Start Your Christmas Shopping Early

In case you’re wondering what to get me for Christmas, I wouldn’t mind a first edition Hamlet.

Hey, look, one of the 19 copies remains in private hands and is at auction. Since it’s up for auction at Christie’s, you no longer have to plot your university or museum heist. Of course, since it’s expected to go for several million dollars, you’ll need to start working on the Bellagio heist pronto.

Oh, wait, I see you’re already on it. Thanks.

(Link seen on Fark.)

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I Agree With Lileks

Lileks today:

Big tot day, Mondays. No school, no Nana, just us – and since I decree that the TV shall be silenced after two morning programs, that means puzzles and books and coloring and painting and so on. Usually I have the radio or the news on while we play, but like I said last week, I hit a point where I can’t take it right now. I just can’t take another “we’re there for the oil” call. I can’t take another 37 minute discussion about whether the PDB said OBL wanted USA DOA PDQ. I browse the news sites and the blogs, then go play with my daughter for the rest of the morning. I think April will be my month off from marinating in the news 24-7, if only to get my blood-pressure down from hummingbird levels.

I am with him on this. I told Heather just this morning, before reading Lileks, that I don’t like listening to the radio for news or watching television. I don’t like the practiced sneers in the tones or the unsubtle narrative framework offered for the events. So I’ve stuck with the online news sources.

However, when I’m lost in the day to day hysteria of the 24 hour news cycle, I turn to an unlikely source for perspective. Back when I was an eBay dealer, I purchased a collection of Newsweek magazines, a single year from 1966-1967. I paid $2 for it, okay, and I made the $2 back in selling select issues. But that’s not the perspective: no, although Viet Nam was ramping up at the time, each week it was gloom and doom or hope. Granted, Viet Nam didn’t turn out that well, but the simple snapshot from the beginning of the conflict showed how poorly the media could predict the course in the early time period.

Contemporary media provide the same bark-level view of the forest. Still, I don’t enjoy the spoken news.

Although to be honest I can listen to the students on WSIE because they don’t have the fully practiced nuance of newscasters. Heck, in many cases, they lack inflection or even proper pronunciation. So I can take their version of radio news, which is just as well; I’d hate to have to change from Ross Gentile’s Standards in Jazz on the drive home from work.i

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All Aboard Wal-Mart

Overlawyered.com rounds up a summary of groups suing Wal-Mart. Why? Because it’s there. Now shut up and give me some free money, and my lawyers more free money.

Everyone wants to beat on Wal-Mart and Microsoft because they’re successful. Looks like we’ve about bred capitalism out of the country. Good work, social engineers.

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New Warning Issued for Old Urban Legend

The Palm Beach Post reports on the scourage of the sex bracelet:

The multicolored set of plastic bracelets many Palm Beach County middle and high school students are sporting these days aren’t just a fashionable fad.

At some schools, boys and girls snap off one of their classmate’s colored gel wrist bands in exchange for a corresponding sexual favor, health department officials told school board members Monday.

For example, a person wearing a white band may mean she is willing to kiss to the person who pulls it from her wrist. A red band means a lap dance and black is intercourse. The meanings may vary from school to school.

::Yawn:: Back in the eighties, we wore Satanic worship bracelets, wherein the color of the band indicated the animal (white means pigeon, red means chow puppy, and black meant kindergartner, but the meanings varied from school to school) to sacrifice.

I guess we in Generation X didn’t get the cool faddish urban legend.

In other news, Boots and Sabers will soon have more comments in their infamous Bracelets for Sex post, dated October 19, 2003, which the the Palm Beach Health Department probably used as in-depth research.

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Important Note for Women Readers

Dear women readers:

MSN Dating and Personals offers 7 sure signs he’s a mama’s boy. They are, to sum up:

  1. If you’re talking to him on the phone, if his mother interrupts through call waiting as you tell him you’re not wearing underwear, he’ll talk to her instead.
  2. He talks to her a lot on the phone.
  3. He cancels a date in which you will not be wearing underwear to help her move furniture.
  4. He quotes his mother a lot.
  5. He compares you to his mother a lot.
  6. His mother decorated his house.
  7. His mother visits his home frequently.

