The Cynic Express(ed) 1.31: Spirit of Cinco de Mayo

     Cinco de Mayo. Do you know what it means? I ask that and some clever urchin says, "Fifth of May." Obviously he/she/it remembered his/her/or its Villa Allegra. Thanks, smart aleck.

     But honestly, Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican holiday of some renown. It's more than an excuse to drink thirty-two ounce Margaritas and go down to the local Tex-Mex place and bob for jalapenos.

     It's not Mexican Independence Day, as it is often asserted by gringos who think they know history. Much like I thought I did. Now that I know better, I will explain it to you.

     It all started in the mid 1800's with a guy named Santa Ana. Santa Ana financed a series of military actions, including a costly war with the United States that cost Mexico Texas. To finance these wars and such, he borrowed heavily from European powers of the time, namely England, Spain, and France. These wars did not make him popular at home, either. As a matter of fact, in 1855 he was overthrown by Benito Juarez, who would later be known as the Abraham Lincoln of Mexico for his liberal ideas of freeing the serf-like peasants and toppling the aristocracy. The aristocracy, needless to say, was not in favor of this, and turbulent years followed.

     Although the aristocracy appealed to England, Spain, and France to help preserve their way of life, it took two things besides simple ideology to get the Europeans involved. The first was that the United States became embroiled in a Civil War when Abraham Lincoln, who strangely would never be known as the Benito Juarez of the United States, fought to free the American slaves and topple the southern aristocracy that depended upon those slaves. The United States, a busybody in the new world, would have little or no Federal energy to expend expelling foreign powers from American (albeit Central American) soil.

     The second factor that lit a fire under the European powers' breeches: In 1861, Benito Juarez imposed a moratorium on loan repayment. He felt that the peasants should not bear the burden of Santa Ana's wars until the land was redistributed and the peasants were benefiting from their toil. The Europeans did not see things quite that way.

     So the Europeans, at the behest of Louis Napoleon III, nephew of The Napoleon, sailed for Mexico with an army and an emperor to install on the new and improved throne of Mexico. With the strength of will and a steadfastness of purpose, the European forces landed at Vera Cruz. When they arrived, the leader of Vera Cruz rolled over, stuck his legs in the air, and opened the coffers to the invaders. Good enough for the English and Spanish; they took enough for repayment and nebulous "expenses," and sailed back for England and Spain. France, however, had an emperor to install. So they marched their 10,000 troops, some of the most feared in Europe, to a little town called Puebla ("Little Town" in Spanish). They arrived at Puebla on May 5, finding themselves confronted by 5,000 Mexican peasants, some of the most feared in Puebla, armed with shovels and pitchforks.

     Unfortunately Chinese does not translate well in to French, which may be why the French ignored every book of Master Tzu, most of which say something about fighting a tenacious enemy defending his home on his ground. To make a long battle short, the Mexican peasants won the Battle of Puebla, which is why Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican holiday and not a French one.

     Of course, the one battle did not a war make. The French would eventually install Maximillian I as the emperor of Mexico for a brief run. The Mexican aristocracy and the peasants would have revolutions and counter-revolutions from that day up until the present day, except for a couple of recesses for things like Cinco de Mayo and the Day of the Dead. The French would eventually leave, retreating in practice for their roles in the World Wars and showing that certain savior faire that leads to things like Waterloo, the French language purity laws, and inviting Ira Eirhorn to stay and meet some of the local ladies.

     So that's the story of Cinco de Mayo in a nutcase. Now you know and will have something to tell to your campesinos at Casa Gallardo after the twenty-third ounce of Margarita, by which time I have no doubt the major players will be Louish Napoleon and Benito Waresh.