The Cynic Express(ed) 2.20: Back to Business

      Now that the Presidential Impeachment has climaxed all over the nation's blue press, the government can get back down to business. That's the ticket. The congressboys and congressgirls wanted to finish up with the impeachment process so that they could get back to important business. The nation could move on. Time magazine can get back to putting important world leaders on the covers. Andrew Morton could get back to the hard-hitting reports about the eating disorders of Nelson Mandela. Ah, and Congress and the government can get back to its regularly scheduled business, namely producing neat-o ideas that should get them elected or reelected in 2000.

     To wit, Al Gore, the top Democrat posturing for president in the year 2000, started the week by fleshing out his new "livability" agendumb for the country. The flabby flesh he added: A nationwide, three-digit traffic hotline. Kind of like 911, except you could get up to date traffic information no matter where you lived. Keen!

     I would like to shell out extra tax for that, please. A needless and redundant service. Local radio stations provide traffic reports every minute on the minute here in St. Louis. Of course, they're provided by businesses only interested in getting us to listen to advertising. How self-interested and non-altruistic of them. People on the street expressed great interest in this service. Great! They can trust the government! And now they can dial up on their cellular phones to get the latest on traffic problems while they're driving, just before they become the latest traffic problem.

     Not to be outdone, Congress has launched a crack investigation into mail sweepstakes. For much of the week, people have testified in the Senate about the horrible practices purveyed by Publisher's Clearinghouse, American Family Publishers, Guaranteed and Bonded (Time-Life's junk mail attack dog), and the like. Their deceptive practices tend to intimate, at bulk mail rates, that recipients have won ten million dollars. Actually, I have received crap from the three listed, and I have no problem understanding the if-then conditional on the four-color certificates. "If you have the winning number and return it we'll be able to say BRYAN NOGLE OF ST. LOUIS MISSOURI HAS WON TEN BAZILLION DOLLARS!!!" Apparently, some people cannot understand the complicated hypothetical implied in the sentence. Of course, these people probably also think a class action lawsuit implies you have class. They can understand, however, the solemn, "You victim. We help," from our senators. I would simply tell the You-Could-Already-Be-A-Whiners "Caveat, Empty-head," but I am not up for reelection.

     And in another straw for the camel's back, Congress this week also held inquiries into the sad state of traveling by air. Everyone shown on the television news seems to have a horror story about airlines. Funny, I don't. I tend to not travel by air. I could suggest that other dissatisfied customers travel by another airline or go Greyhound, but our Congressional representatives are on the job, working for us. They banter about the idea of a Passenger Bill of Rights. Way to go. The original Bill of Rights provides protection for all from government invasion of individual rights, the Passenger Bill of Rights can provide protection for that segment of the population that flies from commercial inconvenience. Our Foundering Fathers in Washington are onto something here. I hope they pass this legislation quickly, coming together in a great bipartisan attack on a national straw man. And after they get done with it, they can get onto other important acts in the same vain, namely the Drive Thru Customer Bill of Rights, the Adult Novelty Purchaser Bill Clinton of Rights, and the Television Watcher Bill of Rights. After all, we'll live in a happier and freer nation once we have a firm manualist tradition in place. And issues like these can get all incumbents reelected, which is something enjoying lots of support in Congress.

     Maybe I am just cynical, but I recognize the drive that the government is displaying. Hey, when my boss walks by, I try to look busy, too. Drop the browser and open up the spreadsheet, and bammo, I am hard at work for you. Can I stay on here full time, please?