Make Yourself a Punchline

Today’s lesson in how to make yourself a punchline in one lawsuit or fewer: "Woman sues store, claims she was attacked by bird":

A Centreville woman claimed in a suit filed Wednesday in Madison County Circuit Court that a bird attacked and seriously injured her while she was shopping at a hardware store in Alton.

Rhonda Nichols, 40, alleges in the suit that a bird flew into the back of her head while she was at the outside gardening area of the Lowe’s Home Center, 1619 Homer Adams Parkway.

Nichols is seeking damages against the store in excess of $50,000.

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Cause and Effect, and Ne’er the Twain Shall Meet

Shocking new AARP study: Harder to swallow: Prices for seniors’ brand-name drugs rising fast, study finds

Wholesale prices for brand-name drugs commonly used by seniors rose an average of 7.1 percent last year, far outpacing the general inflation rate, according to a study released Tuesday by AARP.

The association representing seniors found that the 2004 price hike marked the largest one-year increase relative to inflation in the five years that AARP has sponsored the study. The U.S. inflation rate, as measured by the consumer price index, was 2.7 percent last year.

“I don’t see how it can incite trust in drug companies when they’re seeing the same drugs going up in prices, so much higher than inflation, year after year,” said David Gross, senior policy adviser with AARP’s Public Policy Institute and one of the study’s authors. “It’s not like these are different or better drugs. These are the same drugs.”

What, oh what, could cause price increases?

Painkiller Bextra pulled from shelves
Chicago Law Firm Files Bextra Class Action Lawsuit Against Pfizer
Merck Announces Voluntary Worldwide
Withdrawal of VIOXX®

Idaho lawsuit filed against Vioxx
Schatz & Nobel, P.C. Announces Class Action Lawsuit Against GlaxoSmithKline plc
Wyeth to Pay $5.5 Mln in Two More Fen-Phen Cases
Indian passage of patent law slammed
US’ Largest AIDS Group Seeks Improved Access to Life-Saving AIDS Drugs in Mexico
Connecticut mulls drug reimportation
Pharmacists fault Maine drug reimportation plan

The obvious answer, to fAARP, is greed on the part of the pharmaceutical companies, not the increased costs of business spurred by increased government scrutiny, media hysteria, and class action litigation.

Instead of using its members contributions to agitate for nationalization of the drug industry–which is the pit at the end of the slope, gentle reader–perhaps the fAARP could buy drug patents or perhaps develop some pharmaceuticals on their own.

Oh, but no. That would require actual work instead of commissioning studies, holding meetings, and having lunches.

(Submitted to the Outside the Beltway Beltway Traffic Jam.)

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Real Men Aren’t Afraid To Wear Pink

Someone asserts: "Pretty (cool!) in pink", which not only offers a bright shirt with the caption Tough Guys Wear Pink, but also asserts:

What do baby blankets, bridesmaids, hip-hop artists and skaters have in common?

Pink!

In case you haven’t left the house or turned on MTV in the past 12 months, pink is hot for guys. And girls are hot for guys in pink.

Reminds me of my grandmother’s second wedding. I was an usher, blushing with the responsibility at 19. The wedding colors included pink, and the dictum would indicate I would wear a pink shirt. Acourse, as a poor boy, I didn’t own any pink shirts and didn’t have the fiscal wherewithall to readily acquire one. Besides, I don’t like pink. So I said I’d wear a white shirt, of which I had plenty because in those days, you damn kids, grocery store baggers wore slacks, white shirts, and ties.

“Real men aren’t afraid to wear pink,” my stepmother manipulated.

You see, friends, real men (of whom tough guys are but a subset) don’t follow the dictations of fashion magazines and newspaper columns. Why, every time I look at the style section of FHM or Playboy, I smirk. The guys down at Tap City would beat the cosmopolitan out of me if I tried to real the suggested clothing among them, and I wouldn’t blame them; t-shirts should come free with proofs-of-purchase or should cost under $10 for a brand name advertisement or under $15 for saying something clever. They should not cost $30 to display a fashionplate of an upscale store and should never be worn under a sport coat unless you’re Billy Joel or Billy Jack circa 1979.

You want to know what real men do? They do whatever they want, in a burly fashion.

If they want to wear pink, no one says a word. And if they think pink clothes are fru-fru, they don’t wear them contrary to the prevailing winds of fashion. And they post blog entries about it.

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Another Camera Triumph!

Another surveillance camera triumph, as reported in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and posted at Power Line:

According to the criminal complaint filed Monday in Hennepin County District Court, the victim boarded the bus at 7th St. and Nicollet Mall in downtown Minneapolis. Six to 10 young males in the back of the bus surrounded him and taunted him, making repeated references to his race (the victim is white, the suspects black). When the bus stopped at 34th and Fremont, they grabbed him and pulled him off, the complaint said. They punched and kicked the victim, breaking his wallet chain and fleeing with the wallet, which contained $17.

