Brian College Mindset List for the Class of 2034

Beloit College came up with its annual Mindset List that reminds us old people the limit of 18-year-olds’ experience. As I previously said, I think this year’s list is full of trivia and little else.

Then I thought, hey, the elected leadership in Washington is glibly fundamentally transforming the country. So what might the Brian College Mindset List for the Class of 2034 look like?

  • This year’s freshmen have never eaten ice cream since the FDA added it to the banned foods list.
  • The class of 2030 have never flown on a plane since commercial flights were banned due to their carbon emissions.
  • They don’t remember the rumble of a V-8 engine. Few remember the sound of an internal combustion engine at all.
  • They have never seen a political ad or an actual political candidate; the National Parliament has always been dissolved and His Excellency has always ruled.
  • Keyboards have always had nine keys, and touch-typing always relied solely on thumbs.
  • They have never burned their hands on an incandescent lightbulb. As a matter of fact, they’ve never seen one.
  • Cars have always had ORedStar installed and mandated, with its velocity capping, roadside assistance, remote unlock, and remote disable service from the Vehicle Maintenance and Safety Administration (VMSA).
  • They don’t know anyone taking a student loan nor do they know what tenure meant.
  • The government has always monitored all audio and video conversations for public safety.
  • This year’s students have never bought a new paper-based book or newspaper.
  • They have never pumped gas.
  • If employed, they have never received a paycheck from an employer; they have only gotten the Government Income Allotment from the Department of Employment and Productivity.
  • Today’s students have always enjoyed mandatory FM radio broadcasts on their imPhones.
  • They don’t remember a time when four corporations owned all channels on television.
  • The National Wildlife Preserve System has always been closed to the public.