Category: Humor

You know why they have expiration dates on yogurt? Because that’s how long it takes the fruit in fruit yogurt to ferment. Dude, I know a guy –he’s a friend of a friend to you–who bought a couple twelve packs of Dannon marked down because they were going to expire, and he put them in his fridge. A week later he’s hungry, and its three days after their expiration date, but he ate a couple of them and got a buzz, so he ate them all. He got so wasted on yogurt that he blacked out and woke up in his backyard wearing nothing but his Playboy robe.

I guess the yogurt manufacturers put those dates on them so the grocery stores won’t sell them to underage people. But if you want some cheap liquor without an ID card, you should look through the grocery stores’ dairy cases for the old yogurt. Sometimes, you can even find stuff that’s already expired.

Go ye forth, and pass it on. You know it’s true, because it happened to a friend of this guy you know, and you read it on the Internet. That’s double-checked accurate.

I am so hungry I could eat a meal.

And I said, “What about Breakfast at Tiffany’s?”
She said, “We never even watched that film.
And you don’t recall, I said I hate Katherine Hepburn.”
And I said, “Well, it was someone else then.”

Although it fulfills the requirements, namely:

• It rhymes.
• It refers to a cute animal.
• It also refers to a sweet ice cream flavor.
• It ends, twice, with the long e sound.

Chunky Monkey is a very bad choice for a pet name for your wife.

Because if I didn’t warn you, gentle but unthinking sometimes male reader, you, too, might try it, to poor results.

Gentle poet, here is a bit of advice as you compose your next sonnet for your beloved:

Femur rhymes with lemur.

Panera Bread, parent company of the St. Louis Bread Company and the name by which it conducts business elsewhere, was formed by an Egyptian cult, the Pane of Ra movement. This group believes that the consumption of bread prepares one for the afterlife, and that if one has bagels with hummus or some other concoction of cibatta and cream cheese, one can survive the journey.

Them: How is Heather?

Me: I’m sorry, HIPAA regulations prohibit me from sharing medical information about my wife with a third party.

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Warning: Contains Spoilers! Like everyone else this weekend, Friday night at midnight found me with inked sigils upon my body, attire of coarse robes, and silly-looking glasses. In other words, it was a normal Friday evening. But on Saturday, I too joined America in picking up the latest Potter book, and I read it in one sitting. After which point, I could hardly walk after not having eaten nor napped in the afternoon as is my wont. This one departs from earlier novels and takes the series in a new direction. Harry Potter, having graduated and decided against wizard graduate school or a career in wizard fast food, returns home to Brooklyn to open a new storefront affiliate of Hogwarts. Thus, at Hogwarts High School, he becomes a teacher and mentor to a group of loveable losers called the Sweathogwarts. Although losers in the muggle world, the Sweathogwarts have power in the ways of disco magic and Potter begins to teach them to use their powers for good and not merely peeking into the girls’ locker room. But evil follows Harry across the ocean, and the Sweatwarthogs must confront an evil called the Woodman who’s working for He Must Not Be Named As The Confidential Source. I don’t want to give too much away of the plot, but needless to say the Sweathogwarts work together, with Harry offering guidance, and use the power of their authenticity, ethnicity, magic, and ‘fros to dispatch the Woodman. Rumor had it that someone would die in this book, and the rumor has become fact: Near the end, Malfoy comes into the apartment he has leased in Brooklyn to be evil’s base of operations. He finds a wand on the counter and as he’s looking at it, a nervous Barbarino comes out of the bathroom. Malfoy turns Barbarino into Swiss cheese. To lessen the impact, the book ends with Potter telling his wife Hermy a humorous anecdote about his great uncle’s cousin who owned a fish shop. Perhaps this foreshadowing indicates that the next book deals with evil under the sea? Let the speculation commence!

Getting a jump on the movie version of the Plame scandal, which will be as ageless and relevant as All The President’s Men for future generations, we at MfBJN proffer the following suggestion for cast:

The Operative Word (2006) Directed by Oliver Stone Writing credits Stephen Glass (written by) & Jayson Blair (written by) Genre: Comedy / Drama (more) Tagline: Love. Politics. Bush=Hitler. (more) Plot Outline: As retaliation for telling the truth about the Bush regime’s illegal war in Iraq, an evil mastermind outs an undercover CIA agent, putting her life in danger as she travels the world’s hotspots and New York’s photo ops to minimize the danger done by the real terrorists, the Republican administration. Cast overview, first billed only: Helen Hunt …. Valerie Plame Jeff Bridges …. Joseph Wilson Bjork …. Judith Miller Camryn Manheim …. Maddy Cooper Ed Asner …. Robert Novak Paul Giamatti …. Karl Rove Will Ferrell …. The "President"   (more) Production Notes/Status: Status: Announced Comments: Status Updated: 15 July 2005 Note: Since this project is categorized as being in production, the data is subject to change; some data could be removed completely.

Scheduled for release in October 2006. Just in time for elections Oscar nominations!

Surprised by a multiple birth? MfBJN offers handy motifs for naming multiple simultaneous children:

Presidential Theme

Twins:

• Zachary, Taylor
• John, Adam
• Rutherford, Hayes
• Chester, Arthur
• James, Monroe
• James, Garfield
• John, Tyler
• James, Madison
• Jimmy, Carter
• Franklin, Pierce

Triplets:

• William, Henry, Harrison

Musical Theme

Twins:

• Paula, Abdul
• Bryan, Adam
• Rick, Astley
• Lindsey, Buckingham
• Garth, Brooke
• Mariah, Carey
• Alice, Cooper
• Bob, Dylan
• Celine, Dion
• Missy, Elliot
• Aretha, Franklin
• Radney, Foster
• Peter, Gabriel
• Lou, Graham
• Billy, Joel

Triplets:

• Billy, Ray, Cyrus
• Terence, Trent, Darby

Okay, so it ran out of funny before I ran out of names.

Send me $8, and I’ll name a star after you and register it in blog post form on this blog, covered by common law copyright. And since I don’t have to waste money on the “book form” at the United States Copyright Office, I can save that filing fee and add it right to my bottom line. Boo-yah!

Perhaps I shouldn’t have brought that last bit up as it’s not a salient selling point.

If John is as dumb as a sack of hammers, and if Mary is as dumb as a three-quarters-full sack of hammers, who is smarter?

Arithematically, we might express it this way:

JohnIQ = 1s(h)
MaryIQ = .75s(h)

So on the surface, it would look obvious that John is smarter than Mary, but this assumes that the intelligence factor of multiple hammers is measurable in a number greater than 1. However, if each individual hammer actually reduces intelligence, that is, each individual hammer’s contribution to overall intelligence actually detracts from overall intelligence, in which case Mary, by having her intelligence diminished by a smaller number of hammers in the sack, would have the higher intelligence.

Man, I should have taken more, that is to say “any,” mathematics in college. However, as I do hold a degree in English, I can identify quickly within the word problem the patriarchy’s obvious oppression of Mary, wherein she’s only worth three quarters of the hammers of an equivalent male. This realization provides me with enough indignation to determine that to answer this word problem is to support the capitalists that hold Mary down. Also, I need to determine whether the hammers within the sack represent the proletariat and whether, by keeping them in the sack, both John and Mary (Biblical names–ergo Christians) are actually oppressors, but that’s another word problem of its own….

UPDATE: For my gentle European and Canadian readers working on this problem, I’d like to point out that 1 sack of hammers (SoH) is equal to 2.54 boxes of rocks (BoR), the metric measurement.