Steve Jobs and Michael Dell ARE IN MY HEAD!

Dell Computers and Apple Computers are trying to brainwash me. Here’s how:

In the course of my self-employed Pat-Verbeek-of-Software-Testingdom, I have cause to use an eMac computer and a Dell workstation to test the various and sundry applications that clients pay me innumerable (as I explain to the auditor) dollars to test. My main workstation has a standard keyboard, with the slight rise and the stadium keying layout, where each row rises a little above it. The kind I’ve used since I got my first Packard Bell in 1990. The natural shape one can even remember from Commodore 64s and Apple IIs, and probably even abacuses.

But the eMac has a concave keyboard; that is, it’s curved, with the tops of the keys actually turning toward your fingers like flowers to a star.

But the Dell workstation has a convex keyboard; that is, it’s bowed outward, like its keys are employing centrifugal force to fling my software-destroying fingers into space.

And you might think it’s nothing but some sort of Substance of Style-ing to be neat-o, but friends, I can tell you what they’re doing–they’re doing Pavlovian and Skinner tricks on you, and you’re the dog and chicken. Apple, dog, and Dell, chicken. Pay attention!

You see, if you use one of these freak keyboards as your primary interface with the greater intelligence that is the Internet, Blogosphere, and Return to Zork, you’ll grow accustomed to the unholy shape beneath your fingers. Then, when you’re forced to use a different computer, that is, not a Dell or not a Macintosh, you’ll think it weird, inconvenient, and slightly uncomfortable. All because you’ll have to use a normal keyboard.

So forget Bill Gates; he’s trying to rule the world in an honest, straightforward fashion. Dell and Jobs are conditioning you, man. Rise up! By an old keyboard at a yard sale for a buck and use it. Or you will be a lifelong customer lackey of one of these aforementioned diablolical geniuses.

I beg of you.

(Why, yes, another part of my s.e.P.V.S.T. lifestyle is drinking a lot of coffee, sometimes two or three pots a day. Why do you ask?)

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Renaming the Hamlet Test

Some IT shops within the greater St. Louis area have learned to fear the Hamlet test, wherein a software tester (whose identity shall remain hidden to protect him from the raging hordes of developers seeking revenge) pastes the entire contents of Shakespeare’s Hamlet into a text box to see what happens when he tries to commit it to the database.

Well, those same developers should prepare themselves for the next generation of the Hamlet test: Hamlet in Klingon.

Unicode includes Klingon letters, ainna?

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Another Helpful Error Message

Here’s a friendly error message courtesy of Amazon.com:


Browser Bug?


Attention: There appears to be a bug in the web browser
you are currently using. Here are some ways to get around the problem:

  • To return to the page you were previously on:

    –click the BACK button on your browser’s navigation bar until you
    reach the desired page.

  • To checkout –click on the shopping cart icon at the top
    of the page and proceed through the checkout process using the standard
    server (instead of the secure server). You can phone or fax the credit
    card information to us.

Your Web browser is Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.0; rv:1.7.3) Gecko/20040913 Firefox/0.10.


Error handling by blaming the user and the user’s Web browser. Swell, Amazon. Undoubtedly, your developers have convinced your project managers that this is acceptable, when it’s clearly not.

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That’s a Friendly Error Message

A little helpful note from Blogger:

Internal Server Error

The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.

Please contact the server administrator, blogger@trakken.com and inform them of the time the error occurred, and anything you might have done that may have caused the error.

More information about this error may be available in the server error log.

You know what I did? I used your schnucking product, that’s what I did.

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No Irony To See Here, Move Along

From Mandrake Linux’s download page:

Since Mandrakelinux is an Open Source product, it needs your financial contribution. Developing a Linux distribution is very costly, so it’s up to the community of users to ensure its health. Do you want to help Mandrakelinux become even more robust and powerful? Would you like to see Mandrakelinux become the next standard operating system?