Ladies, that’s a lot to remember. You want to know how to tell a mama’s boy, as depicted above, in one step? 1. Real men are beating him up right now. That’s a lot easier, isn’t it?

Besides, the minute you have announced to a real man that you have no underwear on, we’re on our way to meet you. We’re not going to talk to our mothers. We’re probably not even going to follow any conversation really well. If you say you’re feeling a draft and a man acknowledges call waiting at all, he’s not a mama’s boy, he’s trying to pass to spare her the pain of coming out.

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Purging Binging

The Agitator reports that the definition of binge drinking has been revised:

Now, the NIAAA has backtracked a bit.
It now defines a binge as five drinks in two hours or less for men,
four in two hours for women. Seems more plausible, and seems like a
definition that would at least put most people over .08.

That’s good news, and it makes it easier for us at MfBJN to keep from binge drinking. As part of our non-binge drinking program, we recommend no more than four tallboys in two hours. That way, if you inadvertently consume an additional 40 ounces of cheap beer during the movie, you’re still within the bounds of reason.

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Grammar God Eye for the Rock God Guy

At Encarta, Martha Brockenbrough takes pop/rock lyricists to task for their crimes against the language.

Unfortunately, although she has a point, grammarians tend to go a little easier on historical lyricists who butchered the language to make a rhyme or to get off on the right foot. There’s no word on whether old poets necessarily knew the rules they were breaking, either.

What was my point? Oh, cool grammar post. Go read it, Mz. Igert.

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Book Review: Make Room for TV by Lynn Spigel (1992)

You might wonder why I bothered to read this book, whose full title is Make Room for TV: Television and the Family Ideal in Postwar America. Actually, I wondered a bit myself while wandering through this Marxist/Feminist inquiry into the impact of television on life of the bourgeois in the ten years after World War II. Then I remembered. Because I paid a whole quarter for it at the library. Plus, it just sounds cool if someone asks what you’re reading, and you can answer Marxist/Feminist inquiry into the impact of television on life of the bourgeois in postwar period. Not that anyone asked. But I was ready to answer.

So I sloughed through five chapters and 187 pages of this book, remembering for a brief moment (if you count three weeks’ worth of head-shaking lunches as “a brief moment”) what it was like in college. When I would be assigned something like this, or would be assigned some topic tangentally related to this for a paper whose research would lead me to this book, and I would read some of it because I had to. Let’s face it, this thing wasn’t aimed for the mass paperback market.

My second problem with this book is the author’s faulty methodology. The first, of course, is that she’s a Marxist/Feminist academic, but to bring that up would be ad homenim, and people are allowed to believe stupid things because this is still a free country. When it’s no longer free, we’ll be mandated to believe those stupid things. But I digress.

Spigel builds a history of repression in America in what she calls the Victorian period, willfully or foolishly applying a historical term that denotes a period British history. Calling it the era of the Robber Barons wouldn’t have had the same connotation of repression and need, though, so she calls the last portion of the 18th century through World War II “Victorian” for, I would assume, the whole world, not just Britain. Granted, this is just a quibble over language, but since language is how we communicate concepts, I could tell pretty early how different the author and I conceptualize.

So, about the methodology. Spigel surveys magazines from the immediate post World War II period, examines the advertisements for televisions, and compares them with some prepackaged thought in the form of other academic pabulum which agrees with her basic M/F premises. As a result, she tells us about the repressed suburban bourgeois and how television was a tool of The Man to hold them down.

Brothers and sisters, I cannot tell you how goofy the ultimate intellectual content of this book is. Spurious assertions, laughable on the face, abound. Americans felt ambivalent to television because it was used as a weapon in World War II? Spigel forgot to footnote how commercial broadcasts brought the Axis to its knees. Perhaps she just meant sounds carried invisibly, magically through space. The more intellectually rigorous sections of the book do offer two sides to an issue. For example, if men don’t help the housewives at home, they’re pigs. If they do, it’s because they’re powerless at work and seek to assert their control where they can, in the home. Truly, Spigel has a dizzying intellect.

