The Cynic Express(ed) 2.13: Maybe I Am Just Cynical (TM)

     Maybe I'm just cynical. I have used that a couple of times in the beginning and end of my columns, so it appears several times upon my Web site. And hence, according to the theory propagated by America Online, I should be able to trademark it. Why, anyone else who uses it, would be "trying to free-ride on a term that has been widely and historically been used" by me (and I have no doubt that "free-ride" as a verb is also a new trademark of America Online). That's how AOL spokesman Tricia Primrose justified an attempt by America Online to block AT&T from using the phrase "You Have Mail" on AT&T's WorldNet Internet Service Provider.

     After all, something rings false about the allegation that AT&T made about AOL. AT&T's lawyers told the judge that the new techno-corporate monolith on the block was overreaching its authority and legal rights in trying to claim a trademark on a simple sentence made of common English words. Of course, it's always easy for the other side to promote that point of view; AT&T did not go through the travails that AOL did to come up with the three words.

     No one else remembers the hoopla when AOL commissioned a crack Madison Avenue team of marketing specialists and asylum inmates to come up with an easy-to-remember, short, and concise way of telling an AOL user that some other user had composed and sent an electronic message that awaited review by the AOL user. After spending seventeen months of ninety hour work weeks and coming in at ninety-seven percent over budget, the group came up with a slogan. No one but me seems to remember the imbroglio surrounding AOL firing this team after testing its slogan, "Our Server Contains A Set of Data Packets Reassembled by Our Server that Bears a Unique Identifier Which Indicates Another Internet User Has Composed and Sent a Message To You," in focus groups.

     Only after another crack team, this time composed of Madison Avenue marketing specialists and third graders, created the current slogan and ate AOL's profits for its first couple of years, did the kudzu-like Internet Service Provider with Attitude put "You Have Mail" on the cute little icon when the AOL user has e-mail in his or her e-mail box.

     Internet legal experts abounding like abunnies, offer the opinion that it is indeed unique that America Online has chosen an interesting metaphor, substituting "Mail" for "E-Mail." Users familiar with the concept of long, flowing letters that debate philosophical precepts and/or update recipients of current family events feel comfortable and understand the concept of shorter, electronic packets appearing upon their computer screens, bearing tidings from friend LK2CUBEAR from the chat room and debating whether "This Markiting Plan Works!" Hence, America Online has created a trademarkable slogan in "You Have Mail," something integral to America Online's continuing dominance among the Internet's young.

     Should this precedent be set, I claim "Maybe I am cynical" for myself. After all, although you may have heard it before, I have paid an Internet marketing consultant exorbitant amounts of Fancy Feast to assist me in finding a slogan that captures the spirit of my column, and my feline companion Dominique assures me that "Maybe I am cynical" does it.

     My legal consultants assure me as well that it's perfectly okay to sue anyone who uses that simple phrase or any other combination of English words that appear in any of my columns for trademark infringement and to have a judge slap a restraining order on anyone who speaks my language until they agree to license it from me. This precedent does not simply apply to newly established Internet powerhouses who want to use litigation and spurious lawsuits to bury their opponents in legal fees. After all, this land is your land, this land is my land.

     Maybe I'm just cynical(TM). Maybe I am crazy, but--.now that's my trademark, too.