Nevertheless, He Remained Married has a quiz right in my wheelhouse. Well, it’s not a quiz; it’s a slide show of the worst Saturday Night Live skits turned into movies.

The quiz portion of it is: “How many of these has Brian J. seen in the theater?”

Here’s the list; I’ve bolded the ones I saw in the theatre.

  • It’s Pat: The Movie (but I did read the book which was not the movie book).
  • Stuart [Smiley] Saves His Family (I never found Al Franken funny, even after he started doing comedy playing that character in the Senate).
  • A Night at the Roxbury (but my friend Scott and I did not dress up for it, as we discussed).
  • The Ladies Man with my beautiful wife.
  • MacGruber with my beautiful wife. On our anniversary.

I thought one of the films in the slide show would be Superstar! as one of the slides alluded to Molly Shannon’s character, but no. Which is just as well, because I have not seen that at all.

I’m pleased to have gotten a 60% on this quiz because I have a special place in my heart for bad comedies, and most of the Saturday Night Live movies fall into this class.

They Weren’t Comic Books When I Read Them

If you’re asking what the last comic book I read was (and you might just be, or might would have been being if you read the linked post yesterday instead of reading me weekly, in which case we’ll get to the last comic book I read and the significance of my reading comic books, close parentheses–oops, did I say that out loud? I meant), it was a Classics Illustrated version of David Copperfield. Now, you’re saying, “Man, that must have been hard, collapsing a Dickens novel into 40 pages of panels and sentences!”

You have no idea. I am certain the comic did not ruin the book for me when I get around to reading it in prose. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll actually know what is going on and discover the book is not actually a music video cut-scene style collage of characters when I read the book. But as for a last comic book that I might ever read, David Copperfield is pretty hoity-toity.

On the back, there’s a list of other titles available in Classics Illustrated editions.

It’s not a comprehensive list, as the numbers skip wildly. But I took it to be a challenge to my well-readhood, so I’ve identified the books I’ve read in actual book form below the fold.
Continue reading “They Weren’t Comic Books When I Read Them”

Better Than I Got In Any College Literature Course

I got 95% in this quiz: Can you name the missing word in each book title?

I’d identify the books by name and author I’ve read in a typical quiz post, but that would kind of defeat the point if you were to try the quiz yourself.

Allow me to say:

  • I have read 17 (maybe 18) of 42 on the list (most of which do not appear in book reports on this site and many of which are due to the legendary Swedish Mechanic);
  • I have started (but not finished) 3 on the list, but I might soon since my mother-in-law might be reading one of them currently;
  • Not counting those 3, I have 4 others on my to-read shelves.

2 of them, clearly, I have never heard of.

Make of it what you will, but I’d like to point out my English degree is not in literature, but in writing.

(Link via the Springfield-Greene County Library’s Facebook feed.)

Quiz: Which of the Top Selling Albums of 1980 Do You Own?

Well, it’s not a quiz, Percy. But Best Classic Bands has a list of the best-selling albums of 1980, and I thought I’d list them out, quiz-style for you.

The ones I own are in bold:

  • Glass Houses Billy Joel
  • The Wall Pink Floyd
  • Against the Wind Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band
  • The Game Queen
  • Urban Cowboy (Orig. Soundtrack) Various Artists
  • The Long Run Eagles
  • Diana Diana Ross
  • Guilty Barbra Streisand
  • Xanadu (Orig. Soundtrack) – ELO, Olivia Newton-John
  • Hold Out Jackson Browne
  • Damn the Torpedoes Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
  • Mad Love Linda Ronstadt
  • Emotional Rescue The Rolling Stones
  • Kenny Rogers’ Greatest Hits
  • Crimes of Passion Pat Benatar
  • Christopher Cross Christopher Cross
  • Give Me the Night George Benson
  • On the Radio – Greatest Hits, Volumes I & II Donna Summer
  • Back in Black AC/DC
  • Women and Children First Van Halen
  • Phoenix Dan Fogelberg
  • Kenny Kenny Rogers
  • The Whispers The Whispers
  • The River Bruce Springsteen
  • Cornerstone Styx
  • One Step Closer Doobie Brothers
  • Hotter Than July Stevie Wonder
  • The Empire Strikes Back (Orig. Soundtrack)
  • Go All the Way Isley Brothers
  • Just One Night Eric Clapton

Well, that’s not a lot, but I turned eight in 1980. I didn’t get my first album until I picked up a second-hand copy of Huey Lewis and the News’ Sports at a yard sale in the trailer park in 1986.

