Join Your Loyal Citizens Book Burners Watchers Brigade

Drudge links to a story entitled FBI urges police to watch for people carrying almanacs in the San Francisco Chronicle. Lead:

The FBI is warning police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.


“For local law enforcement, it’s just to help give them one more piece of information to raise their suspicions,” said David Heyman, a terrorism expert for the Washington-based Center for Strategic and International Studies. “It helps make sure one more bad guy doesn’t get away from a traffic stop, maybe gives police a little bit more reason to follow up on this.”

The FBI noted that use of almanacs or maps may be innocent, “the product of legitimate recreational or commercial activities.” But it warned that when combined with suspicious behavior — such as apparent surveillance — a person with an almanac “may point to possible terrorist planning.”

To better prepare you intrepid citizen informers out there, I’ll give you a head’s up to other suspicious characters in America:

Educated people.

That’s right, folks. Keep an eye out for:

  • Physicists.
    These diabolical intellectuals study such dangerous things as force, velocity, gravity, and other skills useful to terrorists who want to use everyday objects and the laws of nature against innocents.
  • Chemists.
    These “scientists” study how natural and artificial combinations of atoms interact, which can lead to substances harmful to the population.
  • Biologists.
    These dabblers in the arcane arts know how microorganisms–as well as larger organisms, such as angry mutant sea bass–can be used against the children.
  • Engineers.
    These hands-on appliers of science understand the way bridges work, buildings stand, dams hold, and electric circuits work. It’s best to let the FBI know immediately if you find an engineer around a possible target. Particularly if the engineer is doing something suspicious, like holding a clipboard.
  • Information Technology professionals.
    Computer geeks, misanthropes and asocial misfits all, know the vulnerabilities of the technological infrastructure of the nation, nay, THE WORLD!

You don’t need to fear all academics, intellectuals, or college faculty, however. Although English, History, and *-Studies departments fancy themselves revolutionaries, they’re harmless.

Instead, citizen, you should focus on nefarious characters who read books. Sound harmless? Consider someone who reads:

  • Comic books or mystery novels.
    These people often determine that there exists a standard of right or wrong aside from U.S. law and court rulings, and often read books where “good” triumphs over “evil,” often without the proper bureaucracy in place to spread blame for failure or leak credit for success.

  • Science fiction.
    Non-academics or speculative individuals often read these books, which, like religious documents, contain fantastic versions of reality or blueprints for the future. These individuals are harder to trace than academics since they’re “freelancers” who often have telescopes, chemistry sets, or workshops in their homes, garages, or closests and are not subject to sanction by removal of federal funding.

Of course, anyone who reads literary fiction or Oprah’s book choices are safe enough–for now–because they’ve embraced a passive fatalism that will make them easier to control less likely to perform wanton acts of destruction.

So turn your neighborhood watching eyes on those cash only used book stores, loyal citizens, and the federal law enforcement officials will review bookstore and library records to see who has the dangerous information.

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