The Cynic Express(ed) 2.04b: Exo-geez-is: Parsing the President

     On Monday evening, President Clinton addressed the nation and expressed his regret at having been caught at the Lewinsky No-No. Here are some of the quotes from his speech and some of my random observations:

"I answered their [the Grand Jury's] questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer."

     First of all, most American citizens will not be asked questions about your private life, Mr. President. But listen to the radio some time. Pick up a Cosmopolitan and read the articles. Examine some polls in women's magazines not related to your approval rating, and you will find out that Americans answer questions about sex all the time. Even, sometimes, when it is not with their spouses. And I will volunteer some answers right here to get the ball rolling, Mr. President. I have never cheated on my fiancee. I have never slept with or even just slept on company time. And it's not my semen on Monica's dress. Want a blood sample?

"Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight."

     Sure. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you need the American populace to murmur approval for your forthrightness seven months after the scandal began. Ignore the special prosecutor behind the curtain, tapping the subpoena in his palm. You merely wanted to fess up and take responsibility.
And what exactly does the phrase mean to you, Mr. President? You use it twice in your four minute speech, what do you do now that you are responsible? Resign because your credibility is shot and your integrity demonstratably nonexistent? No, you want to return to running the country, and, I presume, around your desk in the Oval Office after secretaries.

"As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information."

     Some of us have read the definition of sex that the court established for use in the Paula Jones case. Broad enough to include the contact of genitals for sexual gratification. What exactly was your situation? Providing a protein supplement to her diet? Or was it not sex because you did not enjoy it?

"Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely responible."

     A critical lapse in judgment and A personal failure. How many times over a period of how many months? An awfully long single instance.

"But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take other unlawful action."

     Lest we forget, some lawyers will point out that adultery and fellatio are illegal in many states, and I would reckon that Arkansas is that kind of state. Lucky you're not there any more, eh?

"I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that."

     I think what really gave a false impression was the repeated denials. Although a large portion of America did not believe the false image you projected to everyone, including your wife. I'll even wager that you made those denials to create a false impression. Was that another single, seven month, lapse in judgment?

"I can only tell you that I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct."

     Which of the following factors apply but are not listed? Vanity, desire to not get caught, the thrill of the danger, hubris?

"I was also very concerned about protecting my family. The fact that these questions are being asked in a politically-inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too."

     Funny how you have time to reflect upon your role as protector of your family now, after your breathing is back to normal and your fly is closed.

"In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings twenty years ago, dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago. The independent counsel moved onto my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation."

     Oh, your lies under oath are civil disobediance to an unjust law. I hope Henry David's ghost visits you every night for the rest of your life.
     But seriously, what exact information are you trying to impart in this paragraph, Chief? Where is that investigation supposed to go? I would hazard a guess that most criminal activity takes place in one's private life. And regardless of the status of the investigation's investigation of investigators, did you not cheat upon your wife and lie to the public?

"This has gone on too long, cost too much, and hurt too many innocent people."

     One, your camp created much of the wasted time you disparage. Remember all the trips to court to block this and block that? I do. I am not alone.
     Two, see number one. And are you complaining about the taxpayer's cost, or the realization that all the writs written by your lawyers are ensuring your retirement to a trailer park in Arkansas?
     Three, I have seen very few innocent people hurt by this scandal. Monica Lewinksy, Linda Tripp, and least of all Bill Clinton fulfill the criteria for innocence. Not even Hillary Clinton, who is complicit in staying with a man who has betrayed her. The only one really innocent in the whole debacle is your child, of whom I hope you have not thought.

"We have important work to do - real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face."

     Then face them, Bill. Show some stamina and balls and face the concerns the United States has. Too much has transpired in North Korea, Iran, Russia, and Iraq while you were busy fund-raising or seizing opportunities of a more personal and innappropriate nature.

"And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the last seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to turn our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century."

     Actually, Bill, we should thank you to turning our national discourse toward a creeping moral blight that has infected families increasingly. Our national morality should tolerate no adultery and all the wonders it entails-lies, cover-up, and torn apart families. Our national discourse should seek a way to end this problem one way or the other, whether abolishing marriage so we can sleep with all the twenty-one year-olds we want or seeking a sound moral isolation of those who commit adultery and by doing so, impugn their honors and destroy their ingegrities.
     But by asking us to look past the bad example you have set for all Americans, you are asking us to normalize the "inappropriate" behaviour, or maybe just to let you go because deep down you think you are a nice guy. You are not a nice guy, and I hope you are not forgiven.