My Kind of Month

According to the Onion today:

    Shape Magazine Declares July ‘Let Yourself Go’ Month


    WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women’s fitness magazine, has officially declared July “Let Yourself Go” Month. “You’ve toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season… Now it’s time for a meatball sandwich,” wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her ‘From The Editor’ column. “Come on, live a little. Don’t be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you.” Features in the issue include “Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly,” “Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You’ve Lived,” and “Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck.”

By reprinting this, I realize I have just become an R-rated blog. Sorry, Ms. Igert. But look on the bright side. Apparently, the Onion uses American rules for putting commas in quotes even when the commas don’t appear in the article titles, unlike certain stubborn son-in-laws.

Drugs Destroy Individuals; the Drug War Destroys Neighborhoods

An op-ed piece in the Washington Post, written by a former police officer, argues that as long as drugs are prohibited, neighborhoods will be torn up and will occasionally riot against police.

He’s right, of course, but we’re a long way from any repeals at this point, I fear.

My Kind of Month

According to the Onion today:

    Shape Magazine Declares July ‘Let Yourself Go’ Month


    WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women’s fitness magazine, has officially declared July “Let Yourself Go” Month. “You’ve toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season… Now it’s time for a meatball sandwich,” wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her ‘From The Editor’ column. “Come on, live a little. Don’t be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you.” Features in the issue include “Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly,” “Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You’ve Lived,” and “Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A Fuck.”

By reprinting this, I realize I have just become an R-rated blog. Sorry, Ms. Igert. But look on the bright side. Apparently, the Onion uses American rules for putting commas in quotes even when the commas don’t appear in the article titles, unlike certain stubborn son-in-laws.

Drugs Destroy Individuals; the Drug War Destroys Neighborhoods

An op-ed piece in the Washington Post, written by a former police officer, argues that as long as drugs are prohibited, neighborhoods will be torn up and will occasionally riot against police.

He’s right, of course, but we’re a long way from any repeals at this point, I fear.

Big Bucks, Big Bucks, No Whammies, STOP!

It’s true, honey. In 1984, a guy playing the television game show Press Your Luck won over $100,000 in an hour by memorizing where the Whammies displayed on the game board. If you don’t believe your esteemed spouse, check out the Snopes page that tells the whole story.

IO Error

Best of the Web Today links to a press release announcing a study by the Cato Institute. The report’s entitled Economic Freedom of the World: 2003 Annual Report, and the press release summarizes the report with the headline Report: Wealthiest Nations Have Freest Economies.

I think this title doesn’t capture the causal link between the two. Instead, perhaps it should say Freest Economies Create Wealthiest Nations.

But I am no economist, I am just a dude who takes the meaning and order of words seriously.

Maybe They Have Heard About the Benefits Package

Drudge links to a story in USA Today headlined Report: Feds lacks bioterror experts. The lead goes something like this:

    The government will have an increasingly hard time hiring and retaining biologists and others needed to prepare for bioterror threats, a report concludes.

The report, according to the story, shines its light on the usual suspects: government pay contrasted with private pay, the decline of science graduates, and retirements.

On the other hand, it doesn’t seem to mention the interest the government lavishes upon persons that it hires in this capacity.

Maybe they need a new hiring campaign slogan, such as, “Work on Bioterrorism for us, and we’ll take care of you.”

Federal Government-Enforced True Competition Zone

The Federal Trade Commission, an appointed and not elected body, has determined that individual states do not have the right to pass laws regulating commerce within their borders when it comes to the Internet.

In a move my newly-Federalist friend El Guapo might approve, the FTC would lift bans on Internet wine purchases. Some states think it’s too easy for minors to get liquor off the Internet, so they want to prohibit Internet vendors from selling wine to consumers in those states via the Internet.

The FTC, however, has found another way to abuse the powers granted under the ill-conceived interstate commerce clause of the United States Constitution. Instead of letting the individual states handle moral issues (alcohol consumption) and logistical issues (keeping wine out of minors), Uncle Sam must be listening to the last lobbying dollars from vino dot coms.

    “By allowing interstate direct shipping, states would give consumers the opportunity to save money on their wine purchases, and would let consumers choose from a much greater variety of wines,” the FTC said in its report.

It’s all for the betterment of the consumer, and it’s at the expense of the states, who lose more power appropriately left ot them and, ooops, lose all that sales and excise tax money which they cannot charge on Internet sales.

It’s oh so wrong in oh so many ways, I will leave it at that before I start foaming Les Bourheois Jeunette Rouge at the mouth and stain the keyboard.

Big Bucks, Big Bucks, No Whammies, STOP!