He ran to a nearby convenience store and called 911. He suffered scrapes and bruises to his face, forehead, hands and back, the complaint said.

Video surveillance from the bus shows the group dragging the victim onto the sidewalk, according to Metro Transit police.

“It was outrageous,” said Metro Transit police Capt. Dave Indrehus. “The victim in this case was totally innocent, had nothing to do with these parties.”

The video shows that other bus passengers did not try to intervene, Indrehus said. “Quite frankly, I don’t know if I would blame them,” he said. “You may end up becoming a victim yourself.”

Remember the benefits of video surveillance:

  • It’s cheap.
  • It provides evidence.
  • It puts no law enforcement personnel at risk.

Doesn’t help that poor kid much, though, does it?

Also, special kudos to the police captain for praising the non-intervention of the citizens on the bus. Keep ’em docile.

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Washington University Socialdents Protest Low Tuition

The absurd protest at Washington University continues with more threats from the administration and with displays of inanity by the students. In case you’re not in St. Louis and haven’t been following the story, the students are protesting the low tuition at Washington University, where a year of tuition for undergraduates will only be $31,100 next year.

Well, not directly:

Instead of disbanding, the students called for a hunger strike in support of higher wages for some campus workers.

One would hope that not many economic students are participating, since they know that higher costs lead to higher prices. Or should know it. Come to think of it, any student should know it, but I regret knowing what they teach in universities instead.

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Random Junk Mail Quote of the Day

From an unsolicited packet, marked DELIVERY MONITORED! to appeal to paranoid occupants like me, advertising an air purifier:

Oxygen is nature’s beneficial element. It is what makes the sky blue. It is what nature uses to get rid of everything harmful on earth.

Well, oxygen is a key component in fire.

So this thing wants to pump ozone into your house to make your household air pure; it calls ozone “activated oxygen” and pretty much implies they’re throwing in an extra atom of oxygen into when you buy an atom of O2.

What the hey, have another quote:

The electronic spark ozone air purifiers use an electric spark to produce ozone. The electric spark produces oxides of nitrogen that form an acid in the air which is corrosive and toxic. The electric spark can cause explosions and it can interfere with radio and T.V. signals.

I understand explosions can also adversely impact radio and television reception by themselves.

Perhaps I should read more junk mail. It’s making my afternoon.

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Ding, Dong, Ditch, and Do Time

Kids arrested in Port Washington, Wisconsin, for Ding Dong Ditch.

So make sure you’re always on the stoop after you ring the bell, or they’ll get you for Attempted Ding Dong Ditch or Conspiracy to Commit Ding Dong Ditch. And if that’s not enough, they’ll make subsidiary charges like Wearing Sneakers During Commission of Ding Dong Ditch.

Because everything changed on 9/11.

Okay, I am done now.

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Contract and Constitutional Law Taught By Pacers Player

Professor O’Neal explains:

Indiana center Jermaine O’Neal said the NBA’s desire to put an age limit in the next collective bargaining agreement could be driven by racism.

“In the last two or three years, the rookie of the year has a been a high school player. There were seven high school players in the All-Star game, so why we even talking an age limit?” said O’Neal, who was drafted out of high school in 1996 by the Portland Trail Blazers.

“As a black guy, you kind of think that’s the reason why it’s coming up. You don’t hear about it in baseball or hockey. To say you have to be 20, 21 to get in the league, it’s unconstitutional. If I can go to the U.S. army and fight the war at 18, why can’t you play basketball for 48 minutes?”

Heh. And that’s a mean heh.

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Spot the Absurdity

No, I don’t mean the obvious absurdity of Illinois distributing scratch ‘n’ sniff cards so authoritarian figures can reference the scent of methamphetamine ingredients. No, look beyond it and find more subtle absurdity in the following:

The cards, when scratched, would emit the odor of anhydrous ammonia, an ingredient used in the methamphetamine production process that smells distinctively like cat urine. They would be distributed, by the Illinois State Police and the Board of Education, to teachers, school employees and day-care center employees to help them identify children who have been exposed to meth, the bill says.

“Most people haven’t smelled meth,” said state Rep. Michael P. McAuliffe, R-Chicago, who introduced the bill in late February, adding, “Not too many people know about this drug, and it’s everywhere.”

McAuliffe said last week that despite the rapid growth in meth use and production in Illinois, few people can detect the signs of addiction or exposure, particularly exposure to children. Many children, McAuliffe explained, live in homes where meth is produced or smoked and absorb the smell in their hair, skin and clothes.