Before downloading our products, we ask for your support by joining the Mandrakelinux Users Club. The Club was created to fund the development of the Mandrakelinux distribution and to pay the salaries of employees who are dedicated to “external” Free Software projects such as the Linux kernel, KDE, GNOME, Prelude, and others. The Mandrakelinux Club also provides attractive benefits to its members such as specialized Internet services and download of many extra-applications.

Free Software can only remain healthy with your financial support, so please join the Mandrakelinux Users Club today.

I understand that’s why some communities–called “companies”–charge money for things.

It’s organic socialism, and I don’t mind it a bit; however, applying the same concepts to government leads to all kinds of irritation on the part of us heartless fiscal conservatives.

In case you’re wondering, I didn’t download from the Mandrake page; I’d rather pay for the convenience of having a set of CDs and some rudimentary documentation without having to read through a bunch of developer-created documentation scattered among Web pages.

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The Anti-Lileks Speaks

As a rule, I don’t read Bill McClellan of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch because I find him droll, uninformed, and pointless. But I couldn’t resist today’s offering because it deals with my industry: Computer field leaves veterans out in the cold:

Twenty-five or so years ago, a lot of really smart, forward-thinking people studied computer science. These were people who recognized that computers were going to change the way the world does business. But revolutions have a way of turning on their own, and this one has been no exception. Many of those smart, forward-thinking people are now out of work, increasingly desperate, their careers in shambles.

Cue the violins.

One is a woman with a master’s degree in information management. She has been out of work for almost three years. She gave up job hunting last summer because it’s just too depressing. She told me she sent out more than 300 resumes and got only a handful of interviews. She is approaching 50.

“Older workers are finding themselves shut out of the I.T. market,” she told me.

Must be ageism. Except:

I got some insight from a fellow I visited this week. He, too, is out of work, but he is still looking. He graduated from college about 20 years ago. Early on, the job market was terrific. Everybody needed computer people. A few years ago, though, there was a seismic shift in the job market. Everybody still needed information technology, but instead of hiring the I.T. workers as permanent employees, businesses hired them as contract employees. They were hired for specific projects. Remember the Y2K panic? Those were good days for computer people. Still, the shift to contract work was ominous for two reasons.

First, you couldn’t settle in with a company. You had to be constantly rehired, and each time you had to be rehired, you were competing with younger people, competitors who were not only willing to work for less but whose knowledge was more current.

For instance, the fellow I visited this week told me the computer language of his day was COBOL. Apparently, that is as out of date as Sanskrit. Oh sure, he has gone to night school and tried to learn the hot new languages like Java and JavaScript, but companies want people with work experience in the new skills – exceptions made for recent grads – and how can you get experience if you can’t get hired?

Not a lot of work out there for blacksmiths these days, either, but undoubtedly that’s an upcoming Bill McClellan column.

The second problem with contract work is outsourcing. So many computer jobs go to India these days. Recently, we were having a problem with a computer at home, and my wife called for help. She spoke with a young man in New Delhi.

I mentioned outsourcing to the fellow I visited, and he said it isn’t just outsourcing. American companies bring Indian workers to this country, he said.

This was clearly a difficult subject for him. He’s an educated man, and he did not want to appear xenophobic. I don’t blame the Indians for taking advantage of opportunity, he said. But still, it’s difficult to know that our jobs are going to foreigners, and we can’t find work, he said. All the big companies are doing it, he said.

Those violins crescendo.

The fellow I visited has worked for a number of the big companies here – Angelica, Anheuser-Busch, BJC – and he’s had a pretty good run of it. In his last job, which lasted five years, he made $70,000 a year, and he got benefits, too, because he works through a consulting firm, kind of a high-end Manpower place. But now he’s out of work. He’s got house payments and a child in high school. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

Come on, McClellan, you’re not spinning any fresh cobwebs here. You know, if you’re going to try to make it through a career in the IT industry, you’re going to have to keep your skills up to date, mostly on your own, as you zig-zag through a number of positions. Contract work does suck, but within those contracts, you have to take whatever opportunity you have to expand your skill set on your own. Or just don’t do contract work for a consulting company.

