To be able to say "Noggle," you first must be able to say "Nah."
So we’re discussing the relative intelligence of our cats at Nogglestead, and I insinuated but then walked back that our largest cat is not very smart.
At which point, I told my beautiful wife, “If we had a dumb cat, we’d name him Shane.”
“Why Shane?” she asked (for it).
“Dumb cat Shane, baby. Dumb cat Shane,” I responded.
It was the sort of joke that I knew wasn’t particularly funny, but a couple beats later, I laughed out loud at the sheer Brianness of it.
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When lining your household garbage cans with used plastic grocery bags, place the bags inside the garbage can inside-out so your guests don’t have to think before judging you based on where you shop!
::sniff:: They do not shop at Trader Hole Organic Foods Farmers Market!
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Although I’m not clear if it’s still legal in Europe to cut and paste different images and drop text on them for humorous effect. Or an attempt therein.
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So, the other night, I was grilling chicken and pork at the same time, and I had separate tongs for each for sanitary reasons.
The tongs were not the same size, but I could remember easily which was for which meat.
The longer of the two was for the pork. Because who can forget long pork?
I would have posted this on Facebook, but there’s this one guy that I used to work with that would always thumbs up every cannibal joke I made (like this one seven years ago, which I also posted on Facebook along with Donner party gags from time to time). Which was creepy.
Probably as creepy as making cannibalism jokes, but I’m not that self-aware.
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But I’m drying out a sleeping bag that one of my boys brought back from camp this weekend…
and there was dew on it this morning.
(Source of the allusion for you modern readers. Likely one of the people in the room will think it’s humorous, and the rest will miss the gag entirely.)
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All right, technically it was not William R. Cyrus; it was Reed Nielsen and Monty Powell.
But Billy Ray gave it its depth.
I’ve been in the mood for old country music lately, whereas old means twenty-five or thirty years old, from when I was young. Not old as in Patsy Cline or Buck Owens.
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I’d have to impersonate a fourth grader, but my beautiful wife does say I look young for my age.
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Now that we have convinced America that Die Hard is a Christmas movie, it’s time to take our game to the next level.
Adventures in Babysitting is a Marvel film.
I watched this film over and over as a kid because it was on Showtime, and I wasn’t supposed to leave the trailer when my mother was working, which was all summer long for a couple of years. So if you’re a longtime reader, you know I watched a lot of films that appeared on Showtime over and over.
Which is why I remember that the little girl wore a Thor helmet throughout and even, if I’m not mistaken, wielded Mjolnir at the beginning of the film, and at the end, she thinks that the helpful mechanic is Thor. What if he was? He didn’t look to different from the Thor from the Incredible Hulk television movie (The Incredible Hulk Returns).
As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure Marvel has actually made this little girl Thor at one point in the comic books.
Also, look at the back:
A Marvel copyright statement.
Q.E.D.
(See also Now That The Die Hard Battle Is Won.)
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Since I have this photo without text already on the blog, I might as well drop some Impact on it to recycle it.
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When I make jokes like this, there’s sometimes only one person in the room who laughs.
Congratulations if it is you.
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Sometimes, I have to type a word, backspace over some possible misspelling, and then type it two different ways a couple of times until I’m sure it’s right, which is often after I look it up.
Like devestated devastated.
Well, I’m not going to play that particular game any more.
From now on, it’s devostated in my writing.
I’m pretty sure those of us of a certain age will get the point even without embedding a music video every time it appears.
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Mango but pawn in game of life
When I was working as a produce clerk while at the university, a friend of a co-worker asked me if we had any mongoes. I didn’t recognize what she was asking for, and my co-worker explained that she was from Puerto Rico and was asking about mangoes. Of course, it was a dive of a grocery store so it didn’t have mangoes, but I’ve pronounced it the Spanish way ever since.
Even though, apparently, the fruit is not native to Central and South America as I thought; it’s native to Asia. Well, I have a choice to make now that I have misinformed my family: I can correct my assertion to them and further illustrate the fallability of the father in this household, or I can let it lay and maybe let them discover at some future time that their father was comfortable making daft assertions that were untrue.
You know what I’m going to do already, don’t you?
This Christmas, I put a mango and a kiwi in each of my boys’ stockings, and I finally served them up, but the boys didn’t like them. I tried a couple of segments and found they tasted a little like mango but a whole more like pickled herring. I guess it’s hard to get tree-fresh mangoes in Springfield, Missouri, in December.
That’s right: I am changing the subject.
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I know some of you will take offense at this, but….
Happy Hollandaise
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I could not mention Dio in a post yesterday and not post this:
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Seen on Facebook (again), but this time from an unusual source:
I guess the wounds caused by the Thirty Years’ War, fought between the Catholics and the Protestants, have finally healed.
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I am the master of all I survey.
How true is this statement?
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E. Coli,
E. Coli,
E. Coli,
Romaine.
Come on, someone on the Internet had to do this, and it might as well be me.
Of course, this being the Internet, someone probably already has. But I’m too lazy to check.
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This meme has come up on my Facebook feed recently:
You know who else is presented in this lean? The Chacmool:
Why are so many musicians into the “thundering paw,” and are human sacrifices involved?
Why is the press not covering this?
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Instapundit links to a ToiletTree Professional Water Resistant Heavy Duty Steel Nose Trimmer with LED Light, Silver.
Me, I clicked through because it sounded like a high-tech drain auger.
But, no, it’s not steel-nosed. It’s steel for your nose:
- This high-end cordless battery-operated nose trimmer with bright LED light is made of high quality steel; the light comes in handy when you need to get at those hard-to-reach and hard-to-see hairs
- The lightweight, but powerful, rotary cutting system allows hairs to enter the trimmer tip from the top and also from the sides, which is very helpful for stray hairs not only in the nose but also on your eyebrows, beard, and ears
- Right out of the box, you will feel the difference, precision, and quality of this trimmer; it offers a smooth trim with its stainless steel high quality blades and gives you a perfect cut every time; no painful pulled hairs
- Our best water-resistant design allows you to use this trimming tool in the shower and it makes clean-up afterwards quick and easy; it’s the best trimming and cutting tool you’ll ever experience from a men’s clipper product
- This nose trimmer operates on just 1 AA battery (not included), which makes it an economically affordable way to take care of the daily trimming needs of your nose, brows, and ears
With all that steel and LED technology, I hope it can take care of those hard-to-reach Facebook Portal tracking devices.
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