Dear Doctor Creepy,
I am finally on my own since I have my mother’s basement all to myself! I’ve finally paid my student loans from three semesters of community college with the wages I made at the mall’s Sunglass Hut and then the mall’s theatre after the Sunglass Hut manager fired me because nobody would stop at the shop when I was on duty. Now, I’ve put some money into my “savings account”–a hollowed-out Strawberry Shortcake on my nightstand, and I’m thinking about what kind of car I could get to replace my Schwinn. I’ve looked at some of the cars with For Sale signs on them in my neighborhood. I’ve seen a 1986 Chevrolet Cavalier sedan in grey that I can afford and a 1986 red(ish) Nissan Pulsar.
Now, I’ve never been very lucky with the ladies, and I’m hoping to snare one for a long-term relationship. My question is, what should I look for in a set of boss wheels? Something sporty, or something traditional to indicate that I am a dependable mate, at least until curfew?
2 Wheels, 4 Eyes
Dear 2 Wheels, 4 Eyes,
You’re on the right track with your lingo, son. Although kids of today would refer to a pimpin’ ride or something similar, remember, to achieve the zen of creepy, you need to remain slightly asynchronous with your fellow man. Boss wheels works.
Dr. Creepy remembers the days of limited budgets, but only barely, since I’m a doctor now. However, I suggest an alternate to the vehicles you suggest. To really impress a woman, you need a grey cargo van.
I fondly remember the Ford Econoline I drove. It was a former business vehicle, with no windows and side-lettering painted over in a mismatched color of paint. When I drove that truck, I felt my masculinty coursing through me with every chunk-chunk-chunk of the bad bearings in the right front wheel. That sound drew attention, and the people were looking at me.
I customized some of the van myself; I put the “If the van’s rockin'” bumper sticker on the rear bumper and replaced the passenger side mirror with the passenger side mirror from an old Ford Fairlane. I hitched the fuel tank up with a chain and a nut and bolt. Although I didn’t have to do it with mine, I’d recommend spray painting the windows in the back of the van for privacy. Perhaps a couple of moving blankets for private time. That sort of initiative shows a woman that you’re handy.
Yes, friend, you can take the Jaguars and you can take the Porsches of the world, but a woman takes note when you slow down in a grey cargo van to check her out. Who is that man, she wonders. Or the tingle of excitement a woman feels when she comes out of work at night and sees that van in the parking lot. Is he waiting for me? she asks herself, and her breathing quickens.
Would any mere BMW do that for a woman? I think not.
Plus, you can haul your G.I. Joe collection, weight bench, and bed when your mom throws you out.