Sometimes, though, she makes a coherent, almost reasonable argument, such as asserting that television provided a proxy communal neighborhood at a time when suburban sprawl removed people from their traditional, more urban neighborhoods. Unfortunately, Spigel took this argument elsewhere, leaving me with a small idea with which I could agree. I hold tightly to this single idea, because otherwise I wasted a bunch of time and twenty-five cents, which is about a thirty-secondth of a six-pack of Guinness.

Academic textbooks that share this worldview spend a lot of time analyzing existing metaphors, images, and other artificial constructs and magically reveal, through their scrying, that the premise with which the academic began the inquiry is actually the conclusion. Unfortunately, they (like this book) write syllogisms in space.

So there you have it, gentle readers; the missing book. I meant to do a longer, more reasoned review pointing out where Spigel diverges from reality, but then I realized I have better things to do. Were I an academic, teaching three sections a week, perhaps I could have time to fit it into my salaried day. But it’s not worth my leisure time. And this book is not worth yours, unless you’re like me: a book slut.

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The Bone? I Cut To The Marrow, and Sucked It!

Think you can do better than Congress? Here’s the National Budget Simulation, where you can set budget priorities and adjust taxes. Your hero, or mine anyway, scored thusly:

Budget Totals

Old budget was $3251.488 billion
($2264.172 billion in spending, $987.316 billion in tax expenditures and cuts).

New budget is $1727.29 billion
($1318.51 billion in spending, $408.78 billion in tax expenditures and cuts).

You have cut the deficit by $1524.2 billion.

Your new deficit is $-1167.19 billion.

Oops!

You’ve cut so much that the federal budget now contains a substantial surplus. Many economists warn that this budget may help induce or prolong a recession,
and ordinary citizens demand a refund. You might want to cut taxes or raise spending.

Oops? That’s not a bug, it’s a feature!

(Link seen on The Agitator.)

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Retreading Water

Channeling Michael Williams, I have posted a couple of my published short stories, including:

  • An Aluminum Dream“, in which an arena usher gets the chance to meet the songstress with whom he’s obssessed whose music he likes.
  • Reading Faces“, wherein a literary writer reading on a college campus confronts the worst type of audience.

Read ’em, link to ’em, but don’t repost without written consent.

Thank you, that is all.

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Book Review: Full Court Press by Mike Lupica (2001)

I picked this book up in a Barnes and Noble in Springfield last year. Off the remainder rack, for $6.95, so don’t think I am out there buying all sorts of expensive books. However, based on this book, I’d be happy to buy another of Lupica’s novels.

The story revolves around the recruiting of an American ex-pat living in Europe to a struggling NBA team. After seeing D. Gerard play in a charity game, scout Eddie Holtz is determined to bring him back to play for the New York Knights. When D. Gerard removes a cap, Eddie’s shocked to see it’s a woman. He think she’s got enough game to run with the males in the NBA, and he convinces Dee that she ought to take her shot at the big time. He convinces his boss to take a shot on integrating the NBA, and the boss is happy to, if only for the novelty. But when Dee starts to play, she’s got to prove she deserves to be in the NBA.

Seemed to me that the first Lupica book I read was a mystery, so I almost expected a corpse to turn up in this book. Well, one does, sort of; but it’s not a mystery. It’s a mainstream novel, one I could enjoy. I don’t watch basketball as a matter of course, but the book conveyed enough authenticity in digestible form that my rudimentary knowledge of the game didn’t hinder my comprehension.

Most of all, I liked Lupica’s writing style. Easy to read, smooth and comprehensible, kinda like Guinness for the eyes. Of course, I remarked to Heather that Lupica’s style is rather like my own. So perhaps I am prejudiced.

For those of us keeping score at home, this is the 19 book I have read this year, and the 18th review you’ve suffered through. Thanks. And sorry for the review for the missing book, which you’ll suffer through when I get around to it.