Of all of the ones I don’t have now, the only ones I’ll keep my eye out for, probably on vinyl, are Linda Ronstadt’s Mad Love and maybe The Empire Strikes Back soundtrack. I won’t turn aside Back in Black, On the Radio, Christopher Cross, On the Radio, the Van Halen, and a couple of the others if I find cheap CDs of them, but it’s not likely. Funny, I don’t really seek out old albums for themselves. I pick up what’s available at book sales, garage sales, and the thrift stores, but mostly on LPs.

At any rate, your mileage may vary, especially if you’re any younger than I am.

A Home Office Quiz

Sure, it’s a twee listicle, but I’m treating this bit like a quiz. 14 Things a Professional Organizer Says You Must Have in Your Home Office:

  • Desk. Hah! I have two of them. A huge, overpriced monstrosity I bought ten years ago when I first went into business, and a smaller student desk that I bought twenty years ago when I thought I’d get into wood refinishing. As a matter of fact, I took off the handles and trim so I could jump on it right away, and I’ve left them off for these twenty (I exaggerate: 18, tops, since I bought it right after I got married and stuffed it into my hatchback at the time to bring it home).
  • Desk chair. Also, I have two, as the movers broke the cylinder on one when we moved from Old Trees to Nogglestead almost eight years ago. A couple of years later, I figured out you could order new cylinders off of Amazon, so I repaired it. It gives my beautiful wife somewhere to sit when she stops in when I’m working, and a place for a cat to nap other times. The other place the other cat wants to nap: The newer office chair where I’m supposed to be sitting.
  • Paper trays. I have both a horizontal tray as depicted and a file folder organizer beside it. Although the things that go onto the paper tray tend to stay there for years. Case in point: These forms to change beneficiaries on my life insurance that I’ve been meaning to fill out for several years now. After all, my mother died eight years ago, and she’s an alternate.

    Come to think of it, I have a second set of paper trays in my office hutch. I wonder what I have in there?

  • File cabinet. Again, I have two: One for personal things, and one for the business. I even pull files out of the personal files to store elsewhere every couple of years. Strangely, though, not my mother’s papers, which are still in the personal file cabinet, and a half drawer of note pads I inherited from my aunt and my mother.
  • Hanging file folders. Both file cabinets support hanging folders, although after several years they don’t hang as well.
  • Paper shredder. When I said I ate important documents, I was only kidding! The aforementioned shredder, though, is in my office.
  • Recycle bin. To be honest, I cannot claim this in good conscience as I remove my recycling as soon as it is ready for recycling.
  • Supply organizer. I have a pen holder with pens, pencils, a screwdriver, and scissors; I have a little tray with paperclips and rubber bands; and I have two cubbies in reach with tape, address labels, stamps, batteries, and whatnot. So I’ll claim this even if I haven’t spent money on a professional-grade supply caddy.
  • Computer. Yes, a few, as you might expect. I work with computers.
  • Backup hard drive. Yes, although I haven’t hooked it up since it was prone to prevent my PC from booting. I think that was a PC ago. Perhaps I should hook it back up. I also back up to a laptop I have here, so I can just go with relatively recent data in case of emergency without having to wait for a restore.
  • Extra set of cables. The laptop bag has the cables I need; the closet has a couple extra. And the store room, even after a couple rounds of winnowing, has backups to most things.
  • Wireless printer. This is particularly silly. I have one, but it’s hooked up by cable anyway.
  • Notebook or notepad. A couple grab-and-go, a couple note pads, and a couple dedicated notebooks. Check.
  • Supplies. Oh, so many, and for so many things I thought I might want to do in decades past.

Missing from this list: Tidiness and organization.

But if I had all that, I wouldn’t have fodder for a category called Five Things On My Desk. Which I should revisit sometime after I clear the last five things I mentioned off of my desk.

A Quiz Wherein Brian J. Has A Failing Grade

The proprietrix of ABC Books shared this link because her bookstore is on’t: The 9 Best Bookstores in Missouri!.