“The teacher might say, ‘How many cats do you have at home?'” McAuliffe demonstrated. “The student could say, ‘We don’t have any cats.'”

Which is more patently nuts?

  • The paradox of this statement: “Not too many people know about this drug, and it’s everywhere.”
  • The thought of a child’s teacher sniffing the child’s hair and, if the teacher thinks the hair smells like this card, the authorities launch a full drug enforcement investigation, possibly culminating in no-knock raids with weapons out.

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Police Call 9/11

A Best Buy customer is handcuffed and taken to jail for paying with $2 bills, and the police call 9/11:

For Baltimore County police, said spokesman Bill Toohey, “It’s a sign that we’re all a little nervous in the post-9/11 world.”

That’s right. Overly aggressive and inappropriate police behavior threatening to cause a stain on the public trust? Just call 9/11!

(Link seen on Instapundit.)

UPDATE: John Cole had the same thought.

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Book Report: Needlepoint on Plastic Canvas by Elisabeth Brenner De Nitto (1978)

All right, so I read this book; I even bought it, although I couldn’t tell you if I bought it at a garage sale or very cheaply at a used bookstore. I bought it, though, because I’ve done needlepoint on plastic mesh before and will do so again before they stop me. Besides, once purchased, it was on my to-read shelves and represented an easy browse to removal. So I flipped through it enough to satisfy my interia criteria for having read a book, and now I’m reporting on it.

The book includes a number of projects one can do with needlepoint taking advantage of the new plastic mesh canvas which apparently came on the marketplace at about that time; the book lists several suppliers and brand names. Now, I walk into Walmart and just buy whatever cheap sheets my Walton cousins stock. But back in the day, undoubtedly this was the hot new technology, like .NET for crafters. The introduction chapter talks about the transition from fabric canvas, and I laughed out loud when I realized that I took for granted a two-step stitch–once down through the canvas and once up–to which fabric crafters, who were used to folding the canvas for a single-step stitch, would have to adjust.

Undoubtedly, Lileks could do a number on the patterns in this book, but I won’t; I will, however, comment that my mother was a Creative Circle representative, and she used to hold Tupperware-style parties to sell patterns, yarns, kits, and whatnot to housewives. This was almost thirty years ago, in the early 1980s, and I remember a certain number of craftesque gifts exchanged and some crafty things around the house and the houses of people whom I visited. Is it just me, or is the number of home-crafted things in decline? I don’t know many of my generation/peerage who sew or do crafts. Acourse, we’re all geeks who spin yarns called computer programs and the assorted effluvia of the IT industry, so perhaps my perspective is skewed.

So what did this book gain me? I have a listing of other stitches I can use on plastic canvases. I don’t think I’ll use the patterns within it, nor did they particularly fire my imagination for projects. I did, however, finish book #31 for the year, and I still have the collection of Dick Tracy cartoons in reserve for if I fall behind my desired pace.

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Step 3: (Government) Profit!

So we’re driving north on Interstate 39 in the middle of Illinois when there arises from the plain an almost unearthly sight. Dozens of towers break the horizon, each with spinning blades:

Wind farm near Paw Paw, Illinois

I don’t remember those spires from my frequent trips up the highway, and sure enough, they’re new:

Step 1: Anything innovative that moves human progress forward.
Step 2: …
Step 3: (Government) Profit!:

It really wouldn’t surprise many La Salle County officials if a wind farm sprung up on someone’s property in the county within the next couple years.

So in an effort to plan ahead and gather more revenue, county development committee officials Friday agreed to add a $25-per-foot inspection fee for all towers built in the county into its proposed commercial, industrial and multifamily building code ordinance.

“We need to do something quick-like because they’ll be here before we know it,” said committee member Richard Foltynewicz (D-Ottawa).

Because La Salle County officials have seen the construction of a wind farm in neighboring Lee County, they’ve gotten ahead of the curve and want to implement the tax before they actually have anything to tax.

Oh, sorry, it’s a $25-per-foot inspection fee. An arbitrary number that doesn’t account for the amount of time an inspector would have to spend on the site nor on the actual productivity of the wind farm or profitability of the company collecting the energy. No, it’s on the height of the windmill, which makes about as much sense as taxing a company based on the number of letters in its name.

So keep that in mind, gentle reader, whereas your elected officials want you to think they share your goals for cheap, renewable energy and less dependence on foreign oil, they really do, but they have their priorities. And the top of the list is getting more of that sweet, sweet tax money that will hinder progress and which will eventually come from your pockets.

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You Might Be a Felon If….

(Inspired by this book and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy….)

