Paranoia Shidoshi Say: Wreck Your Own Credit

Finally, the credit reporting agencies are putting your credit information directly into the hands of third world workers unbound by United States laws. That’s efficiency in identity theft.

Your paranoia shidoshi recommends you open as many credit cards as you can in the next three weeks, max them out, buy a new Porsche, get a mortgage, and have a ball. Remember Brewster’s Millions. Whatever you can consume, creditors cannot seize. So buy a couple cases of good wine, some exceptional chocolate, charter a jet, and fly a couple dozen friends to the Bunny Ranch. But don’t pay the bills!

You see, once you’ve reached a point that no one will give you change much less a credit card, no one will give someone who steals your identity a credit card, either!

Sometimes, the easy answers elude us, but that’s why I am the shidoshi, and you are the student.

There is liberation in the limitation of paying cash.

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Paranormal Columnists Read Reagan’s Mind

Although this column by Leonard “The” Pitts, Jr., deserves a full fusking, I’ll only fusk the chewy bits:

Now, this is “Must-See TV.”

I mean, I had no intention of watching CBS’ Ronald Reagan miniseries. But given the furor raised by the Republican party and assorted conservative pundits over what they perceive as a hatchet job on the former president, I don’t see how I can afford to miss it.

This week, CBS gave in to the pressure and announced that it had pulled The Reagans from its November schedule. The movie has instead been shipped off to the Showtime cable network, which is expected to run it next year.

The Republican faithful are counting that as only a partial victory. They’re pleased the show won’t be run on a major broadcast network. They’d prefer it not be run at all.

Mind you, they haven’t actually seen the movie. Their antipathy is based on a number of other factors, including the fact that Reagan is portrayed by James Brolin, husband of the über-liberal herself, Barbra Streisand. Then there are the script excerpts published by The New York Times, particularly one that portrays Reagan as lacking in compassion for gay people dying from a then-new disease called AIDS.

Yet as everyone knows, the Reagan administration stood silent on the sidelines in the early years of that plague. Reagan may never have said the words the script reportedly puts into his mouth — ”They that live in sin shall die in sin” — but the sentiment was certainly there. That’s an unalterable element of his legacy.

Oh, for crying out loud, Lenny, enough with the deduction of the interiors of men, huh? I understand that to a certain segment of the population, it’s the heart and not the actual words or deeds of men that matter. I even suspect that when Leonard Pitts, Jr., Googles himself and this site comes up, Lenny would reject any argument that intuition is a good source of premises for argument. Because it probably feels right to him. You like it, Lenny? I just know what you’re thinking!

    Which is ultimately what this argument is about, the battle for Reagan’s legacy.

Legacy, truth, they’re all a part of the great pastiche of grey that comprises relativism in all its beatuiful monochrome.

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Proud to Fly American

Apparently, there’s some feel-good story circulating that tells of how ordinary people supported soldiers on leave by giving up their seats on flights out of BWI to the traveling soldiers. Hmm. Here’s the story, according to Snopes:

Dear Friends and Family,

I hope that you will spare me a few minutes of your time to tell you about something that I saw on Monday, October 27.

I had been attending a conference in Annapolis and was coming home on Sunday. As you may recall, Los Angeles International Airport was closed on Sunday, October 26, because of the fires that affected air traffic control. Accordingly, my flight, and many others, were canceled and I wound up spending a night in Baltimore.

My story begins the next day. When I went to check in at the United counter Monday morning I saw a lot of soldiers home from Iraq. Most were very young and all had on their desert camouflage uniforms. This was as change from earlier, when they had to buy civilian clothes in Kuwait to fly home. It was a visible reminder that we are in a war. It probably was pretty close to what train terminals were like in World War II.

Many people were stopping the troops to talk to them, asking them questions in the Starbucks line or just saying “Welcome Home.” In addition to all the flights that had been canceled on Sunday, the weather was terrible in Baltimore and the flights were backed up. So, there were a lot of unhappy people in the terminal trying to get home, but nobody that I saw gave the soldiers a bad time.

By the afternoon, one plane to Denver had been delayed several hours. United personnel kept asking for volunteers to give up their seats and take another flight. They weren’t getting many takers. Finally, a United spokeswoman got on the PA and said this, “Folks. As you can see, there are a lot of soldiers in the waiting area. They only have 14 days of leave and we’re trying to get them where they need to go without spending any more time in an airport then they have to. We sold them all tickets, knowing we would oversell the flight. If we can, we want to get them all on this flight. We want all the soldiers to know that we respect what you’re doing, we are here for you and we love you.”