How did I do on the quiz? The book stores I’ve visited have their titles in bold:

  1. Subterranean Books, St. Louis I went once after Sheldon sold A Collector’s Book Shop, but it wasn’t the same without Sheldon telling someone not to pull the book out by the top of the spine.
  2. Prospero’s Book Store, Kansas City My beautiful wife and I went to a number of bookstores in KC a while back, but I’m not sure that we visited this one; I’ve looked at the street view of it, and it looks familiar, but I’m not sure. We drove all over. Somewhere out in the sticks, we went to a bookstore run by one of the aforementioned Sheldon’s former employees.
  3. Yellow Dog Bookshop, Columbia I’ve never been to Yellow Dog, but I’ve been to Acorn Books, which I notice isn’t on the list, which is great because I have a twenty-year-long grudge against Ken, the owner.
  4. ABC Books Of course, I’ve been to ABC Books. The article said it’s a great place to browse on Saturdays; perhaps I would save some money if I only browsed there on Saturdays.
  5. The Book Rack, Cape Girardeau I’ve never been to Cape Girardeau, but if I had, I’d probably have visited.
  6. Hooked on Books, Springfield You, gentle reader, will remember I used to come to ABC Books when I visited Springfield before I moved to the area. I still do, but somehow not as often as ABC Books and neither as much as before I started limiting myself mostly to library book sales.
  7. River Read Books, Lexington I’ve never been to Lexington, either.
  8. Calvin’s Books, Branson We visited this book shop within the last year.
  9. Rose’s Bookhouse, O’Fallon What? This book shop is a mile or so away from the print shop where I worked for two years, and I never heard of it. But we’ll hit it the next time we’re in St. Louis, I’ll wager.

That’s only four of the nine, a failing grade.

I must try harder!

I Guessed Better The Second Time Around

At OregonMuse’s prompting, I took the Christian Science Monitor‘s Famous Literary Detective Skills Quiz.

When I went through it the first time on my phone, I got a 73%, but when I went through it on my computer preparing this blog post, I got:


This indicates I guessed one better on the English detective novels on the computer. Note the mobile version of the quiz does not show you the right answers as you go along, which explains why I only did one better guessing the second time around instead of getting them all right to impress you, gentle reader.

Akin to a Quiz

Someone scanned an old Parker Brothers catalog: Monopoly to Ouija: Parker Brothers Games of 1972.

Quick, how many of these games do you currently own?

Here’s the list, with my current possessions in bold:

  • Monopoly
  • Landslide
  • Careers
  • Clue
  • Sorry
  • Dealer’s Choice
  • Risk
  • Masterpiece
  • Square Off
  • Snapshot
  • Gnip Gnop
  • Bug Out
  • Qubic
  • Probe
  • Scan
  • Spill and Spell
  • Winnie the Pooh
  • Screech
  • Peanut Butter and Jelly
  • The Uncle Wiggly Game
  • Birthday Cake
  • Pit
  • Flinch
  • Soma Puzzle Game
  • Rook
  • Mille Bornes
  • Nerf Games
  • Johnny Horizon Environmental Test Kit
  • Ouija Talking Board

I’d put the ones I used to own in italics, but I’ve never owned any of the others even in my eBaying days when I’d buy old board games at estate sales to sell on eBay.

I’d underline the ones where I have all the pieces, but I think that would just depress me. On the other hand, I have an idea for a great 3-D printing business: Print part sets for out-of-print games. Don’t steal my idea, now. I CALLED IT FIRST.

I suspect I do better than most of the population, though. And this list provides a handy shopping guide for estate sales in the future should I decide that I’m collecting Parker Brother games from 1972. And I’m just crazy enough to do it.

(Link via Ace of Spades HQ.)

I Got 0 Out Of 50 On This Quiz, And I Consider It A Perfect Score

The 50 Weirdest Movies Ever Made

As a matter of fact, I’d only heard of two of them: Boxing Helena because it came out while I was in college and I remember seeing the ad for it in the Milwaukee Journal at about the same time I saw Sands in Warlock late at night on cable. And I’d heard of Zardoz because Sean Connery.

Most of the items on the list are brutal-looking slasher/horror bits from the 1970s directed by Europeans, it looks like. The sort of films I never thought were worthwhile.

So I guess I don’t like artistic weird movies. My guilty pleasures tend to run to dumb movies. For instance, I’ve seen 9 1/2 Ninjas! more than 9 1/2 times. And I’m adding Dead Men Don’t Die to my watching list.

So take my anti-film snobbery for what it is.

Quiz: What Does Your Favorite Bill Murray Movie Say About You?

What Your Favourite Bill Murray Movie Says About You.

Mine says, “People admire you and trust you for your lack of ego. Now’s the perfect time to steal their valuables… or perhaps their hearts?”

My favorite is Groundhog Day, of course. However, I think I’m still more a bad Phil than a good Phil, but I’m only part way through the ten thousand years’ of days.

