All Other Problems Apparently Solved

Apparently, having solved all other problems, the Federal government can turn its focus to guaranteeing car loans to sub-prime consumers:

Dubbed “Ways to Work,” the program is run through Provident Counseling Inc., a 145-year-old St. Louis nonprofit agency involved in a wide range of social service work, from afterschool children’s programs to anti-drug and alcohol counseling.

In many ways, the car program offers a “last hope” for working St. Louisans who otherwise might not be able to buy and drive their own cars, said Karen Jackson, loan coordinator for the program.

Provident is scheduled to officially kick off its “Ways to Work” program today, in festivities at its offices at 2650 Olive Street.

Money to kick start the program – $345,000 – came this year from the Department of Transportation and is expected to help St. Louis-area residents buy 50 to 60 cars the first year. Jackson said the federal grant requires that Provident obtain matching “dollar-for-dollar” support from the community, either in cash or in-kind donations.

The headline? Carless can now get federal help in securing a new ride.

Make that a free ride.

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Steinberg Off The Wall

Neil Steinberg continues kicking Bob Greene:

There are honors I covet, as befitting the pie-pan depths of my soul. Not the standard newspaper milestones — not the Pulitzer, God knows, not since they nearly gave it to Bob Greene.

Jeez, Louise, this absurd envy thing can only merit one response: I must quote the wise and beautiful Jem of Jem and the Holograms:

Every place you go, everywhere you turn
Someone else is movin’ in,
And they’re makin’ time
And it’s gettin’ underneath your skin,
Whoa, whoa!

Doesn’t it hurt?
Jealousy, baby!
Doesn’t it burn?
Jealousy?
Doesn’t it consume your soul?
Makin you lose control,
Jealousy!

Nothing to be said,
Nothing to be done
Someone else is in your place,
And you won’t forget it
And it’s hittin’ you right where you live
Whoa, whoa!

Doesn’t it hurt?
Jealousy, baby!
Doesn’t it burn?
Jealousy!
Doesn’t it grab hold of you?
Breakin’ your heart in two
Jealousy!

All at once, you’re wild and runnin’,
Runnin’ blind
Revenge, revenge, revenge
Is the one thing on your mind,
Whoa, whoa!

Doesn’t it hurt?
Jealousy, baby!
Doesn’t it burn?
Jealousy !
Doesn’t it consume your soul
Makin’ you lose control
Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy,
Jealousy!

It takes cartoonishness to fight cartoonishness.

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Bistandardathon

Headline at Command Post: General Assembly President appeals for States to observe Olympic Truce.

With less than 10 days to go before the start of the Olympic Games, the President of the United Nations General Assembly, Julian R. Hunte, today appealed to all States to demonstrate their commitment to peace by observing the traditional truce during the quadrennial competition.

Fans of blowing random things up, such as Palestinians, Al Qaeda, and other non-State groups, rejoice at their apparent exemption from another UN call to action.

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Okay, Hijinks Now A Felony

Two lawyers play around in their office building by shooting BBs at each other, someone in another office sees and calls the cops from beneath her desk, and now they’re going to get it:

Police said they discovered that two lawyers who work in the building apparently had engaged in a BB gun fight with each other. Police arrested one of them, Gary K. Burger, 37, and booked him on suspicion of flourishing a dangerous and deadly weapon, a felony. Police have not yet sought formal charges from the prosecutor’s office.

It would take a greater legal scholar than I to sort through the byzantine implications of this law, such as whether brandishing a dangerous and deadly weapon is a worse crime, or whether this law covers holding ceremonial muskets or sabres over one’s head when presented with it, although one suspects it could at NRA rallies.

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Dispatch from the Sports Wars

Speaking of a ballot initiative to prevent sale of the naming rights to Candlestick Park, a San Francisco 49ers offers this level-headed and non-hyperbolic assessment:

“I think putting this on the ballot has catastrophic consequences for the future of Candlestick Park and the future of professional sports in San Francisco,” said 49ers spokesman Sam Singer.

Perhaps he needs a reminder of what a catastrophe is.

But should one even hope for better from a spokesman for a team with gold-digging right in the name?

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A Conspiracy of One

Once more, Brig. Gen. Janis Karpinski opens her mouth and shows more of her Peter Principle qualifications:

Karpinski told British Broadcasting Corp. radio that she had information suggesting officials took action to keep her in the dark about the mistreatment.

