Lazy Fare

SFGate.com has a story featuring Carly Fiorina, head of Hewlett-Packard-Compaq-Digital, telling the information technology professionals who are watching their profession awaken after the party that was the Internet boom and stagger into the developing world for a quick bit of relief from burgeoning labor costs. Fiorina says:

“There is no job that is America’s God-given right anymore.”

Right on, sister. Capitalism keeps our prices down as consumers, so as long as we continue to adapt as producers, we can continue buying stuff and make the whole world go around. I’m all for that, because I realize once all the jobs are overseas, the board of directors will realize CEOs will be cheaper over there, too. No, no, they tell themselves, it won’t happen to us…. just like the myopic IT career counselors told their charges in the 1990s.

But that’s the way business works, and society and government ought to let the businesses do their thing. I’m with you, Carly. Of course, I wouldn’t invest money in that sinking ship you’re piloting towards the crumbling glacier, but I’m with you.

Well, no, I’m not. Because the solutions she proposes are not laissez-faire capitalism solutions:

They outlined a list of objectives, including a doubling of federal spending on basic research in U.S. universities. Barrett derided Washington’s decision to spend as much as $40 billion a year on farm subsidies and just $5 billion on basic research in the physical sciences.

“I have a real degree of difficulty with the fact that we are spending some five to eight times as much on the industry of the 19th century than we are on the industry of the 21st century,” Barrett said.

The executives also urged a national broadband policy to allow more homes and businesses to quickly take advantage of high-speed data networks, much as Japan and Korea have done.

They also called for dramatic improvements in K-12 education in the United States, saying schools act more to block budding math and science students than to foster them.

Federal government should start throwing money to the technical industry the same way it throws money to all industry. Fiorina and her buddies don’t want laissez-faire capitalism. They want crony capitalism and are auditioning for the roles of “cronies.”

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Thank Goodness Software “Engineers” Aren’t Civil Engineers

Otherwise, we would see this in the defect tracker:

Defect # 102033
Title: Striking bridge support at speed greater than 60 mph causes bridge to collapse
Severity: Critical
Problem: If a driver strikes a support beneath the overpass while exceeding approximately 60 miles per hour, the support will buckle and the entire span and bridge will collapse, killing the driver of the car that struck the support, the passengers, and any people passing over the bridge when the support is struck.

To recreate:

1. Drive northbound in car at 62 mph.
2. Guide car into support.

Support should not buckle nor should the bridge collapse when struck by such a light object at such a low rate of speed.

Status: REJECTED
Developer’s Note: In a real-world scenario, users would not deviate from the approved workflow by crossing the yellow line that demarcates the edge of the roadway. Also note that posted speed limits are 60 mph, so users would not exceed this posted limit.
Project Manager’s Note: Rejection approved. Add to construction notes document.

Thank goodness we keep these madmen in ill-lit cubicle cells where they can only harm information and not real people.

Ahhhhh…… Information-systems-industry-venom sacs emptied…..

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Step Five: Classified

Fark led me to a set of helpful tips about how to handle giving your old computer to someone else. Here’s a summary of what Kim Komando, noted radio computer “expert,” suggests as steps or protocols for what you can do to safeguard personal information you might have on the P.C.:

    1. Don’t want a big hassle? Give the computer to a trusted employee, friend or family member.
    2. Reformat the hard drive and re-install the operating system.
    3. Buy software and overwrite the disk, again and again and again.
    4. You’re totally paranoid, so get out the acetylene torch.

That’s it, Komando? That’s all you have? What about step 5?

If you don’t know what Protocol 5 is, you’re not totally paranoid.

I guess not everyone can afford an atom-smasher in the basement.

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META Group Recommends Mind Wipes At Exit Interview

The META Group, a bunch of people marketing themselves as people you can pay to think for you, alerts us to this great danger – Camera-Enabled Phones Pose Significant Liability for Most Enterprises, Warns META Group:

STAMFORD, Conn. (December 9, 2003) — With the cost of adding cameras to mobile phones becoming marginal ($2-$5 per phone), META Group, Inc. (Nasdaq: METG), expects the majority of phones to include this capability within two to three years. However, for many organizations, cameras represent a significant liability or security risk — such as inappropriate candid shots of employees, pictures of production lines.

While the quality of most cameras in current phones is poor, it nonetheless represents a potential channel for leaks of sensitive data or other images that can produce unintended consequences. META Group recommends setting up a clear policy of no camera-enabled phones.

While META Group invites any of you with change in your pockets to visit its Web site for a vigorous upturning and shaking called its “high-value” approach to generating quotable blather, META Group does not address the similar dangers of disposable cameras, regular cameras, or human memory that can also capture and transmit proprietary information to your world-class, best-in-class, best-of-breed enterprise caliber solution’s competition. But none of these buzzwords would yield hits in a current search for “relevant” news. Which is what META Group’s really trying to do, to get you, a key decision maker in your organization, to look at them like a precocious child who can recite poetry it doesn’t understand.