  • If you have ever poured a cleaning agent or solvent down your drain without first consulting the Material Safety Data Sheet and EPA regulations….you might be a felon.
  • If you have ever told a law enforcement official that you have committed a crime, even if you were joking or being a smart ass…..you might be a felon.
  • If you have ever put a sack of potting soil in a flowerbed before checking with the Army Corps of Engineers to find out if you’re on an officially-designated wetland…..you might be a felon.
  • If you have ever had trouble with a Federal form so you call their helpline and they tell you which box to check and you turn it in, but the helpline people were wrong….you might be a felon.
  • If you are a doctor and your receptionist’s 1s look too much like 7s to a Medicare data entry clerk…..you might be a felon.
  • If you have ever displayed a pellet or BB gun in such a fashion that someone can see it…..you might be a felon.

If only it were a comedy routine and not the law of the land.

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The Bray Dissent

Missouri State Senator Joan Bray (D-University City) also dissents from Go Directly to Jail by wanting to make a felony crime in the state of Missouri to not disclose a criminal record when getting a mail order bride:

Missouri men seeking a “mail-order bride” from a foreign country might soon have to disclose their criminal records and previous marriages to the prospective fiancee.

A bill before the Legislature would require the full and accurate disclosure of such information. The measure would apply equally to a woman who sought a husband from another country. A violation would be a felony.

The bill, sponsored by Sen. Joan Bray, D-University City, is an attempt to stop the abuse of foreign women who suddenly find themselves in a strange country married to violent men.

A ham-fisted attempt which probably wouldn’t protect that many foreign women in a strange country married to violent men. But hey, felonies don’t cost anything to legislate!

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The Sensenbrenner Dissent

Apparently, congressman F’n Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI) dissents with the themes in Go Directly to Jail as he wants to pass a law that mandates show a boob on television, go to Federal prison:

Rep. F. James Sensenbrenner III, R-Wis., told cable industry executives attending the National Cable & Telecommunications Assn. conference here on Monday that criminal prosecution would be a more efficient way to enforce the indecency regulations.

“I’d prefer using the criminal process rather than the regulatory process,” Sensenbrenner told the executives.

You know, perhaps I could support the concept if we extended the definition of boob to publicity hound, power-mad elected official.

Also, perhaps this explains Sensenbrenner’s strong anti-immigration stance. He wants to save them from indecency on American television.

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Book Report: Go Directly to Jail: The Criminalization of Almost Everything edited by Gene Healy (2004)

As some of you know, I recently bought this book on Amazon for like full price because its description indicated the book echoed themes I’ve raised before on this blog. And so it does.

Some people get a chill from horror novels. I’m working on Stephen King’s It, and a killer clown in the sewers bothers me less than The Three Billy Goats Gruff did back in the day. When I want to self-impose fear, I pick up a book like this.

The book runs 150 pages, which includes extensive end notes. It comprises an introduction and six essays. The essays do tend to focus on crimes that companies or more powerful people could commit–environmental crimes, medical crimes, violations of business laws. Of course, these sorts of crimes would certainly interest the contributors to the CATO Institute, who put this book together. Although I’m not planning to do any industrial dumping, the implications of these new classes of crimes frightened me enough when I realized that charges for these crimes can apply to the individual as well as the corporation if a prosecutor or law enforcement official wants them to do so. Black magick.

Two other essays in the book deal with:

  • Project Exile, which allowed for federal enforcement of gun law violations; although I started the essay disagreeing with the premise that Project Exile was bad (hey, how could it be bad to keep guns from felons?), the essay convinced me. The government’s goal is worthy, but its tactics are frightening. Spending federal money to hire federal prosecutors to prosecute essentially local crimes and do nothing else leads to creative, aggressive pursuit of the goal. High conviction rates don’t necessarily mean success; they could mean creative application of the process and law in pursuit of the goal.
  • Federal Sentencing Guidelines, the Byzantine set of documentation that dictates how federal judges must impose sentences based on complex computations established by an unelected commission. The essay explains how this came about and its effects, including creative fact-bargaining and prosecutors holding back evidence from the trial to present during sentencing to increase the perpetrator’s time.

The book didn’t touch too much on layering–the prosecution of the same crime at many levels of government–although it did mention it. Also, it didn’t touch on nonsense measures that outlaw things that offend vocal minorities, hate crimes, or the criminalization of non-criminal acts that criminals sometimes perform as precursor or part of another crime. Perhaps it’s just as well this book didn’t take on those topics; I’m having enough trouble sleeping as it is.

Tone of the book is reasoned essay, unlike stream-of-consciousness screeds you get out of popular broadcast journalists who write political books. These essays build cases and take their time to get to the conclusion. Many of them are actually condensed from longer pieces. So it’s not a quick read, but it’s a thoughtful book, and since it’s only 150 pages, it’s a good week of reading.

Now I’ve read the book, I just need to be an influential about the ideas presented.

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