“I have been told there’s a reliable witness who’s made a statement … indicating that not only was I not included in any of the meetings discussing interrogation operations, but specific measures were taken to ensure I would not have access to those facilities, that information or any of the details of interrogations at Abu Ghraib or anywhere else,” Karpinski said. She didn’t identify the witness.

“Correct,” Karpinski responded when asked if she thought there was a conspiracy at senior level to stop her knowing what was going on.

“From what I understand … it was people that had full knowledge of what was going on out at Abu Ghraib who knew that they had to keep Janis Karpinski from discovering any of those activities,” she added.

Asked whether she thought the conspiracy reached up to the Pentagon or the White House, she said: “The indication is that it may have.”

So she’s telling foreign news services that her underlings, and maybe those shadowy administration figures, conspired to make her a poor leader.

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Just Like an Old Friend, Kick Him When He’s Down

Mark Steyn writes in the Chicago Sun-Times:

“I’ve seen it in the people I’ve met and their desire to take our country back for the American people. I saw it in a college student in Pennsylvania who sold her bicycle and sent us a check for $100 with a note that said, ‘I sold my bicycle for democracy.’ “

Really? John F. Kerry’s bicycle cost $8,000. Why doesn’t he sell his for democracy? If you throw in the designer French T-shirt and buttock-hugging lemon-hued lycra shorts, you’d probably be up around an even ten grand. When Howard Dean and John Kerry and John Edwards talk about “change,” what they mean is you send these bazillionaire grandees the hundred-dollar bill and they’ll keep the change.

What did that co-ed cutie get for her hundred bucks? Presumably she sent it to Governor Dean because he was anti-war. He lost to Senator Kerry, who at that time was for-and-against the war, in the same way that he’s for-and-against abortion and for-and-against gay marriage. But he seems to have come down, Iraq-wise, on the “for” side of the ledger. He’ll be spending a little more time ineffectually chit-chatting with Kofi and Jacques and Gerhard, but other than that his Iraq policy is sounding more like Bush’s every day. That college kid ponied up her $100 and isn’t getting a lot of “change.” I wonder if she’s missing her bicycle this summer.

Ouch.

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How Did She Get So Lucky?

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch humps the leg of a local entrepreneur:

An entrepreneur from Edwardsville is weaving a network of basket makers from some of the world’s poorest countries to create a business that combines spirituality and fair trade.

The Blessing Basket Project grew out of a need that former television news producer Theresa Wilson had to lift women around the world out of poverty. Wilson, 36, originally wanted to work with poor women in the United States. But when she put her idea on an Internet bulletin board, she was deluged with e-mail from around the world from aid workers.

She’s a do-gooder, doing good things for the world around her. She’s having people in third world countries weave baskets which she sells:

At the Festival of Nations last month in Tower Grove Park, the Blessing Basket Project sold 92 baskets from Bangladesh and Uganda at $25 to $35 each. Wilson and her husband, Bryan, a construction worker who helps the company as a volunteer, said they are surprised at the response they get from buyers.

Got that? They sold the baskets for $25 to $35 each? How much did they pay the poor people in the third world to create them?

The 150 weavers that the Blessing Basket Project is working with around Kampala, Uganda, were paid $12 for a set of three baskets – three times more than typically offered. The weavers – mostly female subsistence farmers – are able to buy milk and meat for their children as well as books and uniforms for school.

So, they’re paying $4 each for these baskets and selling them at $25 to $35 each. I am sorry, that looks like a 500% to 700% capitalist imperialist dog mark-up to me.

Of course, I’m not against capitalist imperialist dogism, but I do think that the Post-Dispatch likes to assail corporations who would do this, particularly those that use third world labor to do things formerly done by unionized US workers.

I guess the difference is that software and automobiles aren’t sold at Whole Foods Market.

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The Heart and Soul of America Not Found in Fox Transcription Department

From the Fox News Transcript of Bush’s remarks at SMS in Springfield, Missouri:

I can’t help but notice my friend Johnny Morris is here. Gosh, I wish we were fishing. I was in the bass tracker (ph), I want you to know, over the weekend in Crawford. It didn’t sink.

The transcriptionist doesn’t intuitively know a bass tracker boat and can only guess at the spelling. Probably more Hollywood than Springfield.

Because someone from Springfield (or someone married to a smoking-hottie from Springfield) knows Tracker Boats is based in Springfield.