If you’re a good worker, smart and skilled, you should have a network of people who’ll keep you up on job opportunities and shouldn’t have trouble finding work. Unfortunately, whenever I read these people, I see a parade of Dilbertian Wallies, looking for jobs where they can punch the clock and collect exhorbitant paychecks for forty years and then retire with a pension, or at least a healthy 401K, and that’s just not going to happen any more.

You’ve got to fend for yourself, and keep yourself fresh. Hop jobs, don’t incur too much debt, and don’t plan on your income remaining the same or growing perpetually. Start your own company if you have to. COBOL Commandoes. You’d certainly have that niche market covered.

Or you could become a newspaper columnist for the Post-Dispatch. Apparently, there you can stagnate and keep getting paid for it.

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The Chosen Language

Slashdot links to this piece: Top Reasons Why People Think Java Un-Cool – Debunked.

Oddly enough, those ten reasons tend to include things like “Java is so easy to use” and “Java is mainstream” and “Java’s not geeky enough.” Mmm-hmmm.

Funny how the reasons that Java has been considered uncool are also its marketing strengths. Speaking as a QA person and a developer who’s worked in several Java shops, I’d posit its uncoolness on its non-robust interface APIs which lead to clunky, good-for-1984 user interfaces which, oddly enough, did not play nicely with the dominant operating system. If you’re a Java geek, working from a Linux command line, any window (or frame or panel) looks usable, but a functionary sitting at a desktop trying to do his or her job as easily and as quickly as possible, without handy stack traces, would probably disagree.

What’s my point? Java’s okay for middleware, but its interfaces have not been cool and as far as I have seen haven’t yet gotten cool.

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My Time is Coming

All six of you daily readers knew it before I did, but this blog will take me to success. Why, just today I received this recognition in my Hotmail Junk E-Mail folder:

Dear Webmaster,

  I am writing to you because I am exchanging links with some of the best
business related websites on the web, and I want to exchange reciprocal
links between your site http://stlbrianj.blogspot.com/ and my site.
http://www.[obscenity deleted].com
is a leader in its industry. We
have thousands of people visit our website each day looking for franchising and
small business information in their desired category. This will provide
a valuable resource for each of our readers and will be instrumental in
building traffic for both of our sites. I look forward to hearing from you soon
so that we can both
begin to enjoy the benefits of the exchange.

 Sincerely,

Angela Tidwell

PS- If you are interested in Pursuing a Link Exchange with our site Please feel
free to use the information below.Also please send me your information as well
as the exact location of my link and I will have your link placed and confirmed
within 48 Hours. If you’re not interested and wish to not be contacted again
please just let me know and I will promptly remove you from my contacts.
TITLE:Franchise
URL:http://www.[obscenity deleted].com
DESCRIPTION:[obscenity deleted] has one of the best franchise directories
and most comprehensive franchise listings in the business.

If I only roll over and play stupid, I could be a meaningless classified ad in the back of an online version of a free-pickup magazine destined to fold after a single ill-conceived issue. Man, I am lucky to have this opportunity!

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Sure, Blame QA

Somewhere, some project manager is undoubtedly chewing out his or her QA staff for letting this one get through:

A computer glitch grounded American Airlines and US Airways flights from coast to coast Sunday morning, causing delays that were expected to last all day.

American had its planes back up after two hours, while US Airways flights were grounded for about three.

Federal Aviation Administration spokeswoman Diane Spitaliere said the FAA was alerted to the problem, and both carriers asked the FAA’s air traffic controllers to help communicate with planes to keep them on the ground until the problems were fixed.

US Airways spokeswoman Amy Kudwa said the airline’s flight-operation database malfunctioned, due to “an internal technology problem.” A similar problem affected American’s flight plan system, grounding about 150 flights, spokesman John Hotard said.

But hey, I bet EDS delivered the system on time, on budget, or neither, by trimming some quality assurance somewhere.

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I Want That Job

The BBC reports:

Five memory cards for digital cameras were subjected to a range of tests.

The formats were CompactFlash, Secure Digital, xD, Memory Stick and Smartmedia.