At that, the entire terminal of cranky, tired, travel-weary people, a cross-section of America, broke into sustained and heart-felt applause. The soldiers looked surprised and very modest. Most of them just looked at their boots. Many of us were wiping away tears.

And, yes, people lined up to take the later flight and all the soldiers went to Denver on that flight.

That little moment made me proud to be an American, and also told me why we will win this war.

If you want to send my little story on to your friends and family, feel free. This is not some urban legend. I was there, I was part of it, I saw it happen.

Sounds nice and patriotic, but let’s zoom back into the announcement from United, shall we?

“Folks. As you can see, there are a lot of soldiers in the waiting area. They only have 14 days of leave and we’re trying to get them where they need to go without spending any more time in an airport then they have to. We sold them all tickets, knowing we would oversell the flight. If we can, we want to get them all on this flight. We want all the soldiers to know that we respect what you’re doing, we are here for you and we love you.

Let’s separate the United “we” from the American people “we” for a moment, and translate that shall incensed blogger “we”?

We, a failing corporation in a failing industry now offer some shoddy customer service; as we, said failing corporation, have overbooked the flight to maximize our corporate revenue at the expense of the convenience of our customers, now ask you to give up your tickets to our customers because we American citizens all want to support our troops, right?

What a cynical, manipulative bunch of hooey.

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Who Is That Again?

In his column entitled Tiffany Trips Up: CBS’s problems are bigger than “Reagan.”, John Fund quotes some member of Congress to flying buttress his argument against CBS, specifically the ill-conceived The Real Beverly Hillbillies:

Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia suggested that, instead, Mr. Moonves program a reality show that relocated network executives to “the sticks,” where they would have to find a job. Mr. Moonves admitted the “phenomenal” opposition to the show left him “pretty surprised.”

Doesn’t Fund mean the old, out-of-touch, slow-drawling former member of the KKK pork-hauler Robert Byrd?

Come on, as a conservative, you’re supposed to bury this seizure, not to quote him as a relevant thinker.

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All Your Rights Are Belong to the State

More property rights hijinks. This time, a man who refused to remove junk from his yard is sentenced to a year in prison. He’s completely framing it as a property rights issue, and whereas I dispute the aesthetic appeal of the man’s “cause,” I have to agree. Trying to force him to remove his unsightly possessions from his property–and then seizing them and selling them at auction– violates his right to own junk. I mean, raw materials for his art.

I really snicker at the judge, though, who said at the sentencing:

He [the judge] also said it was Davis’ neighbors who were victimized – not Davis.

“What you’ve done, sir, in my judgment, has torn at the moral fiber of the community, of the state.”

Stephenson held up 21 letters from neighbors, complaining about Davis.

“You have caused them psychological damage,” the judge said.

Moral fiber? Sounds like moral tissue paper, which could be rent by a stiff breeze. And what kind of support group or therapeutic drugs do you prescribe for a freaking neighor with a messy lawn? I mean, with the new perscription drug fiasco coming soon to a protected class near you, the every other house in Jefferson County, Missouri is going to be dopes up, and the other half will be in jail.

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Re-Elect This Fellow, Stat!

In Arizona, a county rented some space for a court, and when it couldn’t come to an agreement with the land owner for a lease, it opened up a can of eminent domain and took it over.

“This means municipalities can identify a space they want and force a landlord to lease it to them,” said Mike Freret vice president of development for Orsett/Columbia Ltd. “It may mean that if the space they want already has a business owner in it, they could boot them out.”

Tom Irvine, who represented the county, said that’s exactly what it means.

Finally, the tyrants are feeling comfortable to explicitly state their belief that The State grants property rights. Soon, the Bill of Rights will also be recognized as retractable fiats issued by the Elect(ed).

Most important right, and it’s only in the Constitution indirectly. That oversight will cost us and our children.

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And Trevor Linden Is Henry Cameron

This week, a reader asks John Buccigross:

John,
I never thought I would read a hockey piece with a reference to Howard Roark. If you were to cast the Fountainhead of the late ’40s with contemporary actors, whom would you choose? What current hockey player would you have to play Mr. Roark?

To which Buccigross responds:

Howard Roark was tall, strong and uncompromising. Actor: Ben Kingsley, minus 20 years and plus five inches (He’s 5-foot-8). There are no tall, strong, young, uncompromising actors today. Hockey player: Todd Bertuzzi. He plays like he doesn’t care if anyone likes him. I love that.

