This morning, as I was taking my empties to the recycling facility so that they could hold beer again, I heard John F. Kerry’s response to the presidential radio address, where in Senator Marrybucks said:
Parents are sitting at kitchen tables and wondering how they’re going to make ends meet: How they’re going to buy back-to-school clothes this week, and still pay last week’s doctor bill. How they’re going to make this months [sic] mortgage payment, and still cover next semester’s tuition. And whether they’re going to be able to save for retirement or just have enough left over for a night at the movies.
Undoubtedly, some people will rejoice that John Kerry can get down rhetorically with the commen proletariat and empathize with their psychological discomfort. Unfortunately, John Kerry, in the interest of time, cut some of the best parts of his litany.
We here at mFBJN have done some crack investigative journalism, and by that I mean our staff did a little dumpster diving outside of JFK2HQ in our constant effort to find discarded 3/4 full bottles of Pierre Ferrand Ancestrale Cognac, Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve Bourbon, or Jameson 15 Year Pot Still Irish Whiskey (discarded because the freshly-opened bottle “just tastes better”) or unshredded credit card slips (which you think this crack investigative staff would prefer to find is for you to judge, gentle reader). In addition to a cool pair of cuff links, our staff found a list of the dilemmas that John Kerry cut to make his speech fit.
These dilemmas that John Kerry cut from his empathy for the hoi polloi include:
- A $6000 road bike to ride during a single photo op, or a good used car to drive for four years or until it stops running.
That six thousand dollars can only be spent one way, friends. You want to know the strata of used cars? $6000 and up, or anything you buy from a new car dealer is a good used car; anything $1000 and up that you can buy from a used car lot is a questionable used car, anything over $200 that you get from the classifieds which runs for a year or maybe two if you’re not afraid of brakeless driving is a fair used car, and anything you buy for $49 as salvage with the promise you’ll fix it up is a poor used car.
- A properly-tailored two piece suit, or an entire wardrobe for the children this year.
- A flattering haircut by a trendy stylist-to-the-stars-and-politicos, or two vacations with the family outside the state, both of which do not involve camping.
- Spending $300,000 to fly to the other coast in a luxury 747, or paying off the mortgage over 30 years, with full interest, for a single home in an inner suburb to a city in the middle of the country.
- The Swiss chalet, or everything your poor little heads can dream.
Face it, Johnnie Rich (1 of 2), I cannot personally abide by empathy coming from someone so far out of my social strata, particularly when its condescenion comes with a slate of government spending to salve the ills you imagine we have.
Now pardon me while I pick up the chip and reset it for the next guy.
