Best Columnist in St. Louis

The best columnist in St. Louis is David Nicklaus, business columnist for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Check out the wisdom from his latest column taking on light rail groupies:

With what’s spent on the trains, Castelazo and Garrett figure that taxpayers could buy a Toyota Prius for each needy MetroLink rider and have $49 million a year left over.

It’s good to see someone in the Post-Dispatch examining the actual return on the copious public wealth redistribution the paper favors as a matter-of-course.

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Political Musings from Pseudo-Bachelorhood, Part XIII

Alternate Title: Embrace Your Mythology, America!

So let me get this straight, again: In The Magnificent Seven, Americans ride in to save a Mexican villiage from bandits, who happen to also be Mexican, and they ride out with fewer than the advertised seven. What propoganda! Forty-some years later, “sophisticated” Americans would appreciate no such venture.

Meanwhile, leftists diminish the sacrifice contained within this American myth by saying that:

  • White men oppressed red men
    Of course, ignore the fact that some white men and one partially brown man (Bernardo) saved brown men (and women and children) from oppression from other brown men.

  • Americans fight for their own interests
    Well, these seven Americans got twenty dollars, a low sum by the standards indicated within the film, to protect oppressed Mexican farmers.

  • Americans always win, and their heroes never run out of bullets.
    I know it’s out of fashion, but let’s run the numbers through this little bit of reality we call arithematic. Seven gunslingers, including those portraued by Charles Bronson, Robert Vaughn, James Coburn, Steve McQueen, and Yul Brenner ride in. Three ride almost out, but one decides he likes a Mexican babe and stays. Frankly, a less than fifty percent survival ratio is pretty low, even for realism circa the late 1800s that a Western embraces. Particularly that 22.2% returns to America, after defending the foreigners.

Pah, you all can guess what point I am trying to make. I am no Edith Hamilton or Joseph Campbell, but I understand the power of the stories we tell each other about our common heritage, and brothers, Abu Ghraib ain’t it.

P.S. In the arithematic of American mythology, the The Dirty Dozen (-11) and The Magnificent Seven (-4) do not yield the same actor in the role of survivor. Just in case you damn kids watched one, I wanted to inspire you to watch the other.

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Political Musings from Pseudo-Bachelorhood, Part XII

Alternate Title: When Was Hollywood Ever the Friend of Capitalism?

So let me get this straight: In This Gun For Hire, which “introduces” Alan Ladd and co-stars Veronica Lake, the “good guy” is an product of child abuse, and the “bad guy” is an old white guy who’s selling poison gas chemicals to the Japanese.

Hey, I appreciate the film as a story, but the theme indicates that Hollywood was not always in favor of capitalism. Remember that heyday of propoganda around World War II? A by-product of the future history, wherein the box office victors, which is to say the American people select those movies which represented John Wayne and company whipping the Axis, represent the remembered movies, and other films which presented a “nuanced” vision of America find themselves, 52 years later, represented by a single copy in Best Buy snapped up by an Alan Ladd and Veronica Lake fan. Undoubtedly, this Best Buy store sighed in relief and ordered an extra copy of The Transporter to cover the shelf space.

P.S. Note to studios: Alan Ladd. Veronica Lake. Raymond Chandler. For the love of all that is holy, release The Blue Dahlia on DVD.

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Not ACCOUNT DELETATION!

From today’s junk e-mail:

                          Dear U.S. Bank valued member,
       Due to concerns, for the safety and integrity of the Internet Banking community we have
issued this warning message.
 
       It has come to our attention that your account information needs to be updated due to
inactive accounts, frauds and spoof reports. If you could please take 5-10 minutes out of
your online experience and renew your records you will not run into any future problems
with the online service. However, failure to update your records will result in account
deletation. 
 
       Once you have updated your account records your online banking account will not be
interrupted and will continue as normal.
 
             Please follow the link below and renew your account information.

                                                              
                                                 U.S. Bank Internet Banking

Ladies and gentlemen, good grammar and good knowledge of proper English are a stalwart defense against junk e-mail.

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Scenes of Intermittent Pseudo-Bachelorhood, Part XII

Wherein our hero copes with life in a large household while his wife enjoys business-related adventures in Buffalo, New York.

“Crap! I can’t get the garlic bread residue off of this cookie sheet! Wait a minute….Heather will never miss one cookie sheet….”

Join us for our thrilling next adventure, when our hero tries to find a new cookie sheet with which to replace the new contents of his garbage can. Where do you buy cookie sheets? Like, Best Buy is all out of them…..

