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It’s common knowledge that John Kerry communes with dolphins:

“He [President Bush] thinks that empty slogans like the ‘Clear Skies’ initiative and the ‘Healthy Forest’ initiative — that somehow names that would make George Orwell rise up and cheer — that those names will make people forget what is really happening in our country.”

Almost on cue, a dolphin slipped through the water. “There he is over there,” Kerry said. “He says, ‘help, help, help.”‘

“Help, help, help,” is not all the dolphin had to say. We here at All Things Belittled have an exclusive interview with Kerry’s guest star. (Warning: 2.7 Mb Mp3).

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A Government of the People, By the People, and For the People in Government

I was going to comment upon the unequal-before-the-eyes-of-the-law treatment received by Representative John Hostettler of Indiana, who mistakenly brought a gun to the airport as he was getting ready to fly back to Washington, but someone’s beaten me to it.

Did the TSA throw him down, surround him, rough him up a bit, and then whisk him to jail for a quick trial and felony sentence? Of course not, he’s not a citizen, he’s a legislator. They took his gun to hold for him and put him on a later flight.

Owen at Boots and Sabers has a complete compare and contrast for you.

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You Down with DDT?

Virginia Postrel comments on a Tina Rosenberg NYT Magazine article:

Two million people a year, most of them little kids, are dying because of the West’s anti-DDT superstition. Two…million…people…a…year.

Anti-DDT taboos undoubtedly kill even more than that, since the debilitation caused by malaria helps keep Africa desperately poor. But, hey, they’re Africans. We got rid of malaria here, so we don’t give a damn. I bet the NYT Mag gets letters from people outraged at Rosenberg’s audacity in pointing out the problem.

Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows rebuts:

hey farmer farmer
put away the DDT
i dont care about spots on my apples [and, apparently, two million dead people on a continent far away –ed.]
leave me the birds and the bees
please!

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Three Little Words

Blackfive reports on U.S. citizenship granted to Laotian Hmong refugees:

The reward for helping the Americans during the Vietnam War took 29 years to materialize, but for the 15,000 Laotian Hmong in this sun-baked refugee camp, it was a payout beyond their wildest dreams: U.S. citizenship.

“I can’t believe we’ll be Americans,” said Sui Yang, 60, who fought with CIA-backed Hmong guerrillas against the communist Pathet Lao in the mountains of Laos. “We heard rumors for years this was going to happen, but they were always only rumors. Most of us gave up hoping. I thought we were going nowhere.”

I’ve got three words that express my sentiment for earnest immigrants, particularly those who helped the United States in the past, who would come to this country with hope of a better life and the will to make it so:

Bring ’em on.

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Make of This What You Will

From today’s StLToday.com:

Advertising is ubiquitous nowadays, with marketers using product placements on television shows, linking words in magazine articles with ads and, as an ad firm working for Toyota recently did, temporarily tattooing pitches on people’s foreheads.

“It’s a littering of the mental landscape,” MacFarlane said. “We live in a culture that pushes the fear of not succeeding, getting sick, of being alone. … Advertisers sidle up to us and say: ‘Hi, we love you. We understand. But isn’t there something wrong with your life?'”

Words from Paul MacFarlane, left-wing hippie advertising mogul.

Something of this smacks of poserism. The dude spouts antimaterialism, but is a successful advertising guy with an office in Downtown St. Louis and who lives in West County. Spare me the bobo.

Perhaps the title tag of the StLToday page says it all: Help

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Lileks Agrees With Me

Lileks on that coastal elite, nanny-statist Andrew Sullivan in today’s Bleat:

Okay.
As you may know, Andrew Sullivan has famously proposed hiking gas prices by a dollar to reduce the deficit and pay for the Iraq campaign. Don’t get me wrong – I have a great deal of respect for Andrew.

But.

Here I disagree. Low gas prices are bad for the economy and bad for drivers, he says – the sort of statement that makes you read everything that follows with wry detached amusement, the same way you’d regard an article on canine training that began “dogs respond remarkably well to feng shui.” You read on because it can only get better.

