Category: Headlines

Police: Alley shooting hits man taking out trash

Alley shootings have rights, you know. Perhaps the headline writer should have thrown an “alleged” in there to make clear that the shooting might not have committed the assault as claimed, and it will have its day in court.

$6 billion planned for Afghan training

Sounds like a hook-ready project to me.

I’m just a caveman, your modern science of economics confuses me. Which is why I don’t understand the new law of supply and demand I infer from this AP article: Oil up to near $76 in Europe amid economic worries:

Oil prices edged up for the first time in five days Tuesday as rallying stock markets in Europe and a weaker dollar masked concerns of a slowing global economic recovery that could dent demand for fuel.

So demand is going down, and the price goes up, huh? That’s so weird.

However, those of us with a lick of economic sense (I got mine from my high school Economics class with Miss Hutson) can suss out the real reason. Let me try rewriting that:

Oil prices edged up for the first time in five days Tuesday as a weaker dollar meant that it takes more of them to buy a fixed commodity, such as a barrel of oil, in an international market.

Is it true? Hey, I don’t know what made the price fluctuate, but I think I have a better grasp than the AP reporter of basic economics.

Stone Temple Pilots coming to Family Arena

The only way that could get any more incongruous would be if the next part of it was To Open For Muppets on Ice.

Jobless exploited by worst long-term unemployment in 62 years?

To block this out for the theatrical release, put long-term unemployment over there, brandishing a whip over the jobless, compelling them to toil in its salt mines without enough food nor water.

No, scratch that, that’s work. Me, I’m stumped. Someone get that particular headline writer on the phone and ask him what that means, exactly.

Warm days, nights in 60s, NWS says

Dudes, that was forty or more years ago. Come, join us in the 21st century. Focus on our weather now.

St. Charles police officer shoots suicidal man.

His heirs are the proud owners of a single additional bullet.

Just snarking. The man survived, although he was the sort of suicidal who fails on the first shot, tries to draw the cops into killing him, and has to live even then.

Death rates decline sharply in kids under 5

You are healed!

St. Charles to host medication disposal event Saturday

Rapper Guru dies at 43 after battle with cancer

It goes against type, but our society will be a better place when more rappers die of old age and related diseases than shootings.

Marko spots a headline and draws the obvious conclusion.

I ain’t the only one who speaks English and reads them, you know.

Suspect reportedly shot by Springfield police during chase in jail

Snickering about the miswritten headline aside, which implies that the chase took place in the jail, we get this nugget about the shooting:

After the vehicle became stuck in the mud following a high-speed pursuit, Hilt allegedly tried to run over several police officers and was shot in the neck.

The suspect tried to run down the officers with a truck that was stuck in the mud? I see.

Reminds me of an incident in the St. Louis area a couple years back where a deputy pulled over a car full of kids in a manual transmission vehicle. When the deputy got out, the vehicle rolled a little purportedly because the driver didn’t put the parking brake on, and the deputy fired a barrage into the vehicle, killing some and wounding some more.

Jeez, guys, be careful.

UPDATE: I am not convicting the cops here in the court of my public opinion, since I am only working off of the newspaper’s reporting of the event.

Angelina Jolie visits Haiti with UN refugee body

Maybe she should have a sandwich or two on the plane ride back.

Audit suggests driver training for K.C. police

Business owners admit fraud

Crap, they’re onto us. We charge more than things cost us!