The Cynic Express(ed) 2.15: The Cynic Unplugged

     Maybe I am just cynical, or maybe I am the last Luddite left in the information technology industry, but not only do I disagree with recent remarks made by Paul Horn, a researcher at IBM, during a recent Millennium Speaker Series gig in New York, but I tremble at them. In an article reported by abcnews.com, Horn predicts that devices like microwave ovens and even your car will be connected to the Internet in the near future. I also quiver with something other than excitement when I look at Sun Microsystems's Web site and read Mike Clary, director of the new Jini technology development, breathlessly announcing "Specifically, any object with a Java virtual machine could become a Jini network device -- desktop and portable computers, printers, scanners, Webcams, disk drives, DVD and CD players, phones, VCRs, TVs, alarm systems, heart monitors, heating and air-conditioning systems, automobile engine and dashboard computers, even kitchen appliances."

     Or maybe I am just keen enough to wonder what the Internet can do for my toaster.

     Let me pause and think about it. Eventually, I guess, toaster technology will provide heating on a laser-matrix instead of the little metal grill currently used by twenty year old toasters on countertops everywhere. Once the toaster's heating elements can heat by the square nanometer, even I will have to wonder how I lived for decades without the ability to download bitmaps and char them onto bread. I can even now imagine the delight in my wife's eyes when I surprise her with breakfast in bed that includes toast with little brown pictures of cats on the individual slices.

     I might be changing my tune here. Now, for the blender. Instead of my mere chatting with friends in exotic locales like Australia, when their turn comes about for drinks, they can activate my blender remotely and control just how long to mix those margaritas. Of course, unless I install the Internet compatible remote-control robot arms, I'll still have to put the stuff in the blender and take it out, but that's not the point.

     The possibilities are truly unbound-even by reality. I could remotely activate my VCR from my fiancee's house, ensuring that my cat will be able to watch Toonces the Driving Cat as if it were on an endless loop! And any time I needed an accurate reading of the time remaining until I was going to get up in the morning, I could pay six dollars for a half hour at an Internet café to check my alarm clock's setting. Who knows, maybe I could even adjust it to reflect how well the evening out is going! My mechanic could log into my Geo remotely with pCar Anywhere (trademark) and diagnose that little squeal I get from my rear brakes!!

     Pardon me while I take a few breaths to stop my head, currently spinning with the possibilities to the point of a headache.

     Although the Internet bears certain possibilities, it also still serves too big a role as a buzzword designed to make Wall Street analysts coo. A company's profits tend to multiply when it issues press releases having anything to do with the Internet. A company could sell one old office chair on eBay, shriek about its new Internet sales explosion, and its owners could retire bazillionaires after the IPO. Who will be the first to issue the crock pot with a phone jack built in to take advantage of the Ferdinand the Bull market?

      I think some things probably work better without the World Wide Web, regardless of the giddiness with the possibilities of technology. I mean, U.S. Patent # 5,351,417 covers a hair dryer that also acts as a clothes dryer, a space heater and a defogger. Is that functionality really necessary either?

     Also let us not forget that whatever connects to the Internet is vulnerable to security breaches by those with less than our best interests at heart. If a bunch of hackers overseas can rewrite Internet dialers with Trojan horses so that every time a user dials his ISP, he calls somewhere exotic like Moldavia, you can bet your bottom dollar someone out there will be writing routines to disable your alarms and start your cars for profit, or merely to turn off your refrigerator and spoil your milk for the petty and anonymous amusement it provides.

     Maybe I am just cynical. Maybe I am just shrill and overly cautious. Or maybe I just haven't called my broker and bought 10,000 shares of Sunbeam at 7.125.