Category: Humor

The Hipster Olympics:

(Link seen on Instapundit.)

Such as your own lane on suburban streets.

Woe to that minivan; a couple of proton torpedoes from a couple upgraded fighters, and soccer mom is walking her kids to practice as punishment for parking in the TIE Fighter lane.

Dear Doctor Creepy,
I’ve always enjoyed the privilege of being the creepy guy at work, which has meant fewer interruptions of a personal nature and less interaction with my annoying co-workers. However, the company has recently hired another fellow whose creepiness apparently is novel enough that I’m more normal by comparison. This means people are starting to stop by my desk to chat and are starting to invite me to lunches and happy hours. How can I regain my creepiness crown and enjoy merciful ostracization?

Signed,
Not Creepiest

Dear Not Creepiest,
As you well know, creepiness can come in a potion form, so look around the new creepiest person’s desk to see if it’s in a phial on the desk or in the drawers. If not, check the person’s lunch in the refrigerator; if it has mayonnaise upon it, know that this often masks a creepiness potion, and you should lick the mayonnaise off of the target’s sandwich (reassembling it afterwards, of course, to cover your tracks). This will give you the benefit of the elixir and deprive the target of its power.

Additionally, to improve your creepiness, remember the power of the mystical chant; this focuses your energy and chree, the mystical power of discordance that manifests itself as creepiness. I cannot tell you what mystical phrase works for you, but I’d recommend some simple, rhyming chant, perhaps even a nursery rhyme. You should chant this phrase to yourself whenever you’re alone at your desk, in an elevator, or in the men’s room (this works especially well for women). Remember, you can generate some kinetic motion from your chakras by rocking slightly as you chant. Try it now!

Finally, remember eye contact is key in communications. That is, you should never make it. Or you should stare. Don’t do what the straights do, which is break eye contact every once in a while for comfort and then look into someone’s eyes. Overdo it or don’t do it, that’s my motto.

But if you’re going to chant a nursery rhyme, do make the eye contact.

Sincerely,
Dr. Creepy

Normally, I don’t do this sort of thing because the paucity of responses is bad for my ego, but here’s a photo begging for a quip:

Here’s my best shot:

Dude, we know where your treasure’s buried.

Think you can do better? Leave it in the comments. Remember, if there are no comments, I will win by default! You don’t want that on your conscience, do you?

Get your new business slang free here at MfBJN! Here’s today’s term:

Net of Command: A chain of command hierarchy that is so interconnected and confused that any decision becomes tangled in it.

Feel free to use it amongst yourselves.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Monzas, too.

(Thank goodness for the Internet, where I can footnote my puns.)

Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O.
And on his farm, he had a thresher,
E-I-E-I-O.
With an “Ahhhh! My arm!” here
and an “Ahhh! My legs!” there,
Here an “Ahhhh!”, there an “Ahhhhh!”,
everywhere an “Ahhhhhh!” “Ahhhhh!”
Old MacDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O.

Originally, Sudoku was named Countdoku, but then the Lucasfilm attorneys sent a letter. The rest, they say, is numerology. Or history. Or what have you.

Doctor Creepy says:

You must loathe yourself before you can truly loathe others.

When travelling to Japan, do not ask the tattooed native if he/she is a member of the jacuzzi unless you like finger prosthetics.

Can it be a coincidence that so many centenarians and super-centenarians died in the months leading up to the 2006 midterm elections?

• ‘World’s oldest’ dies at 116
• U. City woman, among world’s oldest, dies at 110
• Richmond Man, California’s Oldest, Dies At 112
• Zimbabwe’s oldest person dies
• Camille Loiseau, Oldest Person In France, Dies Aged 114
• Don Malarkey, PGA of America’s oldest member, dies at 101
• Olive Dubay, Michigan’s oldest resident, dies at at age 110
• Alabama’s and Mobile’s oldest practicing attorney dies at 97
• Junction patriarch Files dies at age 107
• Nancy, 102, dies day after birthday

It’s obviously a Bush plot. I mean, some would say that it’s statistically probable that really old people will die, but that’s just the insidious cloak in which the Bush cadre cloaks its nefarious activities.

No, these people were killed, many with a special strain of pneumonia that appears to only be a case of pneumonia and not a deadly bacterial agent. Look at the list and note the reasons why they had to die:

• Many of these Americans over 100 years old were, well, senior citizens, and senior citizens tend to vote Democrat.
• The Bush administration has often been at odds with the Mugabe government and wanted to send a message.
• The Bush administration has often been at odds with the French government and wanted to send a message.
• The Bush administration is displeased with the amount of money that the American trial lawyers are spending in support of Democrat candidates as payback for attempts at tort reform. Of course, it wanted to send a message.
• The British woman was an innocent killed to make it look like the deaths of the others were “normal.”