It’s true, honey. In 1984, a guy playing the television game show Press Your Luck won over $100,000 in an hour by memorizing where the Whammies displayed on the game board. If you don’t believe your esteemed spouse, check out the Snopes page that tells the whole story.

IO Error

Best of the Web Today links to a press release announcing a study by the Cato Institute. The report’s entitled Economic Freedom of the World: 2003 Annual Report, and the press release summarizes the report with the headline Report: Wealthiest Nations Have Freest Economies.

I think this title doesn’t capture the causal link between the two. Instead, perhaps it should say Freest Economies Create Wealthiest Nations.

But I am no economist, I am just a dude who takes the meaning and order of words seriously.

Maybe They Have Heard About the Benefits Package

Drudge links to a story in USA Today headlined Report: Feds lacks bioterror experts. The lead goes something like this:

    The government will have an increasingly hard time hiring and retaining biologists and others needed to prepare for bioterror threats, a report concludes.

The report, according to the story, shines its light on the usual suspects: government pay contrasted with private pay, the decline of science graduates, and retirements.

On the other hand, it doesn’t seem to mention the interest the government lavishes upon persons that it hires in this capacity.

Maybe they need a new hiring campaign slogan, such as, “Work on Bioterrorism for us, and we’ll take care of you.”

Federal Government-Enforced True Competition Zone

The Federal Trade Commission, an appointed and not elected body, has determined that individual states do not have the right to pass laws regulating commerce within their borders when it comes to the Internet.

In a move my newly-Federalist friend El Guapo might approve, the FTC would lift bans on Internet wine purchases. Some states think it’s too easy for minors to get liquor off the Internet, so they want to prohibit Internet vendors from selling wine to consumers in those states via the Internet.

The FTC, however, has found another way to abuse the powers granted under the ill-conceived interstate commerce clause of the United States Constitution. Instead of letting the individual states handle moral issues (alcohol consumption) and logistical issues (keeping wine out of minors), Uncle Sam must be listening to the last lobbying dollars from vino dot coms.

    “By allowing interstate direct shipping, states would give consumers the opportunity to save money on their wine purchases, and would let consumers choose from a much greater variety of wines,” the FTC said in its report.

It’s all for the betterment of the consumer, and it’s at the expense of the states, who lose more power appropriately left ot them and, ooops, lose all that sales and excise tax money which they cannot charge on Internet sales.

It’s oh so wrong in oh so many ways, I will leave it at that before I start foaming Les Bourheois Jeunette Rouge at the mouth and stain the keyboard.

Obsessive Compulsive Behavior Saves Marriage, $29.95

New technology offers bountiful rewards as Arkon TL 129 His ‘n Her Motion Activated Toilet Night Light will automatically glow red if the toilet seat is up or green if the toilet seat is down, preventing those middle-of-the-night accidents that have caused many marriages to fail or combust in a blaze of murder/suicide glory. However, before this product became available, our marriage was guaranteed safe from this hazard by obsessive compulsive behavior.

You see, we always put the toilet lid down in our bathroom to prevent a flush from spraying germs in festive patterns across the fixtures and paraphernalia in the bathroom and to establish a certain procedure for toilet usage. You always lift the lid and/or toilet seat and then replace it/them when you’re finished. By resetting the Toilet User Interface to a common starting point, we assure that it’s in a known state each time we want to use it.

Our marriage is safe, and we’re not out $30 plus shipping and handling.

Perhaps I should patent the business process of obsessive compulsive behaviors and then make a mint from people who cannot help doing them! Sounds like a better retirement strategy than how my 401k plans have done the last few quarters.

Obsessive Compulsive Behavior Saves Marriage, $29.95

New technology offers bountiful rewards as Arkon TL 129 His ‘n Her Motion Activated Toilet Night Light will automatically glow red if the toilet seat is up or green if the toilet seat is down, preventing those middle-of-the-night accidents that have caused many marriages to fail or combust in a blaze of murder/suicide glory. However, before this product became available, our marriage was guaranteed safe from this hazard by obsessive compulsive behavior.

You see, we always put the toilet lid down in our bathroom to prevent a flush from spraying germs in festive patterns across the fixtures and paraphernalia in the bathroom and to establish a certain procedure for toilet usage. You always lift the lid and/or toilet seat and then replace it/them when you’re finished. By resetting the Toilet User Interface to a common starting point, we assure that it’s in a known state each time we want to use it.

Our marriage is safe, and we’re not out $30 plus shipping and handling.

Perhaps I should patent the business process of obsessive compulsive behaviors and then make a mint from people who cannot help doing them! Sounds like a better retirement strategy than how my 401k plans have done the last few quarters.