He refers to gas as “woefully undertaxed.” If one uses the phrase “woefully undertaxed” one may be correct, but one should not be surprised when one’s conservative bona fides are called into question. You could make the argument that cable TV is woefully undertaxed. Peanut butter is woefully undertaxed. Once
you’ve identified a good that can be cured by additional taxation, well, everything is woefully undertaxed. There aren’t any pro-war movies being made! We could fund them with a movie tax! Popcornn is woefully undertaxed! He says:

The truly needy tend to consume less gas than their middle-class compatriots. Others say it penalizes those in remote and rural areas. So what?

Some conservatives say it’s antithetical to the American Dream. Hooey.

Lileks must have made it further into the piece than I did to discover Sullivan’s contention that it’s okay to disproprotionatlely tax the people in the heartland (that is, everyone between the Rockies and the Appalachians) because we don’t matter.

Bollucks on Sullivan, again.

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Andrew Sullivan Goes Mad

Andrew Sullivan has actually gone mad:

TAX GAS MORE: All of your opposition merely convinced me I was right. Here’s my Time column on why raising gas taxes would be a very good thing. Here’s Ramesh Ponnuru’s critique. Make your own mind up.

Make your mind up, but the more you oppose me, the more I convince myself I am right? I fall upon the thorns of life, I bleed? Yeek.

Here’s his argument for greater taxation to improve your behavior, citizen:

The worst knock against a gas tax is that it is, well, a tax. Who likes that? But with soaring deficits and a war to pay for, taxes are not an option — they’re a necessity. The only relevant question is, Which taxes? The case for a gas tax is a straightforward one. Gas prices are strikingly lower in America than anywhere else in the world; such taxes are relatively easy to collect; since an overwhelming majority of Americans drive, few avoid the tax; and by adding a cost to the wanton consumption of gasoline, you actually encourage conservation, accelerate fuel efficiency, reduce pollution, cut traffic and help wean Americans off the oil that requires the U.S. to be so intimately involved in that wonderful cesspool of rival hatreds, the Middle East. So what’s not to like?

As a source of tax money, recognize that money will be spent on programs with an ongoing basis, and that if the government successfully modifies the behavior of its foolish, short-sighted, and lesser mortal citizens, the government will need to make that amount of money up elsewhere. Which means deficits or other tax increases down the road.

Pretty soon, we’re going to have to stop calling Sullivan a “conservative,” aren’t we?

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Public Service Announcement:

To all of you newbie Internet users who searched Google for mike danton arrested and came up with this blog: Hey, thanks for reading, but remember to go to news.google.com for breaking news.

The breaking news on Mike Danton arrested is that the St. Louis Blues’ agitator forward was busted in San Jose for trying to hire a hit man to kill an acquaintance who thought Danton was too promiscuous and drank too much.

Sources:

  • Canada.com. Headline: Blues centre Mike Danton charged in alleged murder-for-hire scheme. [He’s a winger; I thought you Canadians knew hockey. Also, it’s spelled “center” on American teams.]
  • St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Headline: Danton was learning to play waiting game.
  • (San Jose) Mercury News. Headline: Blues player arrested in alleged murder-for-hire plot

Damn shame, the poor, messed-up kid. Don’t tell him I said that, though, because I work in Brentwood.

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Leave the Metaphors to the Professionals

Reason’s Hit and Run links to an official proclamation that warns hapless American citizens (a redundancy in the mind of Those Who Are Noble Enough to Rule) about Canadian pot:

“Canada is exporting to us the crack of marijuana and it is a dangerous problem,” Walters told reporters in Miami, where he kicked off a campaign to cut marijuana use by Hispanic youths.

Let’s examine that metaphor. Canada (Canada!) is exporting to us the most addictive drug of drug. Crikey, it’s the cornflower blue of all blues! The Super Bowl of football games!

I think somewhere Walters has opened a rift in the Space-Metaphor continuum. Sure, it’s small now, but it’s growing, and someday soon discourse will be sucked into incomprehensibility.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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Puke on the AMT

Slate has a wonderfully insightful imaginative piece on the Alternative Minimum Tax as Bush’s Secret Tax on Democrats:

President Bush and the Republican Congress, who believe fervently in cutting taxes for the rich, are quietly presiding over a most remarkable kind of tax increase for high-income Americans.