Another favorite, The Man Who Knew Too Little, might say more truth about me than Groundhog Day any way.

(Link via Friar.)

Pop Quiz

I took Pew’s short Science and Technology online quiz because I like quizzes, and:

13 of 13

Of course.

The problem with the quiz, of course, is the wording of some of the questions. Also, the repetition of global warming as scientific consensus.

When the question is, “Most scientists agree,” one must recognize that most scientists are not specialists in the field under question. Which goes triple if you include ‘social’ scientists.

(Link seen on AoS ONT.)

Wherein Brian J. Begs For A Beatdown From Ravenwood

What is this, 2004 and I’m doing quizzes I find on Ravenwood’s Universe?

You are 19% hippie.


You’re not in the lowest bracket of non-hippie-hood, but you’re close. I advise a field trip to a food co-op or a farmer’s market. Do a few interviews and take notes, because there will be a quiz next week to see if you’ve learned anything.

Are you a hippie?
Take More Quizzes

That’s far more hippie than Ravenwood, so he must best me in combat now.

Not That You Asked

    I Am A: True Neutral Human Sorcerer (4th Level)

    Ability Scores:

    True Neutral A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn’t feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he’s not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.

    Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

    Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.

    Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

(Link seen on Dustbury.)

Born With A Lead Spoon In My Mouth

Are you a child of privilege? Apparently, it’s all the latest rage for college professors to gin up something to prove that everyone of the appropriate need for guilt feel guilty about their privileges. Over at Dustbury, he’s run his own numbers, and that prompted me to run mine:

    Bold each of the statements that applies:

    Father went to college
    Father finished college
    Mother went to college
    Mother finished college
    Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor (An uncle, apparently, got a PhD or something and now teaches at a small college or maybe private high school. Good enough.)
    Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers
    Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
    Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
    Were read children’s books by a parent
    Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
    Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
    The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively (If they’re dressed like me and talk like me, how else could they be?)
    Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
    Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
    Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
    Went to a private high school
    Went to summer camp
    Had a private tutor before you turned 18
    Family vacations involved staying at hotels (We had a family vacation. Once.)
    Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
    Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
    There was original art in your house when you were a child
    Had a phone in your room before you turned 18
    You and your family lived in a single family house
    Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home I assume this includes “had a mortgage on”.)
    You had your own room as a child
    Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
    Had your own TV in your room in High School
    Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
    Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16 (After the divorce and moving 400 miles from my father, he flew us up for one summer. And back, to my mother’s relief.)
    Went on a cruise with your family
    Went on more than one cruise with your family
    Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
    You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

I guess you wouldn’t call us privileged. As for the number of books, I don’t know what it was; I didn’t start accumulating books until college, paperbacks mostly.

As for the television in the bedroom in high school, that’s a big 10-no. However, when we were in the trailer in middle school, we had one in the room my brother and I shared. The 6×8 room we shared.

And as for heating bills, that wasn’t brought up; however, when I was at college, a very hoity Marquette University, when my sociology 001 professor asked what Milwaukee welfare benefits were, I guessed wrongly about $250 a month. I got that figure from my youth, when my mother worried that a $250 television repair paid for by a gift from more affluent relatives might trigger an investigation for welfare fraud.

So keep that in mind, gentle reader, whenever you miscategorize me as a child of a suburban or upper middle class upbringing: the fact that I dress nicely for work and that I can quote a lot of classical literature belies my true place as white trash turned into art.

More Other Things I Remember

In response to Other Things I Remember, reader (not “one of my readers”, my reader) KG sends in his list of things he remembers:

  • TVs that took 2 minutes to come on and left a white dot in the middle of the screen for 10 minutes after you turned it off
  • The UHF knob
  • Changing channels by hand
  • Pop Tarts packaged in a zip-strip foil package
  • When Kelloggs Corn Pops were called Sugar Pops, Smacks were Sugar Smacks and Super Crisp was Super Sugar Crisp
  • When you missed Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at Christmas (or Charlie Brown, or any seasonal show), you MISSED it. Better luck next year.
  • When you rented videos, you also rented the player.
  • 8 tracks (to this day, I will pause in certain songs waiting for the track to change)
  • Six to eight weeks for delivery

Hey, I remember eight tracks, too. And musical recording media you had to flip, such as records and cassettes. To this day, I think of the CDs that I upgraded from older media as having two sides. As for pausing in songs, I assume he means singing them, and I’ll have to admit that yes, when singing certain songs (Billy Joel’s “You’re Only Human (Second Wind)”), I still sometimes truncate lines to accommodate a scratch in the my 45. Forty-five revolutions per minute record, you damn kids, not caliber.

