Life Imitates MfBJN Satire

MfBJN, September 2, 2006:

The two figures on the right; they’re falling forward, arms splayed out and in a grimace of pain as though they’ve been shot in the back by unknown assailants while trying to flee.

Life, Christmas 2006:

A security guard for MetroLink is reported in serious but stable condition today with a gunshot wound suffered at the Delmar Station, police say.

It brings miscreants to quiet suburbs, offers a locus for gunfire, scares off the normal people, and costs tax money for subsidies. Is there anything light rail cannot do?

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An Arthur C. Brooks Christmas Moment

I’m sure it’s only tangentially related to the Albert C. Brooks-described mindset (Who Really Cares: The Surprising Truth about Compassionate Conservatism), but as I walked relatives out of our house after Christmas dinner, I saw that the house down the block with the “Invade Iran! No” bumper stickers and the “Invest in Peace Instead of War” yard signs had one of the local bus service’s Call a Ride program vehicles out front.

Did someone call a taxpayer-subsidized, bureaucrat-operated van came to take one of the elderly or disabled guests home after Christmas dinner instead of, you know, taking that guest home?

I mean, damn.

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Book Report: The Best from Fantasy and Science Fiction 14th Series edited by Avram Davidson (1965)

After reading Ancient, My Enemy, I was in the mood for some more science fiction short stories from the silver age of science fiction. This collection, apparently the 14th from the heydey of Fantasy and Science Fiction magazine (now back in print, apparently).

Okay, the book collects 17 short stories into 251 pages of reading, not counting the introduction that explains why it’s all relevant. It’s good enough short stories, and as I look over the titles, I can remember them after a week. Only one, “The House by the Crab Apple Tree” by S.S. Johnson, will stick with me at all.

Each story also includes what I suspect is the original intro bio bit from the magazine. It’s interesting how many of the writers really were journeymen, dashing off short stories for a tolerable existence. A couple of them are remembered today, but most aren’t. Probably only one or two of them made a really comfortable life of it. Such is the life of a real writer who has to do it for a living and not some dilettante writing short stories for fun. Today, those journeymen are working as business writers, copy writers, and technical writers, so their fame and recognition will be far more fleeting than the sales circulars and software manuals they’re producing as their life’s work.

Don’t get me started on the life of backwater bloggers whose daily hit totals have dipped under 100 again.

Thanks for reading, and come back tomorrow for more Christmas cheer the MfBJN way!

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Not Like Herding Cats At All

Check showtimes near you for Yuri Kuklachev and his Moscow Cats Theatre:

In the current Cats Theatre show, Kuklachev makes a hilarious initial entrance. Standing in a small, low wagon, he is pulled on stage by a cat walking on its hind legs. The production’s lone dog, also on its hind legs, pushes the cart from the rear.

When Kuklachev steps out of the wagon, the dog hops in and is pulled off stage by the kitty.

A 75 minute show of cats trained to do tricks. How can a culture that can train cats not dominate the world?

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Friday Hooch Musings

Everyone has covered this study already:

Moderate drinking may lengthen your life, while too much may shorten it, researchers from Italy report. Their conclusion is based on pooled data from 34 large studies involving more than 1 million people and 94,000 deaths.

According to the data, drinking a moderate amount of alcohol β€” up to four drinks per day in men and two drinks per day in women β€” reduces the risk of death from any cause by roughly 18 percent, the team reports in the Archives of Internal Medicine.

I have consulted my own Personal Liquor consultant, who notes that drinking is like an IRA; if you didn’t contribute when you were young, you can contribute more each year until you catch up. Which explains why I’m on the 12 a day program. To catch up for my toddler years.

Meanwhile, we have this story: Alcohol consumers turn to the good stuff:

Indeed, the St. Louis area falls into the national trend of drinkers buying better.

“It’s happening across all retail channels,” said Barbara Insel, managing director of MKF Research of St. Helena, Calif. “People have become more quality conscious.”

One paid muser muses:

Hagnauer theorized that the trend toward pricier alcohol might be linked to an increase in disposable income.

“A lot of it is the economy, but people are becoming more educated, too” Hagnauer said.