Interesting theory. What about Scott Mellanby?

Hair the color of an orange rind is so hard to come by, and it’s awfully hard to see hair color under the helmets, wot?

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Which Dictator Am I?

Funny you should ask. Kevin at WizBangBlog led me to this self-discovery:

 
 


George Bush

You’re not the sharpest tool in the box and often have
to make up words to make yourself understood but you certainly know how
to work the system as a Mr. President Bush.
You take what you want, get people to do your dirty work but nurture your
allies making you a great collaborator and very dangerous enemy.

 

But that’s George W. Bush in the picture. Hmmm. Evil dictator. Hmmm.

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Want To Get Away?

Although this guy doesn’t care much for winter, I have to tell you, I would trade what he’s got for what I have.

Eighty degrees in November. I have the windows open and the ceiling fan on. Cripes! It’s November, the ninth eleventh month.

I don’t even have weight in the back of the pickup truck (sans stars-n-bars, Howie). What’s the point? It will just get wet when it rains for Christmas.

What’s a Wisconsinite to do?

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Momma and Pappa Bear Were Depressed

Okay, it’s not a quizilla thing, but while I was hanging around on MSN, checking Bill Gates’s sofa for hundred thousand dollar bills that might have fallen out of his pockets or from the books in which he uses them as bookmarks, I came across an important headline: Are you among the 19 million depressed? I just had to know! Come along with me, then, as I take the test.

17 million! That’s a more exclusive bunch than lottery winners, if you factor in dollar and ticket winners. I want to join!

Most of the time? No one told me this was going to be a math test.

Let’s see, I spend a third of my time sleeping, so that means if I spend half my waking time sad, that’s only 33% and not most. Let’s see, I spend 14% of my waking time angry at the crazy other drivers, and 32% furious at thoughtless cretins in the government or who want to get into the government who would dictate my life better than I do, 10% in alcohol-fueled mellowness, 2% in alcohol-fueled blackouts (wherein I could be sad, to be honest, but this is only 2% against the total), and 18.5% of the time in vague meloncholy (is that sadness? What are the parameters for sad?).

Is that 100% of the 67%….aw, just put down No and then click Submit. Interesting button choice. Submit!

Do I have trouble doing or enjoying the things I used to do? I’ve always been a lazy sack of crap, and it just gets easier.

Man, this question must certainly suck for former athletes or people who peaked early.

Never make it to the crest, and you never have to go down hill, I say, so I click No.

That about covers my life. Sometimes, I stay up until midnight writing even though I get up at five to go to work, and then when I am on vacation, it’s arise at ten, nap from noon until one, nap from five till six, and then go to bed at one or two. The Good Life.

Kinda funny that if I don’t get exactly the right amount of sleep might be a sign of depression. Might also be a sign of ambition or a life.

At any rate, I must click Yes.

Losing or gaining weight? Once again, the only way to not be depressed is to be status quo.

Personally, I like to attribute my weight gain to any or all of the following:

  • Getting married to an excellent cook.
  • Turning thirty.
  • Getting a desk job.
  • Taking six servings of “breads and cereals” in liquid form each day.

Of course, it could be the depression.

Also, my appetites have changed; I prefer dark beers to pilsners. Why oh why do I go on?? Oh, because it’s only question 4. Click Yes.

I can’t make decisions (Yes/No)

Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

I struggle to not get too lost in double negatives and click No.

This question’s all about feelings. Damn feminine crap.

I know I am hopeless and worthless, so who cares about how I feel about it? I feel fine about it; feeling bad about not having any hope or value outside a couple bucks worth of chemical compounds comprising this hunk of reflective meat won’t change a thing about it.

So I click No.

Tired for no reason? Probably not. Usually I get tired because I’ve been working hard, or I get tired because I’m depressed, but never for no reason. Click No.

Hmmm. If we rephrase this question to “I, myself, think about killing,” then we’d have a ooooh boy and how, or its closest equivalent, Yes.

However, since I think they mean suicide, I had to click No.

If I considered suicide, my wife would kill me.

The result?

I am not depressed, so I cannot join that exclusive fraternity, and of course I’m bummed.

But was I honest with myself? Did I lie? What if I lied and I didn’t know about it? Was I trying to hide something from this anonymous test? Was it really anonymous, or was Microsoft really storing the results so they could cross-reference my answers and my MAC address to provide a psychiatric profile they could sell to insurers and pop-under ad companies?

Perhaps depression would be the least of my mental health worries.

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