There’s a lesson to be learned from the short parade of women making accusations against Arnold Schwarzenegger and the solemn judgment cast upon it by Gray Davis, who claims that some of the contact is in fact, criminal and anyone who would vote for Arnold Schwarzengovernor is voting for a potential (in case you missed it, I will bold, italicize, and CAPITALIZE) CRIMINAL. Also, by parade, I mean couple of people walking single file, so a passerby might confuse this parade of aggrieved and traumatized women with a normal bunch walking to lunch. But I digress.
The lesson to learn is that touching the breast of a female who doesn’t want her breast touched is criminal and a man who does such is not morally qualified to lead. To put it more succinctly:
Getting thrown out at second base should bar you from public office.
That’s right. Every guy who’s kissed a girl in high school and then thought, “Hey, we’ve been dating a week and a half, maybe I can touch her sweater….” is now a man beast incapable of leading. Because let’s face it, in our youth, we men have often tried to encourage persons of the opposite sex into sexual congress with varying styles of unspoken subtle nudging or overt, “Nice shoes, want to, er, fornicate?” and with varying degrees of success, which sometimes ended in unsuccess when male hand met female flesh and the female said no.
So that leaves the following people eligible for office:
- Heterosexual women.
- Ricky Martin (or other sexy from a young age celebrities) to whom the women have probably never said no.
- Guys too dorky to ever consider sex as feasible.
- Gay men, particularly gay men who were never in the closet in high school and didn’t date girls in confusion or as a cover.
- Catholic priests or other religious or ascetics who have taken, and held, a vow of chastity.
- Extremely cautious guys who insist upon consent forms signed in front of witnesses and insist upon videotaping the proceedings for evidence. A lot of my dates went fine until that point, let me tell you.
- Guys who held out resolutely until marriage. I’m not sure we could elect a full Senate from this group.
- Guys who only frequent prostitutes.
That’s a wider list of possible rulers than I thought when I first started compiling the list, and you know, I think you could draw a whole class of Platonic rulers out of there.
And as a rhetorical loaded question smear, I present:
Which of these categories does Gray Davis fit into?
I am going to use that as a clip if I ever get interviewed for a job as a professional journalist.
