The Cynic Express(ed) 3.06: Flight of Fancy Logic

     The headline on ABCNEWS.com seemed simple enough. Coming clear through the fiber optic pipeline of AP news: "Hijacked Plane Lands Safely; Pilot Dies After Overpowering Man with Knife." Rooting in the text, though, I found an epiphany worth climbing upon a horse and crusading to the infidels in Washington, D.C.

     The story described the hijacking of a domestic flight in Japan last Friday, wherein a man with a knife threatened the cabin attendants, entered the cockpit, altercated with the pilot, but probably did not even use the Japanese word for "Cuba." And then things got interesting. The article says: "Nishizawa, a fan of computer flight-simulation games, took the controls briefly himself, Kyodo News agency reported, citing unidentified police officials."

     The proof is in the almost putting the jumbo jet into the Japanese countryside. Flight simulator games lead to violence.

     Some of you out there are going tell me that I have me ergo backwards and have an ogre instead. Ah, but so, the precedent exists. Regardless of whatever demons haunted this unemployed Japanese man, whatever motivations led him to wear white gloves to not leave fingerprints on the knife by which he would take the life of an airplane pilot, Nishizawa would have led a quiet, suburban Japanese life. If only the flight-simulator games had not instigated him. After all, hindsight is twenty-twenty, but our projections into the future based upon limited knowledge of the subject and the life-long influences upon said subject are better than that; they're as valid as any other form of extra-sensory perception.

     I am calling upon all of my readers to take up pens and write to our congressmen to draw their attention to flight-simulator games. No longer can we rest idly by while the youth of the world-not even our own little nation-are at risk. I would shout out, "Somebody get Tipper on the phone, now!" but my cats cannot dial and I don't think we can afford a Gore anyway. And speaking of gore, the media certainly won't be on our side because the ever more realistic rendering of three-dimensional landscapes does not offer sensationalist footage for the six o'clock news. We are on our own, but we are right, and we will fight on and on even without proof or anything but our (my) own speculation upon which to base our quest.

     Honestly, I am more worried about flight-simulator driven violence than Doom- or Quake-driven violence because I have not been to a high school in several years, but I have been on an airplane in the last few months. Besides, amateur flyers have scored poorly recently, especially while simulating complicated dogfight maneuvers to make the sister-in-law squeal.

     Maybe I am cynical, and perhaps I do come spend a lot of my thinking time out in the fluffy white clouds somewhere. I am starting to grow comfortable with relinquishing personal moral responsibility to technological demons. We don't have HAL on earth yet, but we improvise. Next week I'll explain the effects of Pole Position on aggressive driving patterns and Leisure Suit Larry on the high school dating scene.