The Alternative Minimum Tax is becoming a miserable annual tradition for a growing group of prosperous taxpayers. (If you’ve just received a nervous phone message from your accountant—that’s probably what she’s calling about.) The AMT traces its origins to a minimum tax enacted in 1970 when Americans were scandalized to learn that some 155 high-earning taxpayers owed no income taxes in 1966. The AMT was originally designed so that people who had a lot of income but loads of deductions—through the standard exemption, the ability to write off property taxes and state income taxes—couldn’t reduce their taxable income to next to nothing. Historically, it applied to a tiny minority of taxpayers. But with every passing year, more and more citizens are ushered behind the velvet ropes. This congressional backgrounder suggests that 1.8 million Americans paid it in 2001. Newsweek‘s nearly infallible Allan Sloan wrote earlier this month that “about 2.3 million returns for 2003 got nipped by the AMT.” The numbers are set to rise exponentially in the next several years. A two-income couple in New Jersey—he’s an accountant, she’s a public school teacher—with combined income of $230,000, three kids, and annual property taxes of $15,000, could easily fall into paying the AMT. Even government bureaucrats get nailed. Last year, IRS Taxpayer Advocate Nina Olson paid the AMT.

Got that? It was enacted in 1970, and it’s Bush’s secret weapon. Maybe that’s what he was doing when he was AWOL from Viet Nam, wot? Working in a secret laboratory devising a tax scheme to punish Michael Moore and Barbra Striesand in 2004.

I know about the AMT because I once worked for a startup and got stock options, and the AMT could have hit me badly if that company’s options had been worth exercising. It’s a crazy tax, but then again, I think most taxes are wasteful and most tax revenues are wasted. But the author of this bit “analyzes”:

Republicans don’t want to fix the AMT because fixing the AMT would require undoing their beloved tax cuts. Without the billions generated by millions of taxpayers getting slammed by the AMT, the marginal rate cuts would be impossible to sustain for the next several years, let alone make permanent. Without the AMT, the deficit picture would look far worse than it does.

No, actually Congress, which includes both mean Republicans and the kind-spirited but misunderstood by the ignorant heartland Democrats could cut income taxes AND eliminate the AMT if it would only cut spending, which is a far less palatable choice to the political porkivores.

The author of this piece, undoubtedly, is one of the persecuted residents of an enlightened coastal state s unfairly targeted for the AMT simply because he’s a nutbar the Republicans want to punish the Democrat-voting states. Tax and spend works much better when only the “spend” part touches you, ainna?

(James Joyner has more, albeit less snarky, about this article.)

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All Aboard Wal-Mart

Overlawyered.com rounds up a summary of groups suing Wal-Mart. Why? Because it’s there. Now shut up and give me some free money, and my lawyers more free money.

Everyone wants to beat on Wal-Mart and Microsoft because they’re successful. Looks like we’ve about bred capitalism out of the country. Good work, social engineers.

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New Warning Issued for Old Urban Legend

The Palm Beach Post reports on the scourage of the sex bracelet:

The multicolored set of plastic bracelets many Palm Beach County middle and high school students are sporting these days aren’t just a fashionable fad.

At some schools, boys and girls snap off one of their classmate’s colored gel wrist bands in exchange for a corresponding sexual favor, health department officials told school board members Monday.

For example, a person wearing a white band may mean she is willing to kiss to the person who pulls it from her wrist. A red band means a lap dance and black is intercourse. The meanings may vary from school to school.

::Yawn:: Back in the eighties, we wore Satanic worship bracelets, wherein the color of the band indicated the animal (white means pigeon, red means chow puppy, and black meant kindergartner, but the meanings varied from school to school) to sacrifice.

I guess we in Generation X didn’t get the cool faddish urban legend.

In other news, Boots and Sabers will soon have more comments in their infamous Bracelets for Sex post, dated October 19, 2003, which the the Palm Beach Health Department probably used as in-depth research.

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Purging Binging

The Agitator reports that the definition of binge drinking has been revised:

Now, the NIAAA has backtracked a bit.
It now defines a binge as five drinks in two hours or less for men,
four in two hours for women. Seems more plausible, and seems like a
definition that would at least put most people over .08.

