Category: Life

First, Subway eliminated its frequent customer reward program.

Now, according to Michelle at A Small Victory, its European outlets are promoting the “documentary” Super Size Me.

Crass. Very crass, Subway.

The Meatriarchy Guy, the anti-vegetarian icon, has ponders his match: a six pound burger.

On a bottle of Sea Breeze Oily Skin Astringent:

Deep Cleans Excess Oil Down To The Pores

I am no dermatologist, but I had not realized that one should deep clean the oil on one’s face. I was under the mistaken impression that all oil was bad oil, but apparently it’s dirty oil that causes acne. Given that, would Sea Breeze go so far as to recommend oil changes for one’s face? After, say, three months or thirty scowls and smiles?

Wherein our hero copes with life in a large household while his wife enjoys business-related adventures in Buffalo, New York.

“Crap! I can’t get the garlic bread residue off of this cookie sheet! Wait a minute….Heather will never miss one cookie sheet….”

Join us for our thrilling next adventure, when our hero tries to find a new cookie sheet with which to replace the new contents of his garbage can. Where do you buy cookie sheets? Like, Best Buy is all out of them…..

A hearty, hey, yer knuckleheads to the folks at the Home Handyman Club of America, whose membership I am abandoning since it managed to lose my subscription renewal a couple years ago, and then promptly sent me books I refused and for which they continued to bill me.

As a new example of its genius, it has sent me a professionally-printed envelope that instructs those suckers seeking to renew to enclose the invoice so that the club address appears in the window on the other side. The problem? It’s not printed on a window envelope. All the better for our recycling bin.

Man, I am glad I never had these handy fellows over to help me do anything to my house.

The headline on the Maxim article is Be Her Boy Toy and the lead is:

Younger guys and older women: Why should Ashton and Justin have all the fun? Rosie Amodio explains the benefits of Mrs. Robinsons…and how to score one.

Mrs. Robinsons? Hardly. Let’s count the rings on some of these “older” women:

• Like lots of girls my age, I’ve had a stud puppy. I was 26, he was 21.
• “Sure, when I dated a 30-year-old, I tried to act more sophisticated. I dressed well, held doors, bought her flowers, wore cologne,” says Benjamin, 23.
• The first time Billy and I had sex, I was the boss,” says Jane, 29.
• “A guy I dated picked me up in the cheesiest way. He said he’d been watching me all night but was intimidated because I seemed worldly and stylish,” says Luanne, 31.

Holy Hebe, Tulsa, those older women are younger than we are. I know, I am cherry-picking the ages by highlighting the oldest, but let’s see what we have in the senior citizen category from the article:

• “I dated this 25-year-old who was such a party boy,” says Jane, 35.
• “Once we went out, flirted all night, and didn’t even make it back to my place,” says Karina, 36.
• “It’s a mental rush to date some 23-year-old guy, but it’s weird if it goes on for too long,” says Jenny, 36.

Cripes, Tulsa, they’re still the same age as Grandpa Doug, who’s 36. You ever get the feeling we’re not exactly the people whom Hugo Boss seeks in his ads anymore? I mean, I’m about ready to bust out of the Hot or Not 26-32 age group. I guess we’re getting old.

Man, I can even remember changing fax machine paper rolls. Better hike my Dickies up another couple inches.

(Link seen on Fark. Those damn kids better get off my lawn!)

Anyone who wishes you a happy Fourth of July misses the point. It’s not the calendar date that’s important.

Via A Small Victory, we have this interesting little meandering down memory lane. Where where you when:

1. Where were you when you heard that Ronald Reagan died?

   I heard he was ailing on my way down to my aunt’s house for a garage sale; I read he died later that night when I got home.

2. Where were you on September 11, 2001?

   At work. The Internet news sites got very slow, and as I walked to get some coffee, I heard a radio in another office with news of a plane disaster in New York. Within an hour, much of the company had gathered in a conference room to watch the only television in our offices, Peter Jennings the condescending Canadian our only available station through the wire serving as the television’s antenna.

3. Where were you when you heard that Princess Diana died?

   I don’t know, and I don’t care. That particular bit of trivia doesn’t matter to me.

4. Do you remember where you were when you heard Kurt Cobain had died?

   No.