You think I am mad? Listen to how carefully they planned it out!

Dear Doctor Creepy,
I am finally on my own since I have my mother’s basement all to myself! I’ve finally paid my student loans from three semesters of community college with the wages I made at the mall’s Sunglass Hut and then the mall’s theatre after the Sunglass Hut manager fired me because nobody would stop at the shop when I was on duty. Now, I’ve put some money into my “savings account”–a hollowed-out Strawberry Shortcake on my nightstand, and I’m thinking about what kind of car I could get to replace my Schwinn. I’ve looked at some of the cars with For Sale signs on them in my neighborhood. I’ve seen a 1986 Chevrolet Cavalier sedan in grey that I can afford and a 1986 red(ish) Nissan Pulsar.

Now, I’ve never been very lucky with the ladies, and I’m hoping to snare one for a long-term relationship. My question is, what should I look for in a set of boss wheels? Something sporty, or something traditional to indicate that I am a dependable mate, at least until curfew?

Signed,
2 Wheels, 4 Eyes

Dear 2 Wheels, 4 Eyes,
You’re on the right track with your lingo, son. Although kids of today would refer to a pimpin’ ride or something similar, remember, to achieve the zen of creepy, you need to remain slightly asynchronous with your fellow man. Boss wheels works.

Dr. Creepy remembers the days of limited budgets, but only barely, since I’m a doctor now. However, I suggest an alternate to the vehicles you suggest. To really impress a woman, you need a grey cargo van.

I fondly remember the Ford Econoline I drove. It was a former business vehicle, with no windows and side-lettering painted over in a mismatched color of paint. When I drove that truck, I felt my masculinty coursing through me with every chunk-chunk-chunk of the bad bearings in the right front wheel. That sound drew attention, and the people were looking at me.

I customized some of the van myself; I put the “If the van’s rockin'” bumper sticker on the rear bumper and replaced the passenger side mirror with the passenger side mirror from an old Ford Fairlane. I hitched the fuel tank up with a chain and a nut and bolt. Although I didn’t have to do it with mine, I’d recommend spray painting the windows in the back of the van for privacy. Perhaps a couple of moving blankets for private time. That sort of initiative shows a woman that you’re handy.

Yes, friend, you can take the Jaguars and you can take the Porsches of the world, but a woman takes note when you slow down in a grey cargo van to check her out. Who is that man, she wonders. Or the tingle of excitement a woman feels when she comes out of work at night and sees that van in the parking lot. Is he waiting for me? she asks herself, and her breathing quickens.

Would any mere BMW do that for a woman? I think not.

Plus, you can haul your G.I. Joe collection, weight bench, and bed when your mom throws you out.

Sincerely,
Dr. Creepy

Dear Doctor Creepy,
I’m trying to find creepy actors whose mannerisms–and creepy characters–I can use as inspiration for emulation in every day life. I like Edward Norton and really like Crispin Glover, especially for his role in Williard. If I choose one to imitate for maximum creepiness, who should it be?

Signed,
Creeping 2 Creepy

Dear Creeping to Creepy,
For starters, you poser, do not use numbers for words; there is nothing creepy about Prince-hop.

Secondly, you’ve presented Dr. Creepy with a false dilemma in choosing between Norton and Glover. Both have their finer points as creepy character actors, but ultimately their other work will overshadow their best roles.

And although some might suspect that I favor Ronald Lacey, whereas I do hold the immortal Toht close to heart at all times, if I could have all junior weirdos out their emulate one frightening modern character actor, I would recommend David Patrick Kelly. The short, high-pitched actor commands attention and makes skin crawl in any motion picture in which he appears, from his role as Doyle in Last Man Standing to T-Bird in The Crow. Certainly, although Sam the Sleazeball appeared to reform in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, did you really believe that the flower-toting, woman-defending fisticuffs were genuine and bound to last? I couldn’t. And his pièce de résistance remains the too-brief role of Sully in Commando.

Working his nonhandsomeness together with his diminutive height and high pitched voice (which sounds lispy, even when it’s not), Kelley combines pathetic with the fear that violence might erupt at any moment. My friends, that’s the essence of creepy, and no one has it like David Patrick Kelley.

Sincerely,
Dr. Creepy

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitschin’.

I thought of that punchline, but for the life of me, I cannot think of a setup that justifies it. I ask you, members of the open source community, to do my work for me and provide it.

Shooting fish in a barrel can prove quite challenging, if you’re using 155mm field artillery.