Guns Don’t Kill People; Shootings Kill People
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Category: Headlines
Put An Ad On Craigslist, Someone Will Apply
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He Must Have Had a Heart Attack
Skydiver killed when parachute fails
I mean, if the death was immediate.
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Addicts Have To Steal
SUV crashes into store, perhaps in attempt to steal guns
With gas prices so high these days, vehicles are forced to a life of crime.
Or maybe it was planning an invasion of Venezuela to liberate some sweet crude.
(Link seen on Ravenwood’s Universe.)
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How Can You Lose What You Don’t Have?
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Another Horror of Reanimation
Not only are the results undead, but they’re litigious:
Former Dead musician sues YouTube over unauthorized videos
Dr. Frankenstein never had this problem, but he was before the time of cell phone video.
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Someone Handled Their Loss to Detroit Badly
First, McLennan does some slashing, then Calgary loses. Then, the rampage: Flames rip through south St. Louis home.
There is too much violence in hockey.
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Certainty in a Headline
Finally, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch drops all mincing words and qualifiers and boldly asserts something without a doubt:
‘Doomsday vault’ near North Pole will keep species safe from war, disaster
A highly speculative science fiction story that has so far only received some funding gets the solid verb tense. But deal with something that happened, and the Post-Dispatch will append “,(common noun) say” to the end.
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More Imus Fallout
Offensively named Don Ho fired from life.
UPDATE! MfBJN: Less classy than Rocket Jones!
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Senseless Shooting in Illinois
Cahokia fire kills mother, 3 children
I am trying to figure out the use of passive/active voice in St. Louis Post-Dispatch headlines. I think the rules are something like this:
- If it’s an intentional act of causing harm performed by a perpetrator of a crime, it calls for passive voice: Man Is Killed In Robbery.
- If it’s an act of nature that can show no mens rea, use a transitive verb that implies intention in the active voice: Cahokia Fire Kills Mother, 3 Children.
Does that about cover it?
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In Other Campaign 2008 News
Gore’s plan: Run harder, do better
Oops, sorry. Wrong Gore.
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Unfortunate Juxtaposition of Headlines
From today’s StLToday.com:
Man charged in gunplay at Metro East mall
Shopping center war to escalate
No word on weather Congress has determined a redeployment timeline now that the war is escalating over shopping centers.
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Guns Don’t Kill People
St. Louis shootings wound 2, kill 1
If only we could get the shootings off of the city streets and into jail, St. Louis would be a far safer place.
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The Hawaiian Insurgency
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Alaskan Insurgents Strike
Alaska Moose Brings Down Helicopter
Retreat! Redeploy our rangers to Seattle where they’ll be safe!
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Mainstream Media Under Fire
AP classes face scrutiny in audit
Oops, guess not.
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Post-Dispatch Comments Inappropriately On Performers’ Weight
Dixie Chicks are big Grammy winners
Hey, now, that’s just inappropriate. I realize Natalie Maines has run a little more voluptious than most contemporary magazines would idealize, but must the Post-Dispatch add disproving adjectives to their headlines?
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The Wrong Use For A Parachute
Golden parachute cradles Harrah’s CEO
Some people, even “professionals” can hurt themselves with metaphors.
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Post-Dispatch Headline Needlessly Savages White House Press Secretary
Snow: Just enough to mess things up
Now that’s not called for.
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Unfortunately, The Cognac Didn’t Make It
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