5. Take one for The Gipper: What’s your favorite flavor of jelly bean?

   Mint? Licorice? I don’t favor them.

6. Where were you when Magic Johnson announced he was retiring from the NBA due to AIDS?

   I don’t know, and I don’t care. That particular bit of trivia doesn’t matter to me.

7. Where were you when Reagan was shot?

   Carleton Elementary School, 41st and Silver Spring, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. When I got home, it was on television. I knew it was important, but didn’t know why. I was 9.

8. Where were you when the Challenger exploded?

   Eighth grade study hall at North Jefferson Junior High School in Murphy, Missouri. A couple selected students each day got to go use the Commodore 64 computers in the back of the library, and they saw it on a small television back there. I was not one of them, but the news filtered to the rest of the study hall. It was announced over the loudspeaker in 6th hour, when I was sitting in Ms. Smith’s math class.

9. Where were you when the 0J verdict was announced?

   Working as an assistant editor at The Paint Dealer magazine, I was working on a Macintosh, compiling the magazine’s first annual directory of paint and sundries distributors. Small office, one room shared with the director of distribution, the associate editor, the advertising saleswoman, and me, so there was much discussion. Actually, it was just the director of distribution pontificating, but she could really fill the air.

There you have it.

If you can have Christmas in July, you can damn sure have Veteran’s Day in June. Since Cori Dauber has commented on the fact that many journalists do not know anyone in the military, I want to specifically thank those close to me who have served, including:

• Raymond Noggle, my grandfather, USMC (purple heart on Okinawa).
• Michael A. Noggle, my father, USMC (Vietnam-era service on Okinawa and in California).
• Glenda L. Noggle, my mother, USMC (Vietnam-era service at El Toro, California).
• Kevin M. Noggle, my brother, USMC (6 years because the recruiter promised him Recon–sucker!)
• James Igert, my father-in-law, U.S. Air Force (Vietnam-era service).
• Timothy Crowley, friend, U.S. Navy.
• David Watkins, friend from college, U.S. Army (Ranger).
• George “Jimmy” Niederriter, friend from high school, U.S. Army (Ranger).
• Brian Mach, friend, National Guard.

Jeez, I hope I haven’t forgotten anyone.

Gentlemen (and Mom), thank you. You’ve proven your commitment to this country in a way I have not, you have protected my freedom to be a chickenhawk today.

Yeah, I am bragging about knowing them and bask in their reflected glory, but you would, too.

I found myself thinking of the dashboard in my truck as the interface.

I need IT Intervention.

Here’s a new twist on the Nigerian scam, playing to the Christian (which is a code word in many places, undoubtedly, for “rube”) audience:

From: Pastor Mrs VICTORIA ANI

Attn:Sir,
PLEASE ENDEAVOUR
TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD.

I am the above named person from Kuwait.
I am married to Dr. VICTORIA ANI who worked with Kuwait embassy in Togo
and Nigeria for nine years before he died in the year 2001. We were married
for eleven years without a child.

He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his
death we were both born again Christians. When my late husband was alive
he deposited the sum of$15.6Million (FIFTEEN Million six hundred thousand
U.S. Dollars) with one Finance Firm in Europe. Presently, this money is
still with the their bank.

Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last long due to cancer problem.
Though what disturbs me most is my stroke. Having known my condition I decided
to donate this fund to church or better still a christian individual that
will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a
church that will use this fund to fund churches, orphanages, Research centers
and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God
is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand
that giveth.

I took this decision because I dont have any child that will inherit this
money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I dont want my husbands
hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I dont want a situation
where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence the reason for
taking this bold decision.

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am
going to be in the bossom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord
will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.I dont need any telephone
communication
in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husbands
relatives around me always. I dont want them to know about thisdevelopment.

With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall
give you the contact of the Finance firm in Europe. I will also issue you
a letter of authority that will empower you as the new beneficiary of this
fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord
is my shephard. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy
Christian.Whoever
that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please
always be prayerful all through your life.

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or christian
individual for this same purpose.
Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.
Hoping to hearing from you
Remain blessed in the name of the
Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Pastor Mrs VICTORIA ANI.

Man, that hits all the exotic locations. Kuwait! Togo! Nigeria!

I almost responded just to get the letter of authority. I wonder how much that cost?