So here are some other things I remember on a good day:

  • Drive In Movies
    Not in their heyday, of course, and not as a necker. It was cheaper to go to the movies by carload than by individual tickets, so my parents and other parents would combine the families into an Impala and off we’d go. I saw Xtro for the first time at the drive in. Come to think of it, it’s the only time I saw the movie.

  • Air Raid Drills
    Not that putting my head between my knees against the wall of the school corridor would have extended my life by a single millisecond when the concussion wave of a nuclear blast hit, but that’s the official policy of schools and government everywhere: we care, and we’re making a show of doing something, no matter how ineffective.

  • Basement Rec Rooms
    Anyone with mostly dry basements, some wood, and some second hand carpet had a room with an old sofa and perhaps a console stereo where they could send the kids. Or maybe those were Wreck Rooms, I don’t know. Sure, people have dens and whatnot, but they’re upgrades now, with new furniture and elaborate entertainment facilities.

    Or perhaps I am just lamenting the lack of a rec room in this house which I could convert into a sweet bar.

  • Bell Bottoms, the Original
    I remember these all too well because by the time they were handed down to me / recycled from the neighbors, it was 1981 and I was the only kid in school wearing them yet. I was retro when retro wasn’t cool.

That’s all I can remember now. Now old Brian needs his nap, and maybe sometime I’ll tell you about the how good it was and how much better behaved children were in the 1980s. Or at least my parents asserted that the rest of the children were, why couldn’t I?

Brian Takes the Retrosexual Code Quiz

Back at Jen Martinez’s Collection of Thoughts, Jen describes The Retrosexual Code, a retaliation against metrosexualism and girliemanism. She’s got quite the list, and I know my gentle readers want to know how I stack up. Well, here you go:

The Code Says:

Brian Says/Does:

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV. A
Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

  1. Brian reserves the right to screw up the rooms, plumbing, and so on, in his house for himself and his
    able and smoking hot assistant/spouse.

  2. Real men, who are not married, can let a woman pay half for a date if they want. They’re rational beings, too, mostly.
  3. Real men can sleep on any surface with only clothing as a pillow, which comes in handy when he is married and claims a woman can be
    only “mostly” rational at times.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A real man opens a door for a lady when appropriate, but the five second rule applies. If I see a female
several dozen yards away from the door, I won’t hold the door for her. I’ll go in and hope the next guy has the class to hold it. Also, this
does not apply to all females; the grocery store would get mad were I to let a real bitch in to snuffle among the meat and run out with a steak
in her jaws to feed her pups, or just her thin beagle self.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH

I concur. Although my sainted mother gave me a super AAA membership, I would feel silly calling them for
anything but a tow (real man or not, I can’t lift my vehicle nor drag it for miles). Now, if only I could figure out where there’s some
sort of spare on my pickup truck….

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

My beautiful wife won’t let me eat cats, so I rely on the grocery store for red meat. Although I come from a
long line of hunters and have gone hunting, I’ve not ever had license to kill, so I’ve never even shot a duck for dinner….but my father
ensured we would not starve with plenty of ducks, geese, and “fuzzy chickens.”

A Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you live, but how well. If you’re 90 years
old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

I don’t smoke, but I appreciate the hedonism and materialism involved in this section of the code. I
hope I have not been too girlie by opening IRAs recently, though.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of
stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

I prefer White Rain brand shampoo, but because it’s a dollar a bottle. Of course, since I keep my hair
(well, okay, my beautiful wife does the cutting because I don’t want to spend a half hour waiting to pay someone $10 for 5 minutes of
hair cutting) under an inch (mostly), I could use the soap in the shower. Uh oh, that sounds like metrosexuality. I almost want to hump
a fire hydrant.

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he’s 30 years old.

What is Hot Topic? I feel girlie sometimes for going to Kohl’s for Levis instead of Wal-Mart for $10 jeans.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the “Dealing with
IT” portion of The Code.

By any means necessary, using whatever is at hand, with a determination that the stuff (or people) or I
survive, but not both.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.

I recognize the multiple meanings of queer and dismisses this silly tenet of the
code. Of course, I really only watch hockey and football on television, so I am only in danger of violating this if some city names its
team the Queers and that team plays the Packers or the Blues.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-
invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain’t worth it.

Especially women who would dictate a man’s behavior by saying real men or retrosexuals would do or not do
something. I agree one hundred percent.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death
of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird dog expiring,
etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed
up, he DEALT with you.