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I Hope They Got a Good Price on That Print Job

A hearty, hey, yer knuckleheads to the folks at the Home Handyman Club of America, whose membership I am abandoning since it managed to lose my subscription renewal a couple years ago, and then promptly sent me books I refused and for which they continued to bill me.

As a new example of its genius, it has sent me a professionally-printed envelope that instructs those suckers seeking to renew to enclose the invoice so that the club address appears in the window on the other side. The problem? It’s not printed on a window envelope. All the better for our recycling bin.

Man, I am glad I never had these handy fellows over to help me do anything to my house.

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Real World Experience Apparently Worthless

Meanwhile, back in the San Francisco Chronicle, David Lazurus reads the grounds in his coffee cup to undercover conspiracy! in the nomination of Francis Harvey as Secretary of the Army:

President Bush was widely reported last week to be on the verge of nominating local boy Francis Harvey to serve as secretary of the Army. So let’s meet the man who may soon be the newest player in the top ranks of the military-industrial complex.

Harvey, a Los Gatos resident, sits on the board of Bridge Bank of Silicon Valley and is a member of the board of regents of Santa Clara University. But it’s a safe bet that neither of these gigs placed him in the running for the Army’s senior civilian post.

More likely, it was Harvey’s ties to the defense industry and the influential Carlyle Group that won him the Bush administration’s favor.

Okay, let me summarize how this left coaster knocks Harvey:

  • Harvey is former chief operating officer for a division of Westinghouse Electric, a leading defense contractor.
  • Harvey sits on the board of a couple companies affiliated with the Carlyle Group, an investment company.
  • Because the Carlyle Group has had as its “advisers and leaders” (which could mean that among the numerous firms funded or invested in by the company, an investment company for crying out loud) numerous other, well, leaders, it is obviously the American Illuminati Clubhouse.
  • Harvey serves as vice chairman of Maryland’s Duratek, which specializes in the handling and disposing of radioactive materials. Oddly enough, the Departments of Defense and Energy do business with firms that handle and dispose of radioactive materials. The Department of Education does not–and that in itself must insinuate something!
  • Harvey is a board member of Carlyle-owned Kuhlman Electric, a maker of transformers. Even though it has no defense contracts, it’s Carlyle-owned and therefore must do something bad, of which Harvey is undoubtedly the mastermind, or in which he is implicitly explicitly complicit.

So what does it all mean? That if Harvey is confirmed, he will favor his friends and companies for which he’s worked? How will Haliburton stand for it?

I guess the messages we can take away from this column, and those of its wide stripe, are that the only people qualified to run the government are not people who have real world experience managing organizations in relevant fields; oh, but no, the only people qualified for appointment are people who have hidden in academia or in newsrooms for most of their adult lives. These people have integrity, and presumably no friends to help.

Also, the second message is that any appointment from the business world would not throw himself into a new, govern-mental position with the same enthusiasm for maximizing resources and utility that made him or her successful in business and worthy of appointment; oh, but no, once they’re on the government payroll, it’s all about sucking the teat, unlike academics, intellectuals, or integrous media or entertainment icons.

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Activists Are Standing By

This column in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch indicates that Missouri currently does not have seatbelt laws for pets:

On Illinois and Missouri’s state highways, though, that’s perfectly legal, police say. Not for a dog to drive with no hands, but for one to roam free in a vehicle. There are no laws against it, and a lot of pet owners let it happen.

In a 2002 survey by the American Animal Hospital Association, 74 percent of 1,200 pet owners in Canada and the United States said they don’t use pet restraints while on the road.

The association, though, said that could cause trouble. It urges owners to use harnesses, seat belt attachments, or carriers.

“They help protect pets in case of a collision, and they keep pets from running loose and distracting the driver,” the association’s Web site says.

Undoubtedly, though, a crack team of activists are, well, acting to ensure this travesty will not continue, and that eventually drivers will not be allowed to have any unsecured item floating around the cabin of the car. Fast food wrappers, CD cases, pets, and loose change–by 2013, legislators will mandate that you need to lock all of these down as though you were piloting the space shuttle through re-entry every time you go down to the U-Gas for a lotto ticket and a fill-up.

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Let the Cacaphony Begin!

Let this story in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch with the headline 3-year-old wounds grandmother with gun lead to a bevy of batties in the belfry rattling their sightless bodies in favor of more gun control legislation because of this stupid, preventable accident.

Because they need a break from their machination mastications that take place in favor of banning cars whenever some SUV-armored pinhead on eating while on a cell phone plows into a Honda and shuts down I-270 for hours.

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I Guess Nobody Caught Her In Concert

Okay, let me get this straight. Smash Mouth is not allowed to perform at Fair St. Louis because they’re not family-friendly.