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I’m Offended, I Want a Fine

Hey, FCC, I am offended this got broadcast:

‘Go balloons, go balloons! Go balloons! I don’t see anything happening. Go balloons! Go balloons! Go balloons! Standby confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring it- balloons, balloons, balloons! We want balloons, tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet.

‘No confetti. All right, go balloons, go balloons. We need more balloons. All balloons! All balloons! Keep going! Come on, guys, lets move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go, goddammit. Go confetti. Go confetti. More confetti. I want more balloons. What’s happening to the balloons? We need more balloons.

‘We need all of them coming down. Go balloons- balloons? What’s happening balloons? There’s not enough coming down! All balloons, what the hell! There’s nothing falling! What the fuck are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down, more balloons. More balloons. More balloons’…

I demand that DNC convention director Don Mischer be fined several hundred thousand dollars for offending my tender sensibilities.

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Good Night, Boy-John

Okay, J. Eddie, we know what you mean you say:

And we, John and I, we will have one clear unmistakable message for al Qaeda and these terrorists: You cannot run. You cannot hide. We will destroy you.

John2 is tougher than Ronald Reagan, who said to terrorists, “You can run, but you can’t hide.”

This is why children should be seen and not heard. Now you go wash behind your ears, and make sure to dry them. You look a little damp there.

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This Land Is Our Land, This Land Is Our Land

It has come to this: in Waukesha County, Wisconsin, Aurora Health Care wants to build a hospital, but some residents oppose it because a hospital won’t generate as much taxes as a business park in the same spot:

Others, however, argued that the prime parcel of town land should be utilized as intended in the master plan for a business park that would bring in more tax revenue than the non-profit hospital despite a pledge by Aurora officials to make payments in lieu of taxes to be negotiated with the town.

“I want every possible dollar that land could give for our town; I don’t think that it should be negotiated,” said Mark Lathers, adding that he cannot negotiate his tax bill.

Worse, it will:

Others who testified agreed with arguments made by officials of Oconomowoc Memorial Hospital that the planned 88-bed Aurora hospital would only duplicate services already offered by Oconomowoc Memorial and that would drive up costs for all area consumers of health care.

Unlike the business park, which will provide a whole new set of cubicle farms engaged in business activities and service offerings that will be unique to the area.

Meanwhile, some critics (and the parrots who report uncritically their assertions) explain how supply and demand works: More hospitals means higher costs!

Neil Coakley said health insurance costs are already skyrocketing and many in the health care industry blame Aurora for driving up prices – an assertion that Aurora officials have strongly denied.

Of course, Oconomowoc Memorial Hospital has the best interests of the community at heart:

Oconomowoc Memorial officials and representatives of a community coalition called Not Another Hospital said the Aurora hospital is not needed, that there already is a surplus of hospital beds in the area and that consumers would pick up the cost for additional surplus hospital capacity.

Competition is bad for the community.

In an age where cataclysmic attacks can yield thousands of casualties, I have nothing to offer to anti-competitive health care providers and those who love them, including residents who would rather have tax dollars for amenities like water parks or whatever the hell tchotchkes municipalities in Wisconsin waste taxdollars on than hospitals. Nothing but a hearty unwritten mandate and appropriate hand gestures.

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More Fun With Nonlethal Force

Meanwhile, back in Florida, an officer pepper sprays a college student and her boyfriend for taking a call in a movie theater. A witness recounts:

“The man turned and asked the officer why he was making them leave and the cop just maced him in the face,” Gray said. “They weren’t yelling or touching him. The man bent over and the girl asked why he maced her boyfriend. Then the cop maced her, and she dropped her soda.”

Would the officer have shot them down for the offense? No, but since pepper spray is nonlethal, you see, he can do it with aplomb.

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Summing Up

Wretchard at Belmont Club sums up the choice in worldviews offered this November:

Although the exigencies of politics and the need to attract away the conservative fringe (by playing Amazing Grace for example) may keep John Kerry from being forthright it cannot obscure the fact that two opposing, and therefore contradictory visions, are contending for the electorate this November. The first argues that despite the shortcomings of multilateralism, diplomacy and concession, it is still the best way to settle accounts with radical Islam. It will concede that more might have been done to prevent September 11 but it will maintain steadfastly that the alternative, which was to strike at enemies the way they have struck at us is fundamentally wrong and dangerous. And by exclusion it will maintain that whatever the dangers of Clintonian policy the world was safer then than it is today. Ths second point of view will argue that eight years of wilfull blindness; supporting Bosnian Muslims; ignorning the A. Q. Khan network of nuclear proliferation, buying North Korea its own reactors and receiving Yasser Araft at the White House; the whole policy of concession, bought not a whit of safety. It will argue that our enemies are even now on the point of obtaining nuclear weapons to turn against us, and will if we return to the policies of the past. It will concede that there have been disappointments in Iraq, but that by any historical yardstick our progress to victory — and here is the unique word — has been steady, irresistable and therefore inevitable.

