
  • Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., has proposed a 30,000-person increase in the Army and 10, 000 to the Marines….
  • …and Rep. Ellen Tauscher, D-Walnut Creek, wants to add some 20,000 to the Army, 12,000 to the Marine Corps and 29,000 to the Air Force.
  • A bipartisan group put together by the Project for the New American Century, a group that reflects the thinking of the neoconservatives who have been so influential in determining President Bush’s military and foreign policies, sent a letter to congressional leaders in late January. In it, the signatories wrote, “it is our judgment that we should aim for an increase in the active duty Army and Marine Corps, together, of at least 25,000 troops each year over the next several years.”

So although many people have called for more military personnel, a far smaller number of people have called for a draft. Several quotable notables in the article say it will be tough to maintain or to elevate force levels. However, only one person in the article seems adamant that the draft is a real danger.

Edward Epstein, Chronicle Washington Bureau.

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Lead Recall Effort for Alderman, Get Sued

A controversial St. Louis Alderman, facing a recall, sues the leaders of the recall effort for defamation:

A petition to remove Bauer from office is gaining momentum, even as Bauer levels a $2 million suit against the organizers. Records show that Bauer himself has profited from development in the ward. While the deal appears not to have violated any rules, some of Bauer’s colleagues frown on investing in their own ward because of the potential for conflict.

The alderman defends himself:

For his part, Bauer says he is the target of a “civil conspiracy” spreading lies to besmirch his name.

“There are some people who have a personal agenda – they want to prevent good things from happening in Dogtown,” Bauer said.

A civil conspiracy? Is that the new euphemism for accountability to voters and elections in the parlance of the Elect(ed), who feel they should be above reproach?

I fully expect this lawsuit to be dismissed (SLAPPed down, as it were), but I imagine its headlines will have a chilling effect on some opposition as the lawsuit gets big fonts but the dismissal does not.

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Steyn: On Hewitt’s Side!

As if there were any doubt, Mark Steyn is firmly on Hugh Hewitt’s side and doesn’t recognize the danger in which the Republican party finds itself:

The notion, for example, that poor Terri Schiavo will cost Republicans votes in a year and a half’s time is ludicrous.

It’s not the principled stand on life that will cost the Republicans; it’s the intrusion of the Federal government into a private matter, with eleventh hour legislation to move a single case to Federal court because the party in power in the Federal legislature did not like the outcome of the state courts.

No, I would have preferred to see Schiavo’s husband turn her care over to her parents (hey, and I wouldn’t have even condemned him for taking a million bucks for it). I’d rather Terry Schiavo continue her hopeless existence unheralded in a Florida hospice into perpetuity, in the obscurity in which most people with functioning brains toil. But if her guardian felt she would not have wanted to wither and die over the course of decades she would never know passed, then so be it; he could end the extraordinary measures continuing her life (a feeding tube is an extraordinary measure; if you doubt it, count the number you see on an ordinary day). But you know what? I and many like me recognized it’s not our business. It’s not clearly, obviously murder nor is it "forced starvation" it’s not forced feeding.

But the party for whom I vote most of the time on a Federal level has determined that Terri Schiavo’s life and death are its business. Therein lies the disparity, the cleft which shall yield a schism in the bloc that re-elected George W. Bush and has continued to send a Republican majority to Congress. It’s not a culture of life versus a culture of choice, it’s the culture of my business versuse the culture of “Hey, we’re in power now, so maybe it is the Federal government’s business since the Federal government is ours.”

Call them the pro-Federal-Business wing of the Republican party. I won’t call them theocrats because that’s not the issue; from whatever source they derive their beliefs, I care not. I do care that they’re using the mechanisms of federal government to impose them on everyone.

Supporters of the Republican Federal Steamroller (RFS, blogosphere, if you want a nifty abbreviation) chortle and ask me if I’m going to vote for John Kerry or Hillary Rodham Clinton in 2008. No, I won’t.

I will vote for the stronger foreign policy candidate for president in 2008. That’s the proper role of the president; to handle foreign policy.

The real danger to your Republican hegemony comes in 2006 and 2008 for the legislative branch of government. Because quite frankly, I am so disappointed with what the Republicans are doing in Congress that I will probably vote for the Libertarian candidate, however nutso and unqualified. And if the loss of my vote leads to a Democratic Congress, perhaps the Republicans can relearn their lesson and return to small government, Contract With Americaesque stylings. At least a Republican president won’t give the Democrat congress everything their socialist heart desires, so we won’t be much worse off than we are now.

If the worst case scenario occurs, and I help elect a Democrat congress and the Republicans cheese off voters who don’t recognize the proper role of the president to elect Clinton II (The Restoration), undoubtedly Hewitt, Steyn, et al., will blame me and my None-Of-My-Business-and-Especially-None-of-the-Federal-Government’s-Business brethen for the potential disasters ahead–National Health Care, National This, National That, International Law, Loss of Sovereignity, and so forth–without recognizing the role they played as cheerleaders to the Absolutely-Corrupted-By-Absolute-Power bunch we sent to Washington in 2004.

No, all damnation will be reserved for the libertarian conservatives who just wanted the Federal government to handle national things. That the Federal government wanted to dictate what a single individual would eat–PVS or not–won’t cross the minds of the small-government-conservatives-until-in-power legislators and their cheerleaders.

So be it. I cannot wait until 2006 so I can cast my vote.

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Unspoken Footnote

Here’s a piece of on-product advertising from Frito-Lay:

Lay's Stax Promo

The text:

America prefers the taste of Lay’s Stax® Original Potato Crisps Over Pringles® Original Potato Crisps**

Taste for Yourself!

** Among those with a preference

Among those with a preference? You mean amongst the thirty people outside of Lay’s who have heard of the canned Lay’s? Wow, that’s some bandwagon there.

In a related note, America prefers Musings from Brian J. Noggle to Pop-Up Mocker**

** Among those with a preference and who know what a “blog” is and who have heard of either of the aforementioned bottom-feeding blogs.

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Call Europe the Amusement Park Socialismland

Pensioner ordered to cut the grass

A pensioner who took his daughter and son-in-law to court to force them to cut his grass has been forced to do it himself.

Paul Mueller, 72, argued he was too old to cut the lawn at the house he shared with daughter Karin and her husband Peter Hoffer.

He went to court to get them to take on the job at the house in Bonn, Germany.

But the plan backfired when the court ruled that the pensioner should be responsible for cutting the grass.

If he fails to do the job, his daughter, 43, is allowed to hire a professional gardener and make the old man pay the bill.

I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. I suppose I could do both: I could laugh at the absurdity of this silly Eurocrat idea, and cry because I realize by the time I am 72, the situation could be such in this country that I might have to sue my own damn kid to mow the schnucking lawn and lose.

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