That’s good news, and it makes it easier for us at MfBJN to keep from binge drinking. As part of our non-binge drinking program, we recommend no more than four tallboys in two hours. That way, if you inadvertently consume an additional 40 ounces of cheap beer during the movie, you’re still within the bounds of reason.

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The Bone? I Cut To The Marrow, and Sucked It!

Think you can do better than Congress? Here’s the National Budget Simulation, where you can set budget priorities and adjust taxes. Your hero, or mine anyway, scored thusly:

Budget Totals

Old budget was $3251.488 billion
($2264.172 billion in spending, $987.316 billion in tax expenditures and cuts).

New budget is $1727.29 billion
($1318.51 billion in spending, $408.78 billion in tax expenditures and cuts).

You have cut the deficit by $1524.2 billion.

Your new deficit is $-1167.19 billion.

Oops!

You’ve cut so much that the federal budget now contains a substantial surplus. Many economists warn that this budget may help induce or prolong a recession,
and ordinary citizens demand a refund. You might want to cut taxes or raise spending.

Oops? That’s not a bug, it’s a feature!

(Link seen on The Agitator.)

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Indian Tech Companies Outsource, Too

Remember those tech jobs leaving for foreign shores? Cue the Neil Diamond, because they’re coming to America. The Washington Post reports:

Infosys Technologies Ltd., which has become India’s second-largest software maker thanks largely to outsourced work from the West, is investing $20 million to create nearly 500 consulting jobs in the United States.

Just stay competitive, fellows, and commerce will flow to you.

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Steinberg on the Bandwagon

Neil Steinberg, of the Chicago Sun-Times, jumps on the anti-Wal-Mart bandwagon today:

Wal-Mart is a thing of evil

There is great irony that the Wal-Mart proposed for the South Side would be located on the site of the shuttered Ryerson steel mill, a bit of symbolism that would be too obvious in fiction, but in real life just sits there and smirks at us: the good-job, good-salary past of America bulldozed to make room for the penny-shaving gulag of Wal-Mart. Of course it’s our own fault. We rhapsodize the small town past of America, with good old Mr. Henderson standing behind the oak counter at Henderson’s Drugs, wrapping our box of cotton balls in brown paper and twine. But when forced to act on our convictions, it turned out we’d rather save a few pennies on our cotton balls by buying them in a 55-gallon drum from an indentured servant at Wal-Mart with Mr. Henderson greeting us at the door for minimum wage.

Tales of Wal-Mart excess — from forcing illegal immigrants to work unpaid overtime to triple-charging customers through a credit card snafu — were already piling up when a truly frightening story arrived from Inglewood, Calif.

The Inglewood city fathers, sensibly enough, blocked Wal-Mart from importing its Third World employment practices to their community. The Bargain Behemoth responded by getting a referendum on Tuesday’s ballot with a proposal that would basically create a sovereign Republic of Wal-Mart in the heart of Inglewood; if you think I’m exaggerating, the New York Times said the measure would ”essentially exempt Wal-Mart from all of Inglewood’s planning, zoning and environmental regulations, creating a city-within-a-city subject only to its own rules.”

My bet is that voters pass the measure — what is the integrity of your government compared to the lure of buying stuff really cheap? — and no doubt Wal-Mart will find a way to jam itself into Chicago next.

The most telling detail of the California nightmare is this: The goons Wal-Mart hired to gather signatures to get their measure on the ballot were paid a far better wage than the clerks in its stores.

How disappointing. Steinberg takes a couple of isolated incidents, mixes them together, and decides that the free markets aren’t good. Or at least great success in the free markets aren’t; maybe Steinberg prefers only moderate success mixed in with enobling failure. Granted, I’m putting words into his keyboard here, but people who hold up Wal-Mart as an example of what’s wrong with capitalism are poor thinkers. I don’t know what those people want, probably just something else, and heaven forbid if we ever get it.