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How Very Postmodern

Okay, all you cinema aficianados who proclaimed that Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill Vol. 1 was some sort of masterpiece of poetic violence or whatever rationalizations you offer for chic senseless gore and slashery. He’s making screeches about a Vol. 3:

“The star will be Vernita Green’s (Vivica A. Fox’s) daughter, Nikki (Ambrosia Kelley). I’ve already got the whole mythology: Sofie Fatale (Julie Dreyfus) will get all of Bill’s money. She’ll raise Nikki, who’ll take on The Bride,” he says. “Nikki deserves her revenge every bit as much as The Bride deserved hers. I might even shoot a couple of scenes for it now so I can get the actresses while they’re this age.”

For those of you who might be less in the know than me, The Bride is the “heroine” character of volumes 1 and 2. She’s left for dead and spends almost four hours chasing down the assassin leader who wanted to kill her on her wedding day. That’s Bill.

As part of The Bride’s vengeance, she kills Vernita Green, a sub-assassin. While the daughter’s home or something. Ultimately, I think the story goes, The Bride will kill Bill.

But in Vol 3., The Bride would be the legitimate target for vengeance, and the audience’s sympathy should shift to another innocent bystander whose life was hurt, and the senseless violence would go on and on like the mad god Azathoth, dancing to the music of the universe. I see the cheap political metaphors, brother.

There’s your damn mythos, Tarantino. You’re a postmodern punk without a sense of morals outside the beauty of violence, or perhaps just your own “genius” in a world of sickophantic cynical “intellectuals” and “academics.”

(Thanks, Drudge, for the link.)

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Health Update

Via Fark (of course), we have this important health update: Guinness is good for you.

Yes, Guinness apparently, according to certain resarch:

  • Helps prevent heart disease; since my family has a history of heart disease, I better up my dosage just to be safe.
  • Is an important source of vitamin B, which has suddenly gained importance for its rationalization benefits.
  • Has less carbs than other beers. It also has less carbs than eating a whole confetti cake each night, and since I have to do one or the other….
  • Contains less alcohol by volume than other beers, which means I can drink more without forgetting where the bottle opener is.

Unfortunately, the article also contains disturbing news:

It’s a favorite of Bono (obviously), Madonna (with a good cigar) and Matt Damon (no, Guinness does not make teeth unnaturally white).

Even given these side effects, we at MfBJN recommend a healthy daily supplement.

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A Little Perspective From….Tie Domi?

The hockey playoffs have started, and the highly-paid athletes have begun puffing themselves and their profession with hyperbolic metaphor.

Tie Domi, the Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer known as the Albanian Aggressor, interjected a little perspective:

Domi did want to get something else off his chest, however. Peter Bondra said he thinks the series could be “a war.”

“Using the word war is getting a little stupid in our game, especially in our rivalry,” Domi said. “Out of respect to the war that is going on, I don’t think it should be used. Those guys are fighting a real war and it is insulting to them.”

I never thought I would utter or type these words, but Tie Domi is right.

(Link seen on Hockey Pundits, whose commenters all attack Domi for the comments. I assume they’re Canadians and don’t need perspective, since they’re ultimately protected in their myopia by their benevolent neighbor.)

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Baseball Stats Update

As some of you St. Louis residents know, backup catcher Cody McKay pitched two scoreless innings in a game against the Milwaukee Brewers last night.

That gives him an ERA of 0.00, which far surpasses that of Jose Oquendo, the utility infielder (and present third-base coach) whose lifetime ERA is 27.00.

Jeez, I actually remember that game from fifteen years ago. As last year’s advertising slogan said, it’s definitely a baseball town.

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Procrastination

Sign on the studio door at the gym:

GX classes will be cancelled on Easter Sunday.

Why not go ahead and cancel them now? Why wait until Easter Sunday?

Sorry, that’s humor only a Grammar God would appreciate. If you’re a Grammar Master or lesser, e-mail me and I will explain it to you.

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