Category: Humor

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I’ve been writing this blog for almost 14 years now, and I’m pretty sure my income from it has been about $150 total.

So I’m preparing to start the next year off by monetizing the blog properly by quickly whipping out listicle and life hack hints with clickbait headlines.

I hope you’ll enjoy the new format and will turn off the ad blocker and click some ads for gas relief products, gentle reader.

Continue reading “Save Money On Laundry By Determining Which Clothes On Your Children’s Floor Are Clean. THIS REALLY WORKS!” →

Continue reading “How To Clean Your Entire Home Without Chemicals! The Shocking Tip SC Johnson Doesn’t Want You To See” →

Suddenly, my son turns up the radio whenever he hears “Rumor Has It” or “Hello”.

So I tell him, “Dude, you’re getting Adele.”

He doesn’t get it.

When I heard Adele on the radio:

I thought, “She’s younger than Joss Stone.” Which blew me away. About a decade ago, St. Louis radio had 104.1 Red, which was an actual broadcast radio station that played Big Bandish, Tony Bennett, light swing jazz sorts of things that included Joss Stone. A teenaged British wunderkind singing “I’ve Got A Right To Be Wrong”:

So I looked into it.

Actually, because Joss Stone was a wunderkind who hit the radio in her teens and because Adele is a little older than I thought, they’re closer in age than I’d expected. Joss is a little over a year older.

But a decade later, I sure miss the radio station. I’ve picked up three Joss Stone albums since then, zero Adele. But not for long. And if I do, I’ll be sure to hide them from my child.

Marco Rubio does not have blond hair.

Why is he getting a pass on this falsehood?

I had a little fun on Twitter contributing a bit to the list of #TheForceAwakensSpoilers (caution: may contain actual spoilers).

I wrote most of my spoilers before I saw the film. And they were spot on.

They include:

• Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! You bastards!
• They probably could have cut the scene that showed what Boba Fett looks like after thirty years in the Sarlacc pit.
• BB-812
• I thought Gollum was not Gollumy enough.
• I was the only one in the theatre that didn’t cheer when Iron Man cameoed to blow up a TIE Fighter on Red 3’s tail.
• R2D2 puts in his emotion chip.
• Luke finally gets to Tosche Station, but they’re out of power converters.
• Kylo Ren kills Dumbledore.
• At the end of the first act, Finn tries to kill Rey to get the ring to save his home planet.
• Wookiees also smell worse on the inside.
• Kylo Ren force chokes enough Star Destroyer captains so that Ensign Crusher assumes command.
• The gang pulls off Chewbacca’s mask, revealing Old Man Cotter and foiling his plan.
• So old Han Solo got, talks like Yoda he does.
• Kylo Ren? Jo Jo Binks, following in his father’s footsteps.
• George Lucas Editor’s Cut Edition.

It’s almost like I had a pirated copy of the script!

I try so hard to be funny, but.

Peas retweet! pic.twitter.com/iDNxhus2hR

— The Director (@QAHatesYou) October 20, 2015

Amongst themselves, the felines tell a terrifying tale of a creature that comes out of the darkness to suck up unwary cats.

They call this beast the Chupagato.

It’s probably just a legend, though.

Kung Fury:

(via Sharp as a Marble.)

So I’m three or four years behind on my reading of Birds and Blooms Extra. Which, to be fair, is not a magazine you’ve probably heard of nor one you’d expect me to read. But there was a time, long in the past, where I was interested in, if not birds, at least pretty flowerbeds and vegetable gardens. But that was before I moved to this Cthulhu-forsaken bermuda grass jungle. But I digress.

In an autumn issue, we’ve got an autumn-themed full page image, prints available for sale. And they’ve got a quote by Albert Camus on them.

I’m not sure if that’s a real Camus quote or not. To be honest, I haven’t read all of The Myth of Sisyphus yet. Maybe it’s from that. But I can’t imagine how it came to be that this quote was appended to this image. Did an editor say, “Quick! we’ve got a picture of autumn leaves on a fungus! Get me an Existentialist quote, stat!” Did a passive-aggressive copy editor with a literature degree titter over his keyboard when he threw this quote on the picture, expecting no one would get it? Or, more likely, did someone do an Internet search for autumn quotes and find a result he or she liked?

Yes.

I, on the other hand, might have selected “Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don’t know.” Which is why I am not in charge of putting quotes on pretty pictures for a national magazine targeted to older people in the northern Midwest.

Here is the official Brian J. Noggle scale of a workout’s intensity:

Decent: You mutter to yourself.

Good: You mutter to yourself in a voice from out of The Exorcist.

Very Good: You mutter to yourself in a voice from out of The Exorcist in Latin.

Excellent Workout: You mutter to yourself in a voice from The Exorist in Latin and invoke curses from the dark tome Bellicis Artibus Idoneitatem et Veneficia.

Last night, I had an excellent workout, and I want to apologize to any instructor who is afflicted with painful boils or whose vehicle is destroyed by a hail of toads.

Just keep your clothes on, dude. Nobody wants to see that.

I’d been suffering from low energy levels and a bad mood, and I asked my doctor about it.

“Do you have children?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Do you order and eat a lot of cheese pizzas?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

It turns out I was suffering from low T, low Toppings.

The doctor gave me a prescription for a pizza with all the toppings, including pepperoni, sausage, green peppers, onions, olives, and bacon. With regular consumption of pizza suitable for a man, I feel great! My energy level is higher, I can lift the back ends of small cars (although not Priuses because of the extra weight of the battery), and an increased drive to talk about pizza with lots of toppings. Additionally, my beautiful wife has noticed a change in me: my breath after eating a T-laden pizza contains elements of the aforementioned ingredients.

So if you suffer from low T, do what I did: order a deluxe 4 meat pizza. Make sure the total for the pizza with all toppings comes to at least 20 bucks.

Ordering a T-laden pizza is not for everyone. Do not feed a T-laden pizza to your baby if you’re breastfeeding. Do not drink alcohol with INXS when eating a T-laden pizza. A choice of pizza toppings is important and should not be decided by advertising or wry blog posts. Pineapple does not count as a T-laden topping. Standard restrictions apply. Jeez, what kind of advertising am I going to see on the Internet now that I’ve searched for low T and AndroGel on the Internet to shape this bit of satire? For Pete’s sake, the government is going to put this in my permanent electronic health record over a JOKE! Wait, let me point my supposedly turned off Web camera at the floor where I’ll do some pushups to show I’m really okay. No, please, nobody wants to see me TURN IT UP.