Now appearing at River Splash, Liz Phair.

Perhaps the bookers had not heard the songs “Fuck and Run” or “H.W.C.” (neither of which is particularly work-safe and will earn you content-scanning demerits should you click the links). Of course, I have never heard those songs, but I know Liz Phair might be moderately radio-friendly these days, but family-friendly, she ain’t.

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Close Second to Censorship

Headline in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: Tony Twist wins $15 million verdict. The story goes like this:

Tony Twist, the former rock ’em-sock ’em Blues hockey player, was awarded $15 million Friday by a jury that concluded comic book artist Todd McFarlane had profited by using Twist’s name without his permission.

McFarlane, formerly the principal artist and writer of Spiderman comics, gave the name Tony Twist to a violent New York mob boss in McFarlane’s Spawn comics in the early 1990s.

In a case that could have broad meaning for artistic freedom, McFarlane insisted the name had literary value and his use of it was protected under the First Amendment, but Twist contended McFarlane had exceeded free speech rights.

It was the second time for Twist’s claims to go to trial. A St. Louis Circuit Court jury ruled in Twist’s favor in 2000 and awarded him $24.5 million, but the trial judge overruled the verdict and the state appeals court later ruled in McFarlane’s favor citing his free speech rights. The Missouri Supreme Court, however, last year ordered a new trial after concluding that McFarlane’s use of Twist’s name was driven more by moneymaking than by “artistic value.”

“They made Tony into a Mafia boss,” said James Holloran, an attorney for Twist. “He was involved in murders and kidnappings and rapes.”

Reporters have a constitutional right to write freely about Twist as a hockey player, even calling him a “goon” or “enforcer” for his rough play on the hockey rink, but that First Amendment freedom does not extend to using his name for commercial advantage, Holloran said.

McFarlane’s attorneys argued that his use of the name was protected and that no reasonable person would confuse the fictional character with the real person.

McFarlane did not name the mobster Tony Twist. Tony Twist in the Spawn comic book was a nickname given to a mobster whose real fictional name was Antonio “Tony Twist” Twistelli (more detailed Sports Illustrated article). So a tough guy enforcer thug with a name of Antonio Twistelli was given the nickname Tony Twist, an allusion to the hockey player made his living espousing those qualities. Not a rapist nor a murder, but the nature of metaphor is that it’s not an exact photograph, merely an outline and comparison.

I get it. I don’t mistake an inked mobster with the former Blues favorite. But then, I am capable of cognitive thought, and am not of the great abstract masses purportedly unable to tell the difference.

The use of the Twister’s name (hey, will he sue the producers of that movie for stealing his nickname?) represents realistic idiom. When people talk, make slang, and assign nicknames, they often use allusions to contemporary events, celebrities, and sub-celebrities in the public eye. Writers often make idiomatic use of a famous person’s name to describe something about their characters and the story. However, this ruling sets the precedent that if the idiomatic use is not flattering, the sensitive celebrity whose name is getting used in a less-than-flattering light (often because the celebrity has done something mockworthy or less than flattering) can sue for millions of dollars, no matter how little the celebrity’s actual worth is impacted. Woe to the writers in America, since these little casual asides now must be vetted for legal exposure and liability.

Coming soon, Monica Lewinsky’s action against Law & Order and countless other stupid lawsuits. The government, by encouraging (and make no mistake, the precedent will encourage) these worthless lawsuits indirectly prohibits another small measure of free speech in America.

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The Personal Is The Political

Count this as a victory for the agitators of the 1960s: personal things take on political overtones, such as getting fired:

One day after she was fired, former U.S. Park Police Chief Teresa Chambers accused the Bush administration Saturday of silencing dissenting views in the rank and file.

Chambers’ departure may not garner the same spotlight as those of former counterterrorism expert Richard Clarke and former Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill, but it appears to fall into a similar category: officials who leave or are forced out after questioning Bush administration policies.

Just Jo Functionary doing the job to the best of her ability, but fired because she was a maverick who didn’t follow the book? Well, yes:

Chambers said that she didn’t expect to be fired seven months after the Interior Department put her on administrative leave with pay for talking with reporters and congressional staffers about budget woes on the 620-officer force.

You know, we here in the private industry world would get canned and possibly sued if we were to disparage our employers in the media. In government, you get seven months of free money without having to pretend you’re working and a gold bullhorn to trumpet the iniquity of it all.

