Category: Life

How hard can you expect a university to be when it’s URL is http://www.uwlax.edu/?

I hereby proclaim the first full week in September Capitalist Week.

It’s only fitting to be longer than Labor Day, since capitalism has done more for this country than organized labor.

That is correct, my Post Fetal Creature (PFC) is a freakin’ genius. He’s only six weeks old and he’s already talking. Well, he’s said his first word, anyway. That is correct, at only six weeks old, my heir said, quite clearly, “a.”

What, you noun-and-verb fetishists, an indefinite article isn’t good enough for a first word? No, you want “mommy” or “dada” or “absquatulate” before you’ll consider it a word.

You’re just jealous of my child’s obvious gifts.

Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7… Minute… Abs.
Ted: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you’re going.
Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin’ there, there’s 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted: You guarantee it? That’s – how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you’re not happy with the first 7 minutes, we’re gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That’s it. That’s our motto. That’s where we’re comin’ from. That’s from “A” to “B”.
Ted: That’s right. That’s – that’s good. That’s good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you’re in trouble, huh?
[Hitchhiker convulses]
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody’s comin’ up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won’t even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That – good point.
Hitchhiker: 7’s the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that’s the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin’ on a branch, eatin’ lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea. It’s like you’re dreamin’ about Gorgonzola cheese when it’s clearly Brie time, baby.

Well, it’s close.

I mean, who hasn’t seen the stray drops fall from the nipple as you try to align the bottle with the mouth of a squalling, squirming baby, striking his or her cheeks, chin, and lips….who hasn’t seen that and thought of tracer rounds?

To tuck or not to tuck that is the question

“Most men want to wear the accepted norm, and for years that used to be khaki pants, a tucked blue shirt and black belt,” explains Gregg Andrews, a fashion director at Nordstrom.

Now, he says the uniform is premium jeans and a striped button-down shirt that is untucked.

Not in my world, mister. Do some sit-ups, by a real holster for your concealed carry needs, and tuck it in.

It’s not waterboarding as interrogation; it’s yoga!

Be sure to click view the Windows Media Player video How to use a Neti Pot in the right sidebar, just in case they reinstate the draft and you’re assigned to Guantanamo Bay.

When in Rome, do as the Visigoths do.

UPDATE Oops. Oh, yeah, I completely, inadvertently, ripped off Mark Steyn. Now I feel like a real blogger, headed for scandal. And after I even sent it to Top Five’s Ruminations, too.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Also, let me win the Powerball.

Some people see the Virgin Mary in foodstuffs. Not us; we’re patriots.

Well, no. Ajax isn’t too knowledgeable about baby furniture.

McDonalds Hugo-sized drink reminded me a lot of Hurricane Hugo, but what’s the problem? In a couple years, it won’t even be on the list of the top most damaging US Hurricanes, and it was almost 20 years ago. Before many of its target audience were born.

Drives me as mad as anything, that companies tack on service charges and other means of bleeding you after hooking you in with a low price or rate. Economists are making their theories, and Christopher Shea reviews.

Bottom line, it helps the savvy consumer by soaking most idiots.

Why did a hottie take up with a down-on-his-English-degree printing press operator like me?

Because chicks dig sardonic humor and classical allusions, apparently.

Remember, Googlers, when you’re trying to figure out how to attract hot women, the answer is read more Shakespeare.

Early contributions to the identity crisis of the Noggling:

1. Professor Higganbotham
2. Dr. DeGassio
3. Jimmy Ray
4. Jimbo McGibblets
5. Instapoopdit
6. Mr. Fussbudget
7. Fussbucket
8. Waylon

Sorry for the light posting, but I’m doing maintenance.

The Fedora Lounge.

Finally, a reason for the Internet.

(Link seen on the sidebar of The Confidentials, a Milwaukee blog. I got two of my first fedoras at Donge’s on 3rd Street, werd.)

Am I, as Jean-Paul Sartre suggested, metamorphising my own For-itself into an In-itself-For-itself, or am I merely suffering from a bit of indigestion?