Wal-Mart got to where it is by building stores where others wouldn’t, by selling acceptable quality products at low prices to people who weren’t being served by other department stores or boutiques. Although some portions of the corporation have done wrong (skimping overtime pay, hiring un-driver’s-licensed illegal aliens) and some unfortunate incidents occur (accidental overbilling), it’s not a force for evil. Its customers can shop at higher-priced stores if they get better service there or if that’s important to them; its employees can get other jobs if it’s important to them. Wal-Mart’s the intersection of free wills in this little thing we call commerce. If it bothers you so damn much, bobos, take up substinence farming and start whining about your aching backs instead.

Wal-Mart is just the Microsoft for those who don’t pretend to be technical.


Others weigh in:

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Us and Them

The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel catches John Kerry in an unfortunate pronoun:

Democrat John Kerry said Monday that the violent Shiite uprising in Iraq underscores the Bush administration’s failure to build a “genuine” international coalition there and create the conditions for lasting stability.

“I think they’re on a terrible course,” Kerry said of the administration’s performance, while speaking in Washington, D.C., to a group of reporters, most from Midwestern newspapers.

Asked if the United States should arrest Muqtada al-Sadr, the radical cleric who inspired the uprising, Kerry said, “I think they’ve got to do what they’ve got to do.”

I don’t agree with all of Bush’s policies, Senator, but I do agree that we are one country, and it’s our countrymen who are in Iraq right now, carrying out the orders of our elected leader.

So, Senator, how else can you divide this country into us and them?

Pretend like I haven’t paid attention to your campaign so far and summarize.

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Who Questioned Emil Guillermo’s Virility?

In today’s SFGate.com, Emil Guillermo looks at the microphenomenon that is William Hung and finds what he expected: anti-Asian American racism. (Hurry, that’s a perishable link.)

For those of you who don’t know, William Hung wanted to be a contestant on the television show American Idol, but whose cover of a Ricky Martin song, “She Bangs”, proved so awful that he didn’t make the cut. Instead, he was thrown out at audition, but since these auditions aired, became an anti-star of sorts. He’s made the rounds of the television shows and has a CD coming out. America likes an earnest, but ultimately undertalented, performer. Sure, it’s funny, but it’s also endearing. A lot of us can project ourselves into William Hung.

What does Guillermo project? Seemingly, a lack of virility:

With William Hung, is there any other reason to extend the joke on America except that it plays to a racist image of the ineffectual Asian-American male?

What is Hung but an infantilized, incompetent and impotent male image? Strong? No. Virile? No. Sexy? The guy’s a virgin.

You know what, Emil? A lot of people are virgins, and some of them don’t care for it. The modern message indicates you’re a freak if you’re not getting head in third grade. I haven’t seen William Hung in action–I get my entertainment and pop culture news on the Internet– but I wouldn’t be so quick to call him infantilized, incompetent, and impotent. As a matter of fact, those words don’t tend to come to mind for most people unless they’re writing television ads for male supplements. Those men are incompetent.

Guillermo hits the v-word again with this bit:

It wouldn’t be so bad if we saw positive images of Asian-American males in the media. But, for the most part, we’ve been invisible, and the images have usually come with martial-arts enhancements.

Bruce Lee’s combative persona has been the most virile and most enduring icon for Asian-American males. But the stereotypes that predominate are the sinister and inscrutable or ineffectual and effeminate.

Jeez, buddy, give it a rest. You’re so caught up in making William Hung’s name ironic that you fail to see what makes him iconic: that he’s an underdog member of a multicultural society that appreciates underdogs.

Guillermo might want me to prove it:

You certainly wouldn’t see them glorify a black man who couldn’t sing and dance on “American Idol.” Nor would they prop up a clumsy, tone-deaf white person.

He’s wrong. For starters, Don “No Soul” Simmons was a joke in 1987. But that’s not the point.

America braces people who sincerely try, often even if they’re not the most talented. When I look to my hometown sports teams, I see that the fan favorites are often blue-collar players, not the superstars. The St. Louis Cardinals have had Joe McEwing and Bo Hart; the St. Louis Blues have had Tyson Nash, Mike Danton, and Dallas Drake. They play their hearts out, but they’re not eight-figure players.

Still, we lesser mortals can see ourselves in their positions and can root for them to succeed beyond their ability.

Well, some of us do, anyway. Others, like Guillermo, have other projections to see.

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