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Book Review: The Pocket Muse: Ideas and Inspirations for Writing by Monica Wood (2002)

I bought this book as part of a package for signing up with the Writers Digest Book Club. As part of the package, I paid something like a dollar for it plus shipping and handling, and undoubtedly it was the last book in the required allotment of four or five to get the free Writer’s Market that year. To make a short story long, I don’t normally seek out this sort of book, but I got it, and I read it.

Essentially, it’s a little collage of writing ideas, some microessays about writing, and a lot of photographs. The style’s such that you can pick it up, flip it open, and have something to write or some lesson about writing. Numerous single-sentence mandates dictate that you should write about a particular topic or situation; other pages contain a single, often vertical, “horiscope message” that could serve as a plot. So there you have it.

The author embraces the writer lifestyle, which involves teaching college classes, going on writers’ retreats, and “getting published” along with all the touchy-feely, grok-the-word crepe that festoons the lives of the lifestyle’s participants. Personally, I’m not all into that–particularly the last part, apparently–so I could do without it. Still, it’s an interesting little book, a quick enough read (since it’s probably under 10,000 words all told in its unnumbered pages), and maybe something from it has stuck in my mind and has been encysted into a pearl of a story or essay for the future.

At worst, it’s book number 41 for me on the year and will add a small element of color to my trophy bookshelves.

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Adding Flour to the Conspiracy

The San Francisco Chronicle plays with verbs when it presents this on its Web site:



SF Bush Headline

Click for full size

Text:

Bush Military Info Destroyed
Payroll records that could clarify his service history were damaged. Pentagon blames ‘deterioration.’ AP

Really? The Pentagon–Bush’s Pentagonblames deterioration? What about “explains fact” or “cudgels conspiracy theory advocates with facts, to no avail”?

Here’s the words from the article:

The letter said that in 1996 and 1997, the Pentagon “engaged with limited success in a project to salvage deteriorating microfilm.” During the process, “the microfilm payroll records of numerous service members were damaged,” the letter said.

This process resulted in “the inadvertent destruction of microfilm containing certain National Guard payroll records,” including Bush’s, the letter said.

This particular conspiracy stretches back to the last year of Clinton’s first term and the first year of his second! Damn, these Bushies are thorough.

I mean, it must certainly be unthinkable that this particular set of undifferentiated records from thirty years ago were damaged by underpaid, but underwhelming, low-ranking government and military functionaries. Instead, the San Francisco Chronicle would seem to have you connect the stars to make damning constellations.

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Deeper and Deeper

Not only do campaign finance laws protect incumbents, but as Owen at Boots and Sabers points out, apparently they also protect polisci majors and other non-productive members of society. Or at least they penalize business owners who run for office:

The next few months are a vital time for selling cars, but the Russ Darrow Group, with 20 dealerships throughout the state, may have to stifle its familiar pitch.

That’s because it is a vital period for selling candidacies, too. And the namesake of the car dealership chain, Russ Darrow Jr., is in the hunt for the Republican U.S. Senate nomination.

New federal election law may forbid any television or radio advertising bearing Darrow’s name and not funded by his Senate campaign during the 30 days before the Sept. 14 Republican primary.

“It would appear as if such (car) advertisements might be considered electioneering communications,” and thus prohibited, said Ian Stirton, a spokesman for the Federal Election Commission.

Citizens, I ask you, is this freeing you from the corrupting influence of advertising impressing messages into your malleable mind or is it protecting a self-appointed ruling class who can schmooze their way through four years of schmooze classes, a couple of D.C. internships, an appointment or two, and then election through incumbent indulgence?

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1-800-888-4848, Ext. 8201

Apparently, Subway restaurants have determined:

Beginning Sunday, Subway stores throughout the [St. Louis] metro area stopped handing out a stamp for each 6-inch sandwich purchased, as did Subway restaurants in Knoxville, Tenn.; Madison, Wis.; and Lansing, Mich.

“A number of franchisees feel that we are too big of a company to have an incentive program. They have elected to participate in a test to see what the customer feedback will be,” said Subway spokesman Les Winograd at company headquarters in Milford, Conn. “They may replace it or go back to the way it was or drop it entirely.”

Apparently, St. Louis is one of the test markets for this new “program” of discontinuing a program that has been in place for 39 years, since Subway’s founding. Subway has determined that its name recognition alone will spur brand loyalty, even when faced with competition here with Quiznos, Blimpies, Mr. Goodcents, and other smaller shops just trying to get a foothold in the apparently-lucrative submarine sandwich franchise space.

You can call Subway at the number listed above to register your feelings on the subject or just to let them know you’re a consumer who’s paying attention and don’t subscribe to the theory that less-for-the-customer-is-more theory.

Class, what would Niccolo Machiavelli say about this particular idea? Hmmm?

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