If one were a conservative sort of fellow, one would want to start up with some sort of line of snark that begins with “Oh, the disappearing middle class with its stagnating wages are suddenly buying $20 bottles of wine every night instead of a $4 six pack of beer? Oh, really?

But I understand this really only means a quality-conscious consumer needs better liquor to dull the pain of a continued Bush administration and that the better education is no doubt product of the compassionately profligate No Budget Left Behind act.

Which leads me, circularly, to my sixth drink of the morning.

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Coast Guard Backs Off Live Fire Exercises

I don’t know what’s more frightening about this story: Great Lakes live fire a no-go:

Bowing to pressure from a wide-ranging group of critics, the U.S. Coast Guard on Monday backed off from plans to permanently conduct live fire exercises on the Great Lakes.

  • The Coast Guard holds live fire exercises and thought it would be fun to do so on waters heavily trafficked by civilians.
  • The Army hasn’t publicly said it would not hold live fire exercises in American cities.

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More Die Hard Analysis

Devoted reader Neil sends this link after debating the Top 5 Christmas Movies: Die Hard – The Greatest Christmas Movie Ever:

Here it is, the single greatest Christmas movie of all time β€” no joke, no doubt, no question, it’s Die Hard. And before any quibbling begins, can we agree, in general, that it’s a good movie? Seriously. Step back from the Christmas assertion for just a moment and consider the film as a whole. Die Hard is a classic.

I haven’t read such insightful, stunning analysis since my last college literary criticism paper.

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A Lesser Thompson

Via The American Mind, we get this news: Thompson tests waters for presidential campaign:

Tommy G. Thompson has formed a 2008 presidential exploratory committee and brought on political advisers in Iowa as he considers a possible run for the White House.

Thompson, 65, a Republican, is the former governor of Wisconsin and U.S. Health and Human Services Department secretary. He was governor from 1987 to 2001, longer than anyone in state history, and led HHS during President Bush’s first term, from 2001 to 2005. A lawyer and business consultant, Thompson has a hand in several private-sector pursuits, many in health care.

I’d vote for him, but I’m not sure I’d send him money or volunteer for him.

After all, he’s not my ideal Thompson.

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Missouri Courts Would Inch Marriage Closer To Actual Indentured Servitude

Apparently, a recent Missouri court decision has determined that it’s your obligation, after a divorce, to maximize your income to fund your court-anointed financial duties:

If you are well paid, a parent and living in Missouri, pay special attention to this column.

That’s because a recent ruling by the Missouri Court of Appeals seems to invite local courts to compel divorced parents to seek work anywhere in the world if doing so would maximize the payments they could make in support of their children and ex-spouses.

In Payne v Payne, which originated in St. Louis County, the husband had been employed as an oil trader at the time of his divorce. Based on yearly earnings of $141,000, the court set child and spousal support payments totaling nearly $36,000 per year. Unfortunately for Mr. Payne, he lost his job shortly after his divorce.

Four months later, the husband asked the court to reduce his support obligations, contending he had been unable to find a comparable job in his field in St. Louis or elsewhere, despite search efforts that reached across the nation and overseas. To support himself, he had started an antique business but was generating far less income than he had earned previously.

The courts decided that Mr. Payne had to continue working in his highly paid field, even if it meant relocating. The courts were going to dictate Mr. Payne’s career and job choices, under the threat of jail time for contempt no doubt.

The lower court’s decision was overturned on appeal, but still, this intervention of the courts on a citizen’s career choice is galling and chilling. And frighteningly potentially prescient.

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Reflexively, St. Louisians Line Up To Shake Fists at AmerenUE

Thousands in dark after Northwest storm:

Residents of the Pacific Northwest struggled to stay warm Saturday after the worst windstorm in more than a decade knocked out power to more than 1.5 million homes and businesses and killed at least six people.

More than 600,000 customers in Washington and Oregon still had no power Saturday, and utilities said some might have to wait into next week for their lights to go back on.

Me, I blame those who have sought out the devil of electricity and who now are dependent upon its snug snake-like embrace for their own survival and happiness. Also, I curse the Tennessee Valley Authority some 70 years later for bringing power to those outlying areas that could not hold it through the slightest adversity.

