I Question The Timing

So as I’m driving into town, I notice today that the price of automobile fuel is slowly creeping downward, as it has for a couple of weeks now. A gallon of unleaded (a strange appellation since you can’t buy “regular” gas with lead in it any more, and now the “irregular” gas is loaded with extra corn–remember the good old days of gasohol, where the regular gas had lead, the irregular gas had no lead, and the really zany gas had booze in it? Help, I’m trapped in a parenthetical digression and am in danger of losing my thought–where was I? Oh, yes, outside the parentheses) gas is going for $3.09 on Battlefield and Fort (if ever there was an intersection that goes together, it’s battlefield and fort–oh no, here I go again…stop it!).

Doesn’t anyone else see the falling price of gas as a little <conspiracy>convienent</conspiracy>? In the year before an election year, in a slumping economy, just when it can help prepare to re-elect/elect the President and to allow the Big Oil companies to move the most product they can to maximize profits, the invisible hand of the marketplace “conveniently” changes the price?

Crikey, I was going to go on a satirical tear about capitalism-as-conspiracy, but a couple paragraphs into it, I recognized how much my attempts at satire read an awful lot like current protest signs, albeit with better spelling. Never mind then (maybe I should have just gone on with the parenthetical digressions; they seemed to work).

Why Do You Think I Need To Know This?

Whenever the northeast, that is, New York City and Washington, D.C., get severe weather, Weather.com puts a banner atop my local weather to give me this relevant and ultraimportant news:


This just in: This won't affect you

Seriously, this won’t affect me. I don’t care what trials and hardships those in the corridors of rule suffer. Temperatures near 100 degrees? Here in Missouri, we call that summer. Tornadoes? Here in Missouri, we call that spring.

It’s just OMG! to people who have not traveled outside of the northeast. Seriously.

iPods, Apple Products Will Destroy Humanity

It’s not carbon exhaust causing global warming; it’s the small magnetic fields generated by iPods and smartphones that are causing the magnetic poles to shift or disappear:

NASA has been warning about it…scientific papers have been written about it…geologists have seen its traces in rock strata and ice core samples…

Now “it” is here: an unstoppable magnetic pole shift that has sped up and is causing life-threatening havoc with the world’s weather.

Forget about global warming—man-made or natural—what drives planetary weather patterns is the climate and what drives the climate is the sun’s magnetosphere and its electromagnetic interaction with a planet’s own magnetic field.

And:

The first evidence we have that the dangerous superstorm cycle has started is the devastating series of storms that pounded the UK during late 2010.

On the heels of the lashing the British Isles sustained, monster storms began to lash North America. The latest superstorm—as of this writing—is a monster over the U.S. that stretched across 2,000 miles affecting more than 150 million people.

Yet even as that storm wreaked havoc across the Western, Southern, Midwestern and Northeastern states, another superstorm broke out in the Pacific and closed in on Australia.

The southern continent had already dealt with the disaster of historic superstorm flooding from rains that dropped as much as several feet in a matter of hours. Tens of thousands of homes were damaged or destroyed. After the deluge tiger sharks were spotted swimming between houses in what was once a quiet suburban neighborhood.

Okay, maybe I’m inferring a little more than the report states. However, as a respected Internet commentator, I must call immediately for all hipsters to drop their gadgets and buy Toyota Tundras to combat the global cooling.

For the children! And by the children, I mean of course my children since the faceless and manufactured hipster nemesis does not clutter his and her lifestyle with children.

Also, I call upon Hindmost Obama to increase the bonfires of American currency immediately to help warm the eastern seaboard.