Category: Music

Dear Rhetorical Question Answerer:
When did Motley Crue become classic rock?
                                    Bowling for Soup

Dear Bowling for Soup,
Motley Crue began its transition from vital music makers to the classic rock and oldies market when they released Decade of Decadence in 1991. Any time a musical group releases a greatest hits collection, it gambles. The very name greatest hits indicates that there will be no further hits as good, and a retrospective look at the band also makes the casual fan wonder if the band is done. Even if the album includes new material, its target audience is the cult fan who wants to own everything the band puts out and the people who, years later, decide they want to own a collection of the band’s songs.

Looking over Motley Crue’s discography, it proves true enough. Between Dr. Feelgood and the two releases in 1994, two complete high school classes matriculated without new Crue, and you could only hear them on album rock stations and other retrospective-looking outlets.

So to answer your question, BfS, the best date we can give is 1991.

Like Milla Jovavich, Canadian siren Sarah McLachlan has a name that’s difficult to spell or pronounce from memory. Undoubtedly (used here in the sense of “I am making it up”), Ms. McLachlan has endured people addressing her or writing of her with one or more of the following:

• Sarah Machlachlanahan.
• Sarah Mchlandlached.
• O’Sherrie McLachlan (by Steve Perry, of course).
• Shiraz McLachlan.
• Sarah McLockedLAN.
• Natalie Merchant.

Sure, it’s a gag that amuses me, but will I think it funny when one of these young ladies mocks me in such a fashion? Probably not; I am thin-skinned and overly sensitive.

As I was at the gym tonight, staring in fascination at these things they call “music videos” which display on screens throughout the gym during time I should have been doing this thing they call “working out,” an “accidental” juxtaposition led me to an insight more startling than the insight that those little stickers which say “Keep away when machine is in use” might prevent pinching-to-the-point-of-near-amputation. Where was I? Oh, yeah, the insight:

Celine Dion is the result of a partially-successful French-Canadian attempt to clone Cher.

Come on, deep in the bowels of the Canadian health system, you know they looked southward sometime in 1968 and said, “What is best of American culture?” and, since there’s French in French-Canadian, they looked to the most, um, flamboyant of music coupled with the most dowdy spouse (which is undoubtedly how Quebec thinks of the other provinces). So they sent their crack secret agents to get a mouth swab from Cher, to ensure her beat goes on, so to speak.

Unfortunately, their cloning technology was limited due to budget constraints and bureaucratic infighting. So the clone, “Celine” (French for Cher), was of smaller stature, and due to limitations in the maintenance budget, underfed. Also, due to the unfortunate accident of her French Canadianosity, she speaks French.

But look how it all adds up. She marries her “manager,” which is to say the lead scientist in the secret project that produced her. Come on, this explains why someone that the French Canadians would consider marginally hot (especially since the basis of comparison would be Alanis Morissette) would marry someone over forty years her senior and would bear his genetically-enhanced children (undoubtedly, clones of David Bowie and Iggy Pop).

Just ask the Canadian prime minister about it if you get the chance. He’ll deny everything, of course, and that will be all the proof you need.

When I read this post at protein wisdom, I wanted to break into song:

Looking out at the words rushing out of my keys
Looking back at the commas gone by like so many speakers’ fees
In ninety-one I was sophomore in English 101
I don’t know what my point is now, I’m just running on

Running on – running on sentence
Running on – running fine
Running on – running outta thoughts
But I’m writing more lines

Gotta fluff what can when you’re paid for each word
Trying not to cut your check by up to two thirds
By twenty-nine, I was pundit one and I called the Web my own
I don’t know when those clause ran into the clause I’m on

Running on – running on sentence
Running on – running fine
Running on – running outta thoughts
But I’m writing more lines

Everything I know, everything I type
People keep on reading my low tripe
I don’t know about anything but me
I can go all night, that’ll be all write
If I can get me a book deal before I leave

Looking out at the words rushing out of my keys
I don’t know how to tell you all just how badly this verb feels
I look around for editors I used to turn to shut me up
Looking into their cubes I see them running too

Running on – running on sentence
Running on – running fine
Running on – running outta thoughts
But I’m writing more lines

Buddy you really stet me
You know the way I wrote was fine
I’d love to stop it now but I’m writing more lines
You know I don’t even know what I’m hoping to find
running outta thoughts but I’m writing more lines

Peh. I got nothing. Apologies to Jackson Browne.