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Book Report: Ancient, My Enemy by Gordon R. Dickson (1974)

Through some strange quirk of fate or ill-done packing when we moved, this book ended up on my to read shelves even though it became clear when I started it that I’d read it before. That didn’t stop me from reading it again, though, so that counts as a testament to my enjoyment of Gordon R. Dickson’s short fiction.

This book collects some of Dickson’s work from the 1950s and the 1960s, including:

  • “Ancient, My Enemy”: A prospector on a distant planet who finds that one of the primitive members of the regressed native civilization has found him to be an ancient enemy.
  • “The Odd Ones”: A pair of intergalactic observers and philosophers who try to glean the meaning and morality of a pair of humans they encounter.
  • “The Monkey Wrench”: A Venutian ne’er do well hides from his socialite wife in a remote meteorological outpost and enters a risky bet with a former classmate.
  • “Tiger Green”: A ship and its crew become ensnared by a jungle and confounded by the natives who live in it. The four who resist a strange madness struggle to understand its source and save themselves.
  • “The Friendly Man”: A time traveller from the past reaches a distant future and finds a friendly man awaiting him. Suspiciously friendly.
  • “Love Me True”: A soldier faces trouble when he brings back a ferret-like pet from a distant planet. As he should.
  • “Our First Death”: The first death in a colony threatens to destroy it.
  • “To the Bone”: A human explorer finds an extraterrestrial vehicle on an outlying planet, only to have that vehicle destroy his ship and survival gear. The extraterrestrial intelligence underestimates the nature and ability of man at his most primitive.
  • “The Bleak and Barren Land”: A Colonial Representative, banished from earth and sent to a backwater planet, must handle the conflict between an advanced and inscrutable native race and the first shipload of authorized colonists on the planet.

A quick and interesting read, these stories remind me of my youth when I ate up simple science fiction stories like this. Again, like the last Andy Rooney book I read, this reminds me of the kinds of things that inspired me to become a writer. Perhaps if I spend more time with them, they’ll inspire me to keep writing.

Books mentioned in this review:


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Wine Marketers Targeting Children

BEYOND ANIMAL MAGNETISM: The lesson of critter labels: Drinkers judge wine by what’s on the bottle:

Three Blind Moose, Four Emus, Funky Llamas. A menagerie of critter labels on wines has emerged in the past three years, all hoping to emulate the success of a certain Yellow Tailed marsupial. In 2005, these wines locked up $605 million in sales, and average sales of 77 new animal labels launched since 2003 more than doubled those of their non-critter rivals, according to ACNielsen. So, it seems, what’s on the label does make a difference.

Put a camel on a pack of cigarettes, and you’re targeting children. So I got some bad news for the wine marketing crowd when the Round All Corners Society picks up on this tidbit of research.

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Noggle Can Spoil A QA Party

When someone asks:

Can anybody define the test cases on mobile.

so he/she can use the answers in a job interview, Brian J. steps up to the plate:

Lynne, help a guy out!

To test mobiles, you should ensure that:
* Individual items move freely on their strings.
* If automated, the wind up mechanisms stores kinetic energy and the start/stop controls work.
* If musical, the correct notes play in a recognizable order.

You might have to test the mounting equipment as well to ensure it handles the weight of the mobile apparatus.

Some “real” “QA” “professionals” seem unamused.

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If You Want Me, I’ll Be In My Backyard, Building A Big Boat

According to your various traditions, various deities have destroyed civilization for sins that fall far short of this:

Would Mustang Sally drive a station wagon? Maybe she’ll get the chance.

The next generation of the Ford Mustang could include some previously unthinkable variants including a four-door sedan and a station wagon, according to a report in the magazine AutoWeek.

That does it. Anyone know the name of a good tattoo artist removal cosmetic surgeon?

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Border Guards Open Fire On Poor Oppressed Palestinians

Oh, wait, it was Palestinian border guards opening fire on rival Palestinians:

Hamas militants, angry that Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh was prevented from returning to Gaza from Egypt, burst into the Rafah crossing Thursday, sparking a gunbattle with the guards at the border terminal.

Never mind, that interrupts the official narrative and higher truth, that it’s the damn Israelis that are the source of all conflict in the Middle East. Best we not consider this bit of information then. Carry on.

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