Illinois to track liquor sales to minor
In other news, the remainder of Illinois’ under-21 population has breathed a sigh of relief that the Man won’t be watching them.
That One Kid Must Be a Fish
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Category: Headlines
When Geeks Get Violent
Trivia events turn deadly in tough competition:
In St. Louis County’s VFW Halls and school cafeterias, a mistranslated Latinate, a misremembered movie quote, and even a sports record misstated by two at-bats have been motives for murder.
Fourteen homicides struck neighborhood Trivia Night fundraisers over an 18-month period starting in 2001. The seemingly trivial reasons behind the killings led a prosecutor to label it “Ground Zero for Senseless Murder.”
Oh, sorry, I misread the headline. It’s “Trivial events turn deadly in tough neighborhood,” which is much less amusing than where my mind went.
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It Pays To Diversify
Record sales and improved margins boost MEMC:
MEMC Electronic Materials Inc. said record sales and improved margins boosted profit in the second quarter. Although profit per share doubled to 36 cents a share for MEMC, that was short of analysts’ predictions that it would earn 42 cents a share.
Silicon and vinyl. They just go together.
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Government Punishes Those Who Buy Parks
Wentzville considers sales tax hike for parks
Dammit, buying a park is expensive enough without an additional government tax on the purchase price. When buying parks is taxed, only the government will buy parks.
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Going All Samson
Bush jawbones Hezbollah on Mideast peace issue
Unless he slew them with the jawbone of an ass, I don’t see how this verb fits into the characterization of presidential behavior.
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If Only This Story Had Been In The St. Louis Post-Dispatch
If only this headline would have been in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: Woman bitten by dog is in coma.
Because verbs are so much more expensive in the south, the St. Louis daily would have simply gone with Woman bitten by dog in coma, and oh, the fun I would have had. But the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel can afford the extra two characters’ worth of ink, and my world is less mirthful on account of it.
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Mail Order Bride Community Up In Arms
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Week of Odd Beatings Continues
Neighbor Of Slain Qaeda Leader Alleges U.S. Troops Beat Man With Beard
First a chihuhahua and now a beard. We’re sending a message to the world that Americans will beat you with anything they have at hand.
(Link seen on Protein Wisdom.)
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In Overland, They Still Practice Recount By Combat
Overland mayor survives recount
Unfortunately, the challenger suffered from a fatal naginata wound from the Once and Future Mayor, all hail!
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In Some Cultures, It’s a Gift From The Gods
Piece of plane nearly lands on 9-year-old
I mean, come on, at the very least, it’s free scrap metal. You can do so many things with scrap metal, not the least of which is trade.
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Nowhere To Go But Up
Baby placed in trash bin is improving
You know, if you’re dumped in the trash as a newborn, I’d say that you have nowhere to go in life but up.
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You Couldn’t Find a Better Union in a Fark Photoshop Contest
Pop-Tarts Presents American Idols Live! Tour 2006.
Someone out there in marketingland has a subversive sense of humor.
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Recursive Logic Error
Looks like everyone’s running with this story today: Study finds we’re human-chimp hybrid.
Revel in the logic, friends. It’s GNUs Not Unix all over again. We, humans, are a cross between humans and chimps. The humans that they crossed with the chimps were a cross between humans and chimps. Which in turn must have been human and chimp hybrids.
Sloppy headlines reveal sloppy thinking. And we get a lot of that in the papers today, ainna?
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Headline of the Day
Charity freeze money collected from raffle sales
To someone at the Post-Dispatch, no doubt charity is the plural of the original Latin charitum.
And if you click through the link to the story, note that it deals with one of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch‘s current crusade stories. On any given day in the last week or so, you can find the front page of stltoday.com banging on the drums in its current outrage kit:
- The Overland mayor who, after a close election, wants to throw out some of the city officials (today’s story: Hearing on Overland police chief to begin Tuesday). The Post-Dispatch, the people’s paper, sides against the elected representive of the people on behalf of unelected officials and cheers all sorts of procedural moves and an ultimate trip to the judiciary to thwart the rabble. Go, team! (For a complete list of stories and attendant column inches regarding this small municipality in the last month, click here.)
- A somewhat dubious charity called Gateway to a Cure that has run expensive raffles in the area for the last ten years. The Post-Dispatch has run articles digging for dirt for over a month now. They’ve not uncovered a smoking gun, but they have gotten another investigation of the charity. Kudos to the Post-Dispatch for ensuring that a struggling charity has to pay legal defense bills. (For more stories from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch about the charity, click here.)
Full disclosure: Heather and I rented a hall from this guy’s brother for our wedding reception, so for the price of a low rate, I’ve obviously sold the integrity of the blog. We never got our Shania Twain CD back from the brother after he played that innocuous “From This Moment On” for our first dance, so perhaps I ought to jump on the bandwagon and pillory the charity owner.
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Harsh Penalty for Dumpster Diving
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A Boy Named Schmuck
The headlines were amusing the first time I saw news about this fellow, but they’ve lost something personally for me, but maybe you’ll still get a kick out of them:
Schmuck honored as national coach of year
If you were born with a name like Schmuck, you could reasonably expect to be picked upon in school. Which makes this fellow’s career choice all the more self-flagellating, as he’s a high school sports coach.
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You Thought Municipal Governments Were Bad
Black holes seem to control galaxy development.
When a black hole condemns your house to make way for a new strip mall, your house stays condemned.
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No Childhood Disease Left Behind
Mumps cases multiply in Missouri, Illinois
But wait until they try long division.
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More Gay Marriage Fallout
Just like the opponents of gay marriage said, it’s anything goes, apparently:
Chihuly marries glass and gardens
As it says in the good book, “Thou shalt not lie with drinking vessels, as with flora: it is abomination.”
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The Caribou Have Pissed George W. Bush Off For The Last Time
Those damn infidel caribou on the ANWAR preserve are really gonna get it now when the drilling begins: White House Plans Smallpox Drill
That should teach them to stand in the way of American oil exploration.
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