Friends, I spent September 11, 2001, in a conference room, watching a grainy Peter Jennings demean the president while the World Trade Center crumbled like talc, while the Pentagon burned, and while the country wondered, “What next?” Every moment was a cliffhanger as we awaited word of how much further into the rabbithole we had fallen. In the days and weeks that followed, planes were grounded as a safety precaution and we wondered how much like Israel America would have to become to survive. I am damned, for I remember clearly.

Is Bush the perfect choice? No, of course not. But he’s the better choice.

Because I don’t think that a return to Clinton-era is what we need, and that’s the best for which we could hope with a Kerry presidency. The worst doesn’t seem all that bad, either; a Congress which hogties the lame president, opposing his crazy domestic policies and “overseeing” feckless foreign policy.

We would all enjoy a period of merry fiddling while Dark Ages II continues to cloud over, and most of us, or at least the important Baby Boomers, would be dead and lost to history before the Western books were burned and the Chinese ended Islam. The United States of America, the West? A footnote that might someday describe a failed experiment in human potential.

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So-Called Watch

Author Roger L. Simon commits the sin:

In fact, bloggers have one advantage over so-called professional journalists.

What’s the advantage? Obviously not a better vocabulary or instinctive sense to avoid annoying clitches.

Note to readers: In an attempt to sound less French, we’re officially pronouncing it clitches. Not only does it sound more manly, but I don’t have to look up the character code for the e with the accent on it. Thank you.

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Steinberg Gets It, Except When He Doesn’t

So Neil Steinberg, of the Chicago Sun-Times, is probably going to vote for John Kerry, but he sometimes indicates that he understands foreign policy:

So much emphasis has been put on the 9/11 Commission’s recommendation to overhaul U.S. intelligence that not much attention has been given its notions about winning the “struggle of ideas” between the West and Islamic radicalism.

We need to reach out to the Arab world, its argument goes, and make them understand what really good guys we are at heart.

This is a spin on the old “What did we do wrong?/Maybe if we were nicer to them” view that surfaced immediately after Sept. 11, and is complete nonsense. Islamic radicals hate America because: a) we aren’t Muslim; b) we support the country in their midst that isn’t Muslim, Israel; c) we are purveyors of a non-Muslim, flashy, sexualized culture where women aren’t dressed head to toe in black; and d) their governments encourage it.

They hate us because of who we are, and nothing short of an embrace of Wahhabism would make them happy (and even then it might be the wrong kind. Iran and Iraq, remember, lost a million soldiers fighting each other).

Digging wells and sending fruitcakes labeled “GIFT OF USA” is not going to do it. The United States gives more foreign aid to Egypt than any other country except Israel. And a recent poll found that 98 percent of Egyptians disapprove of the United States. The other 2 percent, presumably, haven’t heard of us.

No goodwill gesture, no slick Voice of America broadcast is going to change that. Rather than worry about radical Islam understanding our ideas, we need to master their central concept, which is this: Kill your enemies. Radical Islam understands killing and being killed. That’s why, at the end of the day, taking out Saddam Hussein was a good thing, even with no weapons of mass destruction found, even if the place is in turmoil for a decade. It was worth it as a cautionary tale to future enemies, and on the odd chance the United States makes it past the November election without suffering a big Madrid-style terrorist attack, it won’t be because we’ve charmed those who might feel inclined to do it. It’ll be because we’ve either eliminated them or because we’ve so scared their state sponsors that they’ve stopped supporting them.

Sometimes I wonder if two halves of Neil Steinberg war on each other, making him crazy, or if he’s got an attractive college intern who really writes his stuff and occasionally slips these bits into the columns when The Name is too hung over to notice.

Or it could be that he’s got a depth and breadth of convictions too simple to describe in a single snarky paragraph. But hey, snark is what the chicks dig, and one never chortles when one writes a well-reasoned argument, but snark? Oh, yeah, chortlechortlechortle.

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