They were dipped into cola, put through a washing machine, dunked in coffee, trampled by a skateboard, run over by a child’s toy car and given to a six-year-old boy to destroy.

That beats software QA any day.

(Link seen on Instapundit.)

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Venting the Venom

Hey, check out Thomas Sowell’s latest column, wherein he takes on the notorious extraneous bells and whistles software industry:

One of the maddening things about some computer programs and computerized products is their making you fight your way through a maze of complications to do simple things. Whether you want to play chess, take a picture, or do some other obvious and straightforward thing, you must first deal with a zillion options to do things you have no interest in doing.

The fact that there are innumerable features built into any product — whether computerized or not — does not automatically mean that you have to deal with the features you don’t want.

That’s because too much software is designed by developers, many of whom think vi was a pretty good interface.

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Not ACCOUNT DELETATION!

From today’s junk e-mail:

                          Dear U.S. Bank valued member,
       Due to concerns, for the safety and integrity of the Internet Banking community we have
issued this warning message.
 
       It has come to our attention that your account information needs to be updated due to
inactive accounts, frauds and spoof reports. If you could please take 5-10 minutes out of
your online experience and renew your records you will not run into any future problems
with the online service. However, failure to update your records will result in account
deletation. 
 
       Once you have updated your account records your online banking account will not be
interrupted and will continue as normal.
 
             Please follow the link below and renew your account information.

                                                              
                                                 U.S. Bank Internet Banking

Ladies and gentlemen, good grammar and good knowledge of proper English are a stalwart defense against junk e-mail.

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Do the Math

Techdirt links to a story that says:

…20 percent of U.S. residents admit buying products from spam purveyors.

Techdirt also links to a story that says:

The US has a hardcore group of people who simply aren’t interested in using the Internet. Around a third of US adults have rejected the Net, causing researchers to split them into two distinct groups.

That would seem to indicate that 1/3 of the people in the United States connected to the Internet buy things from Spam! Well, it would, except:

  • By 20 percent of U.S. residents, undoubtedly they meant respondents to the survey.
  • It’s unclear whether “spam” means opt-in e-mails and e-mails from companies with which the users already have an established relationship.

Other than that, the stories are sensational!

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What a Difference a Decade Makes

Admit it. When you watched The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in 1990, you thought a computer with three CD drives was ostentatious.

But fourteen years later, you wish you could have a super tower with 30 CD drives just so you could have a DVD player, a CD-RW, a DVD burner, and enough CD ROMs to contain all the copyright-protected games you play regularly without requiring you to reach under the desk every couple of hours to fumble for the little eject button.

Or maybe it’s just me.

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Do They Really Understand Why There Are Prices?

/. links to a story on the BBC which says Microsoft might have to raise prices to pay for its exorbitant legal fees and fines.

From the BBC story:

Microsoft is objecting to the size of legal bills submitted by lawyers who brought an anti-trust case in California against the software giant.

Microsoft told a California court that consumers could suffer if it has to pay the full $258m (‘/£146.7m) bill.

The legal costs are part of Microsoft’s settlement for over-charging consumers buying its software in California.

“I wouldn’t have put it in if I didn’t think we earned it,” said Eugene Crew, the lead attorney against Microsoft.

“Somebody ends up paying for this,” said Microsoft attorney Robert Rosenfeld. “These large fee awards get passed on to consumers.”

Insightful commentary from the Slashdot poster:

Do they really understand why there are laws?”

Spoken like a professionally overpaid, but open-source free-software-loving burgeois Marxist. Let me explain, once again, the real world. Companies want to make money. To make money, they design, build, or provide things or services. They then offer to exchange same for a quantity of money that covers their costs as well as make a tidy profit. The profit margin’s really determined by the demand for the thing or service, and it cannot equal zero or a greater number (m >=0). So when the cost of providing the good or service goes up, such as a result of regulation or litigation, the price of the good or service goes up. End of story.

Information wants to be free, quoth some developers making upper five or lower six figures, who don’t work for enough soup to sustain themselves and a simple pallet in the corner upon which to sleep.

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