Look in wonder, friends. I wonder who pays these guys, and if I can get in on the grift.

(Link seen on Hans’s site.)

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Today’s Object Lessons

Courtesy of the Everquest players who killed Kerafyrm, The Sleeper, an “unkillable” monster designed to be the end of the EverQuest world or something. Players should not have been able to kill it, you see. Seems that the Sony development team gave the beast 10 billion hit points, a bunch of invulnerabilities, and an unbelieveable regeneration rate, and 200 players teamed up to do the impossible. Much to Sony’s chagrin.

Lessons to be learned:

  • Developers:
    Don’t even tell me about “Functions As Designed.” Just because you think that no user would do what you believe is improbable doesn’t mean he or she will not. If you need something to be impossible to kill, make it impossible to kill. If I tell you it’s possible to enter bad data into the database, don’t tell me that a user wouldn’t enter bad data. He or she will, and your faulty application allowed it.

  • Everyone:
    Out there on the Internet, there are a lot of patient people with lots of time that they can spend probing, prodding, and investigating vulnerabilities. They have more infinity than you do. Close your ports, and good luck to you.

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Mark of the Beast?

Applied Digital has announced a new service to allow consumers to pay for merchandise using microchips implanted under their skins. Shidoshi, you might ask, should I worry about the implications of this for my own personal paranoia?

No, student, this is a false alarm. Applied Digital is a corporation in its last throes of death, but it yet retains a marketing department or a piece of software that generates press releases on a regular basis. Because the company features a chip that goes under the skin, its press releases receive a lot of play in the trades when they want to shock or titilate the public.

Implanting payment methods or identification will never become prevalent.

You should worry, instead, about the reasons why the powers that want to be won’t need you to undergo elective surgery to track you.

Meditate on’t, child.

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You Can Hire 5 Off Shore Developers for the Price Of 1 American

Just remember to keep an eye on the extradition treaties, or else you might find your software available for download on the Internet.

(Link seen on Fucked Company. I read it every single day, which explains why the first line of John Donnelly’s Gold is “Robert Davies tried to log onto FuckedCompany.com, and he could not, and he knew he was fucked.” Werd.)

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That Sums It Up Nicely

The last line of this story, about a principal at a charter school who uses RFID in the student IDs to keep track of the children, really sums it up properly. To address the concerns of the critics who think this might be problematic and invade the privacy of the students, he says:

“It’s as private as anything else can be when your information is stored on a server,” he said.

Anyone here who would accept that as a valid answer, please send me an e-mail with the reasons why that’s okay. Be sure to add your social security number and mother’s maiden name for validation purposes. Thank you.

(Link seen on /..)

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It Only Takes Me So Long

So it’s only taken me some what, two years, to notice this, but now that I have, it’s under there. Every day when I reboot, bam! It’s in my face:

Based on NT Technology. Windows NT Technology. Windows New Technology Technology.

Sure, it’s not as egregious as PIN Number on an ATM Machine, but come couldn’t you buy better with billions of dollars? I’m only fifty an hour, werd.

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Buzzword of the Day: Sanity Check

So I am minding my company’s business (since I was on the clock, by terms of the employee licensing agreement I signed when I started, any business conducted on company property is company business, so you won’t catch me selling on eBay things and adding to the company’s revenue stream, werd), when I heard the most blatant buzzword since a couple of jobs ago when I heard a project manager say face time without a smirk on his face. This time, it was a project manager, too, who probably heard the phrase in a project management seminar or took it from a project management magazine, where it was nestled in between the ads for project management software.

This buzzword:

Sanity check

The context: “We’ll perform a sanity check.” I think he meant evaluate the position of the project vis-à-vis (Author’s note: This use of the italicized French term does not represent a “buzzword”; instead, it’s pretension. Please note and appreciate the difference. Thank you.) contractual obligations and customer considerations. However, because it’s the first time I ever heard of a “sanity check,” I can only guess this is what he meant.

From whence did this asylum-escapee of a buzzword originate? Never mind, perhaps the bedlam of the information technology field needs buzzwords and common cues from the world of psychology.

You want a sanity check? Here’s a schnucking sanity check:

Now, take a look at this, tell me what you see, and I can diagnose your particular sickness. What is it you see in this picture?

    I see a leading enterprise-caliber best-in-class solution for….

      Obviously, you’re delusional, and you work in sales or marketing.

    I’m not sure; let me call a meeting to discuss with others what I might see.