Professional help? You mean pay someone to know yourself? Give me a break. I already paid Marquette
University $50,000, mostly out of pocket, to teach me how to do that myself.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

None of my clothing make me stand out, ever. Prey? As long as no one messes with me, I have no prey, but
my gear doesn’t make me look particularly tasty to predators, either.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie – and ONLY a Windsor knot.

I only know one knot, and I don’t know if it’s a Windsor. I don’t even know if
it’s a knot or just a way to make it look like a knot. Of course, when I wear ties, a predator could grab me by the tie and have me, since
I do tie something into full ties; perhaps a real smart man wears a clip-on.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

Well, I’ve never been shot or knifed, but I did once break my nose, several bones in my face (including my
eye socket), and crack my cheekbone–and the blow didn’t knock me down.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole,
practice in secret until you can – or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A hand drill or a power drill? Power tools are not basic tools.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are
often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it’s just plain fun to shoot.

This tenet of the code bores me. Guns are guns, shooting guns as fun is an aesthetic judgment call. I don’t
judge a man based on his possession of a mystical artifact, even one guaranteed to Americans by their constitution.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials or
soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control.
Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets), loss
of a major body part. Retrosexuals do not cry for movies. They can get a teary lump in their throat under a few notable exceptions, such as
when “the guy” heads out to die and save the day or the flag goes up on Suribachi.

It’s none of your business when or where I might be moved to tears. You won’t see them, and it’s my business.

A Retrosexual man’s favorite movie isn’t Maid in Manhattan (unless that refers to some foxy French maid
sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty
Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, The Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy,
Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal
, any James Bond Movie [sic], Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now,
Goodfellas, Reservior Dogs, Fight Club, etc.

Spare me the presumptiousness of knowing what a man should enjoy. Any man’s favorite movie speaks to the
individual’s experience, and I trust his judgment. Also, please note, some refer to the Clint Eastwood series as The Man With No Name
trilogy; the first Rambo movie was First Blood, the second was Rambo:
First Blood Part II
, and the third was Rambo III; The Road Warrior was the second movie in the Mad Max series
(between Mad Max and Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome); and Apocalypse Now was a piece of peacenik cavaltrava. Thank you,
that is all.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on,
that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a
disgusted “you punks” look on his face.

Okay, I’ve not been particularly adamant about this one. I’ve felt bad about it, but I’ve often let them stand,
and sometimes when I have offered, the woman has refused.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also
knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

There are three verses to the “Star-Spangled Banner”. Sorry, I lose. But I know a lot of
“America the Beautiful”.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his
manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship – i. e.,
hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

Sorry, but I have an understanding (and smoking-hot) wife, and my mother doesn’t object to much that I do.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

Understand the theory? Check. Do? Not so much.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without
anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

I am from Wisconsin, for crying out loud. I only fear other drivers who are not,
and retrosexuals who feel the need for driving over 20 mph to prove their manliness when 20 mph or less is the safest speed.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well
wanted it to land.

Yeah, so? With the right number of ropes, pulleys, and friends, I can put a tree on Venus. What’s your

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military
dress (except officers above 2nd Lt) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the
offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

I thank them, but I don’t ride buses or trains.
A Retrosexual man doesn’t need a contract — a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even
if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

Screw that. I know what contracts are for, and they’re about covering you legally against the unscrupulous who
might take advantage of your respect and your honor. I always argue until I get the contract I want, and then I adhere to it as written.

A Retrosexual man doesn’t immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We
understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!!!!

I’ve not yet sued anyone, nor would I unless greatly wronged. But I don’t rule it out.

The whole quiz reminds me of my grandmother’s wedding. Some years after my grandfather died, she married the her second husband and honored me by selecting me to participate as an usher. Wedding colors were black and pink, but I preferred to wear a white shirt instead. I was a college student paying my way through college by working a job that required white shirts; ergo, I had white shirts in abundance, but nary a pink shirt nor money to buy a nice pink shirt I wouldn’t wear again, and let’s be honest, I don’t like pink. My step mother, God rest her soul and hurry about it, said, “Real men aren’t afraid to wear pink.”

“Real men don’t fall prey to manipulation about what ‘real men’ do,” I replied, and I wore a white shirt. Probably with a thin black tie that I had which was a couple years out of fashion even in 1991.

That’s my response to anyone who would try to create an artificial code for what a real man would do. Real men know it without being guided by those who would manipulate them artificially.

(Link seen on Michelle Malkin.)