      Welcome to project management. Worst part is that after the meeting, you’ll still be unclear about what you see.

    Whoa, that’s a cool new technology/specification that’s not mature yet! We should tear down the complete infrastructure and rebuild all applications and server components to use this new design

      You’re a developer, and heaven help us all, but an influential or lead developer. Here we go again.

    I see a series of lines and arcs that I can understand and describe in elaborate detail.

      You’re apparently in documentation. Don’t bother trying to describe the picture for me. By the time you’re three-fourths of the way through your description, one of those lead developers described above will shake up the Etch-a-Sketch and you’ll have to start over.

    It’s a damn mess. A boondoggle. What am I supposed to do with that? There’s nothing about that that even resembles a picture. Tell me you’re not shipping that out in a frame, for crying out loud.

      Welcome to Quality Assurance. Now please be quiet, we’ve heard enough from you.

You know the worst part about “sanity check”? Not only is it a buzzword, but it’s an inappropriate buzzword because it assumes there’s some sanity to check.

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The E-Mails Were Right

I have increased the size of my unit by 4 inches!!!!

Well, I have finally replaced the 15″ monitor with a honking 19″ flat screen model. I’d promised myself one once I finished my novel, but it’s taken me a year to get around to it.

Not to channel Ravenwood or anything, but man, I remember when our color televisions grew to 19″.

And our mothers wouldn’t let us sit this close to them, much less for 10+ hours a day.

Ha, ma! Joke’s on you, huh?
Oh, sorry, ma’am, you looked like my mother until I got within six inches of you.

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Wait Till I Bring The Heat Gun Into The Office

A link via Instapundit leads me to this story. Although it’s about the fallilbility of voting machines, the author thinks the voting machines should be subject to the same sort of scrutiny as electronic slot machines:

One such outside auditor is Gaming Laboratories International (GLI). To certify a new device, or even a software upgrade, vendors send GLI all of the source code, all of the tools needed to build the code, maybe a development computer, and even an in-circuit emulator if that’s how you debugged your code. Expensive? You bet. Accurate? It sure seems to be.

GLI tears the design apart, digs into the guts, finds back doors impossible to isolate via testing and ensures the customer will lose by exactly the amount specified. Tests check both functionality and threat resistance. Technicians zap every square inch of the gaming machine with a 27 KV prod – because cheaters often try to rip off the devices using ESD to confuse the electronics. GLI jimmies the coin box, and generally simulates all of the attacks observed by those hidden cameras in the casino’s roof. That’s regression testing of a whole new order.

That’s the right way to conduct your quality assurance testing. I wonder if GLI is hiring? I figure the logical progression for my career is to cause actual physical damage. Maybe UL needs a thug.

Regardless, while my resume travels in the mail, I am inspired to bring in a heat gun to work tomorrow to see how the application works when I am flipping bits.

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Thank You for the Head’s Up

Alert reader “Martin Simmons” (I assume he’s a reader, since I got this message in my Hotmail box which I make available for you, gentle readers) sends me this warning:

From : “Martin Simmons”
To : stlbrianj@hotmail.com
Subject : Stlbrian j – Porn found on YOUR computer!
Date : Sun, 21 Sep 2003 03:43:36

MIME-Version: 1.0
Received: from ([67.167.16.201]) by mc5-f10.hotmail.com with Microsoft SMTPSVC(5.0.2195.5600); Sun, 21 Sep 2003 03:38:39 -0700
X-Message-Info: JGTYoYF78jEmAVs0XODqK3fTx/8P7QHe
X-Message-Info: ALYqAGt3oIELxgQxtYO3XDTcnoQ7gxpN1lk7V

X-Message-Info: lcOMLY2qAGOtx3wIEXLgQ5tcYa3DTnQ5gzpl1A5
Message-Id: <20030921433636.hD5lb9HMWuZjMe@>
Return-Path: gpdqzcl@canada.com
X-OriginalArrivalTime: 21 Sep 2003 10:38:39.0772 (UTC) FILETIME=[852CADC0:01C3802C]

zvEach web site you SEE is STORED ON YOUR COMPUTER!pgsgt
mchkvCleaning Cache or History DOES NOT stop snooping!snx
syjxsPROTECT YOUR PC – DO IT INSTANTLYpcnbj

Thanks for the warning, buddy. I’m sorry I didn’t reproduce your link for my readers, where undoubtedly they could click to replace their porn with your Trojan Horse, but you’ll probably get enough zombies out of your mailing to make it worth your time without any of us.

Also, please note that I don’t want to get rid of the porn on my computer. It’s taken me a long time to collect what I have, and it’s schnucking hard to find good hot girl-dressed-as-a-clown-on-cypress photos anyway. Who